I cheated on my husband

mada82

Another thing I will add is that guilt fades in time.

Miss.RD123

I just can't see them telling other people about this, my friend isn't like that. We all work in well respected professions and if this got out... No I can't see that happening.

Eric Cartman

Miss.RD123 wrote: »

I just can't see them telling other people about this, my friend isn't like that. We all work in well respected professions and if this got out... No I can't see that happening.

if your husband has any male mates in common with the other man in this scenario, I think it'll come out. It will become a pub talk joke at some point.

Do your husband a favour and tell him. If he keeps you then count your lucky stars , if he doesn't , just leave and start your life over elsewhere and let him get on with his.

professore

Most here are not taking STDs into account. If he gets a nasty STD a few weeks or months down the road, there will be a lot of awkward questions to be answered. Did you use protection?

Seems most on here think it's OK to cheat as long as it's a once off. I don't agree, but to each their own. If you've both agreed to it then no problem - with the caveat that most men will find it harder to have lots of sex than women will and are often forced into an open marriage because the wife wants variety.

Lots of people demand honesty in relationships but aren't prepared to be honest themselves.

OP to cheat so readily really says something about your personality. It would take a lot more than a few drinks to make me cheat, I'd need an emotional connection and a really crap marriage on the brink of ending and I'm a guy. I'm naturally monogamous, but some are not.

You should take a long hard look at your priorities and your actual preferences. It's not fair to demand monogamy from your partner if you are not monogamous yourself. Not judging you for that but a threesome? That's purely for sex. Be honest about it with yourself and your partner, you want lots of sex with different people. Maybe he does too? If he doesn't, why dupe him?

professore

Mr.JB1986 wrote: »

a sex therapist and she said that when someone cheats, it's always a conscious or sub- conscious comment on the state of their marriage/relationship. It can't only be lust that made you do it.

Don't believe that. Some women want lots of sex. Just as some men do.

shafty100

hi miss rd 123 if you think because of their profession that they are not likely to talk then you are sadly deluded , why leave this to chance when in reality all it takes is a few drinks and most will spill their guts , its your choice but why leave your fate in others hands

robbiezero

shafty100 wrote: »

hi miss rd 123 if you think because of their profession that they are not likely to talk then you are sadly deluded , why leave this to chance when in reality all it takes is a few drinks and most will spill their guts , its your choice but why leave your fate in others hands

They probably won't.
I have been going to the pub a lot and I have never heard a married couple boast about a threesome.
They will be very conscious of their own reputations.

Big Bag of Chips

Miss.RD123 wrote: »

I just can't see them telling other people about this, my friend isn't like that.

Before this happened could you see your friend having a threesome with you? Her married friend? You can't ever be certain. And you can possibly be sure about your friend that she wouldn't betray you. But you absolutely can't be sure about her husband, and what he might confide to someone else..

Your poor husband.

MeatTwoVeg

Miss.RD123 wrote:

I just can't see them telling other people about this, my friend isn't like that. We all work in well respected professions and if this got out... No I can't see that happening.

Of course they won't, and the chances of you getting a STD if you used protection, are miniscule.

People using these as reasons for you to confess are either deluded or just deliberately scaremongering.

suicide_circus

You want to save your marriage by not telling him. Is your marriage not already tainted? Every time you look at your husband's smiling face will you not be racked with guilt at the ultimate betrayal and lack of respect you've shown him? Your marriage is now based on a lie and the longer you let it go on, the more you disrespect this man. Can you imagine he finds out from a third party? Do the right thing.

Aimeee

Personally I feel if there are children involved you need to think very very carefully before you change their lives forever. Don't underestimate the effect a break up will have on them.
You made a massive mistake OP, one you will have to live with. Only you know if you can sustain your marriage through this.
It's easy for others to say your husband should know. Maybe if he did he would wish he didn't. His life will irreversibly change. It will either break or strengthen you. Secrets in a marriage can eat away over time even if only one person is keeping the secret. The guilt will fade over time. Your priorities will totally change if you find yourself in the middle of a family breakup.
When I read posts like this and from things I hear amongst friends I often wonder can marriages recover from mistakes? What level of mistake is acceptable. What is unforgivable?
At the moment the only person hurting is you. Many more will be hurt with more far reaching consequences if you tell. A dilemma for sure. I wish you the best of luck.

