Asking grown children to pay for housekeeping

Walter H Price

Do think there has to be a bit of give and take about it though like , the main reason i moved out instead of contributing was that i wasn't being allowed any greater freedom in the house i wanted to get sky in for the upstairs sitting room where my PlayStation was because we only had 1 TV and i hated most of what my parents watched , i wanted to be allowed buy a new 50" TV for that room too because i like a big TV ( i was offering to pay the sky and for the TV myself), i wanted the food shop to iclude some stuff for me to cook for myself because i didnt like some of what my mam made (if i was paying twords it i thought that was fair), i wanted a new King Size Bed room was comfortably big enough and i agin i was open to paying for it and i wanted my Girlfriend to be allowed stay over regularly and for us to sleep in the same room , we'd been together for 2 years at that stage and i thought that was fair enough.

My folks so no to all of the above so i basically said i'm not paying and i'll be gone as soon as i find somewhere else and within 6 weeks i was. I think the fairest way to do it OP is basically to ask for them to contribute but give them a bit more freedom or that in return

Advbrd

Walter H Price wrote: »

Do think there has to be a bit of give and take about it though like , the main reason i moved out instead of contributing was that i wasn't being allowed any greater freedom in the house i wanted to get sky in for the upstairs sitting room where my PlayStation was because we only had 1 TV and i hated most of what my parents watched , i wanted to be allowed buy a new 50" TV for that room too because i like a big TV ( i was offering to pay the sky and for the TV myself), i wanted the food shop to iclude some stuff for me to cook for myself because i didnt like some of what my mam made (if i was paying twords it i thought that was fair), i wanted a new King Size Bed room was comfortably big enough and i agin i was open to paying for it and i wanted my Girlfriend to be allowed stay over regularly and for us to sleep in the same room , we'd been together for 2 years at that stage and i thought that was fair enough.

My folks so no to all of the above so i basically said i'm not paying and i'll be gone as soon as i find somewhere else and within 6 weeks i was. I think the fairest way to do it OP is basically to ask for them to contribute but give them a bit more freedom or that in return

Yeah, I would go along with all of the above. You are an adult after all.

silverharp

Assuming the parents aren't hard up for cash all anyone is trying to do here is to have your kids as independent and self supporting as possible. How you slice and dice it depends on individual situations, if they are on a study/career path but pays badly in the short term or they want to save to buy a rental I wouldn't charge rent. However if they are using free accommodation to slack off work or indulgent travel then it would be time to start charging.

Walter H Price

Advbrd wrote: »

Yeah, I would go along with all of the above. You are an adult after all.

100% my view is the best approach to this isn't to give young adults a dose of the guilt's or a lecture about teaching them responsibility. Just sit down with them find out what there happy not happy with in the house , like that having people over , whats been cooked all that jazz and make a compromise around that basically you give x a week / Month etc and this this and this will change , everyone wins.

But if its this is my house, my rules, now pony up you're just going to get peoples backs up to be honest.

GingerLily

Please don't ask your youngest for rent while in their final year college! Charge the rest the 50e pw, if they have issue then say you will sit down with them and go through their finances with them if they want to see what they can afford.
You can't really get fairer then that.

naughtysmurf

It's perfectly reasonable to demand that working adult children living at home contribute financially to the running costs of that home

It's not reasonable for them to expect somebody else to pick up the tab for light, heating, wi-fi, waste disposal, TV entertainment, food etc etc because they are ADULTS, welcome to the real world

Adult kids in college, who are not working part time or seasonal work, I'd be asking why not?
I may not take anything of a part time working student child living at home but they can pay for their own mini expenses, like a takeaway, cinema, beer, etc

Parents have in most cases picked up the tab all along the way, no problem, that's the right thing to do, feed, educate & clothed as best they can but there comes a point when that comes to an end, it's hardly reasonable to expect a couple in their mid fifties or sixties to pay for everything while their twenty & thirty something still living at home kids contribute nothing

Advbrd

Walter H Price wrote: »

100% my view is the best approach to this isn't to give young adults a dose of the guilt's or a lecture about teaching them responsibility. Just sit down with them find out what there happy not happy with in the house , like that having people over , whats been cooked all that jazz and make a compromise around that basically you give x a week / Month etc and this this and this will change , everyone wins.

