Girlfriend loves me but doesn't seem to care

Meauldsegosha

timtim45 wrote: »

... sometimes I just wish she'd break up with me, ...

She is never going to break up with you because you are her meal ticket. You have cleared off her debt and paid her rent for her. If you want this relationship to end you will have to end it. Please listen to the very good advice on this thread and get away from this woman as fast as you can.

ellejola14

Hi OP,

I've been where you are now. I was in a very similar situation, If not worse. It was a living hell. I was constantly upset and unhappy. I knew I was being emotionally abused but I couldn't find the strength to finish the relationship. He had alienated me from my family and controlled my money.. even taking charge of my bank account and atm card. He controlled who I spoke to, who I met and what I wore. I was a wreck. With a lot of support from my friends and family I finally packed my bags one evening he wasn't there and left. It was the hardest thing to do as I was so scared of what he might do or say. I ended up having to hire a solicitor in order to get all my processions and money back and it was a rough road for quite a while but I can now say that it was the best decision on my life. I changed from the moment I walked out that door. I felt a huge weight had been lifted and that I could breath again. I wasn't afraid anymore, I didn't have to look over my shoulder to see was he there watching me. That was 5 years ago.
Today I am now engaged to a wonderful man and due to get married in another few months.
Please don't waste time in staying with this girl.. you will never be happy, and bringing a baby into something so volatile is the worst possible thing you can do.
You sound like a very genuine and lovely person and you deserve so much better than this. Living on egg shells is not a way of life. Don't be afraid to be single, take it as a chance to spend time on yourself and enjoy living again. Someday when you least expect it you will meet someone else and you will see what it is like to be in a true, loving and respectful relationship.
Take the advice from all the other posters, Life is too short and you only get one go at living it.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Can't really say more than has been said OP, get out. I hope you have called AMEN.

Also, I hope I'm just being over cautious, but if she has any access to your devices delete your history. She seems like the type who could check what you've been up to, and she'll not be happy if she sees this thread. Try and not let her get you on the back foot at all, when you start trying to leave her there's going to be big dramatics.

nhunter100

timtim45 wrote:

We are also trying for a child, we lost a baby before and during the pregnancy she threatened twice to leave, have the baby and block me from seeing it, I have asked her about this and told her that I couldn't have a baby with someone that would use something like that against me, she put it down to hormones and said she wouldn't have done that, I know myself the last part is a huge reason to try and break but part of me wants to believe its true.

Run...run away now. She is not worth the effort. Find someone who both loves and respects you.

zcorpian88

Jump ship OP, she is a leech and a headcase going by your story, you poor bugger.

I'm sure there are bits and pieces you like about her but the cons outweigh the pro's on this one.

WinnyThePoo

Also op. If your girlfriend is ever going grow mature and stop being so selfish. The only way that's going to happen if you part ways.

She needs to grow and figure herself on her own. If you continue down the path your going your only going to enable her behaviour . A baby and a house wont change that.

You deserve to be happy. Yes it's going to hurt. It's going to be mucky. In the long run you won't regret it.

Please call ahem as suggested above.

Ursus Horribilis

We are also trying for a child, we lost a baby before and during the pregnancy she threatened twice to leave, have the baby and block me from seeing it, I have asked her about this and told her that I couldn't have a baby with someone that would use something like that against me, she put it down to hormones and said she wouldn't have done that, I know myself the last part is a huge reason to try and break but part of me wants to believe .

It has often been said here that when someone tells you who they are, you should listen. You have been told, very very clearly, unambiguously, EXACTLY what's in store for you. You don't really believe that hormones yarn now, do you?

If you were my brother I would be frantic with worry. It's so hard to sit by and watch someone you love being manipulated in this way. Nobody ever wants to interfere in another person's relationship so for your father to have spoken up like this is a big big thing. Would you consider talking to him?

Realt Dearg Sec

I'd be very worried about your follow up post OP, there's a lot of cognitive dissonance in there and self blame, and rationalisations what is absolutely inexcusable. Stop saying she loves you. You judge love by someone's actual actions towards you, not the nice things they say. It is clear as the driven snow that you can see the truth but aren't willing to face it. That's understandable because what you have to do is difficult.

