Jealous Ex Wife Trying to ruin relationship

Ezeoul

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121625344#Comment_121625344

Mutual friends have said she doesn't want him but doesn't want anyone else to have him.

I'd advise you not to indulge in gossip with others about your boyfriend's private matters that involve his wife and his children. It's not your place.

I'd also advise you to always beware of mutual "friends" who talk badly about her behind her back, to you.

Most likely they're also talking badly about you behind your back, to her.

He could also take the initiative and arrange a session with a family mediator himself, and invite her to attend.

Mediation is a positive step, not a negative. I don't know why he would see it as a threat.

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121638550#Comment_121638550

Not mutual friends of hers. I wouldn't know her friends.

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121638550#Comment_121638550

She's making him think she's trying to take the kids away. How is he the bad guy he want's to take them first thing Saturday and she causes problems. He wanted to bring the middle one away to see her bf and she put a spanner in the works, she's now bringing her that weekend.

spaceHopper

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121638377#Comment_121638377

He needs to take that fear away, she's all mouth as soon as he challenged her she backed down. He needs to have a written agreement and to force her to stick to it. His kids will be better off for it. He should also keep a diary of incidents. If it ever comes to court he'll be using notes take at the time and not memories that can be disputed.

Did you come here to ran or for advice. The advice you are getting is he needs to own this and he needs to stand up to her. He's showing his kids it OK to treat somebody badly because they'll take it.

Ezeoul

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121638601#Comment_121638601

Plans to take children anywhere should always discussed in advance with the other parent (never promise the child anything first).

It sounds like this family is badly in need of professional mediation.

Like I updated my previous post, your boyfriend can take the initiative here and arrange for a mediator himself.

He doesn't have to wait for her to do it.

Big Bag of Chips

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121638553#Comment_121638553

So mutual friends of who? People who don't know her are telling you what she's thinking?

If you don't want to be part of this drama, then stop indulging in the drama. Stop letting people tell you sht about her. Stop listening to what she says or thinks about you. It's irrelevant. Your boyfriend can only control his own actions. You can only control your own actions.

Have your other relationships been full of drama and chaos? Is it something familiar to you that maybe unbeknownst to yourself you are actually seeking out the drama because it's all you know?

I'd advise you, for your own sake, to let the drama go over your head. Otherwise you will be caught in an unending cycle of headwrecking behaviour - on all sides.

TheadoreT

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121638406#Comment_121638406

Introducing them to you after dating a wet week isn't putting them first, even if she did it sooner with her partner, 2 wrongs don't make a right.

Not asserting himself to his ex and acting like a competent father would isn't good for them either. The break up likely affected them badly and this constant strife certainly will be bad for them too. You think its all one sided, but him being a pushover landed him in this situation to begin with, so he needs to do a lot more than just moan to you about it.

Ezeoul

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121638553#Comment_121638553

Then they are not mutual friends.

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121638648#Comment_121638648

I know that he needs to own this. It's frustrating because i'm being told it's none of my business and not to give him advice. What do I do. And she's trying to ruin what we have on top of it.

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121638710#Comment_121638710

Mutual friends of my partner and I

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121638662#Comment_121638662

Saturday is his agreed day.

Ezeoul

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121638859#Comment_121638859

So hardly objective.

Look you seem to have an answer for everything and are unprepared to take any advice on board.

So, I'll leave it at that.

Best of luck.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121638859#Comment_121638859

Then how do they know what she wants and what she's thinking??? Also, why is he reporting everything she say about you back to you? Just tell him you don't want to know. Unless you actually do, in which case it definitely sounds like you're actually enjoying all the drama.

May I ask how old you all are? Because this is all terribly adolescent behaviour.

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121638882#Comment_121638882

How is it drama when peoples lives are being affected. The kids lives are being affected. We both just want peace in our lives. She never stops hounding him. He can never speak up to her or try be reasonable. I'm his partner so obviously he's going to look for support off me and advice. I've seen first hand the way she responds over the simplest things. She's impossible. She's a nasty vile mouth the way she speaks to him.

