Wife v stepdaughter

ted1

Your daughter is in trouble and needs her Dad, that's you, time to step up to the plate. Either she moves in with you and your other daughters or your wife needs to find a place close by to live

Speedwell

The other two kids need parenting time too, and a good role model of how to behave toward family members in need. They can't be having an easy time of it, either.

Eircom_Sucks

Speedwell wrote: »

According to you it's great if she stays with a mother who hates her, but not so great if she stays with a stepmother who hates her and a father who doesn't. I wouldn't spare a drop of pee on the lot of you adults if you were on fire. I actually hope you lose your parental rights and your daughter finds a loving home with another family without the obstacle of having to answer to any of you ice-cold, irresponsible wasters. Of course, being a teenager, that is not super practical to expect, as I'm sure you're aware. Maybe she can sue for abandonment.

100 % agree

im not married but have 2 kids with my ex , if i were to marry anf have more kids and my first 2 were in difficulty , they would not even have to ask , as im very active in their life and see them 6 days a week and know whats going on with their lives , you sound like you have no idea how she and her mother have got to this point ? have you even shown any interest in her life ?

regards you're wife now , she needs to cop on seriously , bet she wears the trousers too , be honest in what you want , if you dont want ur child then let her be fostered or adopted , if you do want her , show her and stand up to that bully of a wife

Dyr

Do I detect the pernicious influence of religious beliefs in the wifes stance?

uck51js9zml2yt

I can't imagine anything worse for one of my kids than to know they have been rejected,unwanted and unloved.
If you're prepared to put your daughter through that , let you wife have her way.

silverharp

it looks like the best approach is to try bring your wife around, she married you knowing you had a daughter and there was always the risk something like this might happen , how much of a flight risk is she? do you think she would trigger a divorce or would she learn to live with it? on the flip side can it work ? if your wife agrees through gritted teeth your daughter will have a stressful upbringing anyway?

draiochtanois

This post has been deleted.

December2012

You need to understand what exactly is your wife's problem? What are her worries and concerns?

Are you a good parent? Are you around?

Is she a stay at home parent who will now have to raise a child she doesn't know how to raise?

i know u know

Your daughter needs you, and your wife is very wrong to think that you can just discard your daughter, you should put your daughters needs first and by the sound of things she really does need a parent in her life

trixychic

Can I just say that I am a step daughter.

My father chose to have nothing to do with me from birth and my dad adopted me.

Despite that we still kept in touch. I saw him once a month as a child but I moved out of Dublin and it became more like once or twice a yr in my teens.

I always wished for a life with him, his wife and my 2 half siblings. I have gotten over alot of the heart ache he put me through but there is still some days when all I want is his approval.

Your daughter sounds like she has been through hell. Please please please don't let her down like my father did. Don't break her heart. Help her.

Dravokivich

bambay wrote: »

my wife vowed never to let that happen.

I'm finding this to be very hard to get over.

Overall, your question isn't one of legality, but of morals. You seem to be choosing your child. It's something that I've done and would again if needed without hesitation.

RedXIV

Probably worth pointing out that your 2 kids with your wife are probably going to be aware of some of this happening and it's got to be a bit scary hearing that their parents are talking about potentially abandoning one of their children. It's a much better lesson for them to know that family is a tight bond and show them that even if things aren't great, you'll always stand by your kids.

loyatemu

Penny Tration wrote: »

Your wife is horrible. Seriously, did you not notice any of this nastiness before you married her?

this is unnecessary - the wife's concern is the welfare of her own kids. Presumably she has serious misgivings/fears about having the other daughter living under the same roof as them or she wouldn't be willing to break up her family to avoid it. The other daughter clearly has personal problems but we haven't been given the information to assess them - the wife does have this information and doesn't want her sharing a home with her own kids as a result. I don't know what the solution is but demonising the wife is not it.

Speedwell

loyatemu wrote: »

this is unnecessary - the wife's concern is the welfare of her own kids. Presumably she has serious misgivings/fears about having the other daughter living under the same roof as them or she wouldn't be willing to break up her family to avoid it. The other daughter clearly has personal problems but we haven't been given the information to assess them - the wife does have this information and doesn't want her sharing a home with her own kids as a result. I don't know what the solution is but demonising the wife is not it.

It's not that difficult to "demonise" a woman who has two children but who refuses to give a home to her husband's child because the child was born to another woman before they were married. Not much of a stretch there.

silverharp

Speedwell wrote: »

It's not that difficult to "demonise" a woman who has two children but who refuses to give a home to her husband's child because the child was born to another woman before they were married. Not much of a stretch there.

its not that clear cut though, if social services are involved the kid might be all kinds of toxic as a result of bad parenting by the mother and it might take a toll on the other 2 kids if that kid was introduced into the house. its a sh1tty situation

sillysmiles

silverharp wrote: »

its not that clear cut though, if social services are involved the kid might be all kinds of toxic as a result of bad parenting by the mother and it might take a toll on the other 2 kids if that kid was introduced into the house. its a sh1tty situation

The kid isn't toxic. If she is troubled it is because her father abandonned her in a bad relationship with her mother, and failed to intervene before social services got involved.