That's why you said you wished she'd break up with you. Because that would save you having to make all the tough moves. Sorry, though, you will have no such luck. She is an absolute parasite, and she'll no more break up with you than get a job and settle down once you buy a house and have a baby. Convincing yourself any of this will happen is just avoiding the tough reality.

Honestly though, not sure why you're so worried about being single. You can always find someone else. You've said as much. But even if you didn't, being single is great, especially compared to this. Just imagine being able to work late (yippee!) Without dramas. Go for drinks with your mates whenever. Meet nice women who are fun and easy going. Do what you want. Spend your money as you please. That's freedom. You sound like you need it very badly.

Your second post worries me. It sounds like you are hoping for someone on the thread to tell you to stick it out. But if you trust your friends and family, you know they aren't going to express doubts unless it's serious. And this thread is absolutely UNANIMOUS. when does that ever happen?

No house. No baby. No wedding. No looking back. If you do any of those things it has the potential to utterly ruin your life. Ruin it. Entirely. You can leave tomorrow and as difficult as it might be, you will never regret it, not for a minute. It's a no brainer. You just need to stop rationalising the path of least resistance.

DeltaWhite

The fact that not one person has come on here and told you to stay with her should be a real eye opener. Your first post made my stomach drop. Your second post made me feel ill. You seem to be brainwashed by this girl. Typical sign of emotional abuse, and also a clear sign that you must lack self worth if you truly believe she loves you. She doesn't. You are her man slave, and you will be forever if you continue down this path with her.

I really really hope you will do what's right here OP. I was with an asshole before, I dumped him and I can tell you its WAY better being single than being with him, totally miserable and so low, I didn't even know who I was anymore.

Do the right thing.

suicide_circus

Please for the love of all that is good, leave this woman. I absolutely guarantee that she will eventually destroy you.

Ursus Horribilis

OP, I really hope you're not hiding away and terrified to read any more of this thread. You don't want to accept that this "hormones" story was actually her backtracking at speed because her cunning plan had unravelled.

Hormones don't make women randomly make up stuff like that. No! What happened here was that she thought she had you finally trapped and that it was safe for her to come out and tell you the way things were going to be. Then next thing she has lost the baby. The hold over you has gone. So in the words of Dennis Hopper in Speed...whaddya do, whaddya do? Backtrack like fook and blame it all on the good old fashioned hormones.

batmanrobin

suicide_circus wrote: »

Please for the love of all that is good, leave this woman. I absolutely guarantee that she will eventually destroy you.

Exactly this, OP.

If you're in a relationship with someone and hoping they will break up with you, then I think that really tells you all you need to know.

She threatened you with your unborn child. Can you imagine what she would have been like had she not miscarried? I can. It involves you being miserable and your child being used as a weapon to inflict misery.

I know that it is difficult to leave a relationship and someone you love (however horrible they might be), but you're getting a preview of the rest of your life with this woman. She will not change. Not for the better anyway. Now you can choose to stay in this relationship and accept a life of misery or you can do the right thing for yourself and end it.

Do right by yourself, OP. Realise you deserve better than this. Everyone on this thread knows that you do and we're all hoping you see the light.

LegacyUser

From what you have told us I would end things with this woman.
At the moment your working hard. In the past you have paid off her debits yet she still thinks it is ok to keep getting into holes. You have told us that you planning to buy a house and she wants a house you can't afford to buy.
She is not working and you paying all the bills.

You then said that you were trying for a baby and lost the baby. She then told you I will have the baby and you won't see it.

At this stage you need to tell your girlfriend that you have realised that your relationship is going nowhere and you decided to brake up with her. If she tells you she will end her life I would say I am going to ring your parents and freinds and tell them this. They will put you in to a mental hospital for a while.
She will then realise that you won't be blackmailed to stay with her.
After this I would get in contact with your freinds and family and tell them what happend. They will be glad that you got away from her. You sound like a decent, kind and nice guy. You should be with someone who realises this and not someone who see you as her meal ticket.
Walk away now or end up with a miserable life.

LegacyUser

I feel so awful for you. She just sounds like a nasty, rotten, horrible, manipulative taker. I know you can't seem to see that she's screwing you into the ground, but she is. I'm in utter disbelieve that you'd think of staying with her, let alone having a kid or buying a house with her. But that's how dreadfully she's manipulating you - that you are going along with her future plans, and believing her sorry sack of excuses.

