What would you expect a boyfriend to do in this situation?

cottonsocks

Hi all,

I am from Ireland but live in London. I have been with my boyfriend (who is from London) 2.5 years.

We live together here, and moved in together 1 year ago. I am teacher, which is a notoriously difficult career to work in in the UK - I career changed to it 2 years ago but it has been one of my biggest regrets, I've lost my soul to the job. To cut a long story short, my boyfriend knows the troubles I have been having and actively supports me in leaving the profession to try and move back to marketing, which I worked in before. I was signed off with stress and anxiety in my permanent teaching job in Feb this year, and upon returning, I made the decision to leave my permanent role completely, as I was on the road to a breakdown. I finished in this position in March. As money would obviously be an issue, I signed up to do substitute teaching. This is plentiful in London, so from that perspective, has not been a problem. However, I have found behaviour management in inner London as a substitute very difficult, and it brought my anxiety right back. I had to tell my agency that I cannot work with any age group other than nursery or baby infants as I just find the classes impossible to control.

This has resulted in less days than I had previously been getting as obviously the net is now not cast as wide. I only see substitute teaching as an interim solution whilst i find something permanent outside teaching (but hoping something education based). However, it's proving very tricky.... I have had two interviews so far for office based roles which I have not gotten and this has devastated me. The summer is coming, I won't be getting any pay for 6 weeks, so the pressure is really on to find a job outside teaching. I have been very, very down about things and the constant brick walls I'm finding myself against. I went to the doctor on Tuesday after yet another rejection post interview and was put on anti-depressants.

My boyfriend, though supportive in terms of asking how things are, helping me prepare for interviews etc, has given me no reassurances financially. Of course - I'm not expecting him to fund me, but at no point has he even said 'listen, if you are stuck for a few months, I'll help you out'. There's been nothing. He knows i am struggling for money, but he doesn't offer any kind of reassurances. I would do my level best not to actually take him up on it - I'm too proud! - but it worries me, because previously prior to moving in together I had to have a very serious chat with him regarding him being not very forthcoming with money whilst we were dating. He earns over twice what I do. At the moment, with the prospect of 6 weeks of no pay over the summer, the very real situation is I may have to go back to Ireland for those 6 weeks and hopefully manage to pay my portion of rent towards the flat we live in together. If I stay in London, I won't be able to afford food, transport, etc.

I've mentioned this to him, yet I'm shocked that the prospect of his girlfriend not being there for 6 weeks seems fine. He made no offer to help me out over the 6 weeks if the worst comes to the worst. Again, it's more the gesture of saying it that would help, but he just makes me feel so alone. I was hoping we would get engaged by the end of the year, but considering he spends quite a lot of his weekends out with his friends it seems to be going other places. He's a very mature, reliable and sound guy, with a great job and a good head on his shoulders, but it is worrying me going forward.

If you were in my situation, what would you expect from a boyfriend? I hope that all makes sense.

Thanks for reading.

listermint

cottonsocks wrote: »

<Mod Snip> No need to quote full post

He sounds like a catch....

Sorry but if your boyfriend thinks it's cool for you to return home for more than a month because you can't afford to eat or live then is he really your boyfriend.

What sort of future is there in this if he can't support you in your moment of needs.

He sounds like he is not mature nor has a good head on his shoulders.

He sounds mean and stingy none of which are qualities I would appreciate in a partner

pajosjunkbox

Sounds super stingy to me. I feel your pain. I too have a degree in marketing and switched to teaching. Trained in London and then worked there. My wife subbed there when I was there.

We have now both moved back to Ireland and teach here. I would never work in the UK teaching system again. Teaching in England has to be one of the worst and most stressful jobs there is. No wonder people leave the profession in their droves over there.

Bambi985

I'd be thinking long and hard about whether or not this is the kind of man you'd like to marry. What husband would ship his wife back to her home country in order to survive because he's unwilling to give her a penny?

I cannot stand stingy people. To the point where it's a dealbreaker for me. I think it epitomises complete selfishness and an unwillingness to consider anybody else. Not the kind of man I'd want to build a life and a family with.

Could you mention it to him? In a matter-of-fact sort of way. "How do you feel about me having to leave our life here and go home for six weeks over the summer because I'm struggling financially? If you were in the same position I'd be taking a very different approach.'

cottonsocks

pajosjunkbox wrote: »

Sounds super stingy to me. I feel your pain. I too have a degree in marketing and switched to teaching. Trained in London and then worked there. My wife subbed there when I was there.

We have now both moved back to Ireland and teach here. I would never work in the UK teaching system again. Teaching in England has to be one of the worst and most stressful jobs there is. No wonder people leave the profession in their droves over there.

Thanks for the moral support! It is indeed a ridiculously tough profession here - I'm not exaggerating but it has chewed me up and spat me out completely. I am not in any frame of mind to even continue supply teaching. The profession has taken everything from me. I just hope I can get something outside it. I am now looking at digital marketing courses to try and update my skills but even that is going to cost £2k - and I don't know where that is going to come from!

Wardling

I'd hope he could support you for a few weeks. You shouldn't even need to ask. I helped support my oh through her post grad and masters and now her studying is done she is going to help support me as I go back part time.

