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Girlfriend loves me but doesn't seem to care

  • 14-06-2016 7:39pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2


    Hi,

    Thanks for taking the time to read this, I have been with this girl 3 years. We love each other and have been through a lot.

    I just have a number of issues with her, things have changed a lot over the last year and we are in better times. We had a massive fight last year and I told her I wanted to break up, she was very controlling and nasty and it just wasn't working. We worked through things and went through a really happy phase. She doesn't work and we are currently looking for to buy a house. I have a good job and work very hard, late nights etc etc but the job is good and we are lucky to have it.

    Over the years she has cost me a bit of money, credit cards etc etc I have paid off debts and arrears and rent for her and she has always wound up in the same hole again.

    I have approval for a mortgage but she wants a house out of our budget and the issue for me is there is no compromise she wants to chose the house, she loves telling her friends all about these houses and she has crazy unrealistic ideas about money.

    I also drive and she doesn't, she doesn't have a car but I have to drive her everywhere pick her up etc I feel totally taken for granted, I have expressed this to her, she says sorry but I still end up driving etc

    I have worries that when we get the mortgage she will go back to her controlling ways, everything about this relationship just stresses me, I feel like I'm going out with a 30 year old child that can't even cook or wash clothes for herself.

    During her controlling period it was like being a prisoner I couldn't leave the house, I wasn't allowed to the pub with friends or work late, if I put my foot down there would be a massive screaming and crying session, she was always invited to these events but wouldn't go. If I did go out she would create this huge drama and her friends would be calling me giving out to me about a situation that was twisted.

    She won't meet with my friends and when she does she's always stirring some drama, some of my friends, and being honest some of my family are not mad about her. My father never gets involved in this stuff but has asked me twice to consider my future with her.

    I just feel drained I feel like this isn't fun anymore, I tried break up with her before and she kept threatening suicide.

    I go to family/friends events and she is never there, I go to all her stuff,

    I feel like I'm just whinging but I just feel so drained lately, I wish she could just leave the drama behind.

    We are also trying for a child, we lost a baby before and during the pregnancy she threatened twice to leave, have the baby and block me from seeing it, I have asked her about this and told her that I couldn't have a baby with someone that would use something like that against me, she put it down to hormones and said she wouldn't have done that, I know myself the last part is a huge reason to try and break but part of me wants to believe its true.

    I just want her to grow up


«1

Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,363 ✭✭✭Negative_G


    She sounds like a toxic individual. From what you said she sounds like a complete leech and shows no sign of working for the two of you.

    Do not marry her.

    Do not have a child with her.

    Do not buy a home with her.

    Its clear to see from your post that you need to cut your losses and find someone who will appreciate you and not take you for granted.

    If your father can see it, its likely everyone else can as well.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,514 ✭✭✭bee06


    OP I'm going to be very honest here and it's going to sound very harsh but please think about what I've said.

    This woman does not love you. A person who loves someone else wants the best for them, wants them to be happy. This woman is taking advantage of you, bleeding you dry in terms of money, time, mental health and emotional wellbeing. You haven't mentioned one way in which she adds value to your life, she just take, takes and takes some more.

    If you buy a house with this woman or even worse, have a child with her you will be trapped and she will continue to drain you of everything.

    If she threatens to kill herself this is just another manipulation. If she actually does it, it is still not your responsibility.

    Please, please, please get away from this woman as soon as possible.

    Edited to add: hormones do not make a woman tell the man she is supposed to love that she get pregnant and leave and never let you see your child. That is cruel beyond belief.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,234 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    Jesus, OP, she has you seriously brainwashed. This woman doesn't love you.

    I literally cannot see a single reason in your post why you would want to stay with this woman. Even leaving aside for a minute the fact that you are completely bankrolling her - she has a history of being controlling and manupilative. She managed to rein this in a bit when it looked for a minute that you might actually leave, but I can guarantee you that the second there is a child on the scene or a wedding ring on her finger, she will revert to type and your life will be a living hell again, only this time with a hell of a lot more shackles tying you to her.

    You would be absolutely touched to buy a house with, marry or have a child with this woman.

