Wife v stepdaughter

trixychic · 03-10-2016 12:10AM

bambay wrote: »

There is no need to trade insults here. All I need is opinions from responsible adults and you obviously, are not eligible to contribute.
You can keep your unsolicited advice to yourself.
Thank u.

Have you reached a decision?? Please let us know how things go.

Musketeer4 · 03-10-2016 10:23AM

Might the wife be bluffing? Should OP call it?

I wonder when faced with the imminent loss of her husband and fracturing of the family would she relent?

Queen-Mise · 03-10-2016 12:38PM

Musketeer4 wrote:

I wonder when faced with the imminent loss of her husband and fracturing of the family would she relent?

Might the wife be bluffing? Should OP call it?

This is my thought. She mightn't necessarily be bluffing, or deliberately doing it anyway.

I think the reality of a marriage break up and informing family and friends of the reason for the marriage break up might be a wake up call.

And I think the OP has some tough decisions to make. Would you want to be married to someone who could see your 12 year old daughter being deliberately put into care? Depriving her of a blood family home and her sisters?

Best of luck OP - do right by the daughter who needs you, the rest will fall into place.

Musketeer4 · 03-10-2016 03:08PM

Yeah. I sense that the die is cast between the wife and OP. Even if she relents, it will be through gritted teeth. How can a relationship continue happy when one party is seething with bitterness and resentment and the other feels like they've imposed the situation on the other by attrition and subjugation. A marriage that arrives at that point is shagged beyond repair in my opinion.

Anyhow the needs of one's child come before the needs/wants of one's spouse. The daughter has a right to live with her parent. The OP has a right to have his child. Now, as I explained in previous posts, I can understand the reasons why the wife is being like this but morally, however, she hasn't a leg to stand on.

Op should take in the daughter. Wife should be informed that daughter will be moving in with him and while he's willing to discuss and come to a mutually agreeable arrangement on the details of the living arrangements, her arrival in his home is non-negotiable. Wifey can either shape up or ship out.

Whatever happens, I think the marriage has already suffered some irreversible damage at best.

LegacyUser · 03-10-2016 04:12PM

Musketeer4 wrote: »

Might the wife be bluffing? Should OP call it?

I wonder when faced with the imminent loss of her husband and fracturing of the family would she relent?

I think she could be bluffing. If she lets this break up her marriage, can you imagine her telling people it was because she would rather put her stepdaughter into care than allow her to live with her family...

Water John · 03-10-2016 06:51PM

A lot of marriages work through many problems including, infidelity, addictions, etc.
Why be so harsh on OP and his wife.
Hope they work through it.

Speedwell · 03-10-2016 07:20PM

Water John wrote: »

A lot of marriages work through many problems including, infidelity, addictions, etc.
Why be so harsh on OP and his wife.
Hope they work through it.

Yeah, folks.... if we're going to bother to care enough about the OP and his daughter to make up the end of the story for them, it's just as easy to make up a good one.

primacalibre · 10-10-2016 11:43AM

I've been following this thread with interest.... just wondering if we can get an update from OP on how it worked out?

What decision was made in the end?

Hope it all worked out and their was at least some agreement reached for all parties.

bambay · 13-10-2016 10:10AM

Hi Everyone,
I wish to express my deep gratitude to you for following and contributing to this thread and also to abreast you with the present development with regard to my unenviable situation.
My wife is still very adamant in her decision not to accept my daughter in to the family unit in Ireland and as a result, I have secured a place (about 45mins drive away from her) where my daughter can live with me as the needs of children should take precedence over that of any spouse, including myself.
Unfortunately, the assigned Social Worker said it would be in the best interest of all family members to live as a single unit and as a consequence, would not allow me to execute my plans immediately until after their intervention. My wife, according to the Social Worker, will be contacted by their counterparts in Ireland for a chat/interview in due course and that if their effort to persuade her to be receptive towards her step daughter proves abortive, then they would release her to live with me, away from her.
In the meanwhile, she is under the care of a Foster carer on a rather temporary basis. I did pay her a couple of visits and she insists she would love us to leave as a family unit if only my wife could assure her on phone that she is welcomed. I have also booked a flight to see her next week as a way of reassuring her that I am always there for her, regardless.
The Social Worker commended my effort so far and told me she can not be placed on long term Foster care because she has a parent who wants her and whom she wants and that my wife does not have the right to deprive us of that wish.
She went on to say the only condition under which she could be placed on Long term care where she would be open for adoption is if I said I did not want her, in which case I would have had to disown her so she could be owned by the System who in turn could hand her over to adoptive parents.
To me, as I have made the System realize, that is not an option. I made it clear to the Social Worker that I am ready to come and get her even at a day's notice.
At this juncture, I would like to reiterate my gratitude to all of you for your interest and concern and I promise to update you as events unfold.

