I cheated on my husband

JeffKenna

CdeC wrote: »

Hey OP,

My opinion is to not tell him .
No good can come of it. you made a mistake and what's done is done.
Obviously the guilt will haunt you but look we all carry things and it will fade and you should allow it too. Just put it in it's place and move on.


Fair play on getting tested.

Just to pick people up on the point that no good can come from telling her husband. There's no way anyone here can know that. If the OP tells, it will cause pain no doubt but in a few years down the line both her, her husband and kids may all be in a better place as a result (either together as a family or not).

sozbox

If you truly love the man, you'll tell him what you did and allow him the choice of continuing his life with you or not.

You don't lie to someone for the next 30 years if you love them. You lie to protect yourself and what you have.

Shint0

Without getting into the morality of the situation the OP said she found herself aroused when it happened but is adamant she doesn't consider herself bisexual and doesn't ever want to repeat it.

Once she has herself checked it might be an opportunity to explore fantasies in her marriage just with her husband which they might not have considered before. There are so many threads here where partners complain about their sex life having become stale and even nonexistent which can lead to the end of a marriage/relationship. Even people within committed relationships use porn by themselves from time to time for sexual pleasure although I appreciate this is a slightly different scenario. It would be a shame for the marriage to end if it is otherwise a generally good relationship and the OP is very apologetic and feels guilt about what she did.

Just in relation to the STD test they don't always check for herpes and where they do use a blood test to check for it it can sometimes give a false negative as it's not the most reliable compared to the swab test where there are obvious signs of infection.

Sunny Dayz

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Dr. Strange, she had unprotected sex with the husband, but he didn't ejaculate in her.

I'm sorry but I cannot see where the OP has stated this.

Shint0

I didn't see that either but when reading through the thread I did notice one of the OP's posts had been edited. I doubt BBOC would make the comment unless it had been mentioned by the OP at some stage and possibly posted before it was removed by the OP although not sure.

Big Bag of Chips

I just checked back and couldn't find it, but last night it was posted that they hadn't used protection but that she's on the pill and "he didn't 'you know' inside [her]".

Something along those lines.

Saipanne

Sunny Dayz wrote: »

I'm sorry but I cannot see where the OP has stated this.

I saw it too. Check again. She doesn't explicitly state it, she is subtle in her language.

Stealthfins

A suggestion may be to book yourself into a psychotherapist or relationship councillor and talk it out with a professional.

Maybe one which deals with sexuality,as this will fester in your head until your at a point where you will be unsure if you locked your door or turned off the oven and start forgetting day to day things.

The professional will help you through making the right decision.

I think it's best let go and just deal with your own feelings around it.

At least you'll be the one burdening the emotional turmoil,the ripple effect of a breakup could have a devastating effect on in-laws,grandparents and others.

Honesty is OK when it doesn't effect others.

I'd prefer to be oblivious to something like that.

Potatoeman

Don't you think your husband will notice you not wanting sex until the report comes back?

Would you consider getting the woman to have a theesome with your husband then telling the truth?

ManOfMystery

Potatoeman wrote: »

Don't you think your husband will notice you not wanting sex until the report comes back?

Would you consider getting the woman to have a theesome with your husband then telling the truth?

What purpose would that possibly achieve other than to make an already volatile situation even more complicated? '2 wrongs don't make a right' was never more apt.

daithi7

To be fair to the Op she is trying to do her best after a fairly big mistake. Look no-one died, nobody is pregnant, these are 3 professionals in their thirties, they can get over it. The op is getting tested, she might want to talk to a professional, she might not, I wouldn't get caught up on it, she wants to move on, and so she should imho.

Fwiw, I don't think she should tell her husband, assuming she wants to leave it behind her, then leave it be. (For posters here, this is not lying to her husband, it's not living a lie, it's not being dishonest, disingenuous or disloyal, it's simply trying to what's best for them a couple from here)

OP my advice is this

1. Get tested
2. Consider a session with a good therapist, just consider it mind (most people are someway attracted to their own gender from time to time, it doesn't mean they're necessarily bisexual with a capital B if you know what I mean)
3. Distance yourself from that couple for at least a full year, & preferably indefinitely. They should never be invited into your home, ever. (Make a few rules for yourself with them e.g. in shared company, ok, no dinner parties at theirs or yours, no dinners just together , leave them off when possible)
4. Make up to your husband in a few other ways (e.g explain you think you may have a uti or something, and make a few evenings mostly about his needs maybe. Give him a few passes to do his stuff a weekends e.g matches, friends, etc. And ensure to take him away for a nice long weekend together e.g.Oct ,after this has all blown over..... the lucky shagger )

5. Invite me to your next party !!


Okay, okay, I'm joking about 5..... well kind of! :-)

P.s. 6. Get on with your life and don't be getting hung up on one drunken flirty, kinky, fling mistake.