    Get the hell out of there now and see any subsequent threats of suicide for what they are - the last desperate flails of a woman who is abusing you.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 360 ✭✭ellie1


    You need to meet this woman , break up with her immediately. If she threatens anything then inform her family. Then block her from your phone, all social media and everyway she has of contacting you. If you live with her, pack your bags and move in with family and friends.

    You deserve to be happy.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 184 ✭✭DoctorBoo


    Relationships are all about give and take. From what you have written, you are doing all the giving and she is just taking taking taking.
    You work hard - she spends your money
    You get a mortgage - she chooses the house
    You make an effort with her family and friends - she doesn't bother with yours

    You have to ask yourself what you are getting from this relationship? From an outsider's view it seems like you are getting a really raw deal. No wonder you are drained - she sounds like she is draining you financially and emotionally.

    Get out. Once you got over the initial grief of losing a relationship, you be be so much happier on your own. Down the line you will meet someone else. You will be happy. This isn't a good relationship.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,043 ✭✭✭Story Bud?


    Do not have a baby with this woman.

    If someone makes threats like the ones she did when she was pregnant those threats will become a reality. Don't do that to yourself.

    Get out now while you can. Before you have any ties to her.

    This is not what love is like.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 16,768 ✭✭✭✭tomwaterford


    Why are you still with her???


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 338 ✭✭fima


    Do not have bring a child into the world with this woman! Imagine what kind of mother she would be, she sounds terrible, toxic and vindictive. It's not normal to have screaming crying fits at 30 years of age. Why doesn't she work?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,824 ✭✭✭RoyalMarine


    If you value any happiness for your future just leave. She's toxic.

    I'd give it 2 years. She'll have the baby, and you will be in a 1 bed apartment or living with your dad paying for the house for her and your child. With very controlled and nightmare arrangements for visitations.

    Walk away. Run away. Drive away. Just leave her.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭Penny Tration


    OP, I'll use the word that hasn't been used yet - abuse.

    You are being abused.

    This woman abused you emotionally with all of the controlling behavior.

    Now she's abusing you financially. These are forms of domestic abuse.

    Then she threatens you with an unborn child, then threatens suicide. If she wanted to kill herself, she'd do it, not just threaten it.


    Abuse isn't always hitting someone. What you're experiencing is abuse.


    Please contact AMEN to discuss this and develop an escape plan. This will include things like having a 'go bag,' which is a bag containing your essential belongings (passport, social security card, birth certificate, etc), that will be packed and ready to grab when you go.


    If she threatens suicide, call the Gardai. I've had to do this before. they'll do a wellness check and if they believe she's a danger to herself, they'll call an ambulance. More likely, she's using it to manipulate you, in which case they'll leave her be and call you to say she's fine (that's what happened in my case!).



    She's abusing you. Please do not have sex with her. you don't want to be tied to this scumbag for another 18+ years.


    Call AMEN. Make an escape plan, and be free.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2 timtim45


    She does intend to work and has been looking and she does intend to pay half the mortgage when she's working.

    The thing about the baby was only said twice during the pregnancy and I want to believe that she wouldn't go through with it.

    She is a good person but she just doesn't seem to have an awareness for other people and I do notice she takes a lot of people for granted.

    She has come around a bit on the mortgage and is more inclined to listen to what I want but I do feel it lacks a lot of compromise on her part, it doesn't stop her having crazy wants.

    I don't even know how I would go about breaking up with her or if I could find someone else if I did. When I met her I had very poor confidence, I am a totally difference person now in that respect, I feel like I can't relax and as soon as I'm around her my stress levels go right up. Someones I feel maybe I have too much expectations

    Last year, and just to mention I have never cheated, a girl I was friends with asked me out on a date, I was a bit shocked and didn't expect it from someone like her but turned her down as I have a girlfriend, I don't know if this girl was aware I was seeing someone. I just kept thinking afterwards what it would be like to have a girl like her, so calm and fun, but it was the relaxed vibe I really would like to have. I just feel I have to be careful how I word things with my girl, I know in the last month I have been extremely angry sometimes initiating arguements, sometimes I just wish she'd break up with me, usually the arguements are about her expecting things from me or taking me for granted, if I have her on the ropes she either cries or accuses me of out of proportion things. I am changing, I just feel negative and on my own.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭Penny Tration


    OP, you're saying you don't know if you could leave her. you're also saying she "only" threatened you with your child twice. A normal healthy woman wouldn't threaten it once!


