Girlfriend loves me but doesn't seem to care

timtim45 · 14-06-2016 08:39PM #1

Hi,

Thanks for taking the time to read this, I have been with this girl 3 years. We love each other and have been through a lot.

I just have a number of issues with her, things have changed a lot over the last year and we are in better times. We had a massive fight last year and I told her I wanted to break up, she was very controlling and nasty and it just wasn't working. We worked through things and went through a really happy phase. She doesn't work and we are currently looking for to buy a house. I have a good job and work very hard, late nights etc etc but the job is good and we are lucky to have it.

Over the years she has cost me a bit of money, credit cards etc etc I have paid off debts and arrears and rent for her and she has always wound up in the same hole again.

I have approval for a mortgage but she wants a house out of our budget and the issue for me is there is no compromise she wants to chose the house, she loves telling her friends all about these houses and she has crazy unrealistic ideas about money.

I also drive and she doesn't, she doesn't have a car but I have to drive her everywhere pick her up etc I feel totally taken for granted, I have expressed this to her, she says sorry but I still end up driving etc

I have worries that when we get the mortgage she will go back to her controlling ways, everything about this relationship just stresses me, I feel like I'm going out with a 30 year old child that can't even cook or wash clothes for herself.

During her controlling period it was like being a prisoner I couldn't leave the house, I wasn't allowed to the pub with friends or work late, if I put my foot down there would be a massive screaming and crying session, she was always invited to these events but wouldn't go. If I did go out she would create this huge drama and her friends would be calling me giving out to me about a situation that was twisted.

She won't meet with my friends and when she does she's always stirring some drama, some of my friends, and being honest some of my family are not mad about her. My father never gets involved in this stuff but has asked me twice to consider my future with her.

I just feel drained I feel like this isn't fun anymore, I tried break up with her before and she kept threatening suicide.

I go to family/friends events and she is never there, I go to all her stuff,

I feel like I'm just whinging but I just feel so drained lately, I wish she could just leave the drama behind.

We are also trying for a child, we lost a baby before and during the pregnancy she threatened twice to leave, have the baby and block me from seeing it, I have asked her about this and told her that I couldn't have a baby with someone that would use something like that against me, she put it down to hormones and said she wouldn't have done that, I know myself the last part is a huge reason to try and break but part of me wants to believe its true.

I just want her to grow up

Negative_G · 14-06-2016 08:45PM

She sounds like a toxic individual. From what you said she sounds like a complete leech and shows no sign of working for the two of you.

Do not marry her.

Do not have a child with her.

Do not buy a home with her.

Its clear to see from your post that you need to cut your losses and find someone who will appreciate you and not take you for granted.

If your father can see it, its likely everyone else can as well.

bee06 · 14-06-2016 08:50PM

OP I'm going to be very honest here and it's going to sound very harsh but please think about what I've said.

This woman does not love you. A person who loves someone else wants the best for them, wants them to be happy. This woman is taking advantage of you, bleeding you dry in terms of money, time, mental health and emotional wellbeing. You haven't mentioned one way in which she adds value to your life, she just take, takes and takes some more.

If you buy a house with this woman or even worse, have a child with her you will be trapped and she will continue to drain you of everything.

If she threatens to kill herself this is just another manipulation. If she actually does it, it is still not your responsibility.

Please, please, please get away from this woman as soon as possible.

Edited to add: hormones do not make a woman tell the man she is supposed to love that she get pregnant and leave and never let you see your child. That is cruel beyond belief.

Dial Hard · 14-06-2016 08:53PM

Jesus, OP, she has you seriously brainwashed. This woman doesn't love you.

I literally cannot see a single reason in your post why you would want to stay with this woman. Even leaving aside for a minute the fact that you are completely bankrolling her - she has a history of being controlling and manupilative. She managed to rein this in a bit when it looked for a minute that you might actually leave, but I can guarantee you that the second there is a child on the scene or a wedding ring on her finger, she will revert to type and your life will be a living hell again, only this time with a hell of a lot more shackles tying you to her.

You would be absolutely touched to buy a house with, marry or have a child with this woman.

Get the hell out of there now and see any subsequent threats of suicide for what they are - the last desperate flails of a woman who is abusing you.

ellie1 · 14-06-2016 08:56PM

You need to meet this woman , break up with her immediately. If she threatens anything then inform her family. Then block her from your phone, all social media and everyway she has of contacting you. If you live with her, pack your bags and move in with family and friends.

You deserve to be happy.

DoctorBoo · 14-06-2016 09:00PM

Relationships are all about give and take. From what you have written, you are doing all the giving and she is just taking taking taking.
You work hard - she spends your money
You get a mortgage - she chooses the house
You make an effort with her family and friends - she doesn't bother with yours

You have to ask yourself what you are getting from this relationship? From an outsider's view it seems like you are getting a really raw deal. No wonder you are drained - she sounds like she is draining you financially and emotionally.

