I cheated on my husband

Miss.RD123 · 11-09-2016 10:50PM #1

Please, I'm not looking to be berated here. I cheated on my wonderful husband. The guilt is unbearable. I want so much to tell him but know in my heart that he would not forgive me. I was very drunk and did the deed with my friend and her husband. I felt physically sick afterwards and couldn't believe what we'd done. I know that it's not an excuse but they initiated it and I was very drunk. I love my husband and our children more than life itself. Can this guilt be my punishment? For our children's sake at least, should I just try and put this in the back of my mind and move on? Any advice please ?...

RossieMan · 11-09-2016 10:52PM

Tell your husband. He deserves to make the decision.

Man007 · 11-09-2016 10:56PM

Hi

I truly believe that mistakes can happen no matter how much you love someone.

I know it's no excuse but you said you were very drunk and the situation arose it doesn't make it right but things happen.

What's done is done I think you should take the guilt as your punishment you have kids no good will come from telling your husband and your relationship will never be the same because of a stupid mistake.

It can't be undone now try not beat yourself up too much time will make things better.

ArtyC · 11-09-2016 11:29PM

Whatever you decide to do I think you need to take a very long break from alcohol. You lost control of yourself, maybe refrain and concentrate on your kids.

Big Bag of Chips · 11-09-2016 11:34PM

I think you either tell your husband, or you reconsider your friendship. If you don't tell him then it is really not fair on him to meet up with your friend and her husband and all knowing what happened with him oblivious.

bilbot79 · 11-09-2016 11:56PM

Don't tell. Take your guilt on the chin and don't do it again. He's better off not knowing

BoJack Horseman · 11-09-2016 11:57PM

Phase out your 'friend' carefully.
Don't tell your husband.

A mistake isn't worth destroying your homestead over.

CarrickMcJoe · 12-09-2016 12:02AM

Best to tell him. Do you honestly think your friends husband will stay quiet about a threesome.

Who's to say he didn't record it?

Mr.JB1986 · 12-09-2016 01:54AM

I could never forgive my OH if she did what you did OP. What sort of individuals are these 'friends' of yours, if they're friends with your husband too? Were they drunk as well? It doesn't matter how drunk you say you were, you still went along with it. I don't think there's a man alive who would forgive his OH for doing what you did. If you really love the man, just tell him so he can decide for himself what he wants to do.

muboop1 · 12-09-2016 07:11AM

Whatever your decision. Get yourself checked. Never know if you could have caught something. Especially if they are a non-monogamous. Its probably fine, but it's not fair to put him at risk.

As a personal note, I could not live with the lie. I would tell. But this is a personal decision.

Do bare in mind tho that if tou keep it secret and if it all came out in the future... the excuse that the 'internet people' agreed I should keep it secret... won't wash. So you choice is your own, as are its consequences both personal and for yourself.

Stay away from this friend regardless. Again not fair.

Meauldsegosha · 12-09-2016 09:26AM

A secret is only truly a secret when only one person knows it. The fact that two other people know it difficult to contain it and I think it would be worse for your husband to find out from someone else.

Also you choose to drink and have sex with someone else by not telling your husband you are taking away his choice. He may choose you leave you or he may choose to stay but you should give him that choice.

cloudatlas · 12-09-2016 09:29AM

You aren't intending on doing it again. If you tell him your marriage could be over and all the good things that you built will be under threat because of one mistake, I don't think it's worth it.

I'm not sure about cutting your friends out, you were drunk but you don't say that it wasn't consensual, just a mistake? How can you blame your friends when you knew the score also. People on here are so puritanical sometimes i.e. casting your friends as the evil lascivious couple in an open relationship who preyed on their friend, which is not what the O.P said at all. Maybe you will have to cut them out because of the awkwardness of the situation and out of a latent respect for your husband but to cut them out because you all decided to take your clothes off and have a bit of fun, I don't think so.

3DataModem · 12-09-2016 09:40AM

Figure out what made you do it (drink, whatever) and work on that. If you feel you can improve yourself as a result, then do that and don't tell him.

Good luck

Penny Tration · 12-09-2016 09:42AM

I disagree with the posters saying not to tell him.

You had the choice to sleep with them. He deserves the choice of whether or not he wants to be with you after it.

If you decide not to tell him (seems like you won't), cut all contact with these people. If you continue to be friends with them, you're disrespecting your husband and your marriage even further. Block them on every form of calls, text, social media, everything. And hope to god they don't tell him, or tell other people.

After that, I'd suggest you stop drinking if getting drunk like that is something that happens when you drink.

Most importantly, go get yourself tested for STDs and DO NOT sleep with your husband until you have the all clear (which can be a number of months for HIV screening).

JeffKenna · 12-09-2016 09:46AM

Are this couple mutual friends with yourself and your husband? Oh god I really feel for the man.

Big Bag of Chips · 12-09-2016 10:19AM

cloudatlas wrote: »

Maybe you will have to cut them out because of the awkwardness of the situation and out of a latent respect for your husband but to cut them out because you all decided to take your clothes off and have a bit of fun, I don't think so.