RedXIV · 13-10-2016 10:12AM

Not an easy decision but one you'll be proud of for the rest of your days! Well done OP, you've done the right thing and you should be very proud of yourself!

Musketeer4 · 13-10-2016 10:16AM

Fair play to you man. You're daughter is very lucky to have you. I hope things go well and you and your daughter can live together in peace.

With all due respect dude, fúck your crazy ass wife! Why would you even want to be around someone like that with such little compassion and understanding?
It would do your daughter no favours either to have to live with someone who has to be dragged kicking and screaming into the living arrangments.

I'm just wondering what supports will be available to you? I'm not really sure how it works but you should get on to the social welfare and see do you qualify for single parent's allowance, family income supplement, children's allowance etc etc.

Tefral · 13-10-2016 10:19AM

OP i have been silently following this.

I am not a parent myself and although this must be the hardest thing in the world for you right now, you are definitely doing the right thing. Everyday you will be able to get up and look yourself in the mirror and know you are a good person.

The actions of your wife are mind boggling but everyone's problems are relative. To her this is obviously a massive deal.

You know that overused saying that's going around now "Not all heros wear capes" well 99% of the time its applied in the wrong manner but you sir are that 1%.

Take care of yourself.

Musketeer4 · 13-10-2016 10:28AM

So OP, has your wife accepted that you're going to be moving away and as such your marriage is effectively over?
How was your marriage up until this issue arose? Were things all good or were things shaky in any way?

What I'm getting at is would there be any chance that she's using this deal breaker as a convenient tool with which to break up the marriage because she knows you'll move out if she sticks to her guns?
What do you think?

snor · 13-10-2016 10:30AM

Well done to you in being a great father.
I think your wife has done irreparable damage to her relationship with her own children. I do appreciate it is difficult for her. Her children will not look too kindly on this in the future - how she broke up the family unit by not allowing their fathers eldest daughter to live with them. She needs to think long and hard about this.

Ghekko · 13-10-2016 12:56PM

To be honest if your wife is so against a family unit she should be the one moving out and leaving you to continue to raise your children. I don't think many will support her decision to end her marriage in such a flippant manner. Best of luck going forward bambay.

trixychic · 13-10-2016 01:14PM

Thank God your doing your duty. Well done OP. I hope you and your daughters finally get into a situation that is best for you all.

Keep going. And best of luck.

jimmycrackcorm · 13-10-2016 01:19PM

snor wrote:

Well done to you in being a great father. I think your wife has done irreparable damage to her relationship with her own children. I do appreciate it is difficult for her. Her children will not look too kindly on this in the future - how she broke up the family unit by not allowing their fathers eldest daughter to live with them. She needs to think long and hard about this.

I also think that once the wife begins to appreciate the implications of the op living separately, both for their children and financial, then the contrast with her objections will be very stark to her.

primacalibre · 13-10-2016 02:01PM

bambay wrote: »

Hi Everyone,
I wish to express my deep gratitude to you for following and contributing to this thread and also to abreast you with the present development with regard to my unenviable situation.
My wife is still very adamant in her decision not to accept my daughter in to the family unit in Ireland and as a result, I have secured a place (about 45mins drive away from her) where my daughter can live with me as the needs of children should take precedence over that of any spouse, including myself.
Unfortunately, the assigned Social Worker said it would be in the best interest of all family members to live as a single unit and as a consequence, would not allow me to execute my plans immediately until after their intervention. My wife, according to the Social Worker, will be contacted by their counterparts in Ireland for a chat/interview in due course and that if their effort to persuade her to be receptive towards her step daughter proves abortive, then they would release her to live with me, away from her.
In the meanwhile, she is under the care of a Foster carer on a rather temporary basis. I did pay her a couple of visits and she insists she would love us to leave as a family unit if only my wife could assure her on phone that she is welcomed. I have also booked a flight to see her next week as a way of reassuring her that I am always there for her, regardless.
The Social Worker commended my effort so far and told me she can not be placed on long term Foster care because she has a parent who wants her and whom she wants and that my wife does not have the right to deprive us of that wish.
She went on to say the only condition under which she could be placed on Long term care where she would be open for adoption is if I said I did not want her, in which case I would have had to disown her so she could be owned by the System who in turn could hand her over to adoptive parents.
To me, as I have made the System realize, that is not an option. I made it clear to the Social Worker that I am ready to come and get her even at a day's notice.
At this juncture, I would like to reiterate my gratitude to all of you for your interest and concern and I promise to update you as events unfold.

All I can say is that first of all, fair play to you for taking the obvious very brave step of being willing to move out from the family home in order to be there for your daughter!!

The fact that YOU are the one having to move out is only another condemnation of how Irish society and "the system" as a whole treat fathers in this day and age, but alas that is a topic of discussion for another day....

I just hope and pray that your wife can see some sense (especially with the social workers being willing to speak to her) before it's too late and that she sees that she is not only causing you and your eldest child great emotional stress and damage, but also the detrimental impact that all of this break-up is/will have on your other two daughters!!