JeffKenna

MeatTwoVeg wrote: »

Of course they won't, and the chances of you getting a STD if you used protection, are miniscule.

People using these as reasons for you to confess are either deluded or just deliberately scaremongering.

Do we know they used protection? I would have thought if people were as drunk as the OP described they wouldn't have had the awareness to?

leggo

Gah, tough one, and sadly the only right thing to do is 'not cheat', but that ship has sailed.

For what it's worth, I cheated before when I was younger. I did what I felt was 'the right thing' the next day and fessed up. I still regret doing so to this day. It ripped the other person apart and did so much long-term damage to them that it wasn't worth it. And while I felt, at the time, that I was doing it for their benefit to take my medicine, I realised down the line that I told them for me, so I could then sleep at night knowing "look I did the right thing and told them." But the result of that was me feeling better about myself and her entire faith in love, relationships and trust being crushed. So that's not even nearly fair. The guilt should've been my burden to live with.

Then again, ask me now what I'd prefer on the other side and I'd say, 10 times out of 10, than an uncomfortable truth is better than a pleasant-sounding lie. If I was your husband and found out, I could maybe come back from you telling me, but not if I heard from someone else. And people talk. Whether you trust your friends or not, you just don't know for 100% if they'll keep it a secret (including while jarred with their mates) in the future. Maybe they'll want it again. Maybe they'll make little private jokes with you in the future. Maybe they'll judge you and your relationship and you'll then be left with the constant feeling of shame that there's some truth to that.

Here's another thing to consider: do you trust yourself to not blurt it out down the line? Because your lie is also time-sensitive. The longer you keep it to yourself, the worse it gets. If you tell him years from now, he may not recover. If you told him the day after it happened, he may have eventually seen that you just f'd up while drunk, but the fact that you've continued the lie now kinda ties your hands here.

On-balance, I'd probably have told him immediately, but now you've kept up the lie it's probably for the best that it stays buried and you live looking over your shoulder, knowing that if he ever finds out, it's over. Use that as motivation to be a better wife and maybe seek help regarding what made you do this, as understanding and processing that is the only way you can absolutely ensure nothing like it will ever happen again. Try forgive yourself a bit too and not worry about the judgement of others on here. It was a mistake, you're human and it happens, you're dealing with it (just make sure you do actually deal with it), there's no reason to destroy a family over it.

ManOfMystery

There's been a few threads on here about people cheating, and any time I felt the OP expressed true remorse and it was a one-off, I've advised them to deal with the guilt, deal with the question of why they did it in the first place and not tell their partner. Telling people often happens only because we want to alleviate our own guilt, and the truth can tear them apart. I see nothing to gain from that if the OP is absolutely 100% certain it was a massive mistake and wouldn't happen again.

In this scenario however, you have a couple of third parties who your husband happens to know. I just don't see how this can have any happy ending. Sooner or later, it WILL come out. They might blurt it out. Your husband might pick up on a change in tone or an atmosphere between you all. The other couple could have issues amongst themselves or split up down the line and all could be revealed then. There could a health issue relating to STDs. They could have told other people about it and word could get round.

There's too many plausible scenarios here where your husband could find out about this from someone else.

I think you have to accept that there's no great solution here. The damage is done. The mitigating factor here now will be whether your husband finds out from someone else, or from you. His reaction will likely be the same in both scenarios, but at least if he hears it from you he will know you're telling him out of genuine guilt, rather than just admitting because you were caught out. That may be a massive factor in whether he wants to end the relationship or sees any way for it to be saved.

