What would you expect a boyfriend to do in this situation?

MHickman · 27-05-2017 03:33PM

I can see how you would feel unsupported OP particularly as you are going through a very rough time yourself and plans you've made to try and improve things for yourself haven't quite worked out. What I would say though is you really need to have a serious talk with him about what's going on and where your relationship is going long term.

It sounds like you've been under immense stress and 'upset' for a large chunk of your relationship and that can't have been easy for him either. It may sound flippant and harsh but there's part of me that thinks he might be sitting there feeling way out of his depth and thinking this isn't what he signed up for! Mental health issues are difficult enough for the person going through them but sometimes their nearest and dearest are forgotten because 'decent' people just support you through it right? The reality is we are all human and this is a lot for him to handle too. He may also feel like if you want to go to Ireland for the Summer maybe you should...a bit of free time at home to try and heal yourself.

You know him and your relationship better than we do so some of the posts here will come off as harsh on him or you. The most important thing you can do is TALK to him about your relationship. Neither of you saw this coming and stronger relationships have buckled under the weight of less.

LLMMLL · 27-05-2017 03:37PM

cottonsocks wrote: »

I understand.

It's been the small things all along that's gotten me worried now that we are on to a big thing - times like going to the cinema, I book the tickets he doesn't pay me back, the fact that it has always felt like he has kept a mental score card of who has spent what and keeping it all in check.

You're literally going to have to ask him for financial support while you find your feet. Dropping hints, semi-joking etc. Is not working. If he says no then you'll have to integrate this into the above small things and decide whether you want to stay with him. If he says yes, you'll still have to assess whether the small things above are a delabreaker. But continuing to drip hints would be a big mistake. Talk about it. ASAP.

Buffman · 27-05-2017 03:48PM

I've read the OP twice and I'm slightly mystified as to where the accusations of 'stinginess' on the boyfriends part are coming from. Unless the OP was heavily edited after being first posted, I'm not seeing it.

If anyone wants to give actual reasons on how the boyfriend is being stingy rather than just writing it, please feel free. Not offering to subsidise an unmarried partner is not stingy, especially when you haven't been asked to.

cottonsocks wrote: »

My boyfriend, though supportive in terms of asking how things are, helping me prepare for interviews etc, has given me no reassurances financially. Of course - I'm not expecting him to fund me,

Hi OP, that seems to be exactly what you are expecting though, except you won't openly ask for it and expect him to automatically offer it.

cottonsocks wrote: »

If you were in my situation, what would you expect from a boyfriend?

I'd openly and honestly lay all my cards on the table and ask for financial assistance/loan until I got sorted. There's nothing wrong with asking for help when it's genuinely needed. (It's a completely different scenario to people deliberately sponging off partners long term)

At the moment you appear to be approaching it in a confrontational and indirect manner, threatening to move back to Ireland etc. This is not the best way forward.

As others have suggested, it's time for an open, frank and honest discussion. Good luck with it.

Ursus Horribilis · 27-05-2017 04:01PM

The OP is going to be out of work and out of money for 6 weeks. He's prepared to have her move back to Ireland rather than help her out. If that's not being stingy and unsupportive, I don't know what is. Perhaps I'm putting words into the OP's mouth but I get the feeling that if the shoe was on the other foot she'd not leave him short. I mean, she's his life partner and supposedly the woman he'd like to have a family with. What's he doing, leaving her in a situation where she's going to have to board a plane and go home for 6 weeks?

Also, she has mentioned a few times his attitude towards money. She says "His default mode seems to be 'I pay, you pay, I pay, you pay' and 9 months of that, I just got fed up and called him up on it". Then in her latest post she says "It's been the small things all along that's gotten me worried now that we are on to a big thing - times like going to the cinema, I book the tickets he doesn't pay me back, the fact that it has always felt like he has kept a mental score card of who has spent what and keeping it all in check." In my opinion, this attitude towards money is rightly ringing alarm bells. In my experience, when your partner's not the sort who turns over every penny, you won't even notice things like this.

noodler · 27-05-2017 04:09PM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

The OP is going to be out of work and out of money for 6 weeks. He's prepared to have her move back to Ireland rather than help her out. If that's not being stingy and unsupportive, I don't know what is. Perhaps I'm putting words into the OP's mouth but I get the feeling that if the shoe was on the other foot she'd not leave him short. I mean, she's his life partner and supposedly the woman he'd like to have a family with. What's he doing, leaving her in a situation where she's going to have to board a plane and go home for 6 weeks?