It wasn't seen as a chore or burden from my perspective as we are a couple and a household. What's mine is yours etc. Having said that we do try our hardest to split everything when possible. Our joint acc has all our dd's and rent coming out monthly and we know what's to be lodged 50/50. However as is life some months I'll pay more and others she will. It's all about understanding.

I hope you find a job your happy in soon op as it can be soul destroying looking and getting rejected. I know from experience. Hang in there and try approach your partner about your worries over the coming weeks.

If I was in your position and he let me go home for the 6 weeks I wouldn't be coming back.

Best of luck op and chin up...you'll get there.

Ursus Horribilis

I think you have been given a warning about the sort of life that awaits you if you stay with this guy. What will happen, do you think, if you have children down the line? Going by this guy's form to date, you're going to have some fun trying to get him to help pay for all the bits and bobs children need. What if you decided to take time out from your job to look after the children full time? Would he support you then?

LincolnHawk

How about talking to him directly about it then?
He might not see himself with you long term, so doesn't want to sink money in to the relationship

cottonsocks

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I think you have been given a warning about the sort of life that awaits you if you stay with this guy. What will happen, do you think, if you have children down the line? Going by this guy's form to date, you're going to have some fun trying to get him to help pay for all the bits and bobs children need. What if you decided to take time out from your job to look after the children full time? Would he support you then?

This is something that has come up in discussion recently (as I'm with nursery children a lot, and I'm almost 31 so it is something I think about from time to time!) and he has always said children are expensive and that we can only ever have 2 max as 3 will cost too much. Last night I joked how if we had kids it would make more sense for me to give up work than pay nursery costs but he didn't seem to be having any of it (hypothetical as it is!)

I mean, the way we do costs in our house is this: Food, I go halves, but bills and rent combined - we work this out at me paying roughly 30%, and him 70%. BUT... this arrangement only came about because when we discussed last year moving in together, he seemed to think the default would be we pay half.... despite the fact that half for me would leave me with far less disposable income compared to him! I looked online and found the advice of dividing it by respective salaries (one as a percentage of the other if I remember correctly).

He does offer to pay for lunches etc if we are out and about, but it does worry me that this has all really only come about since I had a chat with him last year - it's certainly not his default mode. His default mode seems to be 'I pay, you pay, I pay, you pay' and 9 months of that, I just got fed up and called him up on it. If we do food shopping, occasionally when we need stuff during the week and we go to the shop he will pay for a few bits here and there (£5, £7, whatever) but yes, halves for the main food shop.

cottonsocks

LincolnHawk wrote: »

How about talking to him directly about it then?
He might not see himself with you long term, so doesn't want to sink money in to the relationship

He definitely does see it long term - we have talked marriage, buying a house, kids etc. I've had no inclination of anything less than it being what he wants for good if that makes sense? So there shouldn't be an element of worrying about sinking money into a fleeting relationship.

Tiddlypeeps

cottonsocks wrote: »

He definitely does see it long term - we have talked marriage, buying a house, kids etc. I've had no inclination of anything less than it being what he wants for good if that makes sense? So there shouldn't be an element of worrying about sinking money into a fleeting relationship.

A direct approach has worked in the past (he was willing to up his share of the rent when called on it), so you should probably try a direct approach here. It could be the case that he just doesn't see the obvious solution, maybe he was brought up in mean house or something, so offering to help isn't his first reaction when someone is in need. Personally that would be a deal breaker for me, but if it's not for you then outright telling him what you need seems to work so just stick with that. Tell him that you need him to support you while you are having a hard time, just as you would be quite willing to help him if/when the situation ever arrises. That's what a relationship is, especially one where marriage is on the cards.

It would be worth having a conversation about how he see's the financial's working if you do get married and have kids. If he is not onboard with the idea of a joint account where you share everything, (where there is little to no concept of "mine" and "yours") I'd be very much reconsidering if I want to spend my life with that person.

Chloedancer

You need to have a serious conversation with him about where you stand. To be honest if I were you I'd be having second thoughts. If you're talking marriage and children then you need to be thinking of your other half as family not just your boyfriend or girlfriend. To me that means pulling together as a team and combining resources like income, paying bills, rent/mortgage etc out of your combined income. What happens in a few years when you have kids..will you still be having to badger him for his share of the pram, cot, nappies etc?

Have you considered coming back home and working as a teacher here? From what I've heard of teaching in England it's much less stressful here. I'm an nqt myself although a mature one. I've been subbing the last couple of years and it's been a very enjoyable experience. I'm hoping to get my dip done this year but if you've been teaching in the UK you wouldn't have to worry about that. You should get on to the teaching council and find out what your options are. Despite what you might hear I've always found them very helpful. If you're considering coming home rather than rely on your other half for 6 weeks maybe it's something you should consider.

TimeToShine

He could just be completely oblivious. It is very unfair to insult him as is being done on this thread for something so cryptic, unless you have directly asked him to help you financially then he has done nothing wrong. Having said that I do think that you need to have a frank discussion about your work situation because if you're going on anti depressants as a result then something is very wrong.

Airyfairy12

Have you considered teaching adults? a PME allows you to teach in adult education, you'd be teaching people that want to be there. As for your boyfriend, that does sound concerning. He's selfish and stingy but from experience it's the times when you need someone that you learn the most about them.

cottonsocks

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Have you considered teaching adults? a PME allows you to teach in adult education, you'd be teaching people that want to be there. As for your boyfriend, that does sound concerning. He's selfish and stingy but from experience it's the times when you need someone that you learn the most about them.

