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Jealous Ex Wife Trying to ruin relationship

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    #122
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,769 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    How do you know what is in his texts from her?



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    #123
    JealousExSydrome
    Registered Users Posts: 52 ✭✭JealousExSydrome


    He showed me



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    #124
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,932 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Can I ask OP, when did your boyfriend tell you about this job? Have you asked him to stop telling you about the ex and her comments about you?



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    #125
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,932 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121656937#Comment_121656937

    Why did he show you?



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    #126
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,769 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121656937#Comment_121656937

    Why?



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    #127
    JealousExSydrome
    Registered Users Posts: 52 ✭✭JealousExSydrome


    I knew he was applying for the new job and thought it was a good move for both of us. I was so happy when he got it. Knew it would be a couple of weeks every now and then but then he found out he'll be away for a few weeks now. Its a red flag if I'm being honest that he's so blazee about it.



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    #128
    YellowLead
    Registered Users Posts: 7,667 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121656909#Comment_121656909

    You went all in early doors before you got to know him. A few months is nothing.

    It sounds like you need to take some time and figure this out.



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    #129
    JealousExSydrome
    Registered Users Posts: 52 ✭✭JealousExSydrome


    I think I need to walk away. His words aren't matching his actions



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    #130
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,932 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121656965#Comment_121656965

    What do you mean you think you were a band aid and how did he go for the other day when you mentioned the ex?



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    #131
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,769 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121656976#Comment_121656976

    Well then maybe he did actually tell her you're a psycho, and he got some sort of kick out of showing you the texts and hurting you by telling you she's saying awful things about you? It makes no sense that she would lie to him about something he didn't say.



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    #132
    YellowLead
    Registered Users Posts: 7,667 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121656965#Comment_121656965

    Why was it going to be a good move for both of you?



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    #133
    JealousExSydrome
    Registered Users Posts: 52 ✭✭JealousExSydrome


    I'd asked if she'd contacted him because I knew she would. He said no. The let it slip she had. Then turned on me for asking him about it. I was there to support him as a friend after a horrible separation before we got together now I'm just feeling like I was a crutch



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    #134
    JealousExSydrome
    Registered Users Posts: 52 ✭✭JealousExSydrome


    Because it was better than his previous job financially and career wise



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    #135
    suvigirl
    Registered Users Posts: 5,884 ✭✭✭suvigirl


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121656909#Comment_121656909

    Ahh I'm sorry he turned on you.

    Maybe things would be better if you told him that you're not interested in his ex or anything she says. That you prefer if you and him are just you and him.

    Without any drama, a nice calm fun drama free relationship.



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    #136
    suvigirl
    Registered Users Posts: 5,884 ✭✭✭suvigirl


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121657016#Comment_121657016

    Stop asking him!

    Why are you asking him if she contacted him? She will always be in contact with him. She is his kids mother.



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    #137
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,769 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Why did you ask him... if you knew she had?

    Also - you knew him 5 months before starting to go out with him. How in God's name were you the friend "supporting him" through a horrible separation. You hardly knew him!

    Why do you insist on bringing upset and drama on yourself? Why did you post here if you were going to not take 1 word of advice that anyone offered you?

    What were your other relationships like? Were they as drama filled as this one?



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    #138
    JealousExSydrome
    Registered Users Posts: 52 ✭✭JealousExSydrome


    I know thar but she sends him random messages giving out about our relationship. Not kid related



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    #139
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,932 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121657016#Comment_121657016

    Ah well look, if you were supporting him as a friend regarding the separation it could easily have bled into your relationship and that would have explained the oversharing.

    But doesn't it sound/feel like a lot of hard work?

    The oversharing of messages turning on you...now his actions aren't matching his words. I'd wonder what his motives are and like we've said before, does he like the drama? But doesn't it feel like a lot when it's not even your kids or marriage?!



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    #140
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,769 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121657060#Comment_121657060

    And he seems to enjoy telling you about them. And on some level you also seem to enjoy hearing about them.



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    #141
    YellowLead
    Registered Users Posts: 7,667 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121657025#Comment_121657025

    But how does that help you?