    If you're unsure about leaving her, can you do one small thing? Can you call AMEN? Can you just call them and talk to them? They're totally unbiased and talking could help you. It's just one phone call, could you do that?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    OP

    This is only going to end one way.
    She'll get her house and her baby. Then you'll be dumped and forced to pay for her life, her house, her kid.

    Seriously I know you're scared but call amen and don't even consider having sex with her one more time. Not once. And if she does get pregnant soon after you split or talk about splitting get a paternity test.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 385 ✭✭batmanrobin


    Christ!! Get out, OP. Get out now! Before this horrible woman traps you in a living nightmare! You think it's bad now? Wait until you have a child with her. You will be ground down by her then; more than you are now.

    Everyone in your world can see what she is like. We can see it and you can see it. End things with her.

    Oh and by the way, people like her will NEVER commit suicide. It's a tactic to manipulate you into staying in the relationship.

    Please, please do not allow her to be the mother of your child. Any child you have deserves so much better than a mother like her.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭Penny Tration


    0469023718



    That's the number for AMEN. Please call them OP, when she isn't around.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,089 ✭✭✭Lavinia


    Been in an abusive relationship and stayed in for 5 years. Best decision was to leavr in the end but only when I couldn't stand it anymore in any way.
    You do not have to reach the bottom of the bottom. It will hurt like hell, but you will find a better way, better life. Different life.
    I wish you all the best.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 24,694 ✭✭✭✭Alf Veedersane


    timtim45 wrote: »
    She does intend to work and has been looking and she does intend to pay half the mortgage when she's working.

    The thing about the baby was only said twice during the pregnancy and I want to believe that she wouldn't go through with it.

    She is a good person but she just doesn't seem to have an awareness for other people and I do notice she takes a lot of people for granted.

    She has come around a bit on the mortgage and is more inclined to listen to what I want but I do feel it lacks a lot of compromise on her part, it doesn't stop her having crazy wants.

    I don't even know how I would go about breaking up with her or if I could find someone else if I did. When I met her I had very poor confidence, I am a totally difference person now in that respect, I feel like I can't relax and as soon as I'm around her my stress levels go right up. Someones I feel maybe I have too much expectations

    Last year, and just to mention I have never cheated, a girl I was friends with asked me out on a date, I was a bit shocked and didn't expect it from someone like her but turned her down as I have a girlfriend, I don't know if this girl was aware I was seeing someone. I just kept thinking afterwards what it would be like to have a girl like her, so calm and fun, but it was the relaxed vibe I really would like to have. I just feel I have to be careful how I word things with my girl, I know in the last month I have been extremely angry sometimes initiating arguements, sometimes I just wish she'd break up with me, usually the arguements are about her expecting things from me or taking me for granted, if I have her on the ropes she either cries or accuses me of out of proportion things. I am changing, I just feel negative and on my own.

    It always reads as though you add in the positive bits about her out of guilt after you've said what you feel.

    There's not one part of anything you've said that makes me think it will end well of you stay with her.

    You need to start making an exit plan. Yes, it sounds cold and calculated but it's what's needed because otherwise you'll be manipulated. Again.

    You need to put yourself and your future happiness first.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 62 ✭✭kazmcdonald


    I'm actually in tears reading this!

    Get out while you can! She might love you but certainly doesn't respect you or the relationship! A relationship is about give and take. Clearly she is doing all the taking! YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER!

    As for finding someone else I get the impression from the way you are talking that you are very considerate, caring, committed etc and would be snapped up in a second (I'm single) ;)

    The baby thing would be a big mistake. It's already a toxic place for you - bringing a baby into that would be terrible.

    I really hope you get sorted!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,128 ✭✭✭dellas1979


    timtim45 wrote: »
    When I met her I had very poor confidence, I am a totally difference person now in that respect

    Look, being in a relationship (any relationship) will not help your own self confidence. Let alone in a relationship like yours. That's something that comes from you (not someone else).

    I would go so far as to say, OP, your confidence is rock bottom. And you need to see the wood for the trees (which is very hard when in a situation) and step back.