But if its this is my house, my rules, now pony up you're just going to get peoples backs up to be honest.

Yeah, I was gone at eighteen. Too much of that crap. Throw in a megadose of religious nonsense and I was out the door.

Walter H Price

Advbrd wrote: »

Yeah, I was gone at eighteen. Too much of that crap. Throw in a megadose of religious nonsense and I was out the door.

I was just turned 21 , thankfully my folks were atheists thought so i didnt have to deal with any of the God Squad nonsense.

but honestly i think as soon as your asking for contribution there has to be give and take around rules and stuff , your effectively house sharing at that point. Imagine telling a roommate they couldn't buy a TV or a some other household thing , they couldn't have their GF or BF stay over , had to watch what you watched on TV only and Eat what you cooked only. I'd say they wouldn't be long moving out and you struggle to get someone else in.

The guilts or lectures and an attitude of its my house my rules will only cause friction and resistance to be honest.

dar100

Walter H Price wrote: »

Do think there has to be a bit of give and take about it though like , the main reason i moved out instead of contributing was that i wasn't being allowed any greater freedom in the house i wanted to get sky in for the upstairs sitting room where my PlayStation was because we only had 1 TV and i hated most of what my parents watched , i wanted to be allowed buy a new 50" TV for that room too because i like a big TV ( i was offering to pay the sky and for the TV myself), i wanted the food shop to iclude some stuff for me to cook for myself because i didnt like some of what my mam made (if i was paying twords it i thought that was fair), i wanted a new King Size Bed room was comfortably big enough and i agin i was open to paying for it and i wanted my Girlfriend to be allowed stay over regularly and for us to sleep in the same room , we'd been together for 2 years at that stage and i thought that was fair enough.

My folks so no to all of the above so i basically said i'm not paying and i'll be gone as soon as i find somewhere else and within 6 weeks i was. I think the fairest way to do it OP is basically to ask for them to contribute but give them a bit more freedom or that in return

I suspect they got exactly what the wanted here😀

Walter H Price

dar100 wrote: »

I suspect they got exactly what the wanted here😀

My folks were actually really surprised and a bit annoyed for a while that i choose to move out , my mum in particular, so i don't think they did, but i guess i'll never really know. They done the same with my sister last year she pays them now monthly and stayed at home.

My view was i had no issue at all paying so long as some of the silly rules and restrictions went too , if i was an adult and paying my own way in the house then i wanted to be treated that way too not like a kid.

Advbrd

Walter H Price wrote: »

I was just turned 21 , thankfully my folks were atheists thought so i didnt have to deal with any of the God Squad nonsense.

but honestly i think as soon as your asking for contribution there has to be give and take around rules and stuff , your effectively house sharing at that point. Imagine telling a roommate they couldn't buy a TV or a some other household thing , they couldn't have their GF or BF stay over , had to watch what you watched on TV only and Eat what you cooked only. I'd say they wouldn't be long moving out and you struggle to get someone else in.

The guilts or lectures and an attitude of its my house my rules will only cause friction and resistance to be honest.

There are actually some useful tips in this thread if you do want to get rid of your kids. Food for thought...

El_Duderino 09

Noel, have your children ever lived on their own for a decent period of time? Long enough to set up their own electric, gas, TV licence internet etc? If they had done those things for any length of time on their own house (rather than shared student House) then they'd be thrilled to pay 50 quid.

If you actualised them how much it costs to run the house they might change their tune. It smack of you having done too good a job of running the house and now they have no concept of how much you sacrifice to make everyone do well.

People don't think about these things until they absolutely have to. Show them the monthly bills and work out a per person rate for the house including all out goings. It would probably frighten the life out if them and they'll be ashamed of themselves if they have a bit of decency

dar100

Walter H Price wrote: »

My folks were actually really surprised and a bit annoyed for a while that i choose to move out , my mum in particular, so i don't think they did, but i guess i'll never really know. They done the same with my sister last year she pays them now monthly and stayed at home.