Also, she has mentioned a few times his attitude towards money. She says "His default mode seems to be 'I pay, you pay, I pay, you pay' and 9 months of that, I just got fed up and called him up on it". Then in her latest post she says "It's been the small things all along that's gotten me worried now that we are on to a big thing - times like going to the cinema, I book the tickets he doesn't pay me back, the fact that it has always felt like he has kept a mental score card of who has spent what and keeping it all in check." In my opinion, this attitude towards money is rightly ringing alarm bells. In my experience, when your partner's not the sort who turns over every penny, you won't even notice things like this.

He's paying more than 60% of the rent!

riemann · 27-05-2017 04:14PM

"His default mode seems to be 'I pay, you pay, I pay, you pay' and 9 months of that, I just got fed up and called him up on it"

Called him on what exactly?

Is it not normal for two adults to take turns paying in 2017?

Sounds to me that he has mentally checked out of the relationship and would be quite happy if you left.

Ursus Horribilis · 27-05-2017 04:15PM

So what? He is earning more than she is and they agreed to this beforehand.

Also, why do you think he should treat her differently just because they're not married? They are living together and splitting rent/bills between them. You must view co-habitation differently to the way I do.

TimeToShine · 27-05-2017 04:16PM

Plus this disdain toward the "I pay, you pay" has to stop. 50/50 is how it should be unless you explicitly agree otherwise or until you are married. He was even willing to pay the extra rent so you could live in a nicer apartment. If you don't like it you can either a) find someone more on your level financially or b) work hard to get to his level. I understand you are going through a difficult time but it seems to me like you are trying to portray him as a stingy lad even though you know he has been more than fair to you.

Ursus Horribilis · 27-05-2017 04:16PM

riemann wrote: »

"His default mode seems to be 'I pay, you pay, I pay, you pay' and 9 months of that, I just got fed up and called him up on it"

Called him on what exactly?

Is it not normal for two adults to take turns paying in 2017?

What if she's paying out much more than he is? I think that is the point she's making here. I don't know about you but if I was dating someone and I was paying for everything 4 times out of 5, I'd be peeved too.

riemann · 27-05-2017 04:17PM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

What if she's paying out much more than he is? I think that is the point she's making here. I don't know about you but if I was dating someone and I was paying for everything 4 times out of 5, I'd be peeved too.

So would I.

However 2 out of 4 seems perfectly normal.

Ursus Horribilis · 27-05-2017 04:20PM

Going by what the OP says, she was the one mostly paying for things before she pulled him up on it.

noodler · 27-05-2017 04:21PM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

So what? He is earning more than she is and they agreed to this beforehand.

Also, why do you think he should treat her differently just because they're not married? They are living together and splitting rent/bills between them. You must view co-habitation differently to the way I do.

So your comments about the OP having to pay for the odd cinema trip "setting off alarm bells" seems delusional when he is paying an additional 300 pounds a month so they can BOTH live in a nicer apartment.

cottonsocks · 27-05-2017 04:26PM

TimeToShine wrote: »

Plus this disdain toward the "I pay, you pay" has to stop. 50/50 is how it should be unless you explicitly agree otherwise or until you are married. He was even willing to pay the extra rent so you could live in a nicer apartment. If you don't like it you can either a) find someone more on your level financially or b) work hard to get to his level. I understand you are going through a difficult time but it seems to me like you are trying to portray him as a stingy lad even though you know he has been more than fair to you.

You are missing the point about the rent - he was quite happy for it to be halves even though halves would be a MUCH higher portion of my monthly income than his. He didn't care that I would have been basically left without money to socialise etc, as long as it was half. I literally had to point this out to him!

It is certainly not his natural mindset to be generous - not financially, or anything. It rarely feels like he gives much without always expecting something in return which struggle with.

He is from a much better of background than I am - the kind where you are expected to go to uni and the minimum would be you get a high paying job. But i can tell from his family he has picked some of their ways up - they live in a fantastic house etc. At Christmas, I brought a small present to his parents, but they hadn't gotten me anything despite it being our third Christmas together which felt a little awkward.

Ursus Horribilis · 27-05-2017 04:31PM

noodler wrote: »

So your comments about the OP having to pay for the odd cinema trip "setting off alarm bells" seems delusional when he is paying an additional 300 pounds a month so they can BOTH live in a nicer apartment.

In my opinion, this more expensive apartment is giving this guy an "out" he doesn't deserve. Maybe he genuinely wanted to live in a nicer place and it's suiting him as much as anything else. I'm looking at the bigger picture here. The guy's slowness to step up to the plate with other matters.

I see the OP has come back with an update. It reinforces my "delusional" opinions I'm afraid but I'm in a minority here.