Get out. Once you got over the initial grief of losing a relationship, you be be so much happier on your own. Down the line you will meet someone else. You will be happy. This isn't a good relationship.

Story Bud? · 14-06-2016 09:29PM

Do not have a baby with this woman.

If someone makes threats like the ones she did when she was pregnant those threats will become a reality. Don't do that to yourself.

Get out now while you can. Before you have any ties to her.

This is not what love is like.

tomwaterford · 14-06-2016 09:34PM

Why are you still with her???

fima · 14-06-2016 09:35PM

Do not have bring a child into the world with this woman! Imagine what kind of mother she would be, she sounds terrible, toxic and vindictive. It's not normal to have screaming crying fits at 30 years of age. Why doesn't she work?

RoyalMarine · 14-06-2016 09:38PM

If you value any happiness for your future just leave. She's toxic.

I'd give it 2 years. She'll have the baby, and you will be in a 1 bed apartment or living with your dad paying for the house for her and your child. With very controlled and nightmare arrangements for visitations.

Walk away. Run away. Drive away. Just leave her.

Penny Tration · 14-06-2016 09:46PM

OP, I'll use the word that hasn't been used yet - abuse.

You are being abused.

This woman abused you emotionally with all of the controlling behavior.

Now she's abusing you financially. These are forms of domestic abuse.

Then she threatens you with an unborn child, then threatens suicide. If she wanted to kill herself, she'd do it, not just threaten it.

Abuse isn't always hitting someone. What you're experiencing is abuse.

Please contact AMEN to discuss this and develop an escape plan. This will include things like having a 'go bag,' which is a bag containing your essential belongings (passport, social security card, birth certificate, etc), that will be packed and ready to grab when you go.

If she threatens suicide, call the Gardai. I've had to do this before. they'll do a wellness check and if they believe she's a danger to herself, they'll call an ambulance. More likely, she's using it to manipulate you, in which case they'll leave her be and call you to say she's fine (that's what happened in my case!).

She's abusing you. Please do not have sex with her. you don't want to be tied to this scumbag for another 18+ years.

Call AMEN. Make an escape plan, and be free.

timtim45 · 14-06-2016 10:02PM

She does intend to work and has been looking and she does intend to pay half the mortgage when she's working.

The thing about the baby was only said twice during the pregnancy and I want to believe that she wouldn't go through with it.

She is a good person but she just doesn't seem to have an awareness for other people and I do notice she takes a lot of people for granted.

She has come around a bit on the mortgage and is more inclined to listen to what I want but I do feel it lacks a lot of compromise on her part, it doesn't stop her having crazy wants.

I don't even know how I would go about breaking up with her or if I could find someone else if I did. When I met her I had very poor confidence, I am a totally difference person now in that respect, I feel like I can't relax and as soon as I'm around her my stress levels go right up. Someones I feel maybe I have too much expectations

Last year, and just to mention I have never cheated, a girl I was friends with asked me out on a date, I was a bit shocked and didn't expect it from someone like her but turned her down as I have a girlfriend, I don't know if this girl was aware I was seeing someone. I just kept thinking afterwards what it would be like to have a girl like her, so calm and fun, but it was the relaxed vibe I really would like to have. I just feel I have to be careful how I word things with my girl, I know in the last month I have been extremely angry sometimes initiating arguements, sometimes I just wish she'd break up with me, usually the arguements are about her expecting things from me or taking me for granted, if I have her on the ropes she either cries or accuses me of out of proportion things. I am changing, I just feel negative and on my own.

Penny Tration · 14-06-2016 10:05PM

OP, you're saying you don't know if you could leave her. you're also saying she "only" threatened you with your child twice. A normal healthy woman wouldn't threaten it once!

If you're unsure about leaving her, can you do one small thing? Can you call AMEN? Can you just call them and talk to them? They're totally unbiased and talking could help you. It's just one phone call, could you do that?

Taltos · 14-06-2016 10:08PM

OP

This is only going to end one way.
She'll get her house and her baby. Then you'll be dumped and forced to pay for her life, her house, her kid.

Seriously I know you're scared but call amen and don't even consider having sex with her one more time. Not once. And if she does get pregnant soon after you split or talk about splitting get a paternity test.

batmanrobin · 14-06-2016 10:11PM

Christ!! Get out, OP. Get out now! Before this horrible woman traps you in a living nightmare! You think it's bad now? Wait until you have a child with her. You will be ground down by her then; more than you are now.

Everyone in your world can see what she is like. We can see it and you can see it. End things with her.

Oh and by the way, people like her will NEVER commit suicide. It's a tactic to manipulate you into staying in the relationship.