I went out with someone a fraction as bad as your 'partner'. My friends hated him. They told me that my personality changed around him, and since I'd started going out with him. I didn't listen - I thought that they just didn't understand him. What actually made me see the light was my Dad, who, like you said about your father, doesn't like to be involved. My dad took me aside and told me that this guy would never make me happy, would never be good to me, and that he (my Dad) would be so upset at seeing me end up with this guy. I knew my dad would just hate being that involved, and saying that much - and it really opened my eyes, that my emotionally closed off dad felt so very strongly that he just had to say it to me. Maybe you and your dad should go for a few pints, and you should really ask your dad what he thinks. Perhaps I'm putting too much on that, but for someone who it cost a lot to really say what they thought made a hell of a difference to me. And really influenced me to get out of that relationship.

In short, she's just a horrible person, who is so nasty that she has you accepting her dreadful behaviour because she has put you down so much so that you feel worthless. Please please don't have a kid with her. If you don't have the confidence to know she will (100% inevitably) wreck your life - imagine how she will screw up a kid. Don't buy a house 'with' (for) her either. You'll end up paying for that for the rest of your life. I can't stress how much you are being treated like absolute crap; as an emotional punchbag who pays for everything.

Please just talk to someone, anyone, and never have anything to do with her for the rest of your life. I don't think I'm being dramatic when I say that if you don't follow that advice, she will ruin your life and you will be unhappy forever. And that she will seriously mess up a kid you have.

Please get away from her, you are worth more than the piece of sh*t she is treating you as.

bp

Agree with all of the above - for your own sake please leave her - that is not love.

pookie82

Odus fell down wrote: »

Hormones don't make women randomly make up stuff like that. No! What happened here was that she thought she had you finally trapped and that it was safe for her to come out and tell you the way things were going to be. Then next thing she has lost the baby. The hold over you has gone. So in the words of Dennis Hopper in Speed...whaddya do, whaddya do? Backtrack like fook and blame it all on the good old fashioned hormones.

No offence intended whatsoever OP but from what I've read here, I'd wonder was she even pregnant? Were you at doctor appointments/scans with her? Were you at the hospital when she lost it? If so then I'm sorry to even question it, it just struck me when you mentioned it in your OP.

She sounds like the type who would manipulate you into just about anything ... if she wanted to be pregnant it's possible she faked both it and then the loss, when she realised she could hide it no longer. And is now saying "let's try again as soon as possible". She knows that a baby with you is her ticket to life long financial support and the house she's so intent on picking without paying a penny for it.

I would strongly urge you to resist sleeping with her again until you have made up your mind as to whether you stay and accept your fate with her, or make a break and start a new life.

Conor Bourke

pookie82 wrote: »

No offence intended whatsoever OP but from what I've read here, I'd wonder was she even pregnant? Were you at doctor appointments/scans with her? Were you at the hospital when she lost it? If so then I'm sorry to even question it, it just struck me when you mentioned it in your OP.

She sounds like the type who would manipulate you into just about anything ... if she wanted to be pregnant it's possible she faked both it and then the loss, when she realised she could hide it no longer. And is now saying "let's try again as soon as possible". She knows that a baby with you is her ticket to life long financial support and the house she's so intent on picking without paying a penny for it.

I would strongly urge you to resist sleeping with her again until you have made up your mind as to whether you stay and accept your fate with her, or make a break and start a new life.

I wondered the exact same thing.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I had 4 pregnancies. I had 4 unpleasant pregnancies. Terrible "morning" sickness that lasted day and night. Low blood pressure that caused me to become light headed and weak numerous times a day. A few other unpleasant side effects of pregnancy. Never, not once in 36-37 months of pregnancy did my "hormones" cause me to tell my husband that I'd be gone and he'd never see his child.

After they were born, when the hormones ACTUALLY kick in, I was occasionally teary. Sometimes with exhaustion and hormones and "baby blues" combined I felt a bit overwhelmed and at a loss. Never, not once, did I feel the need to tell my husband that I was going and he'd never see his children.

It is as plain as day that she is abusing you. And unfortunately you have become the stereotypical abuse victim. You make excuses. You justify it. You minimise it. You say it's not all bad. Women who regularly get battered by their husbands will also tell you it's not all bad.