OP, all I can suggest is you talk to him very frankly and very directly. Tell him what you've told us. Good luck, whatever you decide.

njs030 · 27-05-2017 04:32PM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Going by what the OP says, she was the one mostly paying for things before she pulled him up on it.

She said it was "I pay, you pay" so 50/50 and he paid an extra 300 of the rent.
How did she pay more?

She seems to expect him to pay more because she earns less and didn't research her chosen profession before entering it.
In one of her posts she says she didn't know how hard it was. My sister is a primary school teacher and considered moving to England but after researching it decided against it for that reason so it can't be impossible to find out!

cottonsocks · 27-05-2017 04:47PM

notjustsweet wrote: »

She said it was "I pay, you pay" so 50/50 and he paid an extra 300 of the rent.
How did she pay more?

She seems to expect him to pay more because she earns less and didn't research her chosen profession before entering it.
In one of her posts she says she didn't know how hard it was. My sister is a primary school teacher and considered moving to England but after researching it decided against it for that reason so it can't be impossible to find out!

I managed to work in teaching 2.5 years before I ended up on stress leave - and I don't really think criticising my career choice which was made before I was with him really has any relevance to the situation that is now. I can't go back and change it.

No - I don't expect him to pay more. But if he wants to live in an apartment that is outside my means, then the money has to come from somewhere, and as he is the one requesting this, I think it's perfectly reasonable he foots more of it.

njs030 · 27-05-2017 05:11PM

cottonsocks wrote: »

I managed to work in teaching 2.5 years before I ended up on stress leave - and I don't really think criticising my career choice which was made before I was with him really has any relevance to the situation that is now. I can't go back and change it.

No - I don't expect him to pay more. But if he wants to live in an apartment that is outside my means, then the money has to come from somewhere, and as he is the one requesting this, I think it's perfectly reasonable he foots more of it.

Well it is relevant in that you're expecting your boyfriend to support you because you've made a series of poor choices. While it's too late to go back and change it now perhaps it's important to realise that rather than blaming him for not wanting to bail you out.

Yes he agreed to pay the extra and that's fine but he didn't agree to support you for 6 weeks which is what your thread is about so talking to him without blame or demands is going to be important.

LLMMLL · 27-05-2017 05:52PM

I think the point about the parents and the christmas present kind of sums up your attitude. You have certain expectations and if someone behaves differently you form a certain opinion on them. There could be many reasons they didn't get you a gift. They may not be big gift givers. They may only give gifts to immediate relatives. Your gift may have been seen as the traditional gift that a guest brings and not requiring reciprocation etc etc.

Whatever their reasons you seem to have moved them into the "stingy" category. You also seem to be about to stick your bf in that category too.

leggo · 27-05-2017 07:26PM

OP I'm in two minds reading your follow ups and some of the responses.

On one hand, I feel you're getting a little harsh responses. It's okay to try a job and not have it work out, to take a break and refocus, basically all you're doing. That's fine. But ultimately you can't make these decisions without having a fallback where you can live financially independent. What if you caught the boyfriend cheating or had a massive row and the relationship ended? You're not married like. Two years is the stage where it's serious but can still fall apart at a moment's notice, not the stage where you can make decisions and expect some kind of financial support from your partner. You can't really do that until you're married, or at least far enough along that you've actually discussed it. But that's just a live and learn mistake on your part, nothing unforgivable.

On the other...like...you notice a LOT about money. There's no other way to put it. You've made mental notes about his upbringing, the size of his parents' home, the fact that they haven't bought you a Christmas present, his wages, you've obviously thought about the possibility of him being able to financially support you if you had a kid. I have to ask: do you think part of the frustration you're feeling right now is based on you seeing how wealthy he was and maybe thinking "nice one" at some stage? And now that it's not panning out that you can be a kept woman if the situation demands, you're feeling this way? That's a genuine soul-searching question, not a judgement by the way.

Furthermore, do you think some of his behaviour could be based around him maybe picking up on this? It'd make sense of him putting the foot down at two kids at least. It'd make sense of him not offering money to support you, so he can see if that's what your expectations are. If he's from a wealthy background, maybe this isn't the first time he's had people putting a claim on his money and it's something he looks out and tests people for. It's what I'd be like in his shoes tbh, "Does she like me for me or my money?" Because, if he was sussing you out, the harsh truth is that it's showing that you do feel somewhat entitled to be looked after, a mere two years in. This thread alone is proof of that. The joke you made about having kids would raise massive alarm bells to me.

First off, you need to have some honest, open conversations with him and get to the bottom of this.