    At most, I would advise you, literally, to put a cap on trying for a baby (a baby and a house will not fix anything). You shouldn't be trying, if you are having doubts.

    She sounds very immature and insecure. Those are her things to work on. You cant fix that either (again, only her) But, right now, you are enabling her behaviour.

    And finally, for the love of God, please don't stay in an unhappy relationship/baby/marriage (one is which is for life, the other, you'll pay for the rest of your life), just because you are scared to be on your own, or "wont find anyone." Sounds like you've a few things to work on too!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,824 ✭✭✭✭Witcher


    timtim45 wrote: »
    She does intend to work and has been looking and she does intend to pay half the mortgage when she's working.

    Isn't that nice.

    She won't need to pay it when she has a baby and fcuks you out on the street.

    Get rid.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 217 ✭✭Skibunny77


    OP, I'd really really encourage you to see a counsellor and get support around this. You sound like a lovely, responsible, kind hearted person, perhaps blinkered into thinking that this is your only chance for love (it clearly isn't, you've been asked out). I think it would be completely unfair to bring a child into a relationship like this - are you prepared to subject a child to these kind of irrational behaviours? The reality is, your gf relates to the world in the way you have described - by isolating you from your life, by being manipulative and twisting things to suit her agenda (ie how threatening to bar you from your child turned into it was my hormones). She will not suddenly morph into an emotionally stable or intelligent adult upon giving birth and your child would be subjected to the same petty, jealous behaviours. This girl puts her own needs first. A counsellor would help you think this out for yourself. Please don't be kicking yourself in five years time saying I wish I'd listened to my dad, there's a huge part of you right now which recognises that you are entitled to the kind of relationship you've been daydreaming about.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    OP, there are straight from AMEN's website http://www.amen.ie/q_and_a.html#1 Please read them. I hope you can find it within yourself to give them a call at 046 9023 718. Calling them isn't committing to anything

    What is Domestic Abuse?

    Domestic abuse includes all kinds of physical, sexual, mental, financial and emotional abuse within an intimate relationship. Domestic Abuse can happen to anyone, male or female, It is often overlooked, excused, and denied. This is especially true when the abuse is psychological, rather than physical. Emotional abuse is often minimised, yet it can have a lasting effect.

    Noticing and acknowledging the warning signs and symptoms of domestic abuse is the first step to ending it. No person should live in fear of another person. There is help available.

    To determine whether your relationship is abusive, answer the questions below. The more "yes" answers, the more likely it is that you're in an abusive relationship.

    What are the signs to look out for ?

    Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings

    Do you:
    feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
    avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
    feel that you can't do anything right for your partner?
    believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
    wonder if you're the one who is crazy?
    feel emotionally numb or helpless?

    Your Partner's Belittling Behaviour

    Does your partner:
    humiliate or yell at you?
    criticise you and put you down?
    treat you so badly that you're embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
    ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
    blame you for her own abusive behaviour?
    see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

    Your Partner's Absusive Behaviour or Threats

    Does your partner:
    have a bad and unpredictable temper?
    hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
    threaten to take your children away or harm them?
    threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
    force you to have sex?
    destroy your belongings?

    Your Partner's Controlling Behaviour

    Does your partner:
    act excessively jealous and possessive?
    control where you go or what you do?
    keep you from seeing your friends or family?
    limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
    constantly check up on you?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,219 ✭✭✭pablo128


    I personally went out with someone similar for 2.5 years. She had me thinking I was supposed to be thankful to be going out with her, and straight out to my face told me no one else would have me.

    I know another guy who's missus couldn't wait to have the house and the ring on her finger. Within months of the wedding he was living back home with his folks paying for her, 4 kids, a mortgage and a 25k loan for the wedding. And she won't let him see the kids either.

    Make your excuses mate, and get out of there.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 788 ✭✭✭Sound Bite


    OP, you need to leave her before she drags you down any further. You cannot be happy living like this.

    Some times a person is so Involved in a situation and so used to a situation that it becomes normal. It's no fault of your own but it's very obvious to everyone, strangers here and your dad who I'm sure only wants the best for you.

    Please go now, she seems unstable. Stop sleeping with her. It would be so wrong to bring a child into a relationship like this.

