Jealous Ex Wife Trying to ruin relationship

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121635020#Comment_121635020

How worse does it need to get? The arrangement as it stands doesn't suit your boyfriend and is impacting his life. It doesn't have to be this way. I'm not sure what you mean by she's holding the mediation card over him? He should go and instruct a solicitor, get their advice and regularise everything. What she's saying about you is nasty but it's your boyfriend's ex, you can't take her opinion of you with any great weight, she doesn't know you.

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121635058#Comment_121635058

I know. It shouldn't have to get any worse but how much can I say on the matter. If it was up to me he'd go see a solicitor and nip this in the bud. If she doesn't get exactly her own way and the attention she seeks she threatens mediation and creates problems that don't exist and makes it looks like it's about the kids. He agreed with her one day that yeah they should go to mediation and she changed her tune completely and wanted to meet him for tea.

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121635036#Comment_121635036

That doesn't give her the right to stalk his social media, verbally abuse him, message him at 2am, question where he is at times that are not kid related, play mind games. How can you ignore that. That's nothing to do with the kids. She doesn't want him and doesn't want anyone else to have him. It's not kids related she's just using them as pawns

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121635074#Comment_121635074

She can't threaten mediation. Mediation is a good thing, if both parties are open to it. Its not something to use as a threat? Though they're separated already so all that needs to agreed surrounds the children. If your boyfriend doesn't want mediator help and doesn't want to see a solicitor then the situation stays as it is. He doesn't have to respond to the calls and texts.

I see sheep

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121635087#Comment_121635087

What's your point though? She's crazy yeah I agree, she won't change.

He should block her on social media/why does he have his phone on at 2am? Anyway, he should block her phone number too.

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121635114#Comment_121635114

Which proves my point I think? He agreed to mediation and suddenly she didn't want to go but wanted to meet him and asked to go for tea

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121635115#Comment_121635115

It was New Years Eve and we were awake having drinks with his family.

I see sheep

Last resort would probably be only communicate through his solicitor, but will cost money.

statto25

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121635126#Comment_121635126

She used mediation as a threat and when he agreed she backtracked. As the poster above said, mediation is a positive thing as long as both parties have the kids best interests at heart. However judging by your previous posts, she wont be easy to deal with. No judge will see a case unless mediation is at least attempted, or an attempt to arrange it is made but is constantly refused. A solicitor that deals with Family Law matters is needed here. The harassment isnt on but the only way to deal with that is to ignore it. If it becomes abusive and aggressive, then thats a different matter.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121635126#Comment_121635126

All that does is remove mediation from the options. He wouldn't do mediation but she would. Then he would but she wouldn't. So what's the point of leaving it on the table which in fairness is of course between them. Your boyfriend won't go to a solicitor either. So the situation stays the same.

The other element is that you can't control the situation, it's between them. They're going to be in contact because they have children.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, with the greatest of respect to you, you need to back off. This is his problem to deal with. He will handle it whatever way he sees fit, and you either have to accept that and just go along with it, or you decide you cannot accept that and admit this relationship isn't for you.

You have absolutely zero say in this situation. The children have two parents. Their relationship and arrangements were established long before you arrived on the scene, and if you come in calling the shots, telling him what he should be doing then of course she's going to turn against you. She's going to think "who does this wan think she is?"

I sense your anger and frustration and dislike for his ex. Be careful not to turn into another version of her at him, giving out, pushing your opinion on him, poking him to do more/less. He is an adult man who is capable of making his own decisions. You might not like them but they are his to make. I'm sure he can figure out how to go about things himself.

And as said above you don't "threaten" mediation. Take a step back. Let yourself cool down. You are far far too invested. Things have a habit of working out over time. Just don't push things.

Dial Hard

If you're only seeing eachother a few months and you're already spending time with the kids then you didn't wait "a good while" before meeting them, sorry. It's very possible she thinks you were brought into the picture with them far too quickly and is reacting with hostility for that reason.

