Asking grown children to pay for housekeeping

Airyfairy12 · 12-01-2017 6:35pm

My experience from living with parents as an adult, I wasnt working, I was on social welfare and still giving up 40 euro every week plus buying my own food, doing my own washing ect. My parents didnt pay anything towards my degree besides the odd the 20 euro when I was really stuck and some help with rent payments which I paid back by handing over my grant that came in May and June every year when I had moved back home for the summer, when I moved back home permanently after college I struggled to find work and signed on, took 8 weeks to get my payments but got the 8 weeks payment backdated so I got 1500 euro, all my back paid money that I got from signing on the dole was given to my mother to payback money she'd loaned me for rent. I couldnt afford to buy myself a cheap coat or pair of shoes that I badly needed but I still handed up everything to my parents.

IMO your kids are incredibly spoiled.

As for your 24 year old saying she cant save anything, thats utter bull. I managed to save no problem and I wasnt even working, just from my social welfare. She's too used to having everything handed to her, she needs a reality check. Whats she going to do when she has to pay her own way in life or will she expect mammy and daddy to continue giving her hands outs?

Rezident · 12-01-2017 6:49pm

€50 a week here? Should be more than that surely. Ask them to move out for a few months and they will appreciate the situation.

sReq | uTeK · 12-01-2017 8:35pm

Jesus is it any wonder half the country expect a house for free and handouts left right and centre.

HOW anyone could entertain the thoughts of paying a 24 year olds way for them when they're working is beyond a joke. Food, board and clothing while they're off to the pisser Nd you're minding their kids. Hahah Christ I've heard it all now.

Yes there are exceptions, saving for a house etc. But show me the direct debit and the savings month on month. I ain't no fool and won't be taken for one.

Goose81 · 12-01-2017 11:13pm

noel100 wrote: »

3 children 2 now working full-time one with child.
3rd child repeating final year of college.
Degrees paid for by me. Been broke for years paying for them going to college, holidays etc bills for the house, ask 2 who are working to contribute towards housekeeping. Getting a lot of resistance. Only a nominal amount of money 50euro a week.
Would free me up to spend some of my income on other things that have been neglected.

Does anyone have issues charging housekeeping. When I was young living at home it never was an issue for me.

Like to hear other people's thoughts.

Hope this is the right thread.

Charge them maybe 200 a month but make it a condition that while they stay in your house they save for a house deposit, you look after it to ensure its actually being saved.
When I was at home I paid my mum 200 a month, I now have to move home at 29 to save for a deposit. I think its a good idea you take that money on their behalf so they dont end up coming back to you at 30 haha

I lived like a king when living at home spending money like it was nothing, wish Id saved

So 200 for you and then you put away the other 400 they give you.

RoryW · 13-01-2017 2:03am

the parents of someone I know charged a "rent" of 30% of net income to their kids when they were working and still at home.

Day 1 working this is hardly anything

As they work more and earn more this increases

Teaches them to appreciate money, possibly move out when they can afford to and also appreciate that housing costs tend to be about 30% for people

Ultimately the money made its way back to the kids later in life in dig outs for deposits etc so it was not done for the money by the parents

Walter H Price · 13-01-2017 10:43am

uch wrote: »

Noel100 I'd start by telling them you are cancelling Broadband and Telly service as you can't afford it but suggest that they can pay for it if they want to keep it. My adult kids couldn't survive without Broadband, so they pay

i definitely think there are better ways for the OP to approach this then threats , threats work with children, but with Adults your just going to get their backs up. Had my Ma tried a threat like that i'd of laughed it off , as if she cud live with out broadband and my Da without sky golf.

My advice for the OP would be to just sit down with his kids (the ones earning) and have a grown up conversation about them paying their own way in the house and be prepared to sacrifice a few rules if there's any there to give them a sense that they are contributing and gaining some freedom at the same time.

The only threat and it should not be an idol one like i'm cutting off broadband or TV is that realistically they need to either pay their way at home or move out simple as.

SarahMollie · 13-01-2017 11:58am

Hi OP,

For what its worth, showing a bit of tough love in this area is probably one of the best things you can do for your children in the long run.