Good suggestion, but I just don't think I'd be confident teaching adults or know enough about any one subject!

cottonsocks

Chloedancer wrote: »

You need to have a serious conversation with him about where you stand. To be honest if I were you I'd be having second thoughts. If you're talking marriage and children then you need to be thinking of your other half as family not just your boyfriend or girlfriend. To me that means pulling together as a team and combining resources like income, paying bills, rent/mortgage etc out of your combined income. What happens in a few years when you have kids..will you still be having to badger him for his share of the pram, cot, nappies etc?

Have you considered coming back home and working as a teacher here? From what I've heard of teaching in England it's much less stressful here. I'm an nqt myself although a mature one. I've been subbing the last couple of years and it's been a very enjoyable experience. I'm hoping to get my dip done this year but if you've been teaching in the UK you wouldn't have to worry about that. You should get on to the teaching council and find out what your options are. Despite what you might hear I've always found them very helpful. If you're considering coming home rather than rely on your other half for 6 weeks maybe it's something you should consider.

I hadn't thought about teaching at home to be honest, because I had assumed he was (sorry to be cheesy!) 'the one' and that teaching in Ireland just wasn't something I would need because as far as I was concerned I would be staying here.

I did mention during the week the possibility of having to move home permanently (I think I kind of threw it out there to get a reaction!) and that didn't evoke any real off of support either. He has said vague things like 'we can get through this together' and 'don't worry' but nothing substancial,

Chloedancer

cottonsocks wrote: »

I hadn't thought about teaching at home to be honest, because I had assumed he was (sorry to be cheesy!) 'the one' and that teaching in Ireland just wasn't something I would need because as far as I was concerned I would be staying here.

I did mention during the week the possibility of having to move home permanently (I think I kind of threw it out there to get a reaction!) and that didn't evoke any real off of support either. He has said vague things like 'we can get through this together' and 'don't worry' but nothing substancial,

If dropping hints isn't working you probably need to be very direct with him and spell it out. Is he the laid back type? I am like that and some times I need people to spell it out for me how much something is stressing them otherwise it would never occur to me, because I'd be thinking along the lines of ah it'll work itself out in the end. If he is like that he probably hasn't a clue how much this is bothering you.

Bandana boy

to play devils advocate here , actions speak louder than words , he is already subsidizing your lifestyle .
He did this when you made a case for it .Seems like a pretty nice guy to me

Make your case that he should pay for everything while you sort out your career and see what he says.

That said he is not responsible for your woes they in the main have all been choices you made.
From his point of view he was in relationship with an equal.She decided to downgrade her career and asked him to subsidize it . Then downgraded this new career to part time , then to refusing work , and all while expecting him to happily pay for it. I would come up with a plan more detailed than maybe do a course costing 2K.
Work out what you need from him to make it happen and how you will pay it back , and see if he will agree , he sounds like he has been pretty reasonable in the past I am sure he will again .

leggo

Bandana boy wrote: »

to play devils advocate here , actions speak louder than words , he is already subsidizing your lifestyle .
He did this when you made a case for it .Seems like a pretty nice guy to me

Make your case that he should pay for everything while you sort out your career and see what he says.

That said he is not responsible for your woes they in the main have all been choices you made.
From his point of view he was in relationship with an equal.She decided to downgrade her career and asked him to subsidize it . Then downgraded this new career to part time , then to refusing work , and all while expecting him to happily pay for it. I would come up with a plan more detailed than maybe do a course costing 2K.
Work out what you need from him to make it happen and how you will pay it back , and see if he will agree , he sounds like he has been pretty reasonable in the past I am sure he will again .

I dunno if I'd go as far as this post, but I'm definitely leaning more in this direction than the others. It's easy to slate him as stingy - and no doubt there's an element of this on some level too - but we're only getting one side. When I put myself in his shoes, it's not difficult to see ways he could possibly feel:

"Couples go halves on stuff when they start out, at least until they get to the stage of a joint bank account. She asked me to divide it based on salary so I did."

"All of the things that have affected her are a result of her own decisions. I sympathise with her on a human level because anxiety can be horrible, but she also needs to learn to stand on her two feet. Where would she be if I wasn't around?"

"She's already joking about giving up work altogether. This is an unattractive trait to me, I don't wish to be with someone who does this and I'm not going to get forced into it via the back door, so she can feel the pressure for a while and dig herself out of this hole instead of having me save the day. If she can't, so be it. If she's completely stuck and begs for help, then I probably will because I'll know she actually needs it."

I'm not saying that's how I'd feel or even suggesting that's how he feels, it's just when you consider those angles and if he came on here looking for advice (as we had a guy do in a similar, but reversed, situation recently), it becomes clear that there could be two perfectly reasonable sides to this beyond 'he's stingy'. The only way to get past this is to get it all out in the open, ideally by talking calmly and maturely.

tara73

I also have a slightly different feeling here for the situation than him being only stingy.
You said in your opening post he supports you. So he supports you mentally and financially. That's a lot, a person can't do much more. Could it be he feels a bit overwhelmed by it all, now it has come to the point where he needs to support you 100% financially?