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    #142
    YellowLead
    Registered Users Posts: 7,667 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121657060#Comment_121657060

    He could ignore them and NOT tell you. Though it seems you are the one constantly seeking this information…



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    #143
    JealousExSydrome
    Registered Users Posts: 52 ✭✭JealousExSydrome


    Yeah I'm exhausted. I've seen a different side the past few days. Don't need the stress



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    #144
    Username here
    Registered Users Posts: 1,044 ✭✭✭Username here


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121657016#Comment_121657016

    I'd asked if she'd contacted him

    Seriously, what is wrong with you? The unanimous advice you've been given is to tell him to stop telling you about her, yet you're actively inquiring about this yourself?

    What do you gain by asking him if she's contacted him, apart for the opportunity for more drama?



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    #145
    Zak Flaps
    Registered Users Posts: 2,336 ✭✭✭Zak Flaps


    OP, you have been clearly avoiding relevant questions asked by many of the posters here. I'm beginning to think that you're afraid the answers will make you look bad.



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    #146
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,769 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    I'd asked if she'd contacted him because I knew she would. He said no. The let it slip she had. Then turned on me for asking him about it.

    Everyone who replied to you told you to stop asking him. And he should stop telling you. So maybe he was trying to not cause any more problems by telling you a white lie. What good was going to come out if him telling you she had messaged him. It was only going to cause trouble (like you say she is trying to do).

    So he told a white lie to try spare you from the argument. Then he let slip and I'm sure you left him know that he had let it slip after already telling you she hadn't messaged him. Then he got annoyed at you for asking him about her contacting him - because he knows it will only lead to arguments.

    Everyone here as said he should stop telling you. Everyone here has said you should stop asking him. You have been told that you will be the one to cause problems in your relationship if you continue. And now there's problems in your relationship because you keep pushing to hear what she's saying about you. He can't control anything she says or does. But at least he can try keep it from you and not allow it to upset you. You, on the other hand, seem determined to make this your problem.

    I'm glad you're starting to see that maybe this relationship isn't ideal for you.

    Have you ever been to counselling to work through why you seek out drama and conflict. I'm going to take a guess that this isn't your first problematic relationship.



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    #147
    spaceHopper
    Registered Users Posts: 3,967 ✭✭✭spaceHopper


    Are you having a relationship with her or him, stop asking about her. Don't get involved. She is his problem not yours. If you ignore her and he stops telling you about it she'll stop getting reaction and she'll eventually run of drama to cause.

    The new job will be good for him, he'll create a bit of distance from her and have some space as well as more money coming in. Can you not go to see him or take some time off together



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    #148
    Dial Hard
    Registered Users Posts: 13,383 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121656965#Comment_121656965

    So you knew the new job would involve a few weeks away every now and then and were fine with it, but now that he actually has to go away for a few weeks, it's a problem???

    Sorry, OP, but you're an absolute mass of contradictions. I think you have a *lot* of growing up to do. All of you do - this is a bunch of adolescent nonsense being manifested by adults who should all know better.

    The poor kids. They seem to be completely forgotten about in all of this.



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    #149
    marilynrr
    Registered Users Posts: 560 ✭✭✭marilynrr


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121656976#Comment_121656976

    TBH I'm not surprised. I could see red flags all over him, one of those 'lives for his kids' types who only takes them on one night a week, complains about the mother not getting out of bed etc but doesn't try to share the load more or get more access/custody.. It's all words, no actions.

    You've got a few harsh responses despite your latest updates, but I would say it's likely he's been pretty manipulative along the way and you've fallen for it like so many others do once they catch feelings.

    By the sounds of it he wasn't in the right place to start a relationship in the first place, and going into it after being the supportive friend isn't the healthiest way for a relationship to start, especially when they're not even legally separated yet, this is all very much still ongoing!



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    #150
    JealousExSydrome
    Registered Users Posts: 52 ✭✭JealousExSydrome


    The job was to be 1 or 2 weeks every few months away. Not two months at a time. That's not a contradiction.

    He sees them during the week after work when he can. He brings his eldest to work when she's stuck. He's doing his best with them. Nothing is ever good enough and I can see it going down a nasty road. I don't want that to happen for him which is why I'm so frustrated.

    I'm just going to think long and hard about what's best for me because I feel like I can't do right for doing wrong anymore in this situation.



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    #151
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,769 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Would you consider standing back and just seeing how it plays out? Don't get involved. Don't ask if she's contacting him. Don't bitch about her. Just leave him to deal with her and his children and you concentrate on just being in a relaxed chilled relationship. Minus all the aggro and drama.

    They are their children. Not yours. It's their marriage separation. Not yours. Take a big step away from all that. It's still very early days in your relationship. You don't need to be so intense.



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