My view was i had no issue at all paying so long as some of the silly rules and restrictions went too , if i was an adult and paying my own way in the house then i wanted to be treated that way too not like a kid.

Oh I totally agree that you should have had a bit more freedom, and I find it extradinary that they refused the stuff you were offering to pay for!!

That's why I made the tounge in check statement about them getting what they want:)

Walter H Price

dar100 wrote: »

Oh I totally agree that you should have had a bit more freedom, and I find it extradinary that they refused the stuff you were offering to pay for!!

That's why I made the tounge in check statement about them getting what they want:)

I think to be honest some parents can just get very dug into the whole my house my rules thing and that works fine up to a point , kids will follow rules for the most part but adults not so much particularly if they are earning and you start asking for a contribution and restricting who and what they can bring into the house , as well. I've seen it with 1 or two of my friends parent as well as my own and tbh it never ends well.

I get on great with my folks for the most part but i could honestly say hand on heart i couldn't and wont ever live with them again. The only way ive seen this whole contribution thing go without a hitch is where parents give over a bit of control and freedom in exchange like. 100% the approach i will take with my kids.

witchgirl26

Walter H Price wrote: »

Do think there has to be a bit of give and take about it though like , the main reason i moved out instead of contributing was that i wasn't being allowed any greater freedom in the house i wanted to get sky in for the upstairs sitting room where my PlayStation was because we only had 1 TV and i hated most of what my parents watched , i wanted to be allowed buy a new 50" TV for that room too because i like a big TV ( i was offering to pay the sky and for the TV myself), i wanted the food shop to iclude some stuff for me to cook for myself because i didnt like some of what my mam made (if i was paying twords it i thought that was fair), i wanted a new King Size Bed room was comfortably big enough and i agin i was open to paying for it and i wanted my Girlfriend to be allowed stay over regularly and for us to sleep in the same room , we'd been together for 2 years at that stage and i thought that was fair enough.

My folks so no to all of the above so i basically said i'm not paying and i'll be gone as soon as i find somewhere else and within 6 weeks i was. I think the fairest way to do it OP is basically to ask for them to contribute but give them a bit more freedom or that in return

Yeah can see how you were gone at that point. I was lucky in that once I was paying in, my parents were happy to let my room be my space completely. The only thing they wouldn't do (when I was 16) was bring the tv cable up to the room I was in at that point coz it would have been a nightmare to do. Simply solved by moving to another room when a sibling moved out!

I was allowed to decorate how I wanted & neither of them would just walk into my room at any point without permission from me. I wasn't allowed bf's stay over as they did have one rule of the relationship being longer than 6 months old, which none of mine during that time were so fair enough.

Even after paying in etc it was still a shock to the system funding living in an apartment by myself!

My friend currently is back with his parents due to circumstances and they way they've worked it is that parents pay the mortgage & he pays the bills. There's different ways other than money if you don't want to go down that route but there should be some contribution. I'd also question grown adult "children" who don't offer to contribute in some way to the house they live in!

Mrs OBumble

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

If a 24 year old gave me abuse in my own home, they'd be packing their stuff and moving out quick-sharp!

100 per week for anyone who's working or on the dole.
50 per week for anyone still at college.

And before nox gets here - the only exception is if they kids are putting in hours working in a family business (farm or otherwise). In this case, things are different because they are making an economic contribution. But most families aren't in this situation.


OP - one way to scare them into leaving: start talking about how whoever's left at home will end up looking after your in your old age.

Hang on... you expect money off someone in college working part-time?

Advbrd

witchgirl26 wrote: »

Yeah can see how you were gone at that point. I was lucky in that once I was paying in, my parents were happy to let my room be my space completely. The only thing they wouldn't do (when I was 16) was bring the tv cable up to the room I was in at that point coz it would have been a nightmare to do. Simply solved by moving to another room when a sibling moved out!

I was allowed to decorate how I wanted & neither of them would just walk into my room at any point without permission from me. I wasn't allowed bf's stay over as they did have one rule of the relationship being longer than 6 months old, which none of mine during that time were so fair enough.

Even after paying in etc it was still a shock to the system funding living in an apartment by myself!