Shint0

Stealthfins wrote: »

A suggestion may be to book yourself into a psychotherapist or relationship councillor and talk it out with a professional.

Maybe one which deals with sexuality,as this will fester in your head until your at a point where you will be unsure if you locked your door or turned off the oven and start forgetting day to day things.

The professional will help you through making the right decision.

I'm not sure that she needs professional help for the sexual aspect of it anyway or around her sexuality. It seems she was turned on by the erotic nature of the situation which can happen. There are studies which show that women more so than men who identify as straight can be sexually aroused by erotic images where it might involve another woman.

She's quite clear she's not confused by her sexuality and has no desire to explore it further by having another threesome or sexual contact with a woman. That's my understanding of her posts. As for the guilt it's something she could probably work through on her own over time. Not every scenario requires counselling/psychotherapy.

Sunny Dayz

Shint0 wrote: »

I didn't see that either but when reading through the thread I did notice one of the OP's posts had been edited. I doubt BBOC would make the comment unless it had been mentioned by the OP at some stage and possibly posted before it was removed by the OP although not sure.

Oh gosh I wasn't suggesting that anyone made it up, I was genuinely confused as I couldn't see it anywhere (and was wondering do I need to book an eye test!). Quite possible to miss an edit when you are only reading a thread for the first time.

Seth Brundle

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Dr. Strange, she had unprotected sex with the husband, but he didn't ejaculate in her.

Dr Strange wrote: »

Thank you, I must have missed that.

It was there but since been edited out.

Peist2007

daithi7 wrote: »

To be fair to the Op she is trying to do her best after a fairly big mistake. Look no-one died, nobody is pregnant, these are 3 professionals in their thirties, they can get over it. The op is getting tested, she might want to talk to a professional, she might not, I wouldn't get caught up on it, she wants to move on, and so she should imho.

Fwiw, I don't think she should tell her husband, assuming she wants to leave it behind her, then leave it be. (For posters here, this is not lying to her husband, it's not living a lie, it's not being dishonest, disingenuous or disloyal, it's simply trying to what's best for them a couple from here)

OP my advice is this

1. Get tested
2. Consider a session with a good therapist, just consider it mind (most people are someway attracted to their own gender from time to time, it doesn't mean they're necessarily bisexual with a capital B if you know what I mean)
3. Distance yourself from that couple for at least a full year, & preferably indefinitely. They should never be invited into your home, ever. (Make a few rules for yourself with them e.g. in shared company, ok, no dinner parties at theirs or yours, no dinners just together , leave them off when possible)
4. Make up to your husband in a few other ways (e.g explain you think you may have a uti or something, and make a few evenings mostly about his needs maybe. Give him a few passes to do his stuff a weekends e.g matches, friends, etc. And ensure to take him away for a nice long weekend together e.g.Oct ,after this has all blown over..... the lucky shagger )

5. Invite me to your next party !!


Okay, okay, I'm joking about 5..... well kind of! :-)

P.s. 6. Get on with your life and don't be getting hung up on one drunken flirty, kinky, fling mistake.

So you'd be fine if your missus had a threesome with people you know and then kept it a secret from you for the next 50 years of marriage?

OP - you need to tell him. If you love him. We only get one life and you are about to ensure that hubby lives a lie for his.

Potatoeman

ManOfMystery wrote: »

What purpose would that possibly achieve other than to make an already volatile situation even more complicated? '2 wrongs don't make a right' was never more apt.

Well he gets to experience a threesome. He also gets to have sex with the wife of the man that had sex with his wife. Might sooth the ego, which would be an issue for many men.

Big Bag of Chips

And if the other man's wife doesn't want to have sex with him? Is that just tough luck for her?

Or if he doesn't want to have sex with the other woman?

It's a silly suggestion that's unlikely to work in reality.