I think the point people are making is out of respect to her husband she can no longer socialise with these people. If I cheated on my husband, didn't tell him, and then continued to meet up with the person on a regular basis, possibly bringing them into my house, possibly socialising in their company, with my husband with him completely unaware of all that went on, then I believe that would make the cheating even worse.

My friend (colleague) cheated on her husband with a work colleague, and many of us knew about it. I had to step away from our friendship, not because I didn't approve, it was none of my business after all, but because I could not in good conscience be in company with her husband who I was quite good friends with, knowing what I knew and pretending nothing happened. My feelings were, if/when it all came out I didn't want him thinking we were all 'in on it' and laughing at him behind his back.

It's humiliating enough to have your spouse cheat on you. Carrying on seeing the person/people in the company of your spouse is a whole other level of disrespect.

Penny Tration · 12-09-2016 10:20AM

differento wrote: »

What you did was wrong you know that, your guilt is your punishment. Don't tell him, ever. It will only hurt him and then you more so. So what if you had a bit of kinky fun on the side, maybe you needed it or wanted it in some way.

Most men cheat and women are catching up to them and there isn't anything wrong with that.

Have you thought about involving him in this arrangement? It might bring you closer together.

Most men don't cheat, and most women don't cheat, and there absolutely IS something wrong with cheating!

Do you really think that suggesting the OP's husband has sex with the people she cheated with is a good idea? That's beyond bonkers.

Stan27 · 12-09-2016 11:24AM

I feel so sorry for your husband.

Saipanne · 12-09-2016 11:27AM

He deserves to know. You should tell him.

mada82 · 12-09-2016 11:33AM

Wow. What a way to really disrespect the man.
If you tell him I would say it's almost certain it's over.

To be honest I don't really believe this story.

Seth Brundle · 12-09-2016 11:54AM

Miss.RD123 wrote: »

Please, I'm not looking to be berated here. I cheated on my wonderful husband. The guilt is unbearable. I want so much to tell him but know in my heart that he would not forgive me. I was very drunk and did the deed with my friend and her husband. I felt physically sick afterwards and couldn't believe what we'd done. I know that it's not an excuse but they initiated it and I was very drunk. I love my husband and our children more than life itself. Can this guilt be my punishment? For our children's sake at least, should I just try and put this in the back of my mind and move on? Any advice please ?...

My own view would be that you were aware of the situation (otherwise it was non consentual!). I've been twisted drunk on many occasion but would have been aware of what was going on.
Without going into the details (and I'm not judging you) you would have had the opportunity to say no but chose not to. I can only assume that you wanted it to happen and for it to continue.
Was there something that happened between you and your husband that allowed you to this this was ok (were you both in the middle of a big fight)?
Have there been problems between you two recently (sexually or otherwise)?
Have you been feeling the need to explore your sexuality?
I'm just trying to get my head around why you would consciously decide to go with this (again not judging).

Irrespective, I don't think that you should say anything as it will destroy the marriage. However, you should discuss this with your friends and then start making a large gap between you and them.

If, on the other hand and as I suspect, you did want the threesome, you need to figure out what is wrong with your marriage and then look at somehow resolving it. If the problem cannot be resolved, then you need to discuss it with your husband.

jaykay74 · 12-09-2016 12:02PM

Whatever chance you have of saving your marriage if he finds out from other parties (since there are multiple others involved) you have no chance.

Miss.RD123 · 12-09-2016 01:11PM

kbannon wrote: »

My own view would be that you were aware of the situation (otherwise it was non consentual!). I've been twisted drunk on many occasion but would have been aware of what was going on.
Without going into the details (and I'm not judging you) you would have had the opportunity to say no but chose not to. I can only assume that you wanted it to happen and for it to continue.
Was there something that happened between you and your husband that allowed you to this this was ok (were you both in the middle of a big fight)?
Have there been problems between you two recently (sexually or otherwise)?
Have you been feeling the need to explore your sexuality?
I'm just trying to get my head around why you would consciously decide to go with this (again not judging).

Irrespective, I don't think that you should say anything as it will destroy the marriage. However, you should discuss this with your friends and then start making a large gap between you and them.

If, on the other hand and as I suspect, you did want the threesome, you need to figure out what is wrong with your marriage and then look at somehow resolving it. If the problem cannot be resolved, then you need to discuss it with your husband.

My husband and I have a very good marriage, we're not having problems. I know that this is my fault, my husband didn't do anything prior that made me believe that what I was doing was somehow OK. I was aware of what was happening. My friend and her husband are very good looking people, as is my husband. I was aroused and knew what was happening and just went along with it, I wasn't thinking at all. I don't even consider myself bisexual either. I feel ill, I never want something like this to happen ever again. I love my husband, I I don't want to explore my sexuality , or have an affair. I just want my husband.