Please, please do not allow her to be the mother of your child. Any child you have deserves so much better than a mother like her.

Penny Tration · 14-06-2016 10:11PM

0469023718

That's the number for AMEN. Please call them OP, when she isn't around.

Lavinia · 14-06-2016 10:15PM

Been in an abusive relationship and stayed in for 5 years. Best decision was to leavr in the end but only when I couldn't stand it anymore in any way.
You do not have to reach the bottom of the bottom. It will hurt like hell, but you will find a better way, better life. Different life.
I wish you all the best.

Alf Veedersane · 14-06-2016 10:20PM

timtim45 wrote: »

She does intend to work and has been looking and she does intend to pay half the mortgage when she's working.

The thing about the baby was only said twice during the pregnancy and I want to believe that she wouldn't go through with it.

She is a good person but she just doesn't seem to have an awareness for other people and I do notice she takes a lot of people for granted.

She has come around a bit on the mortgage and is more inclined to listen to what I want but I do feel it lacks a lot of compromise on her part, it doesn't stop her having crazy wants.

I don't even know how I would go about breaking up with her or if I could find someone else if I did. When I met her I had very poor confidence, I am a totally difference person now in that respect, I feel like I can't relax and as soon as I'm around her my stress levels go right up. Someones I feel maybe I have too much expectations

Last year, and just to mention I have never cheated, a girl I was friends with asked me out on a date, I was a bit shocked and didn't expect it from someone like her but turned her down as I have a girlfriend, I don't know if this girl was aware I was seeing someone. I just kept thinking afterwards what it would be like to have a girl like her, so calm and fun, but it was the relaxed vibe I really would like to have. I just feel I have to be careful how I word things with my girl, I know in the last month I have been extremely angry sometimes initiating arguements, sometimes I just wish she'd break up with me, usually the arguements are about her expecting things from me or taking me for granted, if I have her on the ropes she either cries or accuses me of out of proportion things. I am changing, I just feel negative and on my own.

It always reads as though you add in the positive bits about her out of guilt after you've said what you feel.

There's not one part of anything you've said that makes me think it will end well of you stay with her.

You need to start making an exit plan. Yes, it sounds cold and calculated but it's what's needed because otherwise you'll be manipulated. Again.

You need to put yourself and your future happiness first.

kazmcdonald · 14-06-2016 10:25PM

I'm actually in tears reading this!

Get out while you can! She might love you but certainly doesn't respect you or the relationship! A relationship is about give and take. Clearly she is doing all the taking! YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER!

As for finding someone else I get the impression from the way you are talking that you are very considerate, caring, committed etc and would be snapped up in a second (I'm single)

The baby thing would be a big mistake. It's already a toxic place for you - bringing a baby into that would be terrible.

I really hope you get sorted!

dellas1979 · 14-06-2016 10:28PM

timtim45 wrote: »

When I met her I had very poor confidence, I am a totally difference person now in that respect

Look, being in a relationship (any relationship) will not help your own self confidence. Let alone in a relationship like yours. That's something that comes from you (not someone else).

I would go so far as to say, OP, your confidence is rock bottom. And you need to see the wood for the trees (which is very hard when in a situation) and step back.

At most, I would advise you, literally, to put a cap on trying for a baby (a baby and a house will not fix anything). You shouldn't be trying, if you are having doubts.

She sounds very immature and insecure. Those are her things to work on. You cant fix that either (again, only her) But, right now, you are enabling her behaviour.

And finally, for the love of God, please don't stay in an unhappy relationship/baby/marriage (one is which is for life, the other, you'll pay for the rest of your life), just because you are scared to be on your own, or "wont find anyone." Sounds like you've a few things to work on too!

Witcher · 14-06-2016 11:04PM

timtim45 wrote: »

She does intend to work and has been looking and she does intend to pay half the mortgage when she's working.

Isn't that nice.

She won't need to pay it when she has a baby and fcuks you out on the street.

Get rid.

Skibunny77 · 14-06-2016 11:07PM

OP, I'd really really encourage you to see a counsellor and get support around this. You sound like a lovely, responsible, kind hearted person, perhaps blinkered into thinking that this is your only chance for love (it clearly isn't, you've been asked out). I think it would be completely unfair to bring a child into a relationship like this - are you prepared to subject a child to these kind of irrational behaviours? The reality is, your gf relates to the world in the way you have described - by isolating you from your life, by being manipulative and twisting things to suit her agenda (ie how threatening to bar you from your child turned into it was my hormones). She will not suddenly morph into an emotionally stable or intelligent adult upon giving birth and your child would be subjected to the same petty, jealous behaviours. This girl puts her own needs first. A counsellor would help you think this out for yourself. Please don't be kicking yourself in five years time saying I wish I'd listened to my dad, there's a huge part of you right now which recognises that you are entitled to the kind of relationship you've been daydreaming about.