You already talked about the future, having kids. I think it is distinctive he felt the need to say he would want two kids, but not three. I think it shows his thoughts to your situation and relationship and it's a very realistic approach: he can see he might be the sole provider incomewise, say for the next 25 years for 4 people. That's his situation, OP. It can be daunting, especially when you live in such an expensive city as London.

I feel for you, OP, feeling unable to cope with work is horrible, but did you ever put yourself in his shoes?

He's probably not the best communicator, because if he feels uncomfortable with the whole situation, he should address it.

But I think you poking and testing his reaction in saying you might go back to Ireland because of the money issues is not working either and not the right approach.
Did you ever ask him how he feels about the situation, him paying for everything?
I think you need to discuss this openly and in a mature way.

LLMMLL

I think this thread has been way too harsh on him. Firstly, you need to discuss directly what your expectations are re him supporting you financially are, with details about what your plan for your career is, i.e. how long he will be supporting you for.

I have recently seen a situation where the gf basically had given up work even before the engagement. Making the decision to temporarily support someone can end up being a long term thing.

But in reality he probably just hasn't considered it fully and is waiting for the situation to come.to a head before fully dealing with it. Sure you can consider whether you want to be with someone like this but it's a fairly common trait.

Additionally, when you do discuss it, don't do it from a place of irritation as you do sound annoyed in this thread. Going to someone annoyed that they haven't offered to pay your way will make you look pretty bad.

Ursus Horribilis

I still fall on the "he's stingy" side of the fence but I wouldn't be dismissing the other argument either. What seems to be an issue here is lack of communication. The OP and her boyfriend need to have a long, very honest, very frank chat. No hints or conjecture or trying to figure out where the other one stands. If it means she can get the relationship onto a better footing, then great. If it means they break up, then it's better to know these things now before kids and mortgages come into play.

Mokuba

I'm on his side. You have made decision after decision to get you to this point and engineered a scenario where your poverty is somehow his fault.

You career changed to something which you said was "notoriously difficult". So I would presume you knew this going into it. I would presume you weighed up all the factors before making such a drastic change.

Then you decide you don't like it due to stress/anxiety. Ok, fair enough. Surely you would have something lined up before leaving the job. Did you talk to a professional about your issues? So as the boyfriend I'm now faced with you leaving the career that you previously said was the one for you. You were "signed off" - I presume he had to contribute more in this month?

Then you decide you'll sub - only you later decide you can only sub for certain classes. I'm sorry but at this point my eyes are rolling a bit. Part of being an adult is making sacrifices and standing on your own two feet. You are making decisions and ignoring the consequences of them. You are making decisions without plans/solutions. You are making decisions that are inevitably leading to this outcome!

So at this point I think it's safe to say that he is already subsidising you to a level, seeing as you are basically working part time in one of the most expensive cities in Europe.

Then you go for two interviews and because you don't get them are completely devastated. Like I understand the concept of being upset because of losing out on a job, but some people go for 10+ interviews and come out with nothing. You keep trying until you find something because that is what adults do. Keeping in mind that anybody will tell you not to leave a job until you have another lined up, so this situation is of your own doing.

Now you are faced with moving back to Ireland because you cannot afford to stay. Well unfortunately that is what happens when you quit a job, and then put restrictions on the work you are willing to do as a part time contractor.

You sound like you expect him to pay for your 6 weeks, after he has already been incredibly supportive so far. From his perspective you seem to be making bad decision after bad decision, and expect him to deal with the consequences. You even mention the fact that he earns double what you do as if that makes a difference.

Alarm bells would be ringing for me - I would feel like this could be a problem down the line, you don't like a role due to stress and anxiety and you end up in this position again. I would want to make it clear that while you are supported, that you can't just go around making stupid decisions willy nilly and expecting somebody else to clean up the mess.

The Ireland thing is probably 50% needing space from the undoubtedly intense stress that he has been put under during this time - Nobody seemed to care how he was getting on at work.. Maybe he was feeling terrible/bad about work but getting on with things? And another 50% him needing you to know that he isn't going to be an ATM to you a situation which is 100% your own doing.

I agree with him 100%.

EDIT -

Last night I joked how if we had kids it would make more sense for me to give up work than pay nursery costs but he didn't seem to be having any of it (hypothetical as it is!)

I just saw this and it's very funny - because in my head I thought while responding earlier, if I was him then I would be convinced that once ye get married then you would want to give up work altogether.

Based on what has happened thus far, I'd imagine it's far from a joke. It's the next step in this pattern. I'm positive that he sees this as the biggest likelihood right now, and does not want to have to individually support an adult and 2 children for the rest of his life, which is perfectly reasonable.

cactusgal

Sorry OP, I know the dissenting posts read as being quite harsh, but I have to agree with them.
You made these career changing decisions. What would you do if you were single? He's already subsidizing your rent and providing emotional support. I'd say he feels overwhelmed by the situation - you're talking about retraining, etc, how do you plan to pay for that? Maybe going back to Ireland and working for a while would help?

About the engagement - it's my opinion that couples shouldn't get engaged until they have all their ducks in a row - emotional, financial, goal-oriented plans. Your life plans, emotions, and finances sound chaotic at the moment, and getting engaged will not fix them. He's likely worried about how things will work out in the future, and needs more reassurance that you'll be able to pull your weight as an equal partner in the relationship before he makes any additional commitments, financial or otherwise.

cottonsocks

Bandana boy wrote: »

to play devils advocate here , actions speak louder than words , he is already subsidizing your lifestyle .
He did this when you made a case for it .Seems like a pretty nice guy to me

Make your case that he should pay for everything while you sort out your career and see what he says.

