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Wife v stepdaughter

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    #62
    the_syco
    Registered Users Posts: 37,297 ✭✭✭✭the_syco


    bambay wrote: »
    My said daughter visited a couple of years ago and my wife had a fight with her because her upbringing was, according to my wife, in stark contrast with her children's and she says she does not want that influence on her kids.
    Do your current kids question your wife's authority?


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    #63
    Calhoun
    Registered Users Posts: 7,447 ✭✭✭Calhoun


    This thread makes me so angry, forget the wife OP what the hell is wrong with you? I didn't think it had gotten to the day where we throw away kids like we do dogs.

    If I was in your situation I'd be going for a divorce right now because I can tell you this a person man or woman who can just discard a young girl without even trying is not someone I could build any kind of future with.

    Your decision no matter what you decide will say more about you than it ever will your wife, have along hard think about that before you do anything and don't let yourself talk yourself into making it ok because it's really not.


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    #64
    Fleawuss
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,681 ✭✭✭Fleawuss


    What a difficult situation. Your wife clashes with a 10 year old and her instincts tell her that the best she can do is protect her own children from contact with that 10 year old. That is a huge statement from a mother about another child.

    That 10 year old is your daughter. That is the choice you face: abandon your own daughter to care or face losing your relationship.

    Ignore the social worker talking manipulative crap: her / his goal is to reduce expense and demand for services. Find out from a psychiatrist or psychologists in writing what is the problem with your daughter. Find out if it can be addressed. Then decide if you have the capacity to do that.

    You have an impossible situation in the choice. Life has dealt you a rough hand. You need to think clearly of yourself and your daughter. Make a decision as free from emotion as possible. I wish you every good luck.


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    #65
    bambay
    Registered Users Posts: 23 ✭bambay


    Moonbeam wrote: »
    Do you have a relationship with your daughter in the UK?
    The poor pet,this can not be easy for her.

    Have the kids met? do they know each other?

    I have a good relationship with her. I was with her in Uk last wk and she has met her half-sisters. She said she would love to live with us if my wife would welcome her.


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    #66
    trixychic
    Registered Users Posts: 1,138 ✭✭✭trixychic


    bambay wrote: »
    I have a good relationship with her. I was with her in Uk last wk and she has met her half-sisters. She said she would love to live with us if my wife would welcome her.

    You were doing great there... till you brought up your wife. That shouldn't even be on her radar right now. Poor girl.


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    #67
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    My heart does go out to you op I mean this just seems like such an unbelievable situation, but your daughter needs you.

    Really have to admit that I am astounded at your wife's reaction. I agree with all who advise that your daughter is priority here. If for whatever reason your wife got her own way, you would never forgive yourself for turning your back on your daughter. She may never recover from that rejection either. It's not like you are being disloyal to your other children, or your wife for that matter. It's about doing the right thing. Your wife is in the wrong. I think it is as clear cut as that.


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    #68
    Water John
    Registered Users Posts: 21,204 ✭✭✭✭Water John


    You need to be positive and affirmative. What you need to both say and do is 'I will never turn my back on any of my children'. This sets out the ground for all concerned. Your wife, should allow a trial period of all living together, based on this principle which you will not deviate from. Choices for her arise from this.

    This time period should be set out eg 6 months. A regular family meeting, maybe with a third party present, should take place each month. Issues are not let develop. all members including all 3 children have a say.
    If things are tolerable, not perfect, it won't be, then it should become permanent. This girl is entitled and needs certainty and stability.

    BTW, I know of two women who were rejected by their fathers and they are emotionally scarred. Be father to all 3. Best wishes.


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    #69
    Musketeer4
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 657 ✭✭✭Musketeer4


    To be honest I think whats happening here is that the OPs wife's "cavewoman instincts" are particularly strong. Naturally she wants to protect and care for her own children first and foremost and doesn't want a non-biologically related child that isn't hers coming into the household taking up resources. Its just an animal instinct. Theres a thing called the Cinderella effect and what we have here appears to be a variation of that. In true cinderalla effect, the step parent will devote just enough resources to the step-child to keep the spouse in the frame to care for their own children, whom the will obviously favour. Cases of step child abuse are very often tied back to the Cinderella effect.

