The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

branie2 · 14-05-2016 09:33AM

A Kerryman gave a diamond engagement ring to his girlfriend.

"Ooh!" she exclaimed. "Is it a real diamond?"

"If it isn't," said the Kerryman, "then I've just been conned out of €2.50"

Canard · 14-05-2016 11:53PM

*licking lips with anticipation* I've never sky dived before, I'm very nervous
instructor: don't ever lick my lips again

15-05-2016 07:37AM

These were posted on an Australian tourism website, and the answers are the actual responses.[citation needed] by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railway tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? (USA)
A: Af-ri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aust-ra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not …
Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA)
A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is …
Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-ica, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.

MonkieSocks · 15-05-2016 09:23AM

What's Brown and sounds like a Bell?

Dung!

stoplooklisten · 15-05-2016 10:18AM

I was at the gym the other day and I noticed a hole in my trainer big enough to fit my finger in...

...he's lodged a complaint and I'm bared from the gym.

CarrickMcJoe · 15-05-2016 10:50AM

Went shopping in Tesco with the wife the other day when out of nowhere she says, "You're the laziest B4stard I've ever known"!!!

Well......I nearly fell out of the trolley!

16-05-2016 07:37PM

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks,

"So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Hamad replied, "Shít, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

coolhull · 17-05-2016 11:51PM

From Waterford Whispers :

THE proposed development of the Carrickmines branch of Ikea has been postponed while contractors head back to Sweden to get an allen key that should have come in the packaging.

The 15,000 square foot premises, long-rumoured after the success of the flagship branch in Ballymun, is set to open in the Summer, providing the construction is completed in time.

Although Ikea assured the construction team that the premises would be easy to construct, progress was halted after no allen key was found in the boxes of gïrders, cëmënt, roof shëëts and wïndows.

Needing the hexagonal key to connect the rööf to the wälls, senior construction manager Gerald Harris angrily sent a messenger boy back to the furniture giant’s main branch in Sweden to collect the tool.

“I had a load of them left over from when we built the Ballymun branch, but I threw them out,” said Harris, who had promised his wife he’d build the Ikea before the weekend.

“They were there in the drawer everytime you went to get a spoon, so I just ****ed them out. I didn’t think that this whole project would be held up while I waited for one. I tried screwing the place together with a star-headed screwdriver, but of course it didn’t fit the holes. No, that’d be too easy, wouldn’t it?”

byrner88 · 18-05-2016 01:31AM

I visited my wife at the hospital.
"My God, you look terrible," I said.
"F*ck off, " she replied, "And I've told you before not to bother me while I'm at work."

kimokanto · 19-05-2016 11:11PM

What's the difference between a lentil & a chickpea?

I wouldn't pay â‚¬500 to have a lentil on my face

LordSutch · 19-05-2016 11:34PM

For me it has to be Billy Connolly's 1st appearance on Parkinson, when he told the joke about wife & somewhere to park yer bicycle

)

Right joke, right place, right time. Seems pretty harmless looking back now, but at the time it was really awsome.

https://youtu.be/Slw08b3bHFE

Mr Tibbs · 22-05-2016 07:46AM

A woman was convicted of murder and was sentenced to death by hanging. On asking her her last wish she said she wanted to be hung naked. After deliberating for hours the officials decided that if that's what she wants, so be it. On the morning of the hanging, she stays on the gallows and smiles at the hangman. The hangman said, "what's all this for"? To which she replied, " it's all for you if you keep your trap shut"!

MonkieSocks · 22-05-2016 09:28AM

An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon.

Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son.

"Don’t be nervous, son, just do your best and remember,

If it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your family."

TheBody · 22-05-2016 10:59AM

There's a Polish bloke down our street who keeps singing "I want to know what love is."
Bloody foreigner!!

Hagar7 · 24-05-2016 09:36PM

Last night I was sitting in the living room with the 2 kids and I said to them 'I never want to be stuck in a vegative state dependant on fluids and some machine,if that ever happened then I want you to pull the plug.'
10 minutes later I fell asleep and when I awoke they had shoved my wine down the sink and pulled the plug from the computer,the little bastards.

Hagar7 · 24-05-2016 09:36PM

Last night I was sitting in the living room with the 2 kids and I said to them 'I never want to be stuck in a vegative state dependant on fluids and some machine,if that ever happened then I want you to pull the plug.'
10 minutes later I fell asleep and when I awoke they had shoved my wine down the sink and pulled the plug from the computer,the little bastards.