When I was 22 and had my first job, my parents gifted me enough money for a rental deposit and said off you go, find somewhere to live. They were happy to support me to take my first few independent steps but wanted me out of the nest so that I wouldn't become to accustomed to an overly cozy existence. I've lived out of home ever since, in a variety of house shares, apartment shares and ultimately I bought my own place about 18 months ago. My parents didnt want money from me to stay at home, they wanted me out - in the nicest possible way of course

By having it cost €0 for them to live at home, they have it too easy and will therefore never be motivated to stand on their own two feet. I get that not everyone can afford to do what my parents did for me, and the rental market is now very different but you need to take some steps to encourage them to be independent. In the short term that means charging rent (gives the accountability) and in the longer term, they need to be taking steps towards having their own places permanently.

I've a cousin a few years older than me who never moved out of home. She traveled a bit for maybe a few months at a time, but always came back to Dublin to live with her mam. She's now not been anywhere in years. She's never made a success of any job with any long term future, preferring instead to work casual/part time jobs so she could flit around the place. Shes in her mid thirties now but its like she thinks shes still 21. She's probably the main reason my parents took a reasonably hard line stance with me as they weren't risking me still being at home in years to come.

Is there anyone you can point out as either an inspiration or a cautionary tale to make them see that being independent is for their own good?

TimeToShine · 13-01-2017 4:43pm

There seem to be two camps here; the set of parents who want their kids to live at home and those that don't.

If you're in the former category, are reasonably financially stable, and consider your kids to be responsible, there really isn't that good of a reason to charge them rent. You can argue for teaching them responsibility but ultimately it's a judgement call that you have to make. A kid who finishes a degree in 4 years with flying colours and lands a nice graduate job immediately is clearly responsible to some extent and as such I don't see any added benefit from taking money from them unless you're struggling financially.

If you're in the second camp and you can't wait for your kids to fly the nest so you can enjoy your twilight years "in peace" then charging them might be the way forward. Young people will soon realise if they're going to be forking out 400 euro a month to the parents for rent they may as well move out and pay the extra to gain the privileges that come with independent living. Ultimately it comes down to each specific family dynamic - some can barely stand each other whereas others will happily sit with their parents for a cup of tea every evening chatting away. Why impose a general expectation on kids when each family is clearly very different?

Dial Hard · 13-01-2017 4:54pm

TimeToShine wrote:

There seem to be two camps here; the set of parents who want their kids to live at home and those that don't.

Eh, no.

My parents had no issue with any of us living at home for as long as we wanted/needed, and indeed I moved back home at the age of 30 when my marriage ended and stayed for two years. I could move home tomorrow and be welcomed with open arms.

But any adult working full time was always expected to contribute to the house, simple as. I paid about half the market rate for the area last time I lived there. My parents are very comfortable financially, they didn't need the money, my dad simply believes wholeheartedly that everyone should pay their way. It really is as simple as that for some people.

Big Bag of Chips · 13-01-2017 4:55pm

I think the term "rent" always confuses the issue here. I think parents who look for money from their adult children who still live at home aren't necessarily charging "rent". But they are taking a contribution to the cost of having another adult living in the house. An adult who should be taking on the responsibility of contributing to their own costs, purely because they are an adult. Food, heating, washing products, laundry, hot water, etc.

It's not looking for "rent + utilities" it's "rent to include paying your way in life". Which every earning (even if social welfare) adult should do for themselves.

As asked before, at what age are they no longer considered a child at home, and considered to be an adult? I can't imagine any parent being too happy to have a 35 year old 'child', still living at home and contributing nothing financially to their household. But I can imagine plenty of 35 year old 'children' being only too happy to exploit that set up if they could get away with it.

SarahMollie · 13-01-2017 5:01pm

TimeToShine wrote: »

There seem to be two camps here; the set of parents who want their kids to live at home and those that don't.

I disagree wtih this too. It shouldnt be about the parents and their needs/wants, it should be all about the adult children and their development.

I have friends who's parents actively discouraged them from moving out. It was nothing to do with money, and they werent asked to contribute, the parents simply wanted them at home. This is stiffing your children IMO.

In my experience, those who stayed at home that bit too long were stuck in a delayed adolescence. They didnt save any more money than those of us who were renting, they simply flittered it away. I often found them to be a bit naive in terms of money and looking after their own affairs. Not a good look on someone who is supposed to be an adult.

I realise some families will have particular circumstances and not everyone can afford rent in their early 20's due to current rent levels, but the principal of an adult paying towards their own upkeep is really important for the individuals own development, and being too soft or simply wanting them to stay at home for company or whatever is actually doing the child a disservice.