Secondly, you need to have some soul-searching with yourself about how you feel about money and partnerships. I asked it and several others have since but I haven't seen a response yet: what would your plan be if you broke up tomorrow? Do you think because he's wealthy it's his duty to provide for you? Do you want a partner who will provide for you in general? (Nothing wrong if you do, you're allowed have personal preferences, just this may not be the guy in that case) Get to the bottom of that and you'll get to the bottom of this. But don't beat yourself up, either. This is all just a learning experience.

mikeybrennan · 27-05-2017 07:38PM

cottonsocks wrote: »

This is something that has come up in discussion recently (as I'm with nursery children a lot, and I'm almost 31 so it is something I think about from time to time!) and he has always said children are expensive and that we can only ever have 2 max as 3 will cost too much. Last night I joked how if we had kids it would make more sense for me to give up work than pay nursery costs but he didn't seem to be having any of it (hypothetical as it is!)

I mean, the way we do costs in our house is this: Food, I go halves, but bills and rent combined - we work this out at me paying roughly 30%, and him 70%. BUT... this arrangement only came about because when we discussed last year moving in together, he seemed to think the default would be we pay half.... despite the fact that half for me would leave me with far less disposable income compared to him! I looked online and found the advice of dividing it by respective salaries (one as a percentage of the other if I remember correctly).

He does offer to pay for lunches etc if we are out and about, but it does worry me that this has all really only come about since I had a chat with him last year - it's certainly not his default mode. His default mode seems to be 'I pay, you pay, I pay, you pay' and 9 months of that, I just got fed up and called him up on it. If we do food shopping, occasionally when we need stuff during the week and we go to the shop he will pay for a few bits here and there (£5, £7, whatever) but yes, halves for the main food shop.

He's not all stinginess if he's going 70/30 on bills

njs030 · 27-05-2017 07:56PM

mikeybrennan wrote: »

He's not all stinginess if he's going 70/30 on bills

Theres no point saying this because all the op can see is he wanted to live somewhere nicer than she could afford so he should pay it.
She can't see that he's also paying for her to live somewhere nicer than she would be living otherwise.

Its not that you should be grateful op but you should have a little bit of consideration that his happiness to fund the extra rent means you get to have a better lifestyle.
Your choices mean you need to either find another job for 6 weeks or go home or ask him can he help you out.

Do you pay half of everything else currently? After the six weeks will you definitely be able to pay half of everything or is there a danger this will run and run?

cottonsocks · 27-05-2017 08:08PM

notjustsweet wrote: »

Theres no point saying this because all the op can see is he wanted to live somewhere nicer than she could afford so he should pay it.
She can't see that he's also paying for her to live somewhere nicer than she would be living otherwise.

Its not that you should be grateful op but you should have a little bit of consideration that his happiness to fund the extra rent means you get to have a better lifestyle.
Your choices mean you need to either find another job for 6 weeks or go home or ask him can he help you out.

Do you pay half of everything else currently? After the six weeks will you definitely be able to pay half of everything or is there a danger this will run and run?

My point about the rent was without me pointing out to him just how much of my salary it would take up, he was perfectly happy to let me pay half of the higher cost even though it would leave me with basically nothing and would only be a portion of his monthly salary.

Yes I pay half of everything else at the moment. No everything should be back to normal come September when school starts again, but it will basically be the 6 or 7 weeks from mid-July that there is a problem.

Some friends and family members have passed comment on him being stingy which I guess has validated it all in my head a bit - we went out for dinner with my aunt and sister and he didn't as much as offer to pay his part or anything - she paid of course, but she did call me the next day to say she was surprised he didn't even make a polite offer, even out of courtesy.

njs030 · 27-05-2017 08:41PM

cottonsocks wrote: »

My point about the rent was without me pointing out to him just how much of my salary it would take up, he was perfectly happy to let me pay half of the higher cost even though it would leave me with basically nothing and would only be a portion of his monthly salary.

Yes I pay half of everything else at the moment. No everything should be back to normal come September when school starts again, but it will basically be the 6 or 7 weeks from mid-July that there is a problem.

Some friends and family members have passed comment on him being stingy which I guess has validated it all in my head a bit - we went out for dinner with my aunt and sister and he didn't as much as offer to pay his part or anything - she paid of course, but she did call me the next day to say she was surprised he didn't even make a polite offer, even out of courtesy.

Is there any chance you have a bit of an issue with money and see it as a big deal whereas he doesn't?

The wording you use in your first paragraph and the way you talk about him in relation to money makes me quite uncomfortable tbh, its like you're annoyed with him for earning more than you. "I had to point out" "he was perfectly happy to let me" you had a conversation about what you could afford and he agreed to pay more as he could afford it but you talk as if he should have been tiptoeing around the issue.

