The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Vyse · 21-09-2016 10:58PM

What's the difference between an egg and a ****?

You can beat an egg:)

Stigura · 22-09-2016 01:18AM

What's the difference between Light and Hard?

Ye can sleep with a light on! :P

Ken. · 22-09-2016 01:30AM

Mod-Lets keep it light hearted folks.

iLikeWaffles · 22-09-2016 10:19PM

"If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?"

"Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he THINK he was doing at the time?"

chillin117 · 22-09-2016 10:59PM

I thought I was great in bed until she told me she had Asthma...

PaddyWilliams · 23-09-2016 09:07AM

iLikeWaffles wrote: »

"If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?"

"Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he THINK he was doing at the time?"

What about the first person to look at a chicken and think 'I'm going to eat whatever comes out of it's arse'.

MetalDog · 23-09-2016 07:40PM

"Jesus loves you" - A nice thing to hear in a church.

Not so nice to hear in a Mexican prison . . . .

Microdot · 24-09-2016 12:10PM

A young lad lost his job in a chip shop,...
so his father goes to ask why.....
"I found him with the potato peeler up his arse".
Dad says
"may i see the potato peeler please?"
and the owner replied
"No, I fired him as well "

chillin117 · 24-09-2016 06:54PM

Microdot wrote: »

A young lad lost his job in a chip shop,...
so his father goes to ask why.....
"I found him with the potato peeler up his arse" (.Says the owner)
Dad says
"may i see the potato peeler please?"
and the owner replied
"No, I fired him as well "

Brilliant, Tried to fix it for you...

Microdot · 25-09-2016 01:25PM

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me today that she was desperate for a good Rodger.

After i kicked off my underpants, i felt a bit foolish when she explained that she just wanted to rent out her spare room.

byrner88 · 25-09-2016 01:40PM

I went up to the check-in desk in the airport and the women said to me" have you left your suitcase unattended at anytime?

I said" yeah.... it's been up in my attic for the last 11months

Microdot · 25-09-2016 02:10PM

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After three hours of amazing sex, Paddy says.
"I wonder how the girls are getting on."

MonkieSocks · 27-09-2016 05:05PM

A Texan couple were having trouble conceiving.

She had been checked out by a gynecologists and was fine, so she booked her husband in to see the doctor.

He came home wearing a brand new 10 gallon hat, brand spanking leather boots, and leather waistcoat, and diamond studded boot lace tie.

His wife said what "Wow, what happened, what did the doctor tell you"

He said "The doctor told me me I was impotent, and by golly if I am impotent, I will look impotent"

GBX · 27-09-2016 05:55PM

My mate rang me and asked, "What're you doing at the moment?"
I said, "Probably failing my driving test."

fryup · 27-09-2016 06:08PM

MonkieSocks wrote: »

He said "The doctor told me me I was impotent, and by golly if I am impotent, I will look impotent"

important, in a texan accent??

Panthro · 27-09-2016 07:12PM

fryup wrote: »

important, in a texan accent??

No a Mexican one.

frag420 · 27-09-2016 08:24PM

Impotent-Mexican for 'Wall'

MonkieSocks · 27-09-2016 08:28PM

fryup wrote: »

important, in a texan accent??

He was from a small town called “Piz Palu “ near the base of the mountains in West Texas.

Dies is the source of his unusual accent.

coolhull · 28-09-2016 11:45PM

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am".
The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".

"You must be a technician." said the balloonist.

"I am" replied the man "how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."

The man below responded, "You must be a politician".

"I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my ****ing fault!

iLikeWaffles · 29-09-2016 12:32AM

What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies?

Snowballs.

Microdot · 01-10-2016 02:55PM

How many cows.

A farmer named Sam was overseeing his herd in a remote hilly pasture in Hereford
when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie,
leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you
have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Sam looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals
and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular
RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the Farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

“That is correct, you may take one of my calves” says Sam
.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car

Then Sam says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Sam
.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered Sam.

"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.

You used thousands of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.
Oh, by the way, This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.

AND THAT FRIENDS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS WITH THE EU

glynf · 01-10-2016 09:04PM

A pissed drunk man stinking of liquor sat down next to a priest on the bus out of town. The man’s tie was stained, his face plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. The priest shifted in his seat uncomfortably and proceeded to out the window beside him.

The drunk picked up a discarded newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Father, what causes arthritis?”

A look of utter contempt appeared on the priests face as he turned and snapped at the inebriated man “it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.”

“Jaysus...” muttered the scuttered man who promptly returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?” To which the drunk man answered,

“I don’t have it; I was just reading here that the Pope does“

Capt'n Midnight · 01-10-2016 11:48PM

Microdot wrote: »

How many cows.

..
AND THAT FRIENDS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS WITH THE EU

Changing the punchline from Lawyer / Yuppie to EU without changing all the US brand names reminds me of

"Brexit protestor tries to burn the EU flag, but can’t because of EU regulation on flammable materials"

Also cloud of dust in Hereford ?

[/RANT]

Anyway some European jokes about other Europeans

“Portugal is the only country in the world where a man’s mistress is uglier than his wife”

Two Belgians are driving a truck and arrive at a bridge with a warning sign: maximum height 4 meters. They get off and measure their truck. It’s 6 meters high.
– What shall we do? asks the one.
– I don’t see any police, says the other one, so let’s drive on

– Why do we say ‘going to the toilets’ in France and ‘going to the toilet’ in Belgium ?
– Because in France, you have to visit many of them before finding one clean enough.

Why do the Dutch people love the Belgian-jokes so much?
– They are cheap.