Either way, as others have said, you are far, far too invested in this. It's none of your business, quite frankly. Part and parcel of being in a relationship with someone with children - and I would say particularly one as short as yours - is knowing your place when it comes to the kids and arrangements with the ex. You need to butt out, to be blunt. He already has one woman making life difficult for him, he doesn't need you doing it too, even if you feel it's coming from a place of concern for him.

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121635342#Comment_121635342

We knew each other 5 months before I met the kids. She introduced them to new guy while my partner was still living there and had him moved in within a week of him moving out. Her parenting is none of my business just as much as my relationship with her ex and what he does in his spare time is none of her business. That's the crux of the issue here. She needs to know her place. This is not about the kids. She's making it about the kids when it's plain as day she has an issue with our relationship. Messaging after he'd spent nearly two weeks with the kids when she was away asking where he was and who he's with. Messaging him at 2am and then throws her toys out of the pram when she doesn't get a response. Our relationship doesn't affect his arrangements with the kids. We have our one night a week out Friday, he has the kids every Saturday and Sunday. She tried to "suggest" to him that he give his night out a rest at least once a month. What has that to do with the kids. She wanted him to look after her or see if she needed anything after a very minor procedure and gave out to him because he never even asked if she needed anything.Why would he. She has a new partner and it's not his responsibility unless she was laid up and needed him to take the kids that would be different. She tries to drag him in to conversations about their relationship, brings my name in to every single conversation. I haven't involved myself in anything, she's dragged my name in to it and i've remained civil and been respectful to his kids and tried to keep a good relationship with them. His eldest even said she's delighted to see his dad so happy. She's that egotistical that she can't fathom that he dare not be at her beck and call after she very nearly drove the man to suicide with her evil ways.

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121635296#Comment_121635296

His arrangements haven't changed. I never called any shots. It's not about arrangements with the kids. It's about her bringing my name up all the time and harassing him, she seems to know his whereabouts when we're out. She'll find excuses to message him when we're out. Not kid related at all.

Big Bag of Chips

You are FAR too invested. Your entire post is filled with "she" and "her".

I'll repeat again because you don't seem to be taking note: BACK OFF!! For your own sake and the sake of your relationship you are going to have to let a lot of the things you have mentioned above go. If your partner is telling you things she's saying tell him you don't want to know. Her opinion of you doesn't matter.

She can only affect your relationship if you let her, and it seems like you are absolutely letting her.

He had a relationship, they got married and had 2 children so she can't have always been "evil". You need to not let this affect you. If it's affecting you, then you need to consider is the relationship really worth the cost.

nachouser

"She needs to know her place."

She's apparently still his wife. There's a long road ahead.

https://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth-family-relationships/separation-and-divorce/divorce-decrees/

Good luck.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121635875#Comment_121635875

So what if she has an issue with your relationship. If she does it's not personal to you, she'd likely have a problem with any relationship he's in. It's up to your boyfriend to address the boundaries with her. You sit back and leave them at it. Otherwise she's winning

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121635938#Comment_121635938

She stepped out of her marriage a long time ago and tried to keep my partner around for convenience and money. He tried to be amicable for the kids and as soon as he's happy and moved on she starts trying to cause issues for us

marilynrr

He doesn't sound like he's zero drama to be around like you said, why is he telling you every single thing she says? There's no reason why anything she says should be affecting your relationship.

She threatens him with mediation? So what?? She's not threatening to kill him or run him over. Let her threaten it and stop making out it's a big bad threat.

We have our one night a week out Friday, he has the kids every Saturday and Sunday. She tried to "suggest" to him that he give his night out a rest at least once a month. What has that to do with the kids.

Does he only take the kids for one overnight a week?

You said 12 o clock one day was too early for her...was he trying to drop them home on Sunday morning at that time? Because I would say that that is pretty early if he's supposed to have them on weekends.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, in situations like this you have to take a step back and look at the full picture.

He's a separated father. He sees his children at the weekend. And it seems he has them for only about 24 hours out of the week. His ex has the children the huge majority of the time. She's doing school, lunches, dinners, homework, bed time, she's dealing with tantrums. She's the one who has to remember tracksuit day, or world book day, or swimming or whatever else random day happens throughout the school week.

