What would you expect a boyfriend to do in this situation?

meeeeh

cottonsocks wrote: »

Hi,

I do always offer with his family - of course, it's the decent thing to do. That's why I found it disappointing that he doesn't.

I never offer with my partner's family and he never offers with mine. If we invite them out then we pay without them offering to pay. We never split the bill. I would assume that is the arrangement in most families.

Reading the whole thread I am still not sure where I stand. I think supporting your partner when they are in difficulty is a decent thing. But I had a friend who was supported by his girlfriend while he was 'studying'. He was not working and he was not finishing his studies either and after she finally kicked him out he suddenly managed to do both. I'm not suggesting you are that bad but he might think that you are using him as a crutch and not dealing with your problems.

I don't think he is supporting you paying more for accommodation. He is on a lot better income and he either has to adapt to live somewhere that is not beyond your means or contribute more. So I don't think criticism you got for that arrangement is fair. However I wouldn't think someone very stingy would agree to that situation either. So I don't think all the criticism of him is fair either.

I think the biggest problem is that you expect him offering something without you asking for it. You seem very passive in your actions and I don't think you have the luxury of that. You will have to be more proactive in getting permanent work (maybe look for some input from professionals for what type of jobs could you apply for). And you will have to be more forthcoming with your bf telling him what you need. His reaction will tell you how he sees the two of you and maybe also if he feels that you are using him as crutch and not dealing with your situation.

But I wouldn't be reading much into not offering to pay his share at family outing or not paying for cinema tickets (especially since he does take you out and pays for it)..

Brego888

Definitely on the boyfriends side here. It's up to you to sort your own life and finances out not him. You can't expect him to react exactly like you would like him to by offering to completely support you financially when he is already paying more than his share. He may well be stingy but that isn't the main issue here. People aren't perfect. I doubt he is a mind reader so you need to talk to him.

Someone in an earlier reply imagined a hypothetical discussion your boyfriend would have and it was pretty much exactly how I would react in his shoes. I'm sorry to be blunt as you are clearly having a tough time, but you really need to take responsibility for your own life. That could be making significant sacrifices to reestablish control of your own finances or deciding if/how you want to proceed with your relationship.

Ursus Horribilis

Financially, is it going to make much difference to the boyfriend? Unless he's planning to rent out the OP's side of the bed for the 6 weeks she's gone, he's going to be paying full whack for the rent/electricity etc.

njs030

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Financially, is it going to make much difference to the boyfriend? Unless he's planning to rent out the OP's side of the bed for the 6 weeks she's gone, he's going to be paying full whack for the rent/electricity etc.

In her first post she said she has to move home because she can pay the rent but not any thing else.
How does every other teacher manage for the 6 weeks? Savings over the year I assume.

meeeeh

notjustsweet wrote: »

In her first post she said she has to move home because she can pay the rent but not any thing else.
How does every other teacher manage for the 6 weeks? Savings over the year I assume.

No. Full time teachers get paid during summer. Substitute teachers get paid when they work.

njs030

meeeeh wrote: »

No. Full time teachers get paid during summer. Substitute teachers get paid when they work.

Ah I see thanks for clarifying

tara73

notjustsweet wrote: »

In her first post she said she has to move home because she can pay the rent but not any thing else.
How does every other teacher manage for the 6 weeks? Savings over the year I assume.

that's one thing I wonder also OP. You seem to have no savings. It's fine for people who just finished studies, in their early twenties to have no savings. But you worked, in marketing and in teaching. It should have been possible and also vital to save some money.
I think at this point and the length of this thread it appears you really want somebody who sponsors you in life. He doesn't seem to be the right person for that. So you need to make decisisons again, and maybe it would be good to make this decisions in the direction of relying on yourself more than on others.

Hannibal_Smith

Sometimes it's hard to get a situation across in black and white text. It doesn't really matter how your boyfriend comes across to people on here. The point is how you feel about it.

Regarding your opening post and the situation you're currently in. If you were in a long term relationship and you were down on your luck then I would have expected some support. My husband was made redundant when we were first living together. He had ample savings to dip in to, but thankfully it was never needed and we survived on my salary until he found another job. There was never a discussion about it. That's what had to be done. But we were together 8 years at that stage.