That said he is not responsible for your woes they in the main have all been choices you made.
From his point of view he was in relationship with an equal.She decided to downgrade her career and asked him to subsidize it . Then downgraded this new career to part time , then to refusing work , and all while expecting him to happily pay for it. I would come up with a plan more detailed than maybe do a course costing 2K.
Work out what you need from him to make it happen and how you will pay it back , and see if he will agree , he sounds like he has been pretty reasonable in the past I am sure he will again .

The trail of events you describe is not what I have done. I changed career before we started going out, not while we were going out.

Also, in addition to substitute teaching, I tutor 3 nights a week - but the problem with this is it can be fickle with people cancelling, etc so I can never guarantee an income.

And my joke about giving up full time work was only regarding before the child starts school, as he seemed agast at the cost of nurseries here, so I said it because we may well find out that it is more cost effective for me not to work for a while. But that's obviously all a long way away.

noodler

Slightly relived to read some of the more recent posts as I couldn't believe some of the initial posts condemning the boyfriend for the OP's perception of him.

I just couldn't see the posters condemning the boyfriend making the same points if the genders were reversed.

You'll have to be a big girl and make sure he is okay to pay your rent. This "he hasn't offered" is one of the more childish, naive things I have read in a modern world.

From what you have said, I wouldn't doubt his commitment to the relationship but I do wonder, and that's all I can do of course, if he is wondering if offering to pay your way is the right thing for you long term in terms of standing in your own two feet, getting back to contributing etc.

I wish you luck with whatever new career you are pursuing OP.

cottonsocks

Mokuba wrote: »

I'm on his side. You have made decision after decision to get you to this point and engineered a scenario where your poverty is somehow his fault.

You career changed to something which you said was "notoriously difficult". So I would presume you knew this going into it. I would presume you weighed up all the factors before making such a drastic change.

Then you decide you don't like it due to stress/anxiety. Ok, fair enough. Surely you would have something lined up before leaving the job. Did you talk to a professional about your issues? So as the boyfriend I'm now faced with you leaving the career that you previously said was the one for you. You were "signed off" - I presume he had to contribute more in this month?

Then you decide you'll sub - only you later decide you can only sub for certain classes. I'm sorry but at this point my eyes are rolling a bit. Part of being an adult is making sacrifices and standing on your own two feet. You are making decisions and ignoring the consequences of them. You are making decisions without plans/solutions. You are making decisions that are inevitably leading to this outcome!

So at this point I think it's safe to say that he is already subsidising you to a level, seeing as you are basically working part time in one of the most expensive cities in Europe.

Now you are faced with moving back to Ireland because you cannot afford to stay. Well unfortunately that is what happens when you quit a job, and then put restrictions on the work you are willing to do as a part time contractor.

Alarm bells would be ringing for me - I would feel like this could be a problem down the line, you don't like a role due to stress and anxiety and you end up in this position again. I would want to make it clear that while you are supported, that you can't just go around making stupid decisions willy nilly and expecting somebody else to clean up the mess.

Some of the comments you have made are very harsh without knowing full context.

In regards to him 'subsiding my lifestyle currently' - he isn't.

He pays more rent because when we were discussing moving in, and I told him my budget would be £500 (I wanted to try and get a place for £1000 so that we would have an even payment each) he said no, that anywhere we get for £1000 will be rubbish. So then he said our budget should be £1300 to get somewhere decent - which I couldn't afford half of. So I told him I can't pay half of that, and that's when I suggested we do it buy salary. I wasn't going to go broke just because he wanted somewhere fancier out of my price range when there were places that were decent but not perfect on the market for £1000.

Regarding leaving my job - I had been under stress since October, and finally cracked in January and was signed off on doctors orders in Feb for 3 weeks. I had been sent by my headteacher to Occupational Health, and it was they that recommended I needed to see my doctor. And I was paid my full normal salary whilst I was off sick - so no, he didn't have to subsidise or contribute anything whilst i was off.

It was not possible for me to look or secure a position before I left - firstly because it is very difficult in the UK teaching system to get time off for interviews, but mainly because your notice period in a state school is 3 to 4 months, making being able to leave with something to go to nigh on impossible. I requested to be let go early as I knew from how I was feeling once I returned that I wouldn't make it through the 7 week Easter term without being signed off again, so he let me go 2 weeks after this request - again not enough time to look for or secure anything.

As to why I went into a professional that's notoriously difficult - I wasn't aware of this when I went into it. Had I been, I of course would have stayed where I was. Unfortunately it's nothing like the Irish system so nothing really prepares you until you have your own class and all the constant shackles that comes with it over here.

As I mentioned in a post earlier, I am also tutoring as much as I can (currently 3 evenings a week) but this can be prone to people cancelling at the last minute, etc, so it is difficult to guarantee an income.

I don't work part time - I am available to the agency 5 days a week. It's more a case of how many days come in which have suitable work. This week, I was a teacher one day and a teaching assistant 4 days, which isn't too bad, but my wish every week would be to get 5 days as a teacher but this doesn't always happen.

