What would you expect a boyfriend to do in this situation?

njs030

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

A little help with food and transport? You were asking for him to support you while you were out of work for 6 weeks.

How are you going to pay rent when you have no income?

This is a valid question

Op you keep saying you will "try" and pay the rent rather than it being a definite.
Do you have the funds to pay your half for 6 weeks or are you planning on trying to borrow it?
Is it possible that you don't have this money and your boyfriend knows he will be left to pay rent, bills, food etc for as long as it takes you to secure the job you want?

LegacyUser

Honestly OP it sounds like you've found yourself stuck and your distracting yourself from the bigger issue by focusing on your BF. The plan to go home for the summer just sounds cracked if your still going to be paying rent in London. I live in London so know it is expensive but there is retail/service jobs esp in the summer in tourist areas. I'm not surprised your BF isn't offering to cover for you, it's a case of having to be cruel to be kind as I don't think it would be just for 6 weeks and could drag on. Clearly teaching is not for you so you need to get out of that ASAP. Start looking at Pret, Costa etc get something to help hold you over while you focus on figuring out what you want to do.

Greenduck

Hi Op,

I was in a similar but not as intense situation with my now fiancee when I was in college and paying fees etc. Basically he loaned me the money to cover me for what I needed and told me there was no rush on getting it back (it took a year! ). 6 weeks is a month and a half so approximately 750 would cover your rent. Would he loan you this til you got sorted? perhaps you could get a retail/waitress job for a few weeks to cover you for food and travel? A mental break from teaching might be just what you need.

From what I can see you some alarm bells are going off for you and i think that's the real reason for this thread. Perhaps you have different opinions on finances but if you see a future with this person you'll need to know whats to accept and from his part - whats acceptable.

Sleepy

So your plan b is to go home to mammy and daddy and sponge off them because your boyfriend hasn't offered to let you live off him? OP, if your boyfriend were the one posting here, he'd be being told to break up with you.

You've experience in marketing and teaching, yet don't feel capable of finding enough work over the summer to pay your share of the rent and survive? Based on the figures you've given, your share of the rent is miniscule for London, you're paying what? about ?100 a week? Even on a handy 35 hour week you'd be earning ?234.50 on minimum wage in the UK. ?130 should be plenty to buy food and pay for bus fares out of. You won't be drinking champagne or eating caviar but you'll be able to stand on your won two feet at the least.


The quickest of googles turns up over 14,000 temporary positions you could apply for in London: https://www.indeed.co.uk/jobs?l=london&jt=temporary I'm sure a few hundred of those must be in marketing / sales roles?

tara73

also, regarding the rent: I don't know how far outside London you live, but if you kind of live in London, 1000£ for two people is extremely little, you will only get sh**holes for this money, so I suspect your boyfriend was just realistic here and couldn't live in a place for 500£ (each) and decided to add the 300 by himself to live in to some extent decent place. Still, 1300 £ is not much at all for London.

So I guess it's not him wanting to live in a fancy place as you make it somehow sound, it's just him already skipping in with the minimum rent for a flat in London with money you don't have.

Eric Cartman

Mokuba wrote: »

I just saw this and it's very funny - because in my head I thought while responding earlier, if I was him then I would be convinced that once ye get married then you would want to give up work altogether.

Based on what has happened thus far, I'd imagine it's far from a joke. It's the next step in this pattern. I'm positive that he sees this as the biggest likelihood right now, and does not want to have to individually support an adult and 2 children for the rest of his life, which is perfectly reasonable.

This is exactly what i'm seeing too, as a lad in my 20's I would expect my partner of a similar age to be in a career progression and salary increasing phase, he is already subsidising you and now you are pulling back from work , while at the same time expecting to get engaged and talking about kids.

In his head you are providing less and demanding more, if you have talked about engagement and kids I'd sit down with him and say 'here, lets take those things right off the table till i'm sorted with a full time career again' show him that you don't just want to leave him trapped and actually want to actively contribute.

beauf

The bf seems not fully committed in the relationship on the current terms. Which seems to be the op pay their way or he's not interested.

That will never work long term. Especially if there are kids.

If I was the op I would make plans to move out to some where I could afford, in a job that better suits.