Big Bag of Chips

How are you, OP? We can debate here for pages and pages about tell/don't tell, but realistically you'll come to that decision yourself. It's not like you're going to count up the posts and go with the majority vote. As leggo says, for now you're the only one hurting. Tell, and you will hurt many many people. Don't tell and you live with the guilt. For some telling is selfish, for others keeping it to yourself is. But when it comes down to it you are the only one who can decide what's best in your situation. Honestly, I think in your husband's position I wouldn't want to know. It will shatter him and affect his life for ever more. I do think though that you need to cut all contact with your friend and her husband. You willingly participated, but to carry on as if nothing happened is heaping disrespect on top of what you've already done. And who's to say that with a few drinks, one or other of them won't start making little sly jokes in front of your husband, thinking it's funny and "our little secret". Or even just that knowing look between you all when you're sitting around a table. By not telling your husband you are then going to live with the unknown of whether or not it will ever get out. But I think in your position I'd take the chance (and maybe deny it down the line if it did ever come out. Dishonest? Yes. But preferable to the alternative, in my opinion)

But all that tell/don't tell bebate aside, how are you? Unfortunately, sometimes people fk up. Unfortunately sometimes people do terrible things on the people they love and who love them. It doesn't automatically make them terrible people though. You will live with this forever more. Whether or not you ever admit it, it will always be inside you. You will always have done it. But you will learn to live with it and move on from it. Some days you won't even think about it! I hope you're ok. Obviously you're not, but you will be. You did a terrible thing, but try not to let it eat you up. Decide what to do, and then accept it and live with it, whatever that decision is.

You will be ok.

Miss.RD123

Thank you for all your replies and private messages.. they have not made for easy reading. I've spoken to them face to face and it was very uncomfortable. They said that they had never done something like this before either. I was adamant that this could never happen again and they agreed.

I've refused my husband's advances a few times and it's killing me.. I haven't made love to him at all. I am getting tested tomorrow.

The guilt is eating away at me.. I can't sleep at night. I know he won't forgive me .. I'm certain of this. Some people have sent me private messages saying that the guilt will fade but I don't know.

Penny Tration

While I don't agree with keeping it from him, I think you're doing the right thing in getting tested.

I'm genuinely sorry you're feeling so awful. I've never cheated, so i can't say for sure, but I'd imagine you'll start to feel better with time.


One thing though - you need to cut contact with the friends now. I understand why you're not telling your husband, but you seriously cannot continue to disrespect him by being in contact with them. You have to end the friendship.

Seth Brundle

Before you edited your post you had mentioned how they, like you, weren't thinking.
I'm still hearing an excuse though as if you tripped up or something (and again I'm not judging).
You need to think of why you allowed this to happen. You were conscious despite any alcohol. You wanted it with them. Sure there was an element of flattery when they came onto you but no second thoughts in the few seconds after?
Also, this was not their first time and/or unplanned as the two of them appear to have been happy to proceed without any bother. If it was an impulse, you would expect one of them to have doubts.

Nonetheless, you need to figure out why you were happy to sleep with other people so easily. There was a reason for it and it's not going to go away!

Esel

To me, the advice not to tell him but to cut all contact with the couple is very contradictory. What plausible reason could be given for cutting the contact in that scenario?

Miss.RD123

kbannon wrote: »

Before you edited your post you had mentioned how they, like you, weren't thinking.
I'm still hearing an excuse though as if you tripped up or something (and again I'm not judging).
You need to think of why you allowed this to happen. You were conscious despite any alcohol. You wanted it with them. Sure there was an element of flattery when they came onto you but no second thoughts in the few seconds after?
Also, this was not their first time and/or unplanned as the two of them appear to have been happy to proceed without any bother. If it was an impulse, you would expect one of them to have doubts.

Nonetheless, you need to figure out why you were happy to sleep with other people so easily. There was a reason for it and it's not going to go away!

It was pure lust. I wasn't thinking '' this is something I need to get out of my system'', or anything else. It just happened. There was music playing and my friend was dancing. She then started taking her clothes off and it was very sexy. She looked incredible and it went from there. And judging by his reaction, I don't think it was pre-planned or anything. I was extremely aroused, I'm not even bisexual. I can't believe this happened, we're all grown up professional people in our thirties. It was just lust.