He hasn't paid a penny so far towards anything I can't pay for already - so I would appreciate if you didn't assume that he has. My aim now month on month is always to have enough for rent, food, travel etc, and if I have nothing extra, then so be it. But like I say, it's the summer I worry about.

noodler

cottonsocks wrote: »

Some of the comments you have made are very harsh without knowing full context.

.

In fairness, quite a few posters who agree with you have been incredibly harsh on your boyfriend without having the full context as well.



And in fairness, if he is paying more than half the rent then he is subsidising you.

cottonsocks

noodler wrote: »

In fairness, quite a few posters who agree with you have been incredibly harsh on your boyfriend without having the full context as well.



And in fairness, if he is paying more than half the rent then he is subsidising you.

He had the option of paying the £500 - he chose not to. I don't see how that is him subsidising me?

noodler

cottonsocks wrote: »

He had the option of paying the £500 - he chose not to. I don't see how that is him subsidising me?

I'm surprised you couldn't see how that could be interpreted that way.

Look, I didn't mean to get bogged down on that detail.

You really need to speak to him about the summer. He might turn around and say "Jesus of course I will, it was never in doubt" or he might want a bit more clarity about your long term goals re a new career.

At the moment he is, imo, being condemned before he has had a chance to to talk.

cottonsocks

noodler wrote: »

I'm surprised you couldn't see how that could be interpreted that way.

Look, I didn't mean to get bogged down on that detail.

You really need to speak to him about the summer. He might turn around and say "Jesus of course I will, it was never in doubt" or he might want a bit more clarity about your long term goals re a new career.

At the moment he is, imo, being condemned before he has had a chance to to talk.

I understand.

It's been the small things all along that's gotten me worried now that we are on to a big thing - times like going to the cinema, I book the tickets he doesn't pay me back, the fact that it has always felt like he has kept a mental score card of who has spent what and keeping it all in check.

MHickman

I can see how you would feel unsupported OP particularly as you are going through a very rough time yourself and plans you've made to try and improve things for yourself haven't quite worked out. What I would say though is you really need to have a serious talk with him about what's going on and where your relationship is going long term.

It sounds like you've been under immense stress and 'upset' for a large chunk of your relationship and that can't have been easy for him either. It may sound flippant and harsh but there's part of me that thinks he might be sitting there feeling way out of his depth and thinking this isn't what he signed up for! Mental health issues are difficult enough for the person going through them but sometimes their nearest and dearest are forgotten because 'decent' people just support you through it right? The reality is we are all human and this is a lot for him to handle too. He may also feel like if you want to go to Ireland for the Summer maybe you should...a bit of free time at home to try and heal yourself.

You know him and your relationship better than we do so some of the posts here will come off as harsh on him or you. The most important thing you can do is TALK to him about your relationship. Neither of you saw this coming and stronger relationships have buckled under the weight of less.

LLMMLL

cottonsocks wrote: »

I understand.

It's been the small things all along that's gotten me worried now that we are on to a big thing - times like going to the cinema, I book the tickets he doesn't pay me back, the fact that it has always felt like he has kept a mental score card of who has spent what and keeping it all in check.

You're literally going to have to ask him for financial support while you find your feet. Dropping hints, semi-joking etc. Is not working. If he says no then you'll have to integrate this into the above small things and decide whether you want to stay with him. If he says yes, you'll still have to assess whether the small things above are a delabreaker. But continuing to drip hints would be a big mistake. Talk about it. ASAP.

Buffman

I've read the OP twice and I'm slightly mystified as to where the accusations of 'stinginess' on the boyfriends part are coming from. Unless the OP was heavily edited after being first posted, I'm not seeing it.

If anyone wants to give actual reasons on how the boyfriend is being stingy rather than just writing it, please feel free. Not offering to subsidise an unmarried partner is not stingy, especially when you haven't been asked to.

cottonsocks wrote: »

My boyfriend, though supportive in terms of asking how things are, helping me prepare for interviews etc, has given me no reassurances financially. Of course - I'm not expecting him to fund me,

Hi OP, that seems to be exactly what you are expecting though, except you won't openly ask for it and expect him to automatically offer it.

cottonsocks wrote: »

If you were in my situation, what would you expect from a boyfriend?

I'd openly and honestly lay all my cards on the table and ask for financial assistance/loan until I got sorted. There's nothing wrong with asking for help when it's genuinely needed. (It's a completely different scenario to people deliberately sponging off partners long term)

At the moment you appear to be approaching it in a confrontational and indirect manner, threatening to move back to Ireland etc. This is not the best way forward.

As others have suggested, it's time for an open, frank and honest discussion. Good luck with it.

Ursus Horribilis

The OP is going to be out of work and out of money for 6 weeks. He's prepared to have her move back to Ireland rather than help her out. If that's not being stingy and unsupportive, I don't know what is. Perhaps I'm putting words into the OP's mouth but I get the feeling that if the shoe was on the other foot she'd not leave him short. I mean, she's his life partner and supposedly the woman he'd like to have a family with. What's he doing, leaving her in a situation where she's going to have to board a plane and go home for 6 weeks?