    You may not see it now but your life will chance so much in a positive way.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 33,518 ✭✭✭✭dudara


    I have removed a post as it was not contributing any advice to the OP. This is a reminder to all posters that posts should be helpful, constructive and offer advice to the OP. Please read the forum charter if you are unsure

    dudara


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,516 ✭✭✭XsApollo


    If you are having these issues now.
    Do not buy a house , do not have a child and do not marry her.

    Once your both tied into all those things it gets harder and very difficult to make a decision to leave or break up in the future.

    She also sounds like a woman that could use those things as weapons against you if your relationship ever went bad in the future.

    They are usually the biggest decisions in people's lives,
    House
    Marriage
    Kids.
    And also the most stressful at certain periods.
    If she is like that now , you don't want to be with her when ye have all of the above, she will make your life hell.

    And in 10 years if you want to break up ,
    You will have to possibly leave your kids and your house behind and it ain't easy.

    Leave her now.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 501 ✭✭✭ChampagnePop


    Please don't bring a baby into this broken relationship, can't you see how wrong that is?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 16,734 ✭✭✭✭osarusan


    Leave. Leave now. She's either just a horrible person or a person with serious problems.

    Don't even consider buying a house or having a child with her.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,813 ✭✭✭Wesser


    Plus one to all previous posts
    In addition I would say, do not be afraid of being single for a while. Being single is sometimes great you can do whatever you want. And do not think that you will not meet someone new.... You are a highly desirable, kind hearted intelligent man who has a job! Omg you are the perfect package!! You will definitely meet someone lovely who deserves you!!! There are loads of lovely women out there who would love to meet you!!!


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 29,346 ✭✭✭✭homerjay2005


    timtim45 wrote: »
    She does intend to work and has been looking and she does intend to pay half the mortgage when she's working.

    ha ha, ya right.

    once she gets into the house that you will pay for, she will probably end up pregnant and then, thats the last she will ever entertain of her working.

    based off what you have said, she seems one of the worst parasites that has been described on here by anybody.i think if you asked 100 people about a future with this girl, 99 of them would say there is none.

    save yourself the inevitable headache now and get rid, before you enter into buying a house which you will then inevitably lose to her, despite paying for it on your own.

    also, i would think this girl has serious emotional issues and needs some help from professionals.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,607 ✭✭✭Meauldsegosha


    timtim45 wrote: »
    ... sometimes I just wish she'd break up with me, ...

    She is never going to break up with you because you are her meal ticket. You have cleared off her debt and paid her rent for her. If you want this relationship to end you will have to end it. Please listen to the very good advice on this thread and get away from this woman as fast as you can.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 44 ellejola14


    Hi OP,

    I've been where you are now. I was in a very similar situation, If not worse. It was a living hell. I was constantly upset and unhappy. I knew I was being emotionally abused but I couldn't find the strength to finish the relationship. He had alienated me from my family and controlled my money.. even taking charge of my bank account and atm card. He controlled who I spoke to, who I met and what I wore. I was a wreck. With a lot of support from my friends and family I finally packed my bags one evening he wasn't there and left. It was the hardest thing to do as I was so scared of what he might do or say. I ended up having to hire a solicitor in order to get all my processions and money back and it was a rough road for quite a while but I can now say that it was the best decision on my life. I changed from the moment I walked out that door. I felt a huge weight had been lifted and that I could breath again. I wasn't afraid anymore, I didn't have to look over my shoulder to see was he there watching me. That was 5 years ago.
    Today I am now engaged to a wonderful man and due to get married in another few months.
    Please don't waste time in staying with this girl.. you will never be happy, and bringing a baby into something so volatile is the worst possible thing you can do.
    You sound like a very genuine and lovely person and you deserve so much better than this. Living on egg shells is not a way of life. Don't be afraid to be single, take it as a chance to spend time on yourself and enjoy living again. Someday when you least expect it you will meet someone else and you will see what it is like to be in a true, loving and respectful relationship.
    Take the advice from all the other posters, Life is too short and you only get one go at living it.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 10,070 ✭✭✭✭pq0n1ct4ve8zf5


    Can't really say more than has been said OP, get out. I hope you have called AMEN.