Big Bag of Chips

If they have a family it would be something that could be discussed at the time. For now, they are two young professionals. They don't have children. They're not married. They're not even engaged. They live in one of the most expensive cities in the world! I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect his gf to pay her way. If they have children it might make more economical sense for her to stay at home, so by staying home and raising children that would be contributing in another way.

You still have no plan, OP. You're still looking to returning to teaching in September, even though you don't want to teach, and you only want subbing hours for a very specific age range. Time to shelf the whole idea of teaching, subbing, infants etc and get another job. Any job.

njs030

Op may I ask what your plan is if in September you don't get subbing jobs in the age range you want?
You mentioned sometimes you only get 1-2 days a week, is that enough to cover your outgoings? If you fall short do you have savings to cover you or does your boyfriend step in?
If that happens continually in September will you be able to support yourself or what will happen?

strandroad

OP why won't you take any random job for the summer to keep you going? Even in a deli or a cafe, you can keep it until you get your better offer. Your choices are clearly not working out for you.
I find it strange that you are willing to sit out 6 weeks or realistically even more without any pay, perhaps your boyfriend sees it this way also?

A_smurf

I have to agree with the above posts, the most important thing for you right now is to have a steady stream of income coming in, from any job you can find in the city. Even for your self esteem and independence more than anything else. At the same time you should start to form a plan for the next 6-12 months, where you would actually like to see yourself working (what area you would like to work in and role) and research how you can get there. Do talk to your boyfriend and try to make some compromise between you. If you haven't already, possibly make a budget of your outgoings per month (excluding rent). See where you can make some savings and what salary you need to be bringing in each month to cover the basics at least (food, transport, utilities). Best of luck, I hope you can find a solution.

GingerLily

Seeing as you teach primary school children I'd imagine you'd find it very easy ton join a professional babysitting agency which would give you at least pocket money income and maybe something more regular? There have to be a lot of families that need some help with child care when the school term is done.

It's a lot less drastic then moving country to sit on your hands in your parents home anyway.

Suzyq

If you want to get back into marketing, why are you taking yourself out of the job market for 6 weeks? Surely that should be your priority?

bucketybuck

cottonsocks wrote: »

So all I was hoping he could help me out with was food and transport costs - I wasn't asking for rent.

Pay your rent, pay your food, pay your whatever, it doesn't matter what you want him to pay or how much, the important fact is that you expect him to subsidise you at all.

woodchuck wrote: »

I think it's more than fair of you to offer to keep up paying your half of the rent if you're not even living there. In fact I'd go as far to say it's stingy of him to accept the money from you in that situation!!

You have a strange idea of what bills are. My flatmate is a teacher, if she went travelling for a few weeks I suppose you think she shouldn't have to pay her share of the rent because she isn't going to be there? :rolleyes:

woodchuck

bucketybuck wrote: »

You have a strange idea of what bills are. My flatmate is a teacher, if she went travelling for a few weeks I suppose you think she shouldn't have to pay her share of the rent because she isn't going to be there? :rolleyes:

That's not what I meant at all, you've taken it completely out of context. I just don't understand how someones partner can stand by and let them pay rent they can't afford on a place they're not even living in. Rather than help them out in the short term, they'd rather see them move home to a different country and all the while keep sending what little money they have overseas to the partner.

Honestly, there are sooooo many other threads on here where people talk about couples financially supporting each other in their time of need. Why is this thread so different? Yes the OP has made some errors in judgement when it comes to her career, but does she deserve to be crucified for that? She came on here looking for relationship advice, not career advice. Of course she needs to learn to stand on her own 2 feet again, but surely a partner would help support her while she's struggling to do that? If the OPs boyfriend came on here saying "my long term girlfriend can't find work for the summer and wants me to help out with food for 6 weeks, what a b1tch", he would be the one being called stingy for not helping his partner if he can afford to. Having said that I don't know what his financial situation is - if he's struggling himself for whatever reason then fair enough that he can't offer to help.

bucketybuck

woodchuck wrote: »

That's not what I meant at all, you've taken it completely out of context. I just don't understand how someones partner can stand by and let them pay rent they can't afford on a place they're not even living in. Rather than help them out in the short term, they'd rather see them move home to a different country and all the while keep sending what little money they have overseas to the partner.