Also, she has mentioned a few times his attitude towards money. She says "His default mode seems to be 'I pay, you pay, I pay, you pay' and 9 months of that, I just got fed up and called him up on it". Then in her latest post she says "It's been the small things all along that's gotten me worried now that we are on to a big thing - times like going to the cinema, I book the tickets he doesn't pay me back, the fact that it has always felt like he has kept a mental score card of who has spent what and keeping it all in check." In my opinion, this attitude towards money is rightly ringing alarm bells. In my experience, when your partner's not the sort who turns over every penny, you won't even notice things like this.

noodler

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

The OP is going to be out of work and out of money for 6 weeks. He's prepared to have her move back to Ireland rather than help her out. If that's not being stingy and unsupportive, I don't know what is. Perhaps I'm putting words into the OP's mouth but I get the feeling that if the shoe was on the other foot she'd not leave him short. I mean, she's his life partner and supposedly the woman he'd like to have a family with. What's he doing, leaving her in a situation where she's going to have to board a plane and go home for 6 weeks?

Also, she has mentioned a few times his attitude towards money. She says "His default mode seems to be 'I pay, you pay, I pay, you pay' and 9 months of that, I just got fed up and called him up on it". Then in her latest post she says "It's been the small things all along that's gotten me worried now that we are on to a big thing - times like going to the cinema, I book the tickets he doesn't pay me back, the fact that it has always felt like he has kept a mental score card of who has spent what and keeping it all in check." In my opinion, this attitude towards money is rightly ringing alarm bells. In my experience, when your partner's not the sort who turns over every penny, you won't even notice things like this.

He's paying more than 60% of the rent!

riemann

"His default mode seems to be 'I pay, you pay, I pay, you pay' and 9 months of that, I just got fed up and called him up on it"

Called him on what exactly?

Is it not normal for two adults to take turns paying in 2017?

Sounds to me that he has mentally checked out of the relationship and would be quite happy if you left.

Ursus Horribilis

So what? He is earning more than she is and they agreed to this beforehand.

Also, why do you think he should treat her differently just because they're not married? They are living together and splitting rent/bills between them. You must view co-habitation differently to the way I do.

TimeToShine

Plus this disdain toward the "I pay, you pay" has to stop. 50/50 is how it should be unless you explicitly agree otherwise or until you are married. He was even willing to pay the extra rent so you could live in a nicer apartment. If you don't like it you can either a) find someone more on your level financially or b) work hard to get to his level. I understand you are going through a difficult time but it seems to me like you are trying to portray him as a stingy lad even though you know he has been more than fair to you.

Ursus Horribilis

riemann wrote: »

"His default mode seems to be 'I pay, you pay, I pay, you pay' and 9 months of that, I just got fed up and called him up on it"

Called him on what exactly?

Is it not normal for two adults to take turns paying in 2017?

What if she's paying out much more than he is? I think that is the point she's making here. I don't know about you but if I was dating someone and I was paying for everything 4 times out of 5, I'd be peeved too.

riemann

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

What if she's paying out much more than he is? I think that is the point she's making here. I don't know about you but if I was dating someone and I was paying for everything 4 times out of 5, I'd be peeved too.

So would I.

However 2 out of 4 seems perfectly normal.

Ursus Horribilis

Going by what the OP says, she was the one mostly paying for things before she pulled him up on it.

noodler

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

So what? He is earning more than she is and they agreed to this beforehand.

Also, why do you think he should treat her differently just because they're not married? They are living together and splitting rent/bills between them. You must view co-habitation differently to the way I do.

So your comments about the OP having to pay for the odd cinema trip "setting off alarm bells" seems delusional when he is paying an additional 300 pounds a month so they can BOTH live in a nicer apartment.

cottonsocks

TimeToShine wrote: »

Plus this disdain toward the "I pay, you pay" has to stop. 50/50 is how it should be unless you explicitly agree otherwise or until you are married. He was even willing to pay the extra rent so you could live in a nicer apartment. If you don't like it you can either a) find someone more on your level financially or b) work hard to get to his level. I understand you are going through a difficult time but it seems to me like you are trying to portray him as a stingy lad even though you know he has been more than fair to you.

You are missing the point about the rent - he was quite happy for it to be halves even though halves would be a MUCH higher portion of my monthly income than his. He didn't care that I would have been basically left without money to socialise etc, as long as it was half. I literally had to point this out to him!

It is certainly not his natural mindset to be generous - not financially, or anything. It rarely feels like he gives much without always expecting something in return which struggle with.

He is from a much better of background than I am - the kind where you are expected to go to uni and the minimum would be you get a high paying job. But i can tell from his family he has picked some of their ways up - they live in a fantastic house etc. At Christmas, I brought a small present to his parents, but they hadn't gotten me anything despite it being our third Christmas together which felt a little awkward.

Ursus Horribilis

noodler wrote: »

So your comments about the OP having to pay for the odd cinema trip "setting off alarm bells" seems delusional when he is paying an additional 300 pounds a month so they can BOTH live in a nicer apartment.

In my opinion, this more expensive apartment is giving this guy an "out" he doesn't deserve. Maybe he genuinely wanted to live in a nicer place and it's suiting him as much as anything else. I'm looking at the bigger picture here. The guy's slowness to step up to the plate with other matters.

I see the OP has come back with an update. It reinforces my "delusional" opinions I'm afraid but I'm in a minority here.