Why isn't she working at the moment? Has she ever worked? Why are her friends getting involved in your affairs? Why is she involving her friends in your affairs? Why are the people who actually do love you and care about you warning you against her? Why is your dad, who doesn't get involved warning you against her? All these people want you to be happy. And they can see you're not. All this people want what's best for you. And they can see you're not getting anywhere near what is good for you.

Why do you think this is the best you can do? Why do you think this is the best relationship you are likely to ever have?

ChampagnePop

I find people who use their partner for to get out of working and responsibilities disgusting, fair enough a home keeper can be a full time job and suit some couples, but thats not what we're talking about here.
If she wants a house so bad why isn't she working at least a minimum wage job, the extra income would help heeps with increasing your deposit - she's not working and she never will, she is just using you and will take your house and family away from you the you buy the house and have the baby.
There are lots of wonderful people who respect their partners and work as teams, you deserve a relationship like this, your worth so much more...

My brother married a women like your OH, and it's torn our family apart, she's taken everything from him, he's a shell of who he used to be.

elfy4eva

A successful chap like yourself will bounce back no problem. You have supportive friends and a caring father. A future where youre trapped in a relationship of emotional abuse is no future.

Make arrangements, steel yourself for the emotional blackmail when you break the news and fall back to the support of your friends and family.

All the best.

Ignatius in bloom

If you want to see your future search boards.ie with these key words.

Separation

Spousal support

Mediation

Ex threatening me that I won't see my child

Divorce

Legal advice on house ownership

Living back with my parents

Have not seen my child in weeks

Ex making my life hell

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I'm sure you've heard the saying "life is short". It's usually said by people who are enjoying life, who have loads to do and accomplish, who are happy and fulfilled by their lives. On the other hand if life is pretty miserable and tough for you life is very very long. I don't know how old you are, but I'll guess either side of 30. Which means you potentially have over 50 more years to live. 50+ years. 50+ years of this sort of carry on. 50+ years of feeling like you do now (because she hasn't changed her attitude up to now, why/when do you think she will?). If you have children she has let you know that you are dispensible. So you will potentially have 20+ years of fighting her to see your children, while paying handsomely for the priviliege of not seeing them, and keeping a roof over their heads. Your chldren will be heavily influenced by her and her attitude, so you will also potentially be in a situation where your kids see you as a cash cow who isn't deserving of much respect.

These are just a few examples of how your life will turn out if you persist in this relationship. No question.

Life is long, OP... very very long. Think about how best you'd like to spend it. I'll be honest, personally I'd rather be single, independent and free than what have what you have at the moment.

pgj2015

Marriage and divorce with Joe Rogan youtube it

you have had enough advice here op, get away from her now or you will only have yourself to blame when she destroys your life, you are lucky she has shown her true colors before you married her and had kids with her.

Ande1975

OP,

A close family member has been in a relationship with his partner going on 20 plus years now.
I was very proud of him. 20 years ago he was a tall, handsome, intelligent, witty guy and a fun person to be around.

Today he has put on a lot of weight, suffers from chest pains, stress, drinks too much and he is a shell of his former self. He is bitter and regretful of the life he has and resents his family for 'having it all' where he has nothing.

I attribute it to the toxic psychotic excuse for a woman who is his partner. Every single thing in his life is controlled by her. She hasn't worked in over 15 years. She takes no responsibility for their house (which is shabby and falling apart), their garden (which is overgrown now). She doesn't cook and my nephew informed me recently that Daddy has curry stains on his shirt when he comes home. He has to get a take away on his way home as she won't let him bring it into the house.

He went through a bad year of financial difficulty, almost to the point where we were fearful for his safety. The burden was all his and she did absolutely nothing to help. Her life was not going to be impacted in anyway.

I mentioned a nephew. From the very beginning we could see this woman was toxic. I can feel my blood pressure increase so I will be brief. About 12 years ago, my family member started to express reservations about their relationship and another woman had expressed interest in him. I encouraged him. He had expressed a desire to have a family etc and his partner was not interested. Low and behold a year later he tells me his partner is expecting. I cannot begin to express the disappointment I felt. I couldn't hide it. Here this intelligent articulate guy who had everything going for him, who saw the light had fallen into the trap. Boy was it a trap.