In your case, I guess you've spotted a few things in the past that would make you second guess whether your boyfriend would help you now. I think 2 years into a relationship is very early to 'expect ' anything. Expecting him to finance you for 6 weeks is a lot to ask. It's not something I would offer really because it's a very uncertain future. You changed career, it wasn't for you, tried becoming a substitute teacher, that hasn't worked out and now youve narrowed the net with your agency again. So how long is he actually going to have to subsidise you for? It's not only for 6 weeks is it? It's for the entire time until you find something my permanent. When will that be?

I don't think your boyfriend is in the wrong for not offering to help. I think you need to have a think about what your plans are for the future and how you can survive financially.

BTW...I think your boyfriend is also right on paying more for somewhere nice to live. If he has money and is able to fund it, why shouldn't he live somewhere nice?

All that said, as others have said. Talk to him. It's a conversation you need to have sooner rather than later.

Mr. Incognito

This is a tricky one and im sorry but your post and responses smack of entitlement

You are living in a subsidised apartment you cannot afford and want to live rent free because of bad decisions.

This nonsense of being too stressed to take anything other than junior infants is a joke. If you cannot work and support yourself go home. We all deal with stress at work

From the bfs perspective id run a mile. I had the same thing with an ex who was a student who i paid most of the rent for and earned more than.

She informed me around xmas one year she "needed" three hundred euro to visit family abroad.

I ended the relationship because shed always be a freeloader.

witchgirl26

OP I've read through this thread and honestly it sounds like the two of you just have very different attitudes to money and how it's split and that maybe he doesn't see the issue as it's never been a problem before. You need to have a properly open discussion about money as a whole and not just in isolation about one thing like rent.

I do agree that if one person earns substantially more than the other, then splitting things like rent and some bills should be pro-rated based on this but after discussion. Food though I do believe should still remain 50/50. As for paying for things like the cinema - for a while my other half earned quite a bit more than me but we still split most of the costs of evenings out. Every so often I'd treat him or vice versa. We have a joint account for those things now & it comes out of it but beforehand it would have been a you pay, I pay type thing.

I know my other half was frustrated with the fact I had no savings really when we first moved in together while he had quite a significant sum. It did cause problems until we sat down and talked about it and he understood why I had no savings and we figured out a way together to help me save more. You need to have the honest, open and frankly at times uncomfortable chat about that.

I also know he doesn't like the idea of either one of us staying at home full time (unless absolutely needed) as he feels we should both contribute to the house.

I think there's fault on both sides but you can't expect him to suddenly offer to support you for the 6 weeks of the summer if maybe he doesn't understand the full impact of the situation. He's supported you emotionally up to this point and when you pointed out the rent thing to him, he agreed so it's not like he's an unreasonable sort from the sound of it. Talk. It's the only way.

suicide_circus

OP, sorry but i'd say his head is wrecked with you. I've had my doctor offer to sign me off with stress on a number of occasions but I haven't done it because i simply can't afford to. A huge amount of people hate their jobs and just continue to grit their teeth and go in every morning because that's what adults do. Life is hard. Tbh it sounds like you see him as a cash cow and he has copped on to this.

SarahMollie

leggo wrote: »

On one hand, I feel you're getting a little harsh responses. It's okay to try a job and not have it work out, to take a break and refocus, basically all you're doing. That's fine. But ultimately you can't make these decisions without having a fallback where you can live financially independent. What if you caught the boyfriend cheating or had a massive row and the relationship ended? You're not married like. Two years is the stage where it's serious but can still fall apart at a moment's notice, not the stage where you can make decisions and expect some kind of financial support from your partner. You can't really do that until you're married, or at least far enough along that you've actually discussed it. But that's just a live and learn mistake on your part, nothing unforgivable.

This is pretty much how I see it. I definitely can sympathise with your situation, but I'm finding a lack of personal accountability and self sufficiency astounding.

You seem to have given up the notion that you need to be self sufficient, before you're even engaged, let alone married. Even after marriage I'd argue that you should still be capable of sustaining yourself however I understand that kids etc can change that balance. You should not be taking another persons financial support for granted before a serious commitment has been made.

Think about what young teachers who have not yet been made permanent do for their summer income - in Ireland the holidays are even longer so they've a bigger gap to fill. However, any young teachers I knew were able to sustain themselves over the summer by doing a variety of part time work, so related to teaching, some not. Surely there are seasonal jobs available in London that could tide you over.