Of all the people in the worng here, it is not an abandonned 12 year old.

Dravokivich

silverharp wrote: »

its not that clear cut though, if social services are involved the kid might be all kinds of toxic as a result of bad parenting by the mother and it might take a toll on the other 2 kids if that kid was introduced into the house. its a sh1tty situation

To be honest, that sounds like a bit of a stretch based on there only being 2 things that we know:

1) The wife did not seem to like the child after meeting her a limited number of times
2) The mother seems to be deemed unsuitable to raise the child.

To me it seems quite unfair that the child could be potentially cast aside for no fault of their own. And frankly it's disgusting to think that the wife is preferable towards that.

draiochtanois

This post has been deleted.

Speedwell

silverharp wrote: »

its not that clear cut though, if social services are involved the kid might be all kinds of toxic as a result of bad parenting by the mother and it might take a toll on the other 2 kids if that kid was introduced into the house. its a sh1tty situation

Yes, it is. But it might not be that simple. I remember that after my parents divorced when I was 20, my mother took up with a guy who had five kids. The oldest, Adi, had just turned 14. Because of various family issues such as a special needs child and the father's alcoholism and erratic work habits, Adi's legitimate adolescent needs were constantly lowered in priority and pushed aside. This is something that frequently happens to "good kids" in chaotic, dysfunctional situations. When I was 22, my mother and her partner had 15-year-old Adi institutionalised in the mental ward of the local hospital for two weeks because they said he was "disruptive" and they wanted to "teach him to respect his family".

I got Adi to myself one afternoon a few weeks later and asked him to tell me what happened. He showed me clothes in rags, a school backpack with a broken strap, his bed in a room shared with two of the other kids. He'd gone to the school counselor for advice and she told him he needed to tell my mother and his father how he felt. He had asked them for a private space to keep his things and do his schoolwork, and accused (legitimately) my mother and his father of neglecting him. The so-called adults got defensive and accused him of selfishness and disrespect. The next day they pulled him out of school and drove him to the hospital.

I knew Adi was a good kid who made good grades and stayed out of trouble. I was making the pathetic US minimum wage, but I thought that if necessary I could get some public assistance, just to give Adi a stable and decent place to live, sneakers without holes, a place at the dinner table to spread his books, and the correct amount of food for a teenage boy. A friend's lawyer father told me I could get in trouble for allowing Adi to live with me if his parents objected, even though I was his stepsister.

Anyway, it all became moot the day Adi took money out of my mother's purse to pay for something he needed for school (I couldn't get a straight story; my mother said it was for a class outing she thought was "worldly and indulgent", and his father said it was for school lunches that "he didn't need because we feed him enough at home"). They used it as a pretext to have him institutionalised for "oppositional defiant disorder". The next time I saw him, I was visiting the hospital with my mother. He was a zombie from having been overmedicated to keep him quiet. I had to leave when he started to cry because I was afraid I would, too. I raised hell with my mother later for throwing Adi away, and she said, "you don't understand, sweetie, it's much easier to manage with him gone". I never saw him again, and I didn't spend a lot of time around my mother, either.

So no, I don't have a whole lot of sympathy for people who throw away kids to make life easier for themselves and their hangups. But I suppose I'm biased. Bitter even.

silverharp

sillysmiles wrote: »

The kid isn't toxic. If she is troubled it is because her father abandonned her in a bad relationship with her mother, and failed to intervene before social services got involved.

Of all the people in the worng here, it is not an abandonned 12 year old.

I know the kid isn't to blame but the worst case scenario here is his wife divorces him, he ends up in a bedsit with the daughter and then social services here take the daughter off him. I just see that the father here doesn't have all the power here to bend the situation his way. Its a pity the OP isn't the wife.

Dravokivich

silverharp wrote: »

I know the kid isn't to blame but the worst case scenario here is his wife divorces him, he ends up in a bedsit with the daughter and then social services here take the daughter off him. I just see that the father here doesn't have all the power here to bend the situation his way. Its a pity the OP isn't the wife.

Well the OP seems to be of the opinion they can afford their own place, with capacity for his daughter and their daughters. Also, if he was to become divorced from his wife, it's very unlikely she'd receive the daughter as she has no desire to be involved with her at all. I also wouldn't expect there to be an issue with his daughter being able to reside with him.

Why do you think someone would take her from him?

Musketeer4

To be honest OP I think regardless of the outcome here, your marriage with your wife is over. She married you knowing you were already a parent and she shoudl therefore have accepted that this was a possibility in the future.
She clearly doesn't have your back in this and I believe you can no longer trust or depend on her.
While ye may remain "married" the relationship insofar as it is a partnership of mutual support, is irreversibly broken.