    At the end of the day she needs to consider what is actually in the best interests, keeping the non-bio child out and breaking up the houshold or accepting the non-bio child into the house for the sake of keeping her own family unit together. To my eyes the latter would seem to be the most advantageous option.


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    #70
    pilly
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 9,005 ✭✭✭pilly


    Another thing to consider here is does the wife do all of the childcare? If she does then I can see how that would effect her decision.


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    #71
    Ironman76
    Registered Users Posts: 517 ✭✭✭Ironman76


    I was only an infant when my father met my step mother. She hated the sight of me since.
    Thankfully I was raised by a different family where I was happy and loved.
    It was only meant to be temporary but once the stepmother put her foot down there was no way I was going back. Especially when they had three kids of their own.
    I have no relationship with my father now at all because of this woman. Cant stand him in fact, or her.
    Even when I would visit as a teenager etc she hated me being around.
    I know I would have ended up like poor Adi  had I been raised in that environment.
    (My biological mother has never been in my life not that I care).

    The issue I can see developing here is even if your daughter does move in with you your wife will never take to her. She will shun her and this could affect her just as bad.
    Your daughter is entering her most challenging years, her teens and will need support, not to be treated like crap and with total resentment.
    If this move does go ahead you will need to put your foot down that she will be treated equally to your other children. This is critical.
    As I mentioned above I thank the stars everyday I wasn’t raised by my father and this woman.

    Its great that you want to be there for your daughter and help as much as possible.
    But sadly it may come down to having to make a choice between your wife or your daughter.
    Regardless of the outcome your wife will carry on being the person she is but this could be very damaging for your daughter if she is rejected now.
    Could have horrendous consequences, as we have seen mentioned earlier.

    Last year my son was thrown out by his mother. They were arguing all the time.
    He asked could he come and live with me and I have to admit, I was nervous about breaking it to my wife.
    Thankfully she was very supportive (although she does get on well with him which helped I suppose.)
    But for a few hours I did contemplate what would happen if she wasn’t up for it. I honestly wouldn’t have known what to do.
    So there you go, Im no hero either. You really don’t know until you are in the situation.

    So I get whats going through your head. Horrible stuff.
    I really hope the right thing is done here.


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    #72
    Evd-Burner
    Registered Users Posts: 1,456 ✭✭✭Evd-Burner


    Don't think I'd stay with a wife with that attitude. Your child needs a parent, end of.


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    #73
    draiochtanois
    Registered Users Posts: 2,655 ✭✭✭draiochtanois


    This post has been deleted.


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    #74
    Calhoun
    Registered Users Posts: 7,447 ✭✭✭Calhoun


    draiochtanois wrote: »
    This post has been deleted.

    It may come down to that yes, and he wont exactly be abandoning them he will still be there father and involved in their lives but he may not live with them.


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    #75
    Satriale
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,023 ✭✭✭Satriale


    Just my 2 cents, you need to focus on your lone daughter, you can still be there for your other two girls, but they already have a mother to mind them as well. Dont argue with your wife, just tell her you love her and you know she would do the exact same thing if your roles were reversed.
    I suspect your wife will see sense, but if she doesn't, so be it, your daughter is the priority at the moment.

    Best of luck, it's a terrible situation, but i think you already know what's best.


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    #76
    Musketeer4
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 657 ✭✭✭Musketeer4


    At the end of the day the wife is the least important person (or should be) in the picture as far as OP is concerned.

    His first daughter is first priority because apart from OP, she has no-one to care and provide for her, so he needs to be with her.
    Second (but only marginally) are the 2 children he has with wife. Obviously he will still care for and be in their life but they will be OK since they have their mother.
    Third priority is himself, to maintain his sanity and ability to provide for above.
    Fourth and last priority is the wife.

    I think we all would agree that the OP should take in his daughter and support her. The only question is will that be a) within the home he has b) within that home but without wife or c) he leaves the home and sets up a new one with daughter.

    Obviously a) is the most favourable. of b & c, b is preferable.

    If she won't agree I'd be angling to throw wife out of the house as she is the one not playing ball.

    Before you make any decisions OP, perhaps you should get on to an experienced family law solicitor to see what the best tactics are going forward.