Do you have any contact with her? Does she ring you? If not, how do you know what she's saying about you?

You and him have your "one night a week out" on a Friday, and she has suggested that maybe once a month he gives it a miss, and presumably takes his children for the full weekend? Not an unreasonable a suggestion. You have 6 nights of the week to see each other. He is choosing to only spend 4 nights a month with his children. Hardly father of the year material.

When you're in a relationship that is a bit chaotic, it's easy to look outside it and blame everyone else. In a relationship the split up rarely has one person completely irrational and the other completely reasonable and sane and their good nature being abused by "evil ways".

You like him. You think he's great. Fair enough. He probably is, as a boyfriend. As a father he seems to be coming up a bit short. He needs to be offering more practical support to his ex with regards his children. Every weekend (but not the full weekend) and a few quid is the absolute minimum he can do. He needs to stop looking at the minimum and think what else he can do.

I'm not suggesting she's completely in the right. No doubt she's being a bit unpleasant. Can't say I totally blame her though. But he is not completely innocent in all this. Single mothers have a tough job. Weekend dads need to step up.

statto25

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121637650#Comment_121637650

"Weekend dads need to step up" - how do you know he doesnt want more time with his kids but its being blocked by the mother? I despise the term "weekend dads" and its only used by those who a grudge to bare in their own personal lives.

TheadoreT

I'd always run a mile from someone who bad mouths their ex constantly. He chose her, he chose to have kids with her. If he's constantly talking about her behind her back you'll be sure he'll do the same about you in time.

Tbh given his clear lack of backbone and assertiveness, his liking for gossip, and that he doesnt seem to put his kids first in decisions, I'm not all that surprised she was unfaithful to him. She obviously should have went about ending it in a better way but no woman would be happy with a man who acts like that long term.

You seem to be in the love struck phase where you can't see any red flags but I'd really advise if you're considering having kids to wait at least 18 months. Infatuation usually wares off by then and you'll be in a better place to weigh things up. No more kids need to be dragged into this mess to be honest.

spaceHopper

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121634765#Comment_121634765

He should set a time and that's it he sticks to it. If she has a hangover and it doesn't suit to bad that is a her problem not a him problem. She can take a taxi if she needs to.

Big Bag of Chips

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121637757#Comment_121637757

The mother has asked him to give up 1 Friday night out a month. OP thinks the mother needs to 'know her place'.

If he offers to take them 2 Fridays a month along with every Saturday night and she blocks him then you might have a case for saying she is being "evil", OP. But maybe, just maybe, she actually does want him to do more.

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121637217#Comment_121637217

No he didnt want to drop them off the Sunday at 12. He wanted to pick them up the Saturday at 12 and this didn't suit her, it was too early. He has them all day Saturday and Sunday. He sees them during the week when he can. He's always there when they need them.

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121637969#Comment_121637969

She doesn't see it that way. She wants to rule everything and he lives in fear of not being able to see the kids.

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121637775#Comment_121637775

Where did you get he doesn't put his kids first? He puts them above everything. He works very hard, he used to cook and clean after working all day when he lived there. He had to ring her some days to get out of bed and the kids some times missed school. He's a good man. It's not infatuation. I know a good man when I meet one. He never gossiped or spoke ill of her, he told me what happened in his relationship. When she started trying to ruin our relationship of course he's going to be annoyed.

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121637650#Comment_121637650

She suggested the one night a month because it's our night out once a week in terms of him spending money. She brings everything back to our relationship. He'd have his kids full time if he could. He's anything but a weekend dad. He's had them for all their birthdays since i've known him.

Big Bag of Chips

"All their birthdays”? You've known him a few months. Birthdays are 1 extra days year.

I get it OP, you want to think the absolute best of him. But the things you mention he does are normal things that all parents do. Cooking and cleaning after being in work all day? That's called being an adult!

What advice are you looking for? For a short relationship this seems like an awful lot of hassle.

You can't control anyone but yourself.

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121638490#Comment_121638490

The point i'm making is this is not about his time with the kids. It's about her trying to ruin our relationship.