Also, have you thought of TEFL? Teaching people who are paying to be there? You'd be very unlikely to face the same discipline issues you're finding in public schools.

You need to learn to be more adaptable in todays jobs market. Its coming across to me like you're incapable of handling change/failure which may be coming across at interview and harming your prospects. You need to learn to think outside the box and stand on your own two feet.

GingerLily

OP, you sound as though you want to eventually be a kept women and your family also expect that too.
Your partner doesn't sound like he wants that, so what options do you have?

Big Bag of Chips

cottonsocks wrote: »

my boyfriend knows the troubles I have been having and actively supports me in leaving the profession to try and move back to marketing, which I worked in before.

What steps have you made towards moving back to marketing? I can't understand why you left a permanent teaching job for your mental health, only to immediately sign up to substitute teaching posts. Is it not still teaching? Is subbing not even more difficult that permanent jobs because you don't get a chance to establish yourself anywhere and get any sort of relationship built up with the kids? Teaching adults, who want to learn is probably an easier job for you. You don't have to be an expert in a particular subject. You can do adult literacy for example. Why are you planning on going back to subbing in September? Why not focus on getting back to marketing, which is what your partner believed you were trying to do?

I feel sorry for you because you're obviously in over your head and completely sinking, and as a result you seem to be burying yourself further afraid to stick your head up and do something about it. But there are options. So many options. You just need to look outside schools. Maybe even look outside inner city London. Commute. Change age group. Go back to marketing. You are a young single (in the sense that you are not married) woman with no dependents. There is no reason for you not to work. And there is no reason, at this point in your life, to depend on a partner for any significant time. A few weeks between jobs, maybe, but anything past that is taking advantage.

gline

I might be wrong, but I think a break of 6 weeks at home might actually be the best thing for you and maybe that is what your partner is thinking also. Maybe he sees you as under too much stress and in need of a break to get your head in order.

I do think its unfair as seeing him as stingy, because when you do speak to him it does seem like he is accomodating, though "throwing things out there for a reaction" is childish, you probably just need to sit down and lay things out with him, he might just be a bit clueless to the whole situation. I think he is just being careful that you dont get "used" to living off him. Also I'm not sure if you have touched on it, but deep down in the near future, would you be happy if he did subsidise you, so you didnt have to work much or at all?

If you suffer from stress as badly as you do, that will affect any job, so you now need to plan that around your career choices, like choosing a less stressful career and then start saving so that you wont have to ask for help if you are out of work in the future.

Bambi985

You know having read the rest of the thread I now can see things from the OH's partner's point of view and think there's some interesting food for thought in it.

London is bloody expensive, I know that because I live in the heart of it and six weeks subbing someone for rent, bills, cost of living etc will be upwards of a few grand which is a lot of money if saving is your priority (which it sounds to be for this guy) AND if you don't know what your OH's situation will be by the end of that. Will she still be unable to work and pay her own way? Will she become totally dependent on the handouts? etc etc. Putting myself in those shoes, I'd be very concerned indeed. Most of my disposable income is being forked into my savings at the moment and this would set me back significantly - especially during the height of summer when there'll be more plans, more festivals, weddings and the like.

I'd agree that some time at home may be exactly what you need, coupled with more therapy to deal with the anxiety and perhaps a reboot in terms of your approach to work. I totally get the stresses associated with teaching in the UK as I have a cousin in the same predicament, but if most people but the same restrictions and limitations on themselves in terms of the type of work they'll accept they'd find themselves in the same position of being significantly less employable from a business perspective.

I'd say go home, put your thinking cap on, take a break from London and come back with a firm plan in hand, whether it's about re-connecting with your marketing contacts to try to get an "in" there or to take what comes in teaching while you can raise the money to do additional training.

Meeoow

OP. Are you entitled to dole for the six weeks you're out of work?
I know it's not great over there, but it'll help. Plus you might be due a tax rebate or tax credits.

woodchuck

cottonsocks wrote: »

At the moment, with the prospect of 6 weeks of no pay over the summer, the very real situation is I may have to go back to Ireland for those 6 weeks and hopefully manage to pay my portion of rent towards the flat we live in together. If I stay in London, I won't be able to afford food, transport, etc.

OP can you explain what you mean here? Are you talking about moving back to Ireland for 6 weeks AND paying rent in London at the same time?

cottonsocks

woodchuck wrote: »

OP can you explain what you mean here? Are you talking about moving back to Ireland for 6 weeks AND paying rent in London at the same time?