My friend currently is back with his parents due to circumstances and they way they've worked it is that parents pay the mortgage & he pays the bills. There's different ways other than money if you don't want to go down that route but there should be some contribution. I'd also question grown adult "children" who don't offer to contribute in some way to the house they live in!

I must remember that six month rule.
I'm off now to begin negotiations with my son re the spoils from his upcoming holy communion.

Big Bag of Chips

El_Duderino 09 wrote: »

If you actualised them how much it costs to run the house they might change their tune.

Maybe not. Adults working full time and complaining about handing up €50 a week tend to be of the belief that others (specifically parents) should pay their way for them. I think some people forget that parents have a duty and obligation to feed, clothe and shelter their children. But once those children become adults the responsibility shifts. If people believe they shouldn't take money off their children to live at home, regardless of their age, when does that stop? Fair enough, somebody just out of college, starting out, getting themselves together. Maybe.

What about an adult 'child' who is in their 30s or 40s? No intention of moving out? Why would they when they have 100% of their take home pay as disposable income?

This is less about parents fleecing their offspring (they're not children!!) And more about adults fleecing those who have provided for them their while life. Expecting their living expenses to be paid for them. The entitlement was always there and it can carry on long past childhood.

If an adult lives away from home and pays their share of heating, electricity, food, cleaning etc why would they think living with mammy and daddy means that mammy and daddy pay for all of that? In your case, OP, you have an adult with a child of her own, who still expects her parents to provide her, and her child, with everything. If mammy and daddy continue to pay for that and think it abhorrent that any parent would ask any 'child' to contribute, then I hope you have excellent pension plans because some 'children' aren't staying at home so they can save to move out. They're staying at home because it means they're loaded!!

infogiver

Walter H Price wrote: »

Do think there has to be a bit of give and take about it though like , the main reason i moved out instead of contributing was that i wasn't being allowed any greater freedom in the house i wanted to get sky in for the upstairs sitting room where my PlayStation was because we only had 1 TV and i hated most of what my parents watched , i wanted to be allowed buy a new 50" TV for that room too because i like a big TV ( i was offering to pay the sky and for the TV myself), i wanted the food shop to iclude some stuff for me to cook for myself because i didnt like some of what my mam made (if i was paying twords it i thought that was fair), i wanted a new King Size Bed room was comfortably big enough and i agin i was open to paying for it and i wanted my Girlfriend to be allowed stay over regularly and for us to sleep in the same room , we'd been together for 2 years at that stage and i thought that was fair enough.

My folks so no to all of the above so i basically said i'm not paying and i'll be gone as soon as i find somewhere else and within 6 weeks i was. I think the fairest way to do it OP is basically to ask for them to contribute but give them a bit more freedom or that in return

Their house, their rules. Every single time.
If you ever have a kidult living with you, you too can set the standard for your house.

silverharp

infogiver wrote: »

Their house, their rules. Every single time.
If you ever have a kidult living with you, you too can set the standard for your house.

looking at kids now I wouldn't be surprised if they are more conservative than their parents. Parents will be coming on here complaining that their kids keep judging them for drinking too much and making a show of themselves :pac:

dudara

Posters - a reminder that this thread is not for back and forth discussion. Please focus on giving advice to the OP. Be concious that there is already a lot of advice in this thread, so think before you post.

dudara

noel100

El_Duderino 09 wrote: »

Noel, have your children ever lived on their own for a decent period of time? Long enough to set up their own electric, gas, TV licence internet etc? If they had done those things for any length of time on their own house (rather than shared student House) then they'd be thrilled to pay 50 quid.

If you actualised them how much it costs to run the house they might change their tune. It smack of you having done too good a job of running the house and now they have no concept of how much you sacrifice to make everyone do well.