Refresh · 12-09-2016 01:14PM

Miss.RD123 wrote: »

My husband and I have a very good marriage, we're not having problems. I know that this is my fault, my husband didn't do anything prior that made me believe that what I was doing was somehow OK. I was aware of what was happening. My friend and her husband are very good looking people, as is my husband. I was aroused and knew what was happening and just went along with it, I wasn't thinking at all. I don't even consider myself bisexual either. I feel ill, I never want something like this to happen ever again. I love my husband, I I don't want to explore my sexuality , or have an affair. I just want my husband.

If you want it to stop and want to keep your husband, then you cannot tell him at all. If you do, the trust is gone and you will lose him. Keep it to yourself and make sure that they do the same.
Nothing to gain from telling him.

Hmm_Messiah · 12-09-2016 01:23PM

Refresh wrote: »

If you want it to stop and want to keep your husband, then you cannot tell him at all. If you do, the trust is gone and you will lose him. Keep it to yourself and make sure that they do the same.
Nothing to gain from telling him.

The trust is not gone " if " she does tell him. the trust is gone because of what she did. OF course her husband remains trusting as he is clueless, but that's not a real trust, as both people are not at all on the same page.

IT is also true that if she tells then their marriage is close to doomed - it would be difficult to survive it, but not impossible

If I was the person half of me would not want to know, especially if it would never ever happen again. but half would want to know, and how do you know would never happen when she does not seem to have a handle on why it happened in first place. from last reply sounds like horniness, and going ahead with it was then just selfishness

With friends just makes it all much worse - as if/ when revealed adds to the disrespect

Only the OP knows what to really do, or what her relationship is with her husband. Sometime snot telling is best as it is just something that would never happen again . but I would be inclined to tell, it would be devastating but then what happened is devastating

At the end of the day being told has a value -

Treetop23 · 12-09-2016 01:27PM

If this couple had sex with you, there is a chance they are having sex with other people.

It takes about 3 weeks for a bacterial infection to show in your system, and 3 to 6 months for a viral infection like hiv.

Avoiding sex for 6 months until you get results is going to difficult and will affect your relationship.

My advice would be to tell your husband- (forget about the guilt you feel from the deed, how much more guilty will you feel for the next 6 months while you wait for results).

lawred2 · 12-09-2016 01:30PM

Miss.RD123 wrote: »

Please, I'm not looking to be berated here. I cheated on my wonderful husband. The guilt is unbearable. I want so much to tell him but know in my heart that he would not forgive me. I was very drunk and did the deed with my friend and her husband. I felt physically sick afterwards and couldn't believe what we'd done. I know that it's not an excuse but they initiated it and I was very drunk. I love my husband and our children more than life itself. Can this guilt be my punishment? For our children's sake at least, should I just try and put this in the back of my mind and move on? Any advice please ?...

Could at least have chosen strangers...

I think you have to tell your husband. These people know him and can you trust them entirely not to tell him? They obviously have little enough regard for him as it stands.

Hearing it from them will be a million times worse.

However maybe you can trust them and if so it's up to you how much you can swallow the guilt whilst knowing that people he knows know what you did.

Some mess.

Saipanne · 12-09-2016 01:34PM

Miss.RD123 wrote: »

My husband and I have a very good marriage, we're not having problems. I know that this is my fault, my husband didn't do anything prior that made me believe that what I was doing was somehow OK. I was aware of what was happening. My friend and her husband are very good looking people, as is my husband. I was aroused and knew what was happening and just went along with it, I wasn't thinking at all. I don't even consider myself bisexual either. I feel ill, I never want something like this to happen ever again. I love my husband, I I don't want to explore my sexuality , or have an affair. I just want my husband.

Are you really ok with your husband being around these people now? Acting as if nothing happened? You'd be ok with your poor husband standing there blissfully unaware? Sorry, but this is nothing but a sham now. Confess and try to fix it. Or leave him in the dark and continue the sham.

lawred2 · 12-09-2016 01:34PM

cloudatlas wrote: »

You aren't intending on doing it again. If you tell him your marriage could be over and all the good things that you built will be under threat because of one mistake, I don't think it's worth it.

I'm not sure about cutting your friends out, you were drunk but you don't say that it wasn't consensual, just a mistake? How can you blame your friends when you knew the score also. People on here are so puritanical sometimes i.e. casting your friends as the evil lascivious couple in an open relationship who preyed on their friend, which is not what the O.P said at all. Maybe you will have to cut them out because of the awkwardness of the situation and out of a latent respect for your husband but to cut them out because you all decided to take your clothes off and have a bit of fun, I don't think so.

Give it a rest. Friends don't knowingly do something that could ruin your marriage and cause you to lose your kids.

lawred2 · 12-09-2016 01:36PM

Refresh wrote: »

If you want it to stop and want to keep your husband, then you cannot tell him at all. If you do, the trust is gone and you will lose him. Keep it to yourself and make sure that they do the same.
Nothing to gain from telling him.

Warped understanding of trust

jaykay74 · 12-09-2016 01:42PM

lawred2 wrote: »

Give it a rest. Friends don't knowingly do something that could ruin your marriage and cause you to lose your kids.

Yes but friends also don't... so the I think acquaintances is a better description

I cheated on my husband

Comments