OP, all I can suggest is you talk to him very frankly and very directly. Tell him what you've told us. Good luck, whatever you decide.

njs030

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Going by what the OP says, she was the one mostly paying for things before she pulled him up on it.

She said it was "I pay, you pay" so 50/50 and he paid an extra 300 of the rent.
How did she pay more?

She seems to expect him to pay more because she earns less and didn't research her chosen profession before entering it.
In one of her posts she says she didn't know how hard it was. My sister is a primary school teacher and considered moving to England but after researching it decided against it for that reason so it can't be impossible to find out!

cottonsocks

notjustsweet wrote: »

She said it was "I pay, you pay" so 50/50 and he paid an extra 300 of the rent.
How did she pay more?

She seems to expect him to pay more because she earns less and didn't research her chosen profession before entering it.
In one of her posts she says she didn't know how hard it was. My sister is a primary school teacher and considered moving to England but after researching it decided against it for that reason so it can't be impossible to find out!

I managed to work in teaching 2.5 years before I ended up on stress leave - and I don't really think criticising my career choice which was made before I was with him really has any relevance to the situation that is now. I can't go back and change it.

No - I don't expect him to pay more. But if he wants to live in an apartment that is outside my means, then the money has to come from somewhere, and as he is the one requesting this, I think it's perfectly reasonable he foots more of it.

Loveinapril

You need to clearly tell him that you need his help financially. If being generous isn't his natural way of being, then he isn't going to offer. I have a very well off brother who is similar. He can see a situation and all the signs of a financial struggle are screaming at him but until he is asked for a loan, he just doesn't offer.

Your boyfriend may want a direct question as opposed to being felt like he HAS to do it, which I think is fair enough. I am currently the sole breadwinner in my house but it is still never expected that I pay for things, despite us both knowing that 85% I do. Regardless of the financial situation, we are still partners.

njs030

cottonsocks wrote: »

I managed to work in teaching 2.5 years before I ended up on stress leave - and I don't really think criticising my career choice which was made before I was with him really has any relevance to the situation that is now. I can't go back and change it.

No - I don't expect him to pay more. But if he wants to live in an apartment that is outside my means, then the money has to come from somewhere, and as he is the one requesting this, I think it's perfectly reasonable he foots more of it.

Well it is relevant in that you're expecting your boyfriend to support you because you've made a series of poor choices. While it's too late to go back and change it now perhaps it's important to realise that rather than blaming him for not wanting to bail you out.

Yes he agreed to pay the extra and that's fine but he didn't agree to support you for 6 weeks which is what your thread is about so talking to him without blame or demands is going to be important.

LLMMLL

I think the point about the parents and the christmas present kind of sums up your attitude. You have certain expectations and if someone behaves differently you form a certain opinion on them. There could be many reasons they didn't get you a gift. They may not be big gift givers. They may only give gifts to immediate relatives. Your gift may have been seen as the traditional gift that a guest brings and not requiring reciprocation etc etc.

Whatever their reasons you seem to have moved them into the "stingy" category. You also seem to be about to stick your bf in that category too.

leggo

OP I'm in two minds reading your follow ups and some of the responses.

On one hand, I feel you're getting a little harsh responses. It's okay to try a job and not have it work out, to take a break and refocus, basically all you're doing. That's fine. But ultimately you can't make these decisions without having a fallback where you can live financially independent. What if you caught the boyfriend cheating or had a massive row and the relationship ended? You're not married like. Two years is the stage where it's serious but can still fall apart at a moment's notice, not the stage where you can make decisions and expect some kind of financial support from your partner. You can't really do that until you're married, or at least far enough along that you've actually discussed it. But that's just a live and learn mistake on your part, nothing unforgivable.

On the other...like...you notice a LOT about money. There's no other way to put it. You've made mental notes about his upbringing, the size of his parents' home, the fact that they haven't bought you a Christmas present, his wages, you've obviously thought about the possibility of him being able to financially support you if you had a kid. I have to ask: do you think part of the frustration you're feeling right now is based on you seeing how wealthy he was and maybe thinking "nice one" at some stage? And now that it's not panning out that you can be a kept woman if the situation demands, you're feeling this way? That's a genuine soul-searching question, not a judgement by the way.

Furthermore, do you think some of his behaviour could be based around him maybe picking up on this? It'd make sense of him putting the foot down at two kids at least. It'd make sense of him not offering money to support you, so he can see if that's what your expectations are. If he's from a wealthy background, maybe this isn't the first time he's had people putting a claim on his money and it's something he looks out and tests people for. It's what I'd be like in his shoes tbh, "Does she like me for me or my money?" Because, if he was sussing you out, the harsh truth is that it's showing that you do feel somewhat entitled to be looked after, a mere two years in. This thread alone is proof of that. The joke you made about having kids would raise massive alarm bells to me.

First off, you need to have some honest, open conversations with him and get to the bottom of this.

Secondly, you need to have some soul-searching with yourself about how you feel about money and partnerships. I asked it and several others have since but I haven't seen a response yet: what would your plan be if you broke up tomorrow? Do you think because he's wealthy it's his duty to provide for you? Do you want a partner who will provide for you in general? (Nothing wrong if you do, you're allowed have personal preferences, just this may not be the guy in that case) Get to the bottom of that and you'll get to the bottom of this. But don't beat yourself up, either. This is all just a learning experience.