People don't think about these things until they absolutely have to. Show them the monthly bills and work out a per person rate for the house including all out goings. It would probably frighten the life out if them and they'll be ashamed of themselves if they have a bit of decency

Yes I actualised the bills and will print an excel of.the monthly average.
The eldest girl lived away for 4 years and year 3 at college got pregnant. We minded the baby for year 4 so she finished college. She wasn't working paid her accommodation and college and living expenses for 4 years. She did get SW payment year 4 but I was accessed for her on year3 for college. Had 2 girls at college together second girl went to maynooth also paid for her. She hasn't finished yet as she has to repeat year 4. And the youngest girl went to DCU from Sept to dec hated the course dropped out but just that stint cost me 7.5k and she was working part time and paid for living expenses at college. She has left and taken a full-time job. 2 working middle girl zero hr contract and repeating year4 . Hope middle girl gets more hrs and pays her way a little more.

I have exhausted all savings and borrowed no mone y for their college. Cost me more than I ever thought it would because 2 eldest girls didn't work one day through college.

bee06

noel100 wrote: »

Yes I actualised the bills and will print an excel of.the monthly average.
The eldest girl lived away for 4 years and year 3 at college got pregnant. We minded the baby for year 4 so she finished college. She wasn't working paid her accommodation and college and living expenses for 4 years. She did get SW payment year 4 but I was accessed for her on year3 for college. Had 2 girls at college together second girl went to maynooth also paid for her. She hasn't finished yet as she has to repeat year 4. And the youngest girl went to DCU from Sept to dec hated the course dropped out but just that stint cost me 7.5k and she was working part time and paid for living expenses at college. She has left and taken a full-time job. 2 working middle girl zero hr contract and repeating year4 . Hope middle girl gets more hrs and pays her way a little more.

I have exhausted all savings and borrowed no mone y for their college. Cost me more than I ever thought it would because 2 eldest girls didn't work one day through college.

I think you need to sit them down and give them the reality of the situation you are now in. That because of the money you have spent to get them through college you are now in a financially unstable position. You helped them and now they need to step up and help you.

Parchment

€50 is a bargain - i would think €100 is far more reasonable.

My parents would have kicked me out of i refused to pay a contribution to the house when living at home and working full time - they never had to ask, i just did it.

They need to cop on - they will get a big shock when they go into the real world.

purpleisafruit

Worked part time from the age of 15, paid up at home all that time. My parents put the money I paid up into savings for me which paid for college registration fees and books etc when I got there. It made me appreaciate that not everything I earned was 'fun money'.

El_Duderino 09

Big Bag of Chips wrote:

Maybe not. Adults working full time and complaining about handing up €50 a week tend to be of the belief that others (specifically parents) should pay their way for them.

noel100 wrote:

Yes I actualised the bills and will print an excel of.the monthly average. ...

Fair enough. Jaysus I'd really have thought that understanding how much it costs to run a house would make them appreciate the work you're doing for them.

What's left? Get tough?

Rubberchikken

tbh it depends on what they're earning and more importantly what they are saving. if they're putting money away for a mortgage in the future then i'd be willing to accommodate them a bit. but if not, then changes would have to be made.
verbal abuse when you bring up the subject is very immature from an adult who should realise the effort and cost you put into their upbringing. yes, no one asks to be born, but adulthood and responsibility go together and the sooner adults of any mage realise that the better.

hope you get things sorted.

GingerLily

Rubberchikken wrote: »

tbh it depends on what they're earning and more importantly what they are saving. if they're putting money away for a mortgage in the future then i'd be willing to accommodate them a bit. but if not, then changes would have to be made.

Why should the kids get to pile their money into their savings instead of paying rent to a landlord or their parent? The OP is not well off, the OP shouldn't continue to struggle financially to allow them to save for mortgage

uch

Noel100 I'd start by telling them you are cancelling Broadband and Telly service as you can't afford it but suggest that they can pay for it if they want to keep it. My adult kids couldn't survive without Broadband, so they pay

Atari Jaguar

To be honest OP I'd inform them that they pay or leave. I'd also stop buying them food and clothes etc don't do their washing or anything. When you go grocery shopping buy just for you and your wife, only wash your clothes etc. When they come looking for their dinner tell them they didn't buy anything for it what did they expect? Let them know what's changing. They can either decide to contribute or get out and buy their own food and what not. A 24 year old with a child has no business sponging off mammy and daddy it's a disgrace! The student I'd leave alone tbh even if they do get any money it wouldn't be much, if you think they're wasting money on drink and fags then it's a different situation.