Why did Ikea stop opening stores in the Netherlands?
– They couldn’t afford the free pencils anymore.

Why is the Austrian flag ‘red-white-red’?
– So that they can’t raise it upside-down.
Then there was the cross-eyed Irish teacher who resigned because he had no control over his pupils.”

– What do you call it when 2 whites are pushing a car?
-White Power
-What do you call it when 2 blacks are pushing a car?
– Black Power
– What do you call it when 2 Poles are pushing a car?
– Grand theft auto.

What do you call an Italian with his hands in his pocket?
– A mute

The Prime Ministers of Germany and Austria met to exchange notes.
– How are things in Germany? asked the Prime Minister of Austria.
The German sighed:
– Well, in Germany the situation is serious, he said, but not hopeless.
– In Austria the situation is hopeless, the Austrian Prime Minister replied, but not serious.

Why is that in Estonia young mothers change their children’s nappy only once a day?
– Because there is a note written on the packet: up to 4 kg.

Mujo, haven’t you heard, the male gorilla in the Sarajevo Zoo is seriously ill and the female gorilla is going crazy without sex. They are now looking for somebody to replace the male gorilla and they are willing to pay up to 5,000 marks! says Suljo.
Mojo answers:
– Oh yes, I heard, but where will I find 5,000 marks?

A Bosnian is at an interview for a job in Germany.
– Where are you from? asks the employer.
– From Bosnia!
– Oh, I know, says the German, you Bosnians, you have the reputation to be lazy.
– Oh no, sir, responds the Bosnian, those are the Montenegrins. We, Bosnians, are stupid!

– Why don’t people from Gabrovo buy refrigerators?
– Because they can’t be sure the light goes off when the door’s closed.

A Greek and a Turki were sitting at a party. Someone told a turkish Joke and the Greek guy got offended. The Greek guy walked up to the Turki and asked him:
– Don’t you get offended when you hear these Turki jokes?
The Turki replied:
– For you they are jokes for us they are memories.

shootermacg · 01-10-2016 11:53PM

So today I called the rape advice hotline. It turns out that it's only for victims.

linpoo · 01-10-2016 11:54PM

Declan the crab.

Declan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Declan in tears.

"We can't see each other anymore...." she sobbed.

"Why?" gasped Declan.

"Daddy says crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you, a mere crab, and a poor one at that, are the lowest class of crustacean... and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways."

Declan was shattered, and scuttled sidewards away into the darkness and to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion. That night, the great Lobster Ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.

Suddenly the doors burst open, and Declan the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne. Slowly, painstakingly, Declan the crab made his way across the floor...and all could see that he was walking not sideways, but FORWARDS, one claw after another!

Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he finally looked King Lobster in the eye. There was a deadly hush. Finally, the crab spoke..............

"f, I'm pissed

Capt'n Midnight · 02-10-2016 12:01AM

Two Finns meet up for the first time in years. “So how are you?” asks Pekka. Ahti grunts and orders a beer. “And how’s the family?” asks Pekka. Ahti grunts and orders another beer. “And how’s work?” asks Pekka, three pints later. “Look,” says Ahti, “did we come here to drink, or to talk?”

Some more by -

Finns
What’s the difference between the Swedes and the Finns?
The Swedes have got nice neighbours.

Portuguese
In a recent survey, 11 out of 10 Spaniards said they felt superior to the others.

Poles
German footballers are like German food: if they’re not imported from Poland they’re no good

Italians
Notice on an Italian bus: don’t talk to the driver, he needs his hands.

Belgians
How do all Dutch recipes begin? Borrow six eggs, 200g of flour, half a litre of milk …

How does a Frenchman commit suicide? By shooting 15cm above his head, right in the middle of his superiority complex.

Dutch husband to Dutch wife: “Put your coat on, dear.” “Why, darling, are we going out?” “No, I am. So I’ll just turn the heating off.”

Why did the French choose the cockerel as their national symbol? Because it’s the only animal that sings when it’s knee-deep in shít.

Germans on the (thieving) Poles:
When is it Christmas in Poland? Two days after Christmas in Germany.

Macedonians
A Greek motorist parks his car outside the parliament in Athens. “You can’t park here,” says the cop. “This is where our politicians work.” “That’s OK,” says the motorist. “It’s fitted with an alarm.”

Microdot · 02-10-2016 10:54AM

I had to go to Dublin for a job interview as a trainee gynaecologist.
The guy asked “Would you be prepared to travel to Belfast"?
"Is that where the job is then" I asked.
"Nope, that's the back of the queue."

nicklauski · 02-10-2016 11:00AM

Not the best one I've ever heard, but it definitely gave me a good chuckle.

Paddy's out the back garden and he sees the next door neighbour throwing seeds all over the garden.

"Jaysis Mick, what are you at now?"

"Well Paddy, just throwing out some elephant repellant"

"There's no elephants around here Paddy!"

"I know Mick. Super stuff isn't it!"

Hagar7 · 03-10-2016 04:41PM

Not sure if this is a scam but I just had a phone call saying I'd won £250 cash or two tickets to an Elvis tribute night.

It said Press 1 for the money or 2 for the show......

Comer1 · 03-10-2016 06:11PM

Microdot wrote: »

I had to go to Dublin for a job interview as a trainee gynaecologist.
The guy asked “Would you be prepared to travel to Belfast"?
"Is that where the job is then" I asked.
"Nope, that's the back of the queue."

Did you hear about the gynaecologist who did his own home decorating?

He wallpapered the front Hall through the letterbox.

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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