Did you offer to pay your share and his as it was your family taking you out?
Maybe he was getting his cue from you.
I'm a little bit shocked your aunt thought it ok to phone you and criticise your boyfriend actually.

mikeybrennan · 27-05-2017 08:41PM

notjustsweet wrote: »

Theres no point saying this because all the op can see is he wanted to live somewhere nicer than she could afford so he should pay it.
She can't see that he's also paying for her to live somewhere nicer than she would be living otherwise.

Its not that you should be grateful op but you should have a little bit of consideration that his happiness to fund the extra rent means you get to have a better lifestyle.
Your choices mean you need to either find another job for 6 weeks or go home or ask him can he help you out.

Do you pay half of everything else currently? After the six weeks will you definitely be able to pay half of everything or is there a danger this will run and run?

i didn't read past that post where op said bills are split 70/30

Big Bag of Chips · 27-05-2017 08:53PM

OP, what do you want? Other than speaking to him about the rent have you ever spoken to him about money? You expect him to offer without asking. Maybe he expects you to ask if you want something. Maybe he sees you going home to Ireland for a few weeks as your opportunity for a holiday, that he won't get because he has to work. You are making a lot of assumptions about him, but giving out that (you think) he is making assumptions about you.

You say he counts the pennies and if you buy cinema tickets he won't pay you back. That sounds like YOU are counting the pennies. Now maybe you have to, because money is tighter for you. But I think things like buying cinema tickets should be almost automatic between you, and not totted up. You seem to think he shouldn't tot it up, but it's OK for you to tot it up and make a note that he hasn't paid you back.

Do you love him? Do you think he loves you? You don't speak very affectionately about him at all. You don't seem to like his family or friends and you are now even bringing in the fact that your family are commenting on him too. Do you want this relationship to continue, and if so what do you think you can bring to it? What can you offer him as a partner? What do you want from him as a partner?

I wonder now because you're so far into this can you not see that you seem to be equally if not more guilty of all the things you are accusing him of? Your thread is titled "What would you expect a boyfriend to do in this situation?" But to be honest you're not doing what I'd expect a girlfriend to do in this situation. You need to talk to him. Talk. Properly. Ask questions. Tell him what's going on, what you're thinking, what you need. You can't keep things from him but then expect him to just magically know what to offer and what you want.

If you can't talk to him, then money and finances are the least of your relationship problems.

cottonsocks · 27-05-2017 08:54PM

notjustsweet wrote: »

Is there any chance you have a bit of an issue with money and see it as a big deal whereas he doesn't?

The wording you use in your first paragraph and the way you talk about him in relation to money makes me quite uncomfortable tbh, its like you're annoyed with him for earning more than you. "I had to point out" "he was perfectly happy to let me" you had a conversation about what you could afford and he agreed to pay more as he could afford it but you talk as if he should have been tiptoeing around the issue.

Did you offer to pay your share and his as it was your family taking you out?
Maybe he was getting his cue from you.
I'm a little bit shocked your aunt thought it ok to phone you and criticise your boyfriend actually.

Hi,

I do always offer with his family - of course, it's the decent thing to do. That's why I found it disappointing that he doesn't.

njs030 · 27-05-2017 09:07PM

cottonsocks wrote: »

Hi,

I do always offer with his family - of course, it's the decent thing to do. That's why I found it disappointing that he doesn't.

I meant did you offer to pay for you and him that day with your aunt?

DrunkenSailor · 27-05-2017 09:15PM

notjustsweet wrote: »

I meant did you offer to pay for you and him that day with your aunt?

If you were all going out for meal it's either going to be split four ways or one person is going to foot the bill. Did yourself and your sister offer the pay. Why was it his place to offer if nobody else was (presuming that's the case). I am guessing he was taking his cue from your family on this and if you and your sister were all throwing in money he would too.

LLMMLL · 27-05-2017 09:30PM

OP you're replying to a lot of posts, but doesn't sound like you're particularly concerned with taking the most sensible advice that's been offered widely, i.e. talking to him.

cottonsocks · 27-05-2017 09:39PM

LLMMLL wrote: »

OP you're replying to a lot of posts, but doesn't sound like you're particularly concerned with taking the most sensible advice that's been offered widely, i.e. talking to him.

Hi, yeah you are right - and thank you to all that replied to give an opinion. It's appreciated and I will talk to him :)n money is not one of my favourite topics...but I guess it's essential going forward and if he doesn't seem to want to after a conversation then I suppose I know where we are headed because I'll be heading home.

What would you expect a boyfriend to do in this situation?

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