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    #77
    Aye Bosun
    Registered Users Posts: 349 ✭✭Aye Bosun


    This might be a bit harsh OP but I think you really need to man up and look after your responsibilities. Your daughter from your first relationship is the only priority here. Your other 2 kids have a mother that is will and able to look after them. Your other daughter does not.
    I'd be tell your wife to put up or get out, when she married you she married your family and that included your daughter. If she is not willing to take on a child of 12 who will go in care if she can't live you than show her the door..honestly I would not want to be in relationship with someone who did not support me and family in every way needed in a situation like this. She sounds like some piece of work. I'd also be a bit concerned about the selfish influence she has on your other 2 kids.


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    #78
    miamee
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Regional East Moderators, Regional North West Moderators Posts: 12,078 Mod ✭✭✭✭miamee


    Musketeer4 wrote: »
    To be honest I think whats happening here is that the OPs wife's "cavewoman instincts" are particularly strong. Naturally she wants to protect and care for her own children first and foremost and doesn't want a non-biologically related child that isn't hers coming into the household taking up resources. Its just an animal instinct. Theres a thing called the Cinderella effect and what we have here appears to be a variation of that. In true cinderalla effect, the step parent will devote just enough resources to the step-child to keep the spouse in the frame to care for their own children, whom the will obviously favour. Cases of step child abuse are very often tied back to the Cinderella effect.

    At the end of the day she needs to consider what is actually in the best interests, keeping the non-bio child out and breaking up the houshold or accepting the non-bio child into the house for the sake of keeping her own family unit together. To my eyes the latter would seem to be the most advantageous option.

    The problem with that is this girl is biologically related to everyone else in the house except for OP's wife.
    It's a very difficult decision the OP has to make but I'd be of the same opinion as most people that his eldest daughter needs him more than anyone else does at the moment. Imagine the example that turning her away will give to her younger sisters? Will they live in fear that the same thing could happen to them somehow? They have a mammy and daddy who care for them and love thme but the oldest daughter currently has neither; the poor thing needs at least one parent to prioritise her.

    OP I don't envy you this difficult time; do your other daughters know what is happening? If so would a family meeting be appropriate? I know they are young but they aren't babies. This is potentially a big change that will affect all four of you if your oldest daughter did come to live with you. Presuming they like spending time with their sister, their opinions may help to sway their mothers opinion.


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    #79
    draiochtanois
    Registered Users Posts: 2,655 ✭✭✭draiochtanois


    This post has been deleted.


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    #80
    Dravokivich
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Music Moderators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,360 CMod ✭✭✭✭Dravokivich


    draiochtanois wrote: »
    This post has been deleted.

    How did you get to that, when the concern here is for his daughter?


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    #81
    Engine No.9
    Registered Users Posts: 1,128 ✭✭✭Engine No.9


    I haven't read thru the post so I'm not sure if this has been said before, but this girl is your daughter, man. If your wife breaks up your family or even threatens it due to your very daughter coming to live with you then you and your daughter are much better off without her.

    Its a rock and a hard place situation, but it could not be clearer which way you need to go. Bring in your daughter. She needs love, support, family and to hell with your wife (really). The family may split, but so long as you love your daughter and your other 2 kids and support them, there is not much more that you can do.

    And seriously!!! Blood is thicker than water mate. Your wife is the water here. Its so black and white. I'm getting angrier the more I write and think about this. Your wife needs her head examined and her parental capacity must be seriously questioned over this.


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    #82
    draiochtanois
    Registered Users Posts: 2,655 ✭✭✭draiochtanois


    This post has been deleted.


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    #83
    Speedwell
    Registered Users Posts: 3,809 ✭✭✭Speedwell


    draiochtanois wrote: »
    This post has been deleted.

    That the needs of the children of a family, who cannot fend for themselves, trump the needs of the adults, who can. That even if they are separated for a while due to misunderstandings, a true parent steps up in an emergency. That human beings make altruistic, compassionate decisions because of their shared humanity, and resist giving in to atavistic, antisocial urges. That Daddy protects his children from threats to their well-being even when that threat comes from a source very close to him and the protection involves his personal sacrifice. That type of example.