Hannibal_Smith

OK, OP, take a breath for a minute and think what advice are you looking for here? You can't fix this situation for your partner. He has to fix it with his ex.

She wants him to take the kids an extra night, I'm sure he's only too happy to see them an extra night. It may have a knock on effect with your arrangements, but it's once a month. This is part and parcel with seeing someone who's separated.

As much as you think she's trying to interfere with your relationship, I think you might be equally unhappy with her having contact with him. You seem to be steadfast in your point of view. The relationship is only 5 months old, you can't be setting dates and times in stone even if there were no kids or exes.

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121638919#Comment_121638919

She doesn't want him to take the kids an extra night. That's not what the Friday thing was about. She was suggesting if he doesn't have enough money to give our night a knock on the head, nothing to do with taking the kids. It's always about our relationship. Always an excuse. We spend feck all on our night out and it's none of her business. I work full time and pay my own way. Our relationship is 8 months in.

Dial Hard

Yeah, I have to agree with HS, OP, you're far, far, far too invested in this entire relationship. It's only been 5 months! Most people are still only figuring out how much they like the other person, etc at that stage. I'll reiterate that you met the kids waaaaaay too early and you're far too involved in your partner's co-parenting arrangements. I didn’t meet my partner's children til we were going out just under a year. My sister is with her partner just over a year and she still hasn't met his.

I think you all moved far too quickly in every aspect of this relationship and you need to take a giant step back, for the sake of the kids if nothing else. I actually think you, your partner and his ex are all being incredibly selfish here.

And I know you keep saying this is actually not about the kids at all, but it clearly is, because you keep then immediately contradicting yourself and saying he wants to see them more, is afraid he'll lose access, etc.

We all get that you want to support your partner. But by getting so involved here you're actually doing the opposite. I'll say this once again because it really is the case: this is none of your business.

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121638958#Comment_121638958

It's been 8 months. I met them after 5 months.

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121638958#Comment_121638958

I'm not contradicting myself. She's making him feel like he'll lose them and brings everything back to our relationship. She brings my name up all the time. What has our one night a week out to do with the kids. How is messaging him at 2am about the kids. What is stalking him on social media and asking where he is who's he's with about the kids. He'd asked her to stop all of this and only to communicate about the kids. So now she'll message him first make out it's about the kids then bring up our relationship. Her kids get on with me, i'm a decent person. Her only issue is the fact he's happy and has moved on. Her own family have a good relationship with my ex and they're even happy for us.

89897

OP, as others have said, stay out of it. No one can ruin your relationship apart from you and your partner.

The advice im giving is stay out of that side of his life, be there as the supportive partner but dont get involved. She'll get over this and move on to her next thing. She can say whatever she wants to him, it for him to decide how he reacts.

He needs to take control here and stop entertaining her nonsense, get an agreement in place for the kids and find a balance. You need to stop the nonsense of getting into conversations with others about her also. It only adds fuel to the fire.

Big Bag of Chips

He used 12 days holidays last year and minded the kids while she went on holidays with her new guy,

Most parents use all their annual leave "minding" their children.

OP, the advice you are getting from everyone is to take a step back and take a breath. You are wound up. It's not healthy. You are in a relationship a few months. His children and his arrangements around his children shouldn't even be in your radar. If you have a night out with him on a Friday night then that should be it. What happens the rest of the week isn't really your concern.

You're not his mother! You don't need to "mind" him or sort out his problems for him. You're his gf. A fairly new gf. His family issues are not yours to sort out. The more you put yourself in the middle of these issues the more they will become your problem. Step back and refuse to be dragged in. He should respect you enough to not want to upset you.

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121639470#Comment_121639470

Yes using all his holidays is fine. But messaging him the day he leaves and meets me where are you who are you with, none of her concern. On the flip side our one night a week is none of her concern. Yet she know's his whereabouts, tells him he should knock it on the head and finds excuses to message him. Where he is in his spare time is none of her concern. Messaging at 2am, in appropriate. Knowing he's beside me. She know's what she's doing.