Ursus Horribilis · 14-06-2016 11:10PM

OP, there are straight from AMEN's website http://www.amen.ie/q_and_a.html#1 Please read them. I hope you can find it within yourself to give them a call at 046 9023 718. Calling them isn't committing to anything

What is Domestic Abuse?

Domestic abuse includes all kinds of physical, sexual, mental, financial and emotional abuse within an intimate relationship. Domestic Abuse can happen to anyone, male or female, It is often overlooked, excused, and denied. This is especially true when the abuse is psychological, rather than physical. Emotional abuse is often minimised, yet it can have a lasting effect.

Noticing and acknowledging the warning signs and symptoms of domestic abuse is the first step to ending it. No person should live in fear of another person. There is help available.

To determine whether your relationship is abusive, answer the questions below. The more "yes" answers, the more likely it is that you're in an abusive relationship.

What are the signs to look out for ?

Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings

Do you:
feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
feel that you can't do anything right for your partner?
believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
wonder if you're the one who is crazy?
feel emotionally numb or helpless?

Your Partner's Belittling Behaviour

Does your partner:
humiliate or yell at you?
criticise you and put you down?
treat you so badly that you're embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
blame you for her own abusive behaviour?
see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

Your Partner's Absusive Behaviour or Threats

Does your partner:
have a bad and unpredictable temper?
hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
threaten to take your children away or harm them?
threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
force you to have sex?
destroy your belongings?

Your Partner's Controlling Behaviour

Does your partner:
act excessively jealous and possessive?
control where you go or what you do?
keep you from seeing your friends or family?
limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
constantly check up on you?

pablo128 · 14-06-2016 11:48PM

I personally went out with someone similar for 2.5 years. She had me thinking I was supposed to be thankful to be going out with her, and straight out to my face told me no one else would have me.

I know another guy who's missus couldn't wait to have the house and the ring on her finger. Within months of the wedding he was living back home with his folks paying for her, 4 kids, a mortgage and a 25k loan for the wedding. And she won't let him see the kids either.

Make your excuses mate, and get out of there.

Sound Bite · 15-06-2016 12:00AM

OP, you need to leave her before she drags you down any further. You cannot be happy living like this.

Some times a person is so Involved in a situation and so used to a situation that it becomes normal. It's no fault of your own but it's very obvious to everyone, strangers here and your dad who I'm sure only wants the best for you.

Please go now, she seems unstable. Stop sleeping with her. It would be so wrong to bring a child into a relationship like this.

You may not see it now but your life will chance so much in a positive way.

dudara · 15-06-2016 09:55AM

I have removed a post as it was not contributing any advice to the OP. This is a reminder to all posters that posts should be helpful, constructive and offer advice to the OP. Please read the forum charter if you are unsure

dudara

XsApollo · 15-06-2016 10:21AM

If you are having these issues now.
Do not buy a house , do not have a child and do not marry her.

Once your both tied into all those things it gets harder and very difficult to make a decision to leave or break up in the future.

She also sounds like a woman that could use those things as weapons against you if your relationship ever went bad in the future.

They are usually the biggest decisions in people's lives,
House
Marriage
Kids.
And also the most stressful at certain periods.
If she is like that now , you don't want to be with her when ye have all of the above, she will make your life hell.

And in 10 years if you want to break up ,
You will have to possibly leave your kids and your house behind and it ain't easy.

Leave her now.

ChampagnePop · 15-06-2016 12:18PM

Please don't bring a baby into this broken relationship, can't you see how wrong that is?

osarusan · 15-06-2016 12:22PM

Leave. Leave now. She's either just a horrible person or a person with serious problems.

Don't even consider buying a house or having a child with her.

Wesser · 15-06-2016 12:28PM

Plus one to all previous posts
In addition I would say, do not be afraid of being single for a while. Being single is sometimes great you can do whatever you want. And do not think that you will not meet someone new.... You are a highly desirable, kind hearted intelligent man who has a job! Omg you are the perfect package!! You will definitely meet someone lovely who deserves you!!! There are loads of lovely women out there who would love to meet you!!!

homerjay2005 · 15-06-2016 12:32PM

timtim45 wrote: »

She does intend to work and has been looking and she does intend to pay half the mortgage when she's working.

ha ha, ya right.

once she gets into the house that you will pay for, she will probably end up pregnant and then, thats the last she will ever entertain of her working.

based off what you have said, she seems one of the worst parasites that has been described on here by anybody.i think if you asked 100 people about a future with this girl, 99 of them would say there is none.

save yourself the inevitable headache now and get rid, before you enter into buying a house which you will then inevitably lose to her, despite paying for it on your own.

also, i would think this girl has serious emotional issues and needs some help from professionals.

Girlfriend loves me but doesn't seem to care

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