Yes - a number of people don't seem to have read the initial message properly and are misinterpreting what I am asking about. I am saying that I would come home and stay with my parents, but I will try and still pay my rent on my apartment for the 6 weeks. But being at home means I won't have food/transport/entertainment costs. I was never proposing asking him to pay my rent - I wouldn't do that! By paying the rent, at least I know there's a cap on the amount I need available for the 6 weeks and I can try and have money put aside. So all I was hoping he could help me out with was food and transport costs - I wasn't asking for rent. So many people have taken what I was hoping I might get help with completely out of context. I have no idea how a little help with food and transport costs over the summer has suddenly turned into me wanting to be a kept woman hoping he will go out and earn the cash and I can sit at home spending it. No idea at all.

Big Bag of Chips

But this isn't just about a 6 week period... What are your plans for September?

osarusan

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

But this isn't just about a 6 week period... What are your plans for September?

...

cottonsocks wrote: »

No everything should be back to normal come September when school starts again, but it will basically be the 6 or 7 weeks from mid-July that there is a problem.

cottonsocks

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

But this isn't just about a 6 week period... What are your plans for September?

The best case scenario is that by mid July, I will have secured a permanent non teaching position. Worst case is that I have some work until mid July, but then I am out of work, and if I don't secure a position by September, I will then have to continue subbing until I get something permanent.

Ursus Horribilis

I think this thread is going round and round in circles to be honest. It's time you took the bull by the horns and talked to your boyfriend. As you can see, thoughts differ and some people have very strong opinions on this. Ultimately, this is your relationship and your boyfriend. If you can't talk to him, then....

Big Bag of Chips

But you don't want to be in teaching. You don't want to sub unless it's in the infant classes, so you are severely limiting the jobs you will be offered or accept in September.

So - if you haven't gotten non teaching work by September, then what are your plans? You can't hang around waiting for infant subbing positions. Are you trying to get back into marketing? Have you been actively looking for jobs? Sending out CVs, getting in touch with any contacts you may have had?

You need to be proactive. As others have mentioned you come across as far too passive in this and waiting for something to land in your lap. Be that the perfect subbing job, or your boyfriend subsidising you for as long as it takes a marketing job to come calling.

You need to talk to him, obviously, but you also need to know what you're going to go to him with. What's your plan? You want to get out of teaching so what are you doing now, or what will you do in the next few weeks to get there? You need to have a definite plan, not just a vague idea of what you might do.

bikubesong

OP, I've scanned through the thread and apologies if this was addressed and I missed it, but why wouldn't you get a job - any job - for the summer?

I also lived in London, found myself in a toxic work environment, and went through a period of depression. I didn't want to come back to Ireland so I left the job I was miserable in and got myself a retail job in a clothes shop in Covent Garden. It was a step down financially but for the sake of my mental health at the time I just wanted to cover my rent/bills/food/travel/social costs while working in a low-stress, low-responsibility job that I didn't have to give a thought to once I was off the clock.

Retail might not be your passion in life or your dream career but IMO it's a nice enough job with minimal stress (depending on the company that is). It allowed me to cover my living expenses and keep my spirits up by engaging in work/communication with others while focussing on my mental health without work stress causing me added anxiety.

You're a young woman with experience working with people, you should have zero problems finding a retail job or similar in London.

As other people have pointed out in this thread, I think your issues and resentment with your boyfriend is something that you need to consider and obviously a summer job isn't going to fix that. But it will solve your immediate problem which is affording to pay your way in London for the summer.

irishdude11

It sounds like your boyfriend realises that you could end up being a serious drain on him going forward. He's a young guy in a well-paying job in London, which is notoriously expensive, and now that you've quit the teaching job alarm bells are probably going off for him. First you ditched the marketing role, now you've ditched the teaching job, and so to him it seems like it could be the case that you will never be willing, or able, to work full time..which means he would have to foot the bill for you for decades into the future if you were to stay together. Whether that turns out to be the case or not, who can say, but if I was in his shoes I would certainly consider this a dealbreaker for me, especially if I was already paying more than my fair share in the relationship, and now it was expected of me to pay more..not worth the hassle, if a relationship is not enhancing your life, and instead has become a drain on it, whats the point?