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    #84
    Dravokivich
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Music Moderators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,360 CMod ✭✭✭✭Dravokivich


    draiochtanois wrote: »
    This post has been deleted.

    Copy and paste, doesn't explain why you accused the other person of being misogynistic.

    Especially when the child of concern is a girl. A dependent girl, who's needs are greater than that of the wife, who I'd expect can potentially provide for herself. Or should she require the undivided attention of a man?


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    #85
    draiochtanois
    Registered Users Posts: 2,655 ✭✭✭draiochtanois


    This post has been deleted.


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    #86
    njs030
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,030 ✭✭✭njs030


    draiochtanois wrote: »
    Originally Posted by Musketeer "At the end of the day the wife is the least important person"

    That's not misogynistic, the wife IS the least important person in a situation where the other person is a 12 year old girl. Surely you can see the demands of a grown adult woman come second to the welfare of a child?

    Op I really feel sorry for you, what a horribly messy situation but your wife married you knowing you had a child and unfortunately that child is as important as the ones she gave birth to, I hope she comes round to seeing this girl as part of her family before its too late.


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    #87
    Dravokivich
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Music Moderators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,360 CMod ✭✭✭✭Dravokivich


    draiochtanois wrote: »
    This post has been deleted.

    Who's being selective?

    The person who is entirely dependent, is by our very nature, the more important party, in comparison to any other for support.

    It has been explained throughout the thread that the stepdaughter reference in the title was from the perspective of his wife.

    He also made a statement of intent with his current family that if needs be, he will arrange accommodation for himself and his 3 daughters. So he doesn't sound like a back seat guy regarding family matters. It's tougher to be more involved hands on when a child from a previous relationship is abroad.

    The issue regarding the social worker, is solely in regards to the inability of the mother in the UK. You seems to be expecting he to just leave her be. By all accounts he has a relationship with his daughter, who also by the OPs account seems to be familiar with and keen on her step sisters.

    And you think, someone here has a problem with women, because they are concerned for the wellbeing of someone, who with the proper support from family first and foremost, can grow to be a woman?


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    #88
    kunst nugget
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,375 ✭✭✭✭kunst nugget


    It seems baffling that someone would bring in gender politics into the conversation…


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    #89
    Dravokivich
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Music Moderators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,360 CMod ✭✭✭✭Dravokivich


    kunst nugget wrote: »
    It seems baffling that someone would bring in gender politics into the conversation…

    They've been teasing it throughout the thread.


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    #90
    Dardania
    Registered Users Posts: 3,612 ✭✭✭Dardania


    draiochtanois wrote: »
    This post has been deleted.

    You are selective quoting my response to the below out of context.

    "At the end of the day the wife is the least important person"

    The idea that the relationship with his wife and mother of two of his three children isn't important is baffling.

    It's quite clear he has pretty much abandoned his 12 yo. If you are hearing from a social worker in a different country that you should step up you have messed up in a big way.

    It's obvious he has minimal contact with her.

    And it's pretty obvious that his wife does the heavy lifting with the two here.

    Jeez he is calling his daughter "stepdaughter" in the title of the thread.[/quote]

    This calling the daughter his step daughter in thread title I interpreted as being with respect to his wife. Not that he considered his first daughter his step daughter. But it is possible to interpret both ways.

    I wonder are you projecting your own perspective on this situation unfairly?


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    #91
    Musketeer4
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 657 ✭✭✭Musketeer4


    draiochtanois wrote: »
    This post has been deleted.
    Dravokivich wrote: »
    How did you get to that, when the concern here is for his daughter?
    Dravokivich wrote: »
    Copy and paste, doesn't explain why you accused the other person of being misogynistic.

    Especially when the child of concern is a girl. A dependent girl, who's needs are greater than that of the wife, who I'd expect can potentially provide for herself. Or should she require the undivided attention of a man?


    draiochtanois wrote: »
    This post has been deleted.

    I'm not being misogynistic. I'm not saying that to belittle her value as a person or as a woman or a wife. I'm not saying she is unimportant, I'm saying she is the least important.

    And on the bolded bit, how is that "pretty obvious" as you put it? Clarify.


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