Hagar7 · 24-05-2016 09:37PM

That's twice they've done that tonight.:mad:

jaykay74 · 28-05-2016 06:48PM

Why did Adele cross the road ?
.
.
.
.
To say Hello from the other side

pablo128 · 30-05-2016 12:22AM

What does an 80 year old woman have between her legs that a 20 year old woman hasn't?

Her tits!

donalh087 · 09-06-2016 10:39AM

I was reading about "PornHub" and I thought... Is this what the world is coming to?

MonkieSocks · 09-06-2016 02:00PM

One day, Quasimodo was having a great time up in the bell tower of Notre Dame.

He was leaping from bell to bell, swinging on each in turn to make it ring louder.

As his mad carillon continued, Quasimodo became more and more excited.

He swung the bells harder and harder Soon, little cascades of mortar started to tumble down the outside of the magnificent building.

A coping stone plummeted from the west face. Flying buttresses started collapsing.

Gargoyles broke away from their high locations.

But Quasimodo still flung himself from bell to bell, giggling insanely.

More than an hour of this punishment was too much for the ancient structure.

The crypt crumbled and the cathedral began to tilt on its undermined foundations.

It began to slide as Quasimodo swung and swung.

As the bell ringer shrieked with laughter, Notre Dame slid inexorably into the river.

Huge bubbles made the water seem to boil as the building disappeared under the surface.

As the last bubbles rose to the surface, the pealing of the bells could still be heard, diminishing slowly.

Finally, peace returned as passing Parisians stared in shock at the scene of devastaton.

All that could be heard was Quasimodo's voice, raised in song as the bells' voices whispered under the surface of the water...

"I'm ringin' in The Seine, just ringin' in The Seine. What a glorious feelin' I'm happy again..."

Curly Judge · 10-06-2016 11:51AM

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Sarah's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.

HornyDevil · 10-06-2016 05:07PM

Here's yer man who gave me a laugh today.

Having to make a decision over two things reminds me of when comedian Chubby Brown told a story of when he was driving to a show in the north of England. His manager was in a car following directly behind. On the way, Chubby stopped to pick up a hitchhiker, seeing it as his good deed for the day.

"Where are you going mate?" said Chubby.

"Leeds", the man replied.

"It's your lucky day. I'm doing a show there. Jump in", Chubby said.

The guy was very quiet and after a little way, he whipped his cock out.

"Oy, what the fcuk you doing mate?" Chubby said.

"You're sucking this", the man replied.

"You've got to be fcuking joking, right", Chubby replied.

The guy then pulled out a gun and said: "You're sucking this or I'll blow your fat face off".

When they arrived at the club Chubby was appearing at, his manager noticed he was visibly shaken and ashen looking. "What's wrong?" he asked Chubby.

Chubby told him what happened.

"What did you do?" his manager asked.

"You didn't hear a bang did you", Chubby replied.

Anyone else been faced with a similar hard (no pun intended) choice in life?

Straight Edge Punk · 10-06-2016 05:10PM

I don't get it

briany · 10-06-2016 05:11PM

This thread seems like an excuse to tell that Chubby Brown joke.

Mr. CooL ICE · 10-06-2016 05:16PM

briany wrote: »

This thread seems like an excuse to tell that Chubby Brown joke.

^^ Pretty much this

Merged.

Mr Tibbs · 10-06-2016 10:59PM

My friend is trying to set up a helpline for men who are addicted to masturbating
I hope he pulls it off..

bladespin · 13-06-2016 01:41PM

Irish passport express!

bnt · 17-06-2016 07:25PM

Mr Tibbs wrote: »

My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm this morning but I accidentally gave her super glue
She hasn't spoken to me since

My girlfriend managed to use Super Glue instead of Vagisil. I asked her how she managed that, but her lips were sealed ...

Miss Demeanour · 19-06-2016 11:16PM

A man joins a monastery where he takes a vow of silence and is allowed only 2 words every 5 years.
After 5 years the head monk calls him and says "well my son....what have you to say?"
He replies....."food shyte"
After 10 years same scenario his words are "bed hard"
15 years pass and his next two words are "room cold".
After 20 years he can take no more and before the head monk can speak he says....."Feck your two words....no one listens anyway....I've had enough.....I'm outta here."
Head monk replies " thanks be to Christ......all you have done for the last 20 years anyway is complain"

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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