    Also, I hope I'm just being over cautious, but if she has any access to your devices delete your history. She seems like the type who could check what you've been up to, and she'll not be happy if she sees this thread. Try and not let her get you on the back foot at all, when you start trying to leave her there's going to be big dramatics.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,990 ✭✭✭nhunter100


    timtim45 wrote:
    We are also trying for a child, we lost a baby before and during the pregnancy she threatened twice to leave, have the baby and block me from seeing it, I have asked her about this and told her that I couldn't have a baby with someone that would use something like that against me, she put it down to hormones and said she wouldn't have done that, I know myself the last part is a huge reason to try and break but part of me wants to believe its true.


    Run...run away now. She is not worth the effort. Find someone who both loves and respects you.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,515 ✭✭✭zcorpian88


    Jump ship OP, she is a leech and a headcase going by your story, you poor bugger.

    I'm sure there are bits and pieces you like about her but the cons outweigh the pro's on this one.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,417 ✭✭✭WinnyThePoo


    Also op. If your girlfriend is ever going grow mature and stop being so selfish. The only way that's going to happen if you part ways.

    She needs to grow and figure herself on her own. If you continue down the path your going your only going to enable her behaviour . A baby and a house wont change that.

    You deserve to be happy. Yes it's going to hurt. It's going to be mucky. In the long run you won't regret it.

    Please call ahem as suggested above.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    We are also trying for a child, we lost a baby before and during the pregnancy she threatened twice to leave, have the baby and block me from seeing it, I have asked her about this and told her that I couldn't have a baby with someone that would use something like that against me, she put it down to hormones and said she wouldn't have done that, I know myself the last part is a huge reason to try and break but part of me wants to believe .

    It has often been said here that when someone tells you who they are, you should listen. You have been told, very very clearly, unambiguously, EXACTLY what's in store for you. You don't really believe that hormones yarn now, do you?

    If you were my brother I would be frantic with worry. It's so hard to sit by and watch someone you love being manipulated in this way. Nobody ever wants to interfere in another person's relationship so for your father to have spoken up like this is a big big thing. Would you consider talking to him?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,004 ✭✭✭✭Realt Dearg Sec


    I'd be very worried about your follow up post OP, there's a lot of cognitive dissonance in there and self blame, and rationalisations what is absolutely inexcusable. Stop saying she loves you. You judge love by someone's actual actions towards you, not the nice things they say. It is clear as the driven snow that you can see the truth but aren't willing to face it. That's understandable because what you have to do is difficult.

    That's why you said you wished she'd break up with you. Because that would save you having to make all the tough moves. Sorry, though, you will have no such luck. She is an absolute parasite, and she'll no more break up with you than get a job and settle down once you buy a house and have a baby. Convincing yourself any of this will happen is just avoiding the tough reality.

    Honestly though, not sure why you're so worried about being single. You can always find someone else. You've said as much. But even if you didn't, being single is great, especially compared to this. Just imagine being able to work late (yippee!) Without dramas. Go for drinks with your mates whenever. Meet nice women who are fun and easy going. Do what you want. Spend your money as you please. That's freedom. You sound like you need it very badly.

    Your second post worries me. It sounds like you are hoping for someone on the thread to tell you to stick it out. But if you trust your friends and family, you know they aren't going to express doubts unless it's serious. And this thread is absolutely UNANIMOUS. when does that ever happen?

    No house. No baby. No wedding. No looking back. If you do any of those things it has the potential to utterly ruin your life. Ruin it. Entirely. You can leave tomorrow and as difficult as it might be, you will never regret it, not for a minute. It's a no brainer. You just need to stop rationalising the path of least resistance.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 666 ✭✭✭DeltaWhite


    The fact that not one person has come on here and told you to stay with her should be a real eye opener. Your first post made my stomach drop. Your second post made me feel ill. You seem to be brainwashed by this girl. Typical sign of emotional abuse, and also a clear sign that you must lack self worth if you truly believe she loves you. She doesn't. You are her man slave, and you will be forever if you continue down this path with her.

    I really really hope you will do what's right here OP. I was with an asshole before, I dumped him and I can tell you its WAY better being single than being with him, totally miserable and so low, I didn't even know who I was anymore.