Walter H Price · 13-01-2017 5:13pm

SarahMollie wrote: »

In my experience, those who stayed at home that bit too long were stuck in a delayed adolescence. They didnt save any more money than those of us who were renting, they simply flittered it away. I often found them to be a bit naive in terms of money and looking after their own affairs. Not a good look on someone who is supposed to be an adult..

Fully agree the amount of lads i know even the ones with decent jobs who stayed at home with the mammy who are now pushing 30 but still living the exact same life as we were at 18 (except the go to work 9-5 instead of school 9-4) is ridiculous. There is no doubt staying at home into your twenties and thirties definitely stunts people maturity wise. one or two of the lads drop me a text every now and again to see if them and their GF can come over to ours on a friday / saturday night for Chinese and to stay over and i know full well its because their ma's wont let them sleep with their GF's in their house and the girls are living with their folks too and same rules apply , we have a 3 bed place to ourselves. I don't mind it too much but at the same time some of thees lads are pushing 30 with good jobs like , going back to a mates to get off with a girl is what you do in college not as a 28/29 yr old.

Just seems alien to me I've been out of home pretty much since i was 20 i did a J1 came home turned 21 the day i arrived back and moved out 6 weeks later as soon as i got a deposit together and found someone to move in with, I move to Cork for a year with work and on to the Birmingham for another few moths for a different job, one of the lads turned down a great job he was approached for last year would have nearly doubled his salary because the commute was too far far from his Mam's (swords to sandyford) and he didnt want to move out like its not normal.

Paddy Cow · 13-01-2017 6:56pm

Op I think you know yourself that your kids aren't being fair. You have supported them through education and now that they are earning they should be contributing. It is laughable that any 24 yr old in full time work would think that they should still be able to live at home like a dependent child.

While it is commendable that you have given your children such financial support, I do have to ask if you also taught them about finances or if they are even aware that you have wiped out your savings looking after them? If you have always payed out, then that's what they come to expect. You might think that they would appreciate it but it sounds like they just take you for granted and you need to change this.

I am from a rural area and had to move at 18. My mother was not in a position financially to help me out but I'm doing ok for myself and so are most people I know. It's a myth that you have to live at home to set yourself up. I know plenty of people now who are married with mortgages who never had the the luxury of their parents paying for everything while they were in college, never mind in full time employment!

You gave your kids the best possible start in life - you paid for everything to the point of wiping out your savings so that they could have a good education. They should not only be happy to contribute financially but should be offering it. And this is where I think you are partially to blame. Most people on this thread who gave money to their parents have said that their parents had a talk with them and they knew what was expected so didn't resent it.

I don't know the dynamics of how your family works but as an outsider I would say that you need to put the foot down and be getting at least €100 a week from each working adult (they are not children!) who lives in your house, eats food, runs up all sorts of bills etc.

To put it in perspective I pay €100 per week just on rent. I wish I could pay that amount and not have to worry about any other expenses. Before any of the naysayers complain that I'm bitter, I'm not. I live in the real world and so does the OP. He's paying for working adults to live in his house when he's not financially secure and that's not right.

Atari Jaguar · 13-01-2017 8:38pm

Jaysus I have to wonder how some people think that a grown adult (let's stop calling them kids shall we?) shouldn't pay towards the bills and shopping while working and earning a living... I have to pay bills and rent and if I decided to move home I'd still have to pay.. you support a child till their 18 because it's your legal obligation, but if an adult is out working, has a child and is living at home they should be given free food, bills, rent and childcare? Cop on to yourselves. Being the OPs son or daughter doesn't mean they can be a freeloading sponge, no wonder they still live at home if they have it so easy.

Also why wouldn't the OP want them to get their own house? A 24 year old with a child they bloody deserve to have them out for some peace the OP clearly has raised 2 children why shouldn't they have their own space.

13-01-2017 9:32pm

SarahMollie wrote: »

In my experience, those who stayed at home that bit too long were stuck in a delayed adolescence. They didnt save any more money than those of us who were renting, they simply flittered it away. I often found them to be a bit naive in terms of money and looking after their own affairs. Not a good look on someone who is supposed to be an adult.

I'd have the opposite experience. The people I know who lived at home the longest (until about 30 in most cases) were the first to build/buy their own houses as they just went straight from home to their own house and never had to spend money on rent. Also the first to get married also which isn't really applicable but shows they are fairly mature with money buying a house and getting married at the same time (and I mean exactly the same time moving in the day before the wedding in one case and the after the honey moon in another)

Alf Veedersane · 15-01-2017 9:55am

When I first started earning, it was suggested I contribute to housekeeping. It was only really a token contribution of £20 or so. I never really questioned it or anything bit I continued to do it from then (I was about 15) until I left home.