His partner behaved like she was the first woman to ever give birth. He had to give up work for 18 months to stay home with her to help out. I am actually getting upset again recollecting this.
My family member did all the school runs and rearing as his partner refused to let anything interfere with her sleep. Oh the stories I could tell.

The reason I am telling you this OP, is that your story reminds me so much of him. The reason he stayed was he didn't feel anyone else would have him. I can see the regret in his eyes today. He hasn't had a holiday in 10 years. Yet he funds his partners trips. He is working himself into an early grave.
My nephew recently said to his father. Daddy you know I love you but I would have to stay with mummy. WTF did that come from?

I can't write anymore as its becoming too distressing again but please OP... a chance for an easy life and fear of being alone is not worth a lifetime of stress, regret and uncertainty.

Apologies for the long post

LegacyUser

OP, I am going out with a lovely, wonderful, loving and generous man and I feel incredibly lucky. He was previously married to a woman very similar to your partner. The post there from Ande1975 has brought home to me what an awful situation he managed to get himself out of. His self-confidence was shot because of the pressures she put on him financially and otherwise. Everything was his responsibility. When things didn't go her way, they were all his fault. I'm so glad he was able to leave eventually and later confident enough to go out and meet new people - including me
I know you think you won't meet anyone else but in time you will and things will be so much better than they are now with this woman. Better than you can even imagine if you think this is worth settling for. You deserve more. You haven't mentioned much about what she does for you or what it is about her that you love. I think you need to really give that some thought and be honest with yourself about what you are getting from this relationship. Being 'not single' is not a good enough reason to stay with someone who has you walking on eggshells and watching what you say/do for fear of her reactions.

Realt Dearg Sec

No word from the OP in a while. You'd hope it's because he's busy carrying out the advice here, not because he's ignoring it (or got caught by the gf posting on the thread...). Anyway, hope to hear a follow up!

Ursus Horribilis

I'm genuinely worried for him. The second post here was very much him trying to undo the "damage" of the first post. I really really hope he's still reading it but I'm fearful. I have a relative who was in a toxic abusive marriage and it took him a long long time to finally understand what had happened to him. The sad thing is that while we can all logically explain to him why staying with his girlfriend is such an awful idea, he doesn't see it in that way. He loves her, he wants a future with her. Having strangers trampling all over your dreams and beliefs can be hard to take.

Realt Dearg Sec

Odus fell down wrote: »

I'm genuinely worried for him. The second post here was very much him trying to undo the "damage" of the first post. I really really hope he's still reading it but I'm fearful. I have a relative who was in a toxic abusive marriage and it took him a long long time to finally understand what had happened to him. The sad thing is that while we can ask logically explain to him why staying with his girlfriend is such an awful idea, he doesn't see it in that way. He loves her, he wants a future with her. Having strangers trampling all over your dreams and beliefs can be hard to take.

Ah yeah I know, it's fierce easy to say "run away and don't look back" on the internet, but actually doing that is probably the hardest thing you'll ever do. And it involves cutting off a person that he loves. I can see how denial would be appealing, it's not nice to read strangers ****ting on a loved one that they don't know.

But still, op, it's gotta be done. Would be very worried also.

LegacyUser

Agree with above. The OP is living with the woman, loves her and sees a future with her, but can't see things clearly and has doubts. He's on here because of the issues he has, not to sing her praises and why he loves her. Boards members demonising her will only make him defensive so no point in that. She obviously has positives, that are why he is with her in the first place.
What he should do, if he wants things to change, is maybe go to relationship counselling with her, and tell her unless she goes and he can explain why he is so unhappy and why and how she needs to change, then he is leaving the relationship. And if she says she will change, but after you see the changes aren't being implemented consistently, then he should walk.

Realt Dearg Sec

littleblueteacup wrote: »

Agree with above. The OP is living with the woman, loves her and sees a future with her, but can't see things clearly and has doubts. He's on here because of the issues he has, not to sing her praises and why he loves her. Boards members demonising her will only make him defensive so no point in that. She obviously has positives, that are why he is with her in the first place.
What he should do, if he wants things to change, is maybe go to relationship counselling with her, and tell her unless she goes and he can explain why he is so unhappy and why and how she needs to change, then he is leaving the relationship. And if she says she will change, but after you see the changes aren't being implemented consistently, then he should walk.

I dunno, from what we've read the relationship sounds abusive. I'd still advise that he leave it now.