    Do the right thing.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,802 ✭✭✭✭suicide_circus


    Please for the love of all that is good, leave this woman. I absolutely guarantee that she will eventually destroy you.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    OP, I really hope you're not hiding away and terrified to read any more of this thread. You don't want to accept that this "hormones" story was actually her backtracking at speed because her cunning plan had unravelled.

    Hormones don't make women randomly make up stuff like that. No! What happened here was that she thought she had you finally trapped and that it was safe for her to come out and tell you the way things were going to be. Then next thing she has lost the baby. The hold over you has gone. So in the words of Dennis Hopper in Speed...whaddya do, whaddya do? Backtrack like fook and blame it all on the good old fashioned hormones.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 385 ✭✭batmanrobin


    Please for the love of all that is good, leave this woman. I absolutely guarantee that she will eventually destroy you.

    Exactly this, OP.

    If you're in a relationship with someone and hoping they will break up with you, then I think that really tells you all you need to know.

    She threatened you with your unborn child. Can you imagine what she would have been like had she not miscarried? I can. It involves you being miserable and your child being used as a weapon to inflict misery.

    I know that it is difficult to leave a relationship and someone you love (however horrible they might be), but you're getting a preview of the rest of your life with this woman. She will not change. Not for the better anyway. Now you can choose to stay in this relationship and accept a life of misery or you can do the right thing for yourself and end it.

    Do right by yourself, OP. Realise you deserve better than this. Everyone on this thread knows that you do and we're all hoping you see the light.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    From what you have told us I would end things with this woman.
    At the moment your working hard. In the past you have paid off her debits yet she still thinks it is ok to keep getting into holes. You have told us that you planning to buy a house and she wants a house you can't afford to buy.
    She is not working and you paying all the bills.

    You then said that you were trying for a baby and lost the baby. She then told you I will have the baby and you won't see it.

    At this stage you need to tell your girlfriend that you have realised that your relationship is going nowhere and you decided to brake up with her. If she tells you she will end her life I would say I am going to ring your parents and freinds and tell them this. They will put you in to a mental hospital for a while.
    She will then realise that you won't be blackmailed to stay with her.
    After this I would get in contact with your freinds and family and tell them what happend. They will be glad that you got away from her. You sound like a decent, kind and nice guy. You should be with someone who realises this and not someone who see you as her meal ticket.
    Walk away now or end up with a miserable life.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I feel so awful for you. She just sounds like a nasty, rotten, horrible, manipulative taker. I know you can't seem to see that she's screwing you into the ground, but she is. I'm in utter disbelieve that you'd think of staying with her, let alone having a kid or buying a house with her. But that's how dreadfully she's manipulating you - that you are going along with her future plans, and believing her sorry sack of excuses.

    I went out with someone a fraction as bad as your 'partner'. My friends hated him. They told me that my personality changed around him, and since I'd started going out with him. I didn't listen - I thought that they just didn't understand him. What actually made me see the light was my Dad, who, like you said about your father, doesn't like to be involved. My dad took me aside and told me that this guy would never make me happy, would never be good to me, and that he (my Dad) would be so upset at seeing me end up with this guy. I knew my dad would just hate being that involved, and saying that much - and it really opened my eyes, that my emotionally closed off dad felt so very strongly that he just had to say it to me. Maybe you and your dad should go for a few pints, and you should really ask your dad what he thinks. Perhaps I'm putting too much on that, but for someone who it cost a lot to really say what they thought made a hell of a difference to me. And really influenced me to get out of that relationship.

    In short, she's just a horrible person, who is so nasty that she has you accepting her dreadful behaviour because she has put you down so much so that you feel worthless. Please please don't have a kid with her. If you don't have the confidence to know she will (100% inevitably) wreck your life - imagine how she will screw up a kid. Don't buy a house 'with' (for) her either. You'll end up paying for that for the rest of your life. I can't stress how much you are being treated like absolute crap; as an emotional punchbag who pays for everything.

    Please just talk to someone, anyone, and never have anything to do with her for the rest of your life. I don't think I'm being dramatic when I say that if you don't follow that advice, she will ruin your life and you will be unhappy forever. And that she will seriously mess up a kid you have.