To be honest, it taught me the value of money and of having to pay your way teaching me the value of money and I'm hindsight it has really stood to me.

As it turned out, my Mam had always put that money into an account for me to help when I wanted to buy a place.

I don't think people earning should have an issue with contributing to the costs they bring to the house.

kylith · 15-01-2017 12:17pm

Sod negotiating or 'chatting to' OP. It is your house, so they are your rules. I'd be inclined to say €50 pw, bills proportionally, they do their own cooking and laundry, and cleaning is on a rota - just like it would be if they were in a house share; and they'd still be paying less than if they were.

If they bitch about it tell them that they know where the door is.

gifted · 15-01-2017 12:20pm

I always handed up £100/ €130 a week...even when I was working away from home I always lodged the money into the folks bank account.....jesus the stuff they've sacrificed over the years for us is beyond cost.

Have three kids myself now and every cent goes towards the house and them...that comes from handing it over when I started working as a young fellow.

GingerLily · 15-01-2017 12:28pm

gifted wrote: »

I always handed up £100/ €130 a week...even when I was working away from home I always lodged the money into the folks bank account

Over 500e a month to your parents when you weren't even living at home? That's madness

gifted · 15-01-2017 12:30pm

GingerLily wrote: »

Over 500e a month to your parents when you weren't even living at home? That's madness

Why?....it made their lives easier...when I finished working away from home where did you think I went? Their house of course. They still had bills to pay.

Ursus Horribilis · 15-01-2017 8:10pm

Something tells me that this is a long-established pattern. That by being the best, most supportive parents you could be, you've raised a family of entitled brats. Your daughter who got herself pregnant while at college should be on her knees thanking you both for the support you gave her. If you look back over the past few years, can you see where you did too much for them? Perhaps sheltering them from the realities of real life?

I think you are going to have to take a harder line with them. Explain that you're financially broke from putting them through college (do they even know how much a third level education costs??) and now you're looking for a little something back. It's not as if you're looking for much at all. They should be hanging their heads in shame, not giving you abuse. They're acting like this because they know they can get away with it and that there are no repercussions. I think it's time for you and your wife to have a chat. Whatever it is you decide to do next, you've got to have a united front.

The_Honeybadger · 15-01-2017 8:34pm

Haven't read the whole thread. I'd say take a contribution from the two that are working. Whatever they can afford depending on their income. If they are in low paid jobs then somewhere between 50-100 euro.

Those saying that the college student needs to pay as well, I would disagree here. If he / she is in a full time course they could be forced to work extra hours to pay this money over and this may effect their course results. Pushing this on them is not worth it.

At one stage while myself and my now wife were stuck we moved in with her folks who wouldn't accept any payment from us as they are generous to a fault. I started doing the weekly shop and buying fuel etc to contribute. Would this be a way around it maybe? Hand them a shopping list or an ESB bill and tell them that's theirs. It might also teach them the cost of running a household.

Paddy Cow · 16-01-2017 8:53am

mickeyk wrote: »

Haven't read the whole thread. I'd say take a contribution from the two that are working. Whatever they can afford depending on their income. If they are in low paid jobs then somewhere between 50-100 euro.

Those saying that the college student needs to pay as well, I would disagree here. If he / she is in a full time course they could be forced to work extra hours to pay this money over and this may effect their course results. Pushing this on them is not worth it.

At one stage while myself and my now wife were stuck we moved in with her folks who wouldn't accept any payment from us as they are generous to a fault. I started doing the weekly shop and buying fuel etc to contribute. Would this be a way around it maybe? Hand them a shopping list or an ESB bill and tell them that's theirs. It might also teach them the cost of running a household.

The college student is reapating but the op didn't say how many classes. If it's only one or two then the student will have a lot of free time and there's no reason they couldn't work.

noel100 · 16-01-2017 10:48am

The college student repeating one class. She is working zero hour contract. As of last week she had no hours. This week she gets 18hours as somebody is on holiday. She has agreed to pay small contribution.
The other 2 are working but it's not so much the money it's more to do with respect. I have worked long hours doing shift work . Went back to a job working shift so I would have the extra income to help them through college. But now they earn income and live at home with no bills I would of liked to see them offer rather than me ask them.