It's clear by the way he always aims to split outgoings 50/50 that he is concerned about being taken advantage of for his money, and to him this is what is now actually happening if he is to foot the bill for you because you can't pay your own way. Your best bet if you want to stay with him is to take basically any job so that he doesn't feel like he his being taken advantage of and pull the plug on the relationship. If what you are really looking for is a kept woman lifestyle, whether you want to admit it or not, you would probably be better off ending the relationship yourself as it doesn't seem like this is a guy who will settle for that situation.

SimpleDimples

Inside of focusing on your boyfriend, focus on doing something to help yourself.

woodchuck

cottonsocks wrote: »

woodchuck wrote: »

OP can you explain what you mean here? Are you talking about moving back to Ireland for 6 weeks AND paying rent in London at the same time?

Yes - a number of people don't seem to have read the initial message properly and are misinterpreting what I am asking about. I am saying that I would come home and stay with my parents, but I will try and still pay my rent on my apartment for the 6 weeks. But being at home means I won't have food/transport/entertainment costs. I was never proposing asking him to pay my rent - I wouldn't do that! By paying the rent, at least I know there's a cap on the amount I need available for the 6 weeks and I can try and have money put aside. So all I was hoping he could help me out with was food and transport costs - I wasn't asking for rent. So many people have taken what I was hoping I might get help with completely out of context. I have no idea how a little help with food and transport costs over the summer has suddenly turned into me wanting to be a kept woman hoping he will go out and earn the cash and I can sit at home spending it. No idea at all.

Thanks for clarifying OP. 

I think most people on here are being very harsh on you! I think it's more than fair of you to offer to keep up paying your half of the rent if you're not even living there. In fact I'd go as far to say it's stingy of him to accept the money from you in that situation!! Does he realise what you meant? Is there any chance you both got your wires crossed and he thought you meant that you'd be moving back to Ireland for 6 weeks and he'd have to pay the whole rent on the place himself?

While you're in no position to expect money from him or ask him for it, it would hurt a little bit for me too that he would prefer for you to move away for 6 weeks rather than cover food and transport in the short term (or pay a higher portion of the rent so you can afford food and transport). 

Honestly advice threads for couples on finances on here can be so mixed. Sometimes people say that couples should absolutely pay 50:50. Other times that it should be absolutely based on percentage income. One key point though is that couples should help each other out financially when they face hard times. So I can't understand why everyone is turning against you on this point! 6 weeks is not that long and you're only looking for a bit of leeway, not a total handout at all.

Bottom line is try talk to him again? Not with any expectations though. Just let him know very clearly that you need to move home 6 weeks because you can't afford food/transport during that time, but that you're willing to keep covering your half of the rent. I can't imagine anyone with a half decent wage would sit by and let this happen with all the cards clearly on the table unless there is more to the story. It's only 6 weeks! What is his financial situation like though?

Skibunny77

Op, why can't you find any type of part time work? A supermarket or somewhere to make a few quid and avoid relying on your partner? Food and transport costs for six weeks will probably run into a few hundred but I would be really uncomfortable with having to borrow from my partner, especially after just two years. It's not like borrowing 100 quid for something, it's borrowing to basically live as an independent adult, because you are unable to provide for yourself. I would face the consequences of choices made and go home. Avoid dependency.

Hannibal_Smith

cottonsocks wrote: »

Yes - a number of people don't seem to have read the initial message properly and are misinterpreting what I am asking about. I am saying that I would come home and stay with my parents, but I will try and still pay my rent on my apartment for the 6 weeks. But being at home means I won't have food/transport/entertainment costs. I was never proposing asking him to pay my rent - I wouldn't do that! By paying the rent, at least I know there's a cap on the amount I need available for the 6 weeks and I can try and have money put aside. So all I was hoping he could help me out with was food and transport costs - I wasn't asking for rent. So many people have taken what I was hoping I might get help with completely out of context. I have no idea how a little help with food and transport costs over the summer has suddenly turned into me wanting to be a kept woman hoping he will go out and earn the cash and I can sit at home spending it. No idea at all.

A little help with food and transport? You were asking for him to support you while you were out of work for 6 weeks.

How are you going to pay rent when you have no income?

How are you going to finance living at home with no income while paying for rent in your apartment?

As I said previously in the thread, there is a chance this could slide beyond 6 weeks. That is not a fair thing to ask of your boyfriend.

Then again, have you even asked him? Have you even spoken to him yet?