Virgil°

I think you're trapped OP. If you had cheated with some random guy you'll never see again while alone on a holiday and you deeply deeply regretted it, i might be able to agree that you should keep schtum. Even in that case I would probably be in the tell camp. But you didn't.

If you decide to keep in contact with these friends as you normally would hanging out with them and inviting them over this is a) Bordering on hateful levels of disrespect to your husband and b) probably end up in him finding out anyway.

If you decide to cut contact with them. Your husband will obviously wonder why, then you'll have to come up with a watertight lie.
There's a strong chance these friends won't go along with the lie or your husband will spot inconsistencies. You'll then be back at square one except now your husband knows youre lying for some reason.

All that said I really think the only morally right and logically sound approach here is the truth OP.

Icemancometh

Do you care about your husband? Are his feelings and experiences important to you? If you remain married for the rest of your lives, it is likely he will spend 40-50 years married to you. Do you think it is fair to him to commit in that way while you withhold the truth from him?

Xcom2

Miss.RD123 wrote: »

I was adamant that this could never happen again and they agreed.

What if they liked what they did?

You are now a pawn in their game!

The next time they feel like a bit of three way fun who are they gonna call?

Are you going to say No I dont want to do that or are you going to confess to your husband what you already did?

Just wondering,

minzabud

Your change in behavior will eventually become noticeable, maybe tell your husband you got drunk and fooled around with your female friend which led to her husband getting involved and you watched and are shocked and ashamed of your actions.

It's not an ideal solution but it may explain how you are behaving, your husband will no doubt be shocked and annoyed but him finding out about another man could completely change your life.

Esel

Xcom2 wrote: »

What if they liked what they did?

You are now a pawn in their game!

The next time they feel like a bit of three way fun who are they gonna call?

Are you going to say No I dont want to do that or are you going to confess to your husband what you already did?

Just wondering,

Wonder no more - or no less.

Taltos

Mod Note

Miss.RD123 wrote: »

.... and private messages..... Some people have sent me private messages saying that the guilt will fade but I don't know.

For very good reasons PM'ing or offering/asking to PM in PI/RI is a bannable offense.
Posters & OPs have no idea who is on the other end of a PM and someone who at first appears nice and encouraging can turn out to be someone very messed up out purely for their own purposes.

Per our charter and the separate sticky - should anyone receive a PM from someone here on foot of a thread/post please report it immediately. Posters/OPs may be banned with no option for any future posting. - this is really how serious we view this. Mod team are currently in discussion on closing this thread now.

Dr Strange

This is just an observation based on my own preconceptions/possible responses to something like this happening to me as the husband.

I know that some see it as no big deal, a mistake, get over it etc. while others see it as the ultimate betrayal. I am wondering if there is room for some degree of acceptance by your husband (only you can figure that out though as you know him best)?

By that I mean if you had "only" sex with the female friend while the male friend watched but didn't get involved with you directly. If that was the case I would probably be more forgiving to my partner. However, if the male friend was also involved (I mean fully involved with both of you) I wouldn't think I could forgive that.

So I am just wondering if there would be a degree of acceptance/forgiveness by your husband depending on the dynamics of the activities that night?

CdeC

Hey OP,

My opinion is to not tell him .
No good can come of it. you made a mistake and what's done is done.
Obviously the guilt will haunt you but look we all carry things and it will fade and you should allow it too. Just put it in it's place and move on.


Fair play on getting tested.

Big Bag of Chips

Dr. Strange, she had unprotected sex with the husband, but he didn't ejaculate in her.

Dr Strange

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Dr. Strange, she had unprotected sex with the husband, but he didn't ejaculate in her.

Thank you, I must have missed that. In that case I personally wouldn't be forgiving but would want to know so I can make a clean break. I would be upset but I wouldn't be resentful etc. just get on with my life.

If I heard about it later, even years later, though, I think I would be resentful as well as upset thinking that the last years were spent as part of a lie which could have been avoided quite early on after the cheating took place.