OP, you either keep quiet or you admit everything. And live with whichever you decide.
To tell half stories will easily back fire if he confronts either of the couple

Shint0

Potatoeman wrote: »

Well he gets to experience a threesome. He also gets to have sex with the wife of the man that had sex with his wife. Might sooth the ego, which would be an issue for many men.

You can't assume that every man wants to have a threesome as some ideal fantasy or that they would view a threesome as a form of revenge. Some people are perfectly happy to have just one sexual partner. If anything, and as strange as it might seem, the whole experience has made the OP value what she has with her husband even more.

ManOfMystery

Potatoeman wrote: »

Well he gets to experience a threesome. He also gets to have sex with the wife of the man that had sex with his wife. Might sooth the ego, which would be an issue for many men.

Yes, because history has shown that the key to a trusting, stable and happy marriage is to immediately have sex with the partner of the person your wife cheated with. Good luck with that.

Potatoeman

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

And if the other man's wife doesn't want to have sex with him? Is that just tough luck for her?

Or if he doesn't want to have sex with the other woman?

It's a silly suggestion that would never work.

OP, you either keep quiet or you admit everything. And live with whichever you decide.
To tell half stories will easily back fire if he confronts either of the couple

She would ask her first. If he doesn't then she knows how he views it. The not telling doesn't seem very fair to him. Even givinging him a free pass at least means he gets to have his fun like just like the op. Why should he have to remain loyal if his partner wasn't?

daithi7

Peist2007 wrote: »

So you'd be fine if your missus had a threesome with people you know and then kept it a secret from you for the next 50 years of marriage?

OP - you need to tell him. If you love him. We only get one life and you are about to ensure that hubby lives a lie for his.

In a word, YES.

Assuming she did it for the good of our relationship and family, that she was responsible& got tested& cleared, and that it was an out of character once off drunken experiment 3some, and my wife was very regretful about it. All of which the OP has stated. If she then gave me a couple of weeks of gratuitous blow jobs, a few free passes to do my kinda stuff, and a weekend treat away to make up (for her guilt, without me knowing)......I mean how bad hey!?

Some things spouses are better off not knowing sometimes imho. This is one of them, I believe.


P.s. obviously if my spouse kept it secret from me for the next 50 years of marriage, we'd have to have been doing something right..... including not telling each other about past mistakes cos of our own personal guilt btw.

Stealthfins

Shint0 wrote:

She's quite clear she's not confused by her sexuality and has no desire to explore it further by having another threesome or sexual contact with a woman. That's my understanding of her posts. As for the guilt it's something she could probably work through on her own over time. Not every scenario requires counselling/psychotherapy.

She could go absolutely nuts or get reactive depression from this.

That's what I'm on about,not whether she's confused about her sexuality.

A therapist would help her decide what's the right thing to do.

They won't tell her they'll help her.

This poor woman must be in turmoil.

Maybe you should be unfaithful and see how your head is....

Shint0

Stealthfins wrote: »

She could go absolutely nuts or get reactive depression from this.

That's what I'm on about,not whether she's confused about her sexuality.

A therapist would help her decide what's the right thing to do.

They won't tell her they'll help her.

This poor woman must be in turmoil.

Maybe you should be unfaithful and see how your head is....

Fortunately, this thread isn't about me.

People struggle with moral dilemmas all the time. It doesn't always mean they will go 'nuts' or suffer reactive depression and counselling isn't always required for every life situation. The event is all very recent and the OP is reflecting on what happened and her behaviour in an appropriate way, in my opinion. If it still continues to bother her and cause her difficulties a few months down the line then counselling might be an appropriate course of action but I wouldn't recommend it straightaway.

Potatoeman

ManOfMystery wrote: »

Yes, because history has shown that the key to a trusting, stable and happy marriage is to immediately have sex with the partner of the person your wife cheated with. Good luck with that.

No, it's not cheating in the first place. Cheating is not a mistake, it's only a mistake in retrospect. People do it because they want to. Alcohol lowers inhibitions but it does not make you do something you don't want to.

Peist2007

daithi7 wrote: »

In a word, YES.

Assuming she did it for the good of our relationship and family, that she was responsible& got tested& cleared, and that it was an out of character once off drunken experiment 3some, and my wife was very regretful about it. All of which the OP has stated. If she then gave me a couple of weeks of gratuitous blow jobs, a few free passes to do my kinda stuff, and a weekend treat away to make up (for her guilt, without me knowing)......I mean how bad hey!?