Its that very context that is probably driving the boyfriends behaviour. If your partner hits a rocky patch you help them out, no problem, but when its their own choices that have led them to this point and when it looks a lot like there will be further subsidisation to come in the very near future, well, thats a different matter. At some point he would do well to stop and wonder what he is getting into, is he a partner or is he an ATM?

Your post said that it would be stingy of him to expect the OP to pay her obligations, as if he should just be a white knight and just start paying for everything without even being asked. Its not nearly as simple as that.

woodchuck

Of course it's complicated. But a "you made your own bed, you should lie in it" attitude isn't exactly conducive to a healthy relationship. I think the only mistake the OP has made here is going into too much detail about her career choices, which has caused this thread to spiral into a blame game with all the fingers pointed at the OP. We all make mistakes in life, but everyone is being so harsh here it's actually hard to believe.

OP I would reiterate my original advice. Lay all your cards on the table financially and the options that you currently face. I wouldn't expect anything from him, but you need to make sure you're both on the same page. It's quite possible this is a big worry for him too. E.g. feeling pressured that he should help more financial or worried about you being away for the summer or worried about the future of your relationship in general (finances can be a major issue in relationship). But an open conversation may be what you both need to get on the same page and come up with some sort of a plan for your future together.

Big Bag of Chips

I think the biggest issue is the fact that the OP has said she doesn't want to work as a teacher anymore. Yet is counting the 6 week school summer holiday period as a time she won't be working and will need financial assistance. If she doesn't want to teach then the 6 week summer holiday shouldn't be an issue. No other sector gets 6 weeks summer holidays, so a job could show up somewhere in that time... If the OP is looking for one.

Going for 2 interviews and feeling you've tried everything to get a job is just not enough. If you're only subbing a couple of days you should be aggressively job hunting the other days. Walking the streets. Calling in to recruitment agencies (not teaching agencies). Calling in to schools to offer secretarial services. Calling your friends in marketing.

noodler

woodchuck wrote: »

[<Mod Snip> Quoting a full post just clogs a thread. Please only quote relevant points.

I wouldn't expect anything either but moreso because I feel like he has done plenty to date.

Its difficult for him to really help you with your future career plans, OP needs to do that.

Hannibal_Smith

woodchuck wrote: »

<Mod Snip> Quoting a full post just clogs a thread. Please only quote relevant points

Isn't the boyfriend entitled to decide what kind of life he wants and what he wants to spend his money on? Can't he decide whether he wants a partner who needs long term financial assistance?

It was the OP who came here vilifying the partner and his attitude towards money and claiming he was stingy.

And no someone shouldn't expect to be financially supported for 6 weeks + . Having one party out of work for an extended period is a joint decision that a couple should make together. It's not right for one person to decide they can cut their working ties and expect the other to lump it and finance it!

Ursus Horribilis

OP, at this stage I hope you've talked to your boyfriend. It can't be any worse than the new one you've had torn for yourself here. I get that the OP has made poor choices and it's not ideal that she appears to have a 6 week period of no pay ahead. She might be on the wrong track and perhaps has seen things wrongly. But blimey, the nasty attacks and unfounded accusations here are shocking. She came here for advice, not to get a kicking. She hasn't been boiling kittens for heaven's sake.

bucketybuck

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

<Mod Snip> no need to quote the full preceding post

She was given honest advice, labeling it as some sort of kicking is a load of patronising rubbish.

leggo

I'm sympathetic towards the OP too, but I think the difference here with other threads is that mostly those threads come from situations where couples are married, have a family etc. Then financial support when necessary is imperative to making it work. At two years and living together for the first time, you're figuring out what kind of life you want together. In a marriage, for example, you don't generally walk out on a job and split the income of the household significantly without a plan being fully discussed ahead of time. That wrinkle, and the expectation that he should support her (without actually having discussed it with him), is the major difference.

But that's naivety. It's life lessons. I wouldn't slate her for 'bad career decisions' or whatnot. Who among us got everything right the first try? This is how we learn.

otnomart

If I were in your situation and needed financial help I would ask my immediate family (parents, siblings) for it, and not my boyfriend.
He is your boyfriend not your husband (or legal cohabiting partner), he does not have to support you.
Try to put yourself in his shoes or think if your own brother was in his situation.