    Please get away from her, you are worth more than the piece of sh*t she is treating you as.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,731 ✭✭✭bp


    Agree with all of the above - for your own sake please leave her - that is not love.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,217 ✭✭✭pookie82



    Hormones don't make women randomly make up stuff like that. No! What happened here was that she thought she had you finally trapped and that it was safe for her to come out and tell you the way things were going to be. Then next thing she has lost the baby. The hold over you has gone. So in the words of Dennis Hopper in Speed...whaddya do, whaddya do? Backtrack like fook and blame it all on the good old fashioned hormones.

    No offence intended whatsoever OP but from what I've read here, I'd wonder was she even pregnant? Were you at doctor appointments/scans with her? Were you at the hospital when she lost it? If so then I'm sorry to even question it, it just struck me when you mentioned it in your OP.

    She sounds like the type who would manipulate you into just about anything ... if she wanted to be pregnant it's possible she faked both it and then the loss, when she realised she could hide it no longer. And is now saying "let's try again as soon as possible". She knows that a baby with you is her ticket to life long financial support and the house she's so intent on picking without paying a penny for it.

    I would strongly urge you to resist sleeping with her again until you have made up your mind as to whether you stay and accept your fate with her, or make a break and start a new life.


  • Hosted Moderators Posts: 17,425 ✭✭✭✭Conor Bourke


    pookie82 wrote: »
    No offence intended whatsoever OP but from what I've read here, I'd wonder was she even pregnant? Were you at doctor appointments/scans with her? Were you at the hospital when she lost it? If so then I'm sorry to even question it, it just struck me when you mentioned it in your OP.

    She sounds like the type who would manipulate you into just about anything ... if she wanted to be pregnant it's possible she faked both it and then the loss, when she realised she could hide it no longer. And is now saying "let's try again as soon as possible". She knows that a baby with you is her ticket to life long financial support and the house she's so intent on picking without paying a penny for it.

    I would strongly urge you to resist sleeping with her again until you have made up your mind as to whether you stay and accept your fate with her, or make a break and start a new life.

    I wondered the exact same thing.


  • Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 14,914 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    OP, I had 4 pregnancies. I had 4 unpleasant pregnancies. Terrible "morning" sickness that lasted day and night. Low blood pressure that caused me to become light headed and weak numerous times a day. A few other unpleasant side effects of pregnancy. Never, not once in 36-37 months of pregnancy did my "hormones" cause me to tell my husband that I'd be gone and he'd never see his child.

    After they were born, when the hormones ACTUALLY kick in, I was occasionally teary. Sometimes with exhaustion and hormones and "baby blues" combined I felt a bit overwhelmed and at a loss. Never, not once, did I feel the need to tell my husband that I was going and he'd never see his children.

    It is as plain as day that she is abusing you. And unfortunately you have become the stereotypical abuse victim. You make excuses. You justify it. You minimise it. You say it's not all bad. Women who regularly get battered by their husbands will also tell you it's not all bad.

    Why isn't she working at the moment? Has she ever worked? Why are her friends getting involved in your affairs? Why is she involving her friends in your affairs? Why are the people who actually do love you and care about you warning you against her? Why is your dad, who doesn't get involved warning you against her? All these people want you to be happy. And they can see you're not. All this people want what's best for you. And they can see you're not getting anywhere near what is good for you.

    Why do you think this is the best you can do? Why do you think this is the best relationship you are likely to ever have?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 501 ✭✭✭ChampagnePop


    I find people who use their partner for to get out of working and responsibilities disgusting, fair enough a home keeper can be a full time job and suit some couples, but thats not what we're talking about here.
    If she wants a house so bad why isn't she working at least a minimum wage job, the extra income would help heeps with increasing your deposit - she's not working and she never will, she is just using you and will take your house and family away from you the you buy the house and have the baby.
    There are lots of wonderful people who respect their partners and work as teams, you deserve a relationship like this, your worth so much more...

    My brother married a women like your OH, and it's torn our family apart, she's taken everything from him, he's a shell of who he used to be.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,204 ✭✭✭elfy4eva


    A successful chap like yourself will bounce back no problem. You have supportive friends and a caring father. A future where youre trapped in a relationship of emotional abuse is no future.

    Make arrangements, steel yourself for the emotional blackmail when you break the news and fall back to the support of your friends and family.

    All the best.


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