Tbh, knowing that you have stood by your daughter gives me relief that she will be okay from all of this, but I now just can't shake the feeling of how your two youngest are actually coping and what unknown toll it is placing on them. I believe that you already know this from your posts here, but it is important to stress that they not be neglected in this situation and that you be there for them just as much as you are for your eldest daughter. And I really hope that somewhere along the line, your wife stumbles across this thread so she can realise the full implications that her selfish decision will cause to you, your three daughters and, eventually, her as well....

As you say in your post, it is the most unenviable position to be in, and I hope that I will never have to face a similar decision in my life but if anything, from reading all the replies here and seeing the vast/full consensus that it is fully your wife who is in the wrong; it does give me at least some hope that there are many people out there that share the view that in certain situations, it is not always "the mother" who is right and that fathers too can make the difficult decisions necessary to benefit their children in the fairest way possible - even if that decision is truly heart-breaking....

ForestFire · 13-10-2016 02:11PM

Hello OP,

Was also following this and I agree that you are doing the right think for your Daughter in a difficult situation and well done for that.

I know this is probably far from you mind at the moment, and I do not have the answer, but does anyone know the implications of this separation (If long term and permanent) with regard to the Marriage, Maintenance, visitation rights etc?

Will the OP be looked on favorably due to the fact that he wanted the whole family to remain together and it was the wife causing the separation (Even if he has moved out) and he was needed by his other daughter.

Obviously the beast hope is that they work out their differences, But should the OP be doing anything now in preparation?

And I am not suggesting that he will not have to Pay maintenance for his other children, but just that he not not taken for a ride by the system

Musketeer4 · 13-10-2016 02:35PM

Ghekko wrote: »

To be honest if your wife is so against a family unit she should be the one moving out and leaving you to continue to raise your children. I don't think many will support her decision to end her marriage in such a flippant manner. Best of luck going forward bambay.

Good point. Actually OP notwithstanding the fact that you are doing the right thing to go and support your daughter, on reflection I think it may perhaps have been an unwise decision to move out. SHE is the one throwing a spanner in the works not you so it is a valid argument that she should be the one out on her ear.

Personally I think you should try to eject her from the home since she is the one with the problem. The fact that you've already gone about getting a place for yourself may have hurt your chances of achieving this though.

Perhaps you should arrange a meeting with your solicitor and the social worker and say that you've rethought the arrangements and see what avenues are open to you for getting rid of your wife from the family home if she refuses to accept your daughter.

Your argument could be that your goal is to keep your family together as much as possible. First preference is all of you in family home (not gonna happen), second preference is to keep all siblings and one parent together (you and 3 kids in family home and wife moves out). You moving out and splitting family into 1 parent +2 kids and 1 parent +1 child would be the last resort.

December2012 · 13-10-2016 08:57PM

Keep the faith OP. I'm sure it will work out. Did you or, would you, and your wife go to some marriage counselling?

Water John · 13-10-2016 09:21PM

Wish people would stop making assumptions about the OP's marriage. They may have a diff about his eldest daughter but may wish remain married.

OP you have been very strong and good. Stick with it and hope it works out reasonably well for everyone concerned.

Sleepy · 13-10-2016 10:01PM

Water John wrote: »

Wish people would stop making assumptions about the OP's marriage. They may have a diff about his eldest daughter but may wish remain married.

I'd say it's less an assumption about the OP's marriage than a judgement on his wife. The only thing we know about her is something most would consider grounds for divorce.

OP, go see a solicitor, it may be a long process but any reasonable court would give you the family home and custody of all 3 of your daughters.

I know it's a stretch to hope for an Irish family court to treat a man reasonably but we do keep hearing that things are getting more equitable and the pioneers in any such scenario are ordinary people - a friend of mine was recently the first in the history of the country in his legal situation to obtain guardianship of his step-child and he'd have no unusual resources or connections

Water John · 13-10-2016 11:40PM

Opinions and helpful suggestions/options differ from bias.

OP do what you think is best.

Gerry T · 14-10-2016 12:18AM

Op well done, I'm not sure I would have the strength you have shown to stand up for your daughter.
If you love your wife all is not lost, with time she will see what a great dad your being and will hopefully see your daughter is not a monster. I wouldn't close any doors, play it out and see what happens, but again well done for putting the needs of your daughter ahead of your own.

primacalibre · 09-02-2017 04:55PM

Sorry for going back to an older thread but I was just wondering if there was ever a solution to the OP's situation?

I followed this thread with interest and it would be nice to know if things ever got resolved....

Any response from OP is appreciated

Water John · 09-02-2017 09:56PM

Yes, it would be nice to know. However, I think the OP got a lot of reassurance from the comments and support on this thread. Even if we don't hear further.

Wife v stepdaughter

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