Ursus Horribilis · 16-01-2017 11:16am

noel100 wrote: »

The other 2 are working but it's not so much the money it's more to do with respect. I have worked long hours doing shift work . Went back to a job working shift so I would have the extra income to help them through college. But now they earn income and live at home with no bills I would have liked to see them offer rather than me ask them.

Sometimes it doesn't occur to people that they should be paying their way. Or they are selfish leeches who don't want to pay anything if they can get away with it. I don't know your children from Adam so I couldn't possibly say which category they fall into. But from this point of view, you're going to have to take a harder line with them. You can wring your hands until the cows come home and wish they respected you and offered to pay their way without being asked. It's not going to solve your problem though. I could be wrong but I get the impression they see you as a soft touch and are taking you for a ride.

Call me Al · 16-01-2017 11:34am

I think you made your mistake by not dropping obvious hints when that were still in college that your children would be in a position to start making their own way in the world, or contributing to the house that they lived in, once they were working.
I say this as one who had to grow up quickly as I left home for 3rd level at 17. I'd have grabbed your hand off if I could have been paying my rent while enjoying all the comforts of home. But not to be.
You're going to have to be cruel to be kind here i think. And don't let them bully you. I think their reaction to you is terrible and you should point this out to them. Is your wife/partner on board with this? Are they getting sympathetic vibes from that corner meaning they feel justified in reacting as they are?

16-01-2017 11:54am

noel100 wrote: »

The college student repeating one class. She is working zero hour contract. As of last week she had no hours. This week she gets 18hours as somebody is on holiday. She has agreed to pay small contribution.
The other 2 are working but it's not so much the money it's more to do with respect. I have worked long hours doing shift work . Went back to a job working shift so I would have the extra income to help them through college. But now they earn income and live at home with no bills I would of liked to see them offer rather than me ask them.

I think you'd be very lucky for this to happen. From my experience, children are often oblivious to the hardships of their parents. Do you really blame them? Parents protect children from the world if they can. The house they grew up in has been taken for granted their entire lives. Why should things suddenly change now. They are probably completely unaware of your financial situation.

Ursus Horribilis · 16-01-2017 12:17pm

Deleted User wrote: »

I think you'd be very lucky for this to happen. From my experience, children are often oblivious to the hardships of their parents. Do you really blame them? Parents protect children from the world if they can. The house they grew up in has been taken for granted their entire lives. Why should things suddenly change now. They are probably completely unaware of your financial situation.

I'm ashamed to say it but when I was going to university, it genuinely never occurred to me that I was costing my parents so much money. Admittedly this was back in the 1990s when rents weren't as astronomical as they are now. But still....

All I could see at the time was my own little world. A limited little world that revolved around me and the university and my studies and my social life. I never gave any particular thought to where the money was coming from to pay the fees or the rent. Or indeed, what my parents were doing without back home so I could live the life of Riley. It was only when I left college and started working, that the reality of budgeting really hit. That was a kick up the arse shock.

currants · 17-01-2017 12:48am

noel100 wrote: »

The college student repeating one class. She is working zero hour contract. As of last week she had no hours. This week she gets 18hours as somebody is on holiday. She has agreed to pay small contribution.
The other 2 are working but it's not so much the money it's more to do with respect. I have worked long hours doing shift work . Went back to a job working shift so I would have the extra income to help them through college. But now they earn income and live at home with no bills I would of liked to see them offer rather than me ask them.

I think you should tell them that you are upset about this, that you feel you've worked very, very hard to be generous with them but you're not even getting a bit of consideration in return, never mind a few quid housekeeping. Tell them about going back to shifts so you could support them.
Situations like this usually arise because one spouse is "allowing" the adult kids to do this without feeling guilty. I feel angry on your behalf that they haven't noticed all you do for them.
I would be thoroughly ashamed if my Dad had to speak to me about being so ungrateful, get your wife on board and get her to speak to them as well. What does she have to say about it all? It seems as if you are just a wallet for your children, that's no way for any parent to feel

Your daughter is setting a bad example for her own child by leeching off you like this, no harm for this to be pointed out to her too.

Electric Sheep · 17-01-2017 5:31am

GingerLily wrote: »

Over 500e a month to your parents when you weren't even living at home? That's madness

Not really, it was quite common when I lived in Ireland in the 80s. There were younger siblings, etc, and our parents needed the money we sent home while working and paying rent in Dublin.

Asking grown children to pay for housekeeping

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