From what I can see the trenches have been dug here.
Possible scenarios are:
a) you threaten to move out with your daughter, she doesn't back down, you move. marriage over
b) you threaten to throw her out unless she agrees, she won't back down, she's out. marriage over
c) you threaten either of the above, she submits, rolls over in defeat and agrees through gritted teeth. marriage over.

The only thing you can reassure her is that she will have no financial or caring obligations with regard to your 1st daughter and that you will be her carer.

kunst nugget

Speedwell wrote: »

I raised hell with my mother later for throwing Adi away, and she said, "you don't understand, sweetie, it's much easier to manage with him gone". I never saw him again

Can I ask what happened to Adi?

sillysmiles

silverharp wrote: »

I know the kid isn't to blame but the worst case scenario here is his wife divorces him, he ends up in a bedsit with the daughter and then social services here take the daughter off him. I just see that the father here doesn't have all the power here to bend the situation his way. Its a pity the OP isn't the wife.

Social services are not going to take his daughter away from him for living in a bedsit.

He has to have a proper conversation with his wife, and lets her know that this daughter is equally as important and equally as much part of his family and his two kids he has with her.

I honestly don't know how much respect I'd have for a partner that was expecting me to abandon one of my children.

Speedwell

kunst nugget wrote: »

Can I ask what happened to Adi?

I would honestly tell you but I don't know for sure. I do know that shortly before she died my mother told me, "I'm so sorry for the way I failed you kids", though it was unclear whether she meant me and my two brothers, Adi and his four siblings, or the fact that I had told her a few days before that I was a "freethinker", hoping to soften the blow of telling her I had become an atheist.. she wasn't fooled. The partner was murdered by his best friend in a drunken brawl, and Adi's sibs were taken by their natural mother's family, but I know Adi was still in the institution at the time; he'd been self-harming. I might or might not have not brought up the subject because I was so ashamed I couldn't do anything about it legally. I'm kind of surprised I mentioned it now, to be honest; I really just want to cry at my desk. But I promised myself I'd speak up for throwaway kids because of Adi.

kunst nugget

Speedwell wrote: »

I would honestly tell you but I don't know for sure. I do know that shortly before she died my mother told me, "I'm so sorry for the way I failed you kids", though it was unclear whether she meant me and my two brothers, Adi and his four siblings, or the fact that I had told her a few days before that I was a "freethinker", hoping to soften the blow of telling her I had become an atheist.. she wasn't fooled. The partner was murdered by his best friend in a drunken brawl, and Adi's sibs were taken by their natural mother's family, but I know Adi was still in the institution at the time; he'd been self-harming. I might or might not have not brought up the subject because I was so ashamed I couldn't do anything about it legally. I'm kind of surprised I mentioned it now, to be honest; I really just want to cry at my desk. But I promised myself I'd speak up for throwaway kids because of Adi.

It takes a lot to tell a story as honestly as you have now and you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. Thanks so much for sharing this - I'm sure it has affected everyone that has read it and given them a perspective on this issue that they wouldn't have had before.

pilly

I hate to be harsh here but you really need to make this decision yourself. It's nothing to do with the law and it appears you're looking for a way around it by using the law. Sorry, it's about personal responsibility.

In saying that, I can see it from your wife's side too, it's not easy to raise a teenage girl, especially one that hasn't been brought up in the family so ground rules have to be set down, like she follows the rules of the household etc.

bambay

bambay wrote: »

Thanks Teyla,
The truth of the matter is that my daughter and her mum are on the brink of being separated for good, according to the social worker and now she wants me to step-up. Much as I would love my daughter to live with me, my wife's resistance grows stronger by the day and even though I made the social worker aware of this, she still insists my child, like my other kids, has as much right to live with me. My wife wants her to be left in Foster care indefinitely but that is something I cannot condone while I am still alive.
My said daughter visited a couple of years ago and my wife had a fight with her because her upbringing was, according to my wife, in stark contrast with her children's and she says she does not want that influence on her kids. I am confused at to what to do next under the present circumstances. Do I bring my daughter in against my wife's wish and risk my marriage or allow my daughter to be eventually adopted and lose my biological parental rights and save my marriage?
I need more response at earliest convenience as I need to reach a decision in a couple of days. Is there any link that can enlighten me in this matter as far as family law is concerned?

In your position I'd be taking my daughter. You are her dad and she should come before any partner, no matter what, your daughter is a kid and needs her daddy.

Moonbeam

Do you have a relationship with your daughter in the UK?
The poor pet,this can not be easy for her.

Have the kids met? do they know each other?

the_syco

bambay wrote: »

My said daughter visited a couple of years ago and my wife had a fight with her because her upbringing was, according to my wife, in stark contrast with her children's and she says she does not want that influence on her kids.

Do your current kids question your wife's authority?