Some things spouse's are better off not knowing sometimes imho. This is one of them, I believe.


P.s. obviously if my spouse kept it secret from me for the next 50 years of marriage, we'd have to have been doing something right..... including not telling each other about past mistakes cos of guilt btw.

But "doing it for the good of the relationship" equals the relationship being a sham. How would you know she is regretful if she keeps it from you? You'd be happy walking around with that information being kept from you? We are very different men.

wiggle16

Oh for God's sake..... half the people here are acting like the OP murdered someone. Give her a break.

It's very easy to sit behind a keyboard and say "you need to tell him and let him make the decision", because in a perfect world she tells him, he has a cry, then forgives her, they hug and the credits roll and the audience claps. It's not that simple, and it's very hard to be so principled about this situation when there is a home and more importantly children involved. The woman is obviously wracked with guilt as it is, she hasn't tried to make any excuses for herself: she knows what she did and she doesn't need to be punished or judged.

OP, I don't think you should tell your husband, for all the obvious reasons: it will only hurt him, it will do no good, and it could break up your home and end your relationship, all over one stupid mistake. There is no point and you'll hardly get any thanks for it. I really don't think you would feel any less guilty if you told him, plus you would have all the aftermath to deal with. The guilt is yours to live with for as long as it lasts (and it will become less intense over time, you haven't killed anyone!).
In terms of practical advice, you absolutely need to distance yourself from that couple completely. They are not your friends, and all three of you crossed a line. And as machiavellian as this sounds, the most important part of that distancing is this: do not put anything in writing, no texts, no facebook messages, no whatsapps explaining yourself or your decision to distance. Anything you put in writing will come back to haunt you.

Also there are people saying "oh, wouldn't it be better to hear it from you rather than them?". Nope. In principle it's better to be honest of course but the net effect will be the same. You can't control what they do but I don't think it's a good idea to tell your husband just to pre-empt them, it's not a good enough reason - and telling someone you've been unfaithful in case they find out off someone else is not honesty, it's damage control.

Ultimately it doesn't really matter what anyone says here because your own conscience is going to make the decision eventually, if you can't put it behind you then you're going to end up telling, and that simply depends upon your personality. But you should try to put it behind you as a stupid mistake that was out of character and get rid of those "friends", take tomorrow as a fresh start with your husband and family, and promise yourself not to let yourself or your family down like that again.

Good luck OP

linpoo

It's not easy for a lot of people to not say anything so you don't hurt him but you seem like the type of person who it would eat up. The truth always comes out in the end. You know the right thing to do in your gut whichever it is.

ManOfMystery

Potatoeman wrote: »

No, it's not cheating in the first place. Cheating is not a mistake, it's only a mistake in retrospect. People do it because they want to. Alcohol lowers inhibitions but it does not make you do something you don't want to.

You've kinda lost me and I really don't understand what point you're trying to make. She cheated. Dress it up how you like, she's married and engaged in extra-marital sex without her husband's blessing or knowledge. That's the definition of cheating, whether it's considered a mistake retrospectively or not.

You're pushing this titillating idea that somehow the OP's husband will jump at the chance to engage in some extra-marital fun of his own and somehow this will negate OP's actions. I really don't get your desire to promote that advice given that the vast majority of people in the position of the OP's husband would be horrified, hurt and shocked that they had been cheated on - not jumping for joy that they just got a green light to pursue some hedonism. There is nothing in the OP's post to suggest her husband would find this situation agreeable.

And for what it's worth, I'm not beating on the OP. She's in a tight spot and I wrote a lengthy post earlier trying to offer some useful advice. But at the end of the day, she did cheat - even the thread title states it for crying out loud.

bilbot79

I think it's kinda natural to let go and walk on the wild side on occasion. It's a primal instinct. Some of our nearest cousins in nature, Bonobos, are the most promiscuous species of primate out there. Sex parties left right and centre. Human behaviour seems to be a mix between chimps and bonobos ie war and sex. I know it sounds bizarre to say some thing like that but this behaviour wasn't just licked off a stone and it isn't evil incarnate. The OP shouldn't beat herself up over it and definitely shouldn't tell. I think a lot of people suggesting she tell are just putting themselves in the husbands shoes rather than the couples shoes. The OP should prioritise the relationship and not any individual within it. Besides he is simply better off not knowing. Imagine ruining two lives because some puritanical know it alls on Boards were advising you from their armchairs...pfft

horse7

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