89897

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121639498#Comment_121639498

Shes looking for a reaction and you're giving her one! Ignore and stay away and it'll blow over.

Big Bag of Chips

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121639498#Comment_121639498

So what?!

You can't control her, and thinking you can is only winding you up. She's messaging to get a reaction and you are reacting.

It's up to him to manage the messages he gets. She's not messaging you! It is quite literally none of your business.

He has an ex who he is connected to for the rest of his life. Are her texts damaging your relationship? If so, how? If not, then what's the problem?

You have ZERO control over her and what she does/thinks/says. Once you acknowledge that and accept it your life will be infinitely easier.

Wezz

It sounds like a very chaotic relationship for one just 5 months in and you are far too invested in this. You are not his partner, you are his girlfriend. 5 months in is a casual relationship at best and for him to drag you into his drama is giving me huge red flags. I wonder if there is a part of you that likes the drama, you and him united against a common foe and maybe you can use that to your advantage?

She does sound like a nightmare in fairness and he has my sympathy but she's his problem to solve, not yours and getting yourself involved isn't going to help. You need to set some boundaries here and take a step back. He's out of order letting you get involved to this extent.

Big Bag of Chips

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121635020#Comment_121635020

He'll have to do something.

Not you. Unless she's harassing you (and texting your boyfriend, the father of her children, isn't harassing you) then you stay out of it. He's a fully grown man. An adult. A father. Capable of making his own decisions on how he wants to handle a situation.

I suggest you back off or you might find that you're the one who loses out in this situation. She's in his life forevermore - Regardless of whether your relationship goes the distance or not.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121638940#Comment_121638940

Maybe she has a point. His kids and providing for them comes first. Before any nights out.

Can you not see the double standards here? You say your nights out are none of her business, equally how she and your boyfriend (whether it's 8 or 5 months is irrelevant it's only a short time together) parent their children is none of yours.

You're seething at her for speaking bad about you, but you've only heard that from people who aren't even friends of hers. Any contact she's making you're taking as a knock against you. But that's no necessarily the case.

statto25

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121638329#Comment_121638329

We don't know why she is asking him to drop the Friday night. I find your posts and replies extremely hostile and perhaps from a place of experience rather than looking at the OPs description of the situation. Telling them to "back off" doesn't exactly promote an advisory style of advice but more of an order. If her partner wants to vent to her he is more than entitled to and she in turn can offer advice. If she goes beyond that and confronts the ex, then that's where the "back off" advice comes in.

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121639786#Comment_121639786

I didn't hear about her speaking bad about me from friends, it's from my partner. I seen it first hand. He always puts his kids first. The nights out don't have any impact on her kids. It's an excuse. We spend very little, we might go cinema, for food or a couple of drinks. Neither of us are big drinkers so spend a very small amount. Besides i'd be paying for our night out anyways if it was an issue that was affecting the kids because we spend that little. So it really has absolutely 0 impact on the kids. She just finds an issue with our relationship every chance she gets.

Big Bag of Chips

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121639900#Comment_121639900

Yes, my replies are coming from a place of experience.

I'm married to my husband. He has a daughter from a previous relationship. Any arrangements regarding that child were nothing to do with me!! Any arguments him and his ex had were nothing to do with me.

I kept quiet in the background and stayed out of any arguments. In the very early days I probably stuck my nose in a little thinking I knew what was best and telling my husband what he should do/say! I was 23, childless and clueless. I quickly realised me giving out on one side was only adding to the stress of conflict on the other. With him stuck in the middle. So I backed off. Completely. I looked after the child when she was in my company. (One night a week, like the OP). I had a lovely relationship with her when she was growing up, I had absolutely nothing to do with arrangements or communication between my husband and his ex. Nothing. 24 years later we all have a very amicable relationship. I have a very close relationship with my stepdaughter and have had a cup of tea and a chat with her mother at extended family occasions.

My husband was a "weekend dad". He did none of the real parenting that his ex had to do. Occasionally she would call him to come over and support her mid week when their daughter was being particularly difficult and he would go.

So yes, I'm speaking from experience, of being in the OP's position and I'm telling you OP - back off!