Jealous Ex Wife Trying to ruin relationship

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121639657#Comment_121639657

We're together 8 months and we're very serious about each other. I hate drama which is why i'm so fed up with this situation. Myself and my partner want to live in peace and we are both looking at the bigger picture. We want us all to be able to be able to be in a room together and be civil to one another. She is destroying that for everyone involved. I would have happily chatted to her tried to establish a civil relationship for the sake of everyone but how can I after all the things she's said about me.

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121639977#Comment_121639977

How have you been in my situation unless the mother of his child was trying to destroy your relationship and calling you names and messaging him at 2am? It's not the same thing.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121639935#Comment_121639935

See, part of me is now wondering whether your boyfriend is liking the attention of two women fighting over him! Why would he tell you she's speaking badly of you, like that's just going to do no good only wind you up!

But look, at the end of the day, you know him and her and you seem certain she's out to create grief. As I said before, if that's the case then reacting to it is letting her win. Let it all wash over you. It's a difficult situation for sure and it'll take some amount of patience and thick skin from you but don't react, keep your head. For your own sake more than anything.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121639993#Comment_121639993

Seriously, OP, why does he keep telling you everything she's saying about you??? You've been asked that multiple times and keep swerving the question.

I have absolutely zero idea what - if anything - my partner's ex has ever said about me. I have no interest in her opinion of me and I doubt it would ever cross my boyfriend's mind to share anything that was ever said, because why would he???

What in god's name your boyfriend thinks he's achieving by sharing every little thing she's saying with you is utterly beyond me. I think you all need to grow up, tbh.

ETA: You don't need to have any relationship with her, civil or otherwise. You're only seeing him a few months!

Big Bag of Chips

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121640015#Comment_121640015

How is she trying to destroy your relationship? Are you and your boyfriend allowing her to come between you? If so, why? If not, then she's not destroying your relationship.

Does she know you? If not, then what she says about you is completely made up, not based on anything and designed to get a reaction.

Why is your boyfriend telling you what she is saying about you? Surely he knows it's not true. So by telling you, knowing that you are upset by it, he is deliberately upsetting you. Tell him to stop.

I am in a relationship with a man who has an ex and a child. It was very difficult in the early days. It is not at all difficult now. And hasn't been for years. If you want to continue on the way you are now, and continue feeling the way you do, then carry on. If you don't want that, and you want things to be different then please take the advice of the vast majority of the posters who have replied to you.

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121640019#Comment_121640019

I honestly don't believe he is. I've always held my guard if someone says my ex is crazy. But I actually believe him. He talks to me about things that are upsetting him and confides me. I'm probably the minority but I prefer to know good, bad or ugly what i'm dealing with. He's a bit of a softy and his entire family (I know they will be bias) have described her as dangerous, controlling and that he has never been able to stand up to her. Coercive control is harder to spot when it's women doing it to men. He's started standing his ground just the slightest bit and she's just gone off the deep end and trying to cause problems.

TheadoreT

Your aparent lack of ability to see anyone elses point of view or take on helpful advice will not serve you well in life OP. When the overwhelming advice has been to keep well away and about 100 posts later you say you want to sit down with her and establish a civil relationship, you've displayed zero capacity to heed assistance, some of which from people who've been through similar situations.

Which begs the question why you'd want to start the thread in the first place? For a pile on his ex? She doesn't sound great to say the least but none of you are coming out of this looking good, and ultimately its the kids who will suffer most.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121640085#Comment_121640085

Nobody is denying that there are difficult, manipulative and controlling exes out there. My sister's partner was denied access to his kids for months on end on a whim from her. He had to take her to court numerous times, where she flung every allegation under the sun at him, to have access restored. His family haven't a good word to say about her, just like your partner's. My sister has been worried, anxious and heartbroken for him throughout. But at absolutely no point did she try and insert herself into the midst of the situation and I'm not aware of a single instance of him telling her anything the ex was saying about her, and I'm sure there was plenty said.

You need to be a hurler on the ditch here, OP. It's perfectly possible to support your partner without getting involved. That's all everyone here is trying to get you to see.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121640085#Comment_121640085

But the problem is that your boyfriend won't take any steps to deal with it.

Him standing up to her has been suggested - he's afraid she won't let him see the kids. Him suggesting they speak to a mediator has been suggested - he won't do that because she won't go. Him going to a solicitor has been suggested - he won't do that.

He has options open to him that he will not explore, so the situation will not change. It can't.

All you can control is how it impacts you and you need to move on to that step. As I and others are trying to tell you, you cannot change or control this situation. There's nothing you can do regarding him and her. You can only control the depth by which you let it impact you. It's not easy, you'll need a thick skin, but what else can you do?

What would you like people to advise you to do? Or what would you like to do?

suvigirl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121640015#Comment_121640015

How is she trying to destroy your relationship? You seem to be a bit ott about all this.

My ex had a daughter, who lived with her mother. From the very start of our relationship, I told him I would not listen to any complaints about his ex, or any of their issues. I think they had a quite volatile relationship themselves, and I am not interested in any drama. Anything she ever said to him about me or our relationship was not told to me. Any arguments they had, I didn't get involved. Anything to do with their daughter was none of my business and I never gave any suggestions.

It worked very well. He may have had issues and drama with her, but when he came home, we had a nice drama free existence, with no one complaining about their ex.

Just stay out of it and tell him to stop telling you.

marilynrr

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121640015#Comment_121640015

If this is causing relationship issues then you two must not be a very strong couple. How are those things destroying your relationship?

Some of the stuff you're just choosing to get worked up and outraged over it. She text him at 2am....he could mute her, that deserves maybe an eye roll at most, not obsessively going on about it.

She 'threatens' him with mediation all the time...he should arrange it himself...you said he said he'd go and she changed her mind but he can make an appointment himself. She doesn't have to go but that would look good for him in court if he tried to arrange.

She thought he could have asked her if she needed anything after she had a minor procedure, so what? Why do you care what she requested?

I had far, far worse from my ex, but if a new partner was going on like you I would have thought that he was just as big of a problem as the ex and was jealous, paranoid and insecure.

I knew that you'd say "He'd have them full time if he could" even though he only has them for one overnight a week. You were right early on that you find it hard to be objective!

YellowLead

I’m sorry OP, but I have to echo the general consensus.

You met his kids way too soon. You shouldn’t care what she does - it’s between herself and your boyfriend, the child’s father. It’s never easy when parents spilt and have to navigate shared parenting. He shouldn’t be telling you most of this and you shouldn’t be directing your anger at her, you don’t know her. Regardless of what she is or isn’t doing right or wrong. The children come first here, not you. If you can’t handle dating somebody with children and the ex that comes with that, then don’t. If another person is capable of coming between a couple, then that couple aren’t right in the first place.

nachouser

Op, at this point, you've been given a good array of advice from some very seasoned posters on PI who have probably 100k posts between them combined. Maybe take a step back and re-read some of the advice given and see if any of it can be applied to your situation.

marilynrr

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121640085#Comment_121640085

A friend of mine would have always said the same, I literally couldn't believe it when as soon as she met a new guy she was going on about the crazy ex who does this and that and he's not allowed to see the kids because she's 'crazy'. It's an unfortunate fact that some people ignore red flags once even a small bit of feelings become involved.

You said you prefer to know the good, bad or ugly about what you're dealing with, but you seem to have a very black and white view of it.

You say she's evil but you're not describing evil behaviour. You mention mind games but you don't describe any, and verbal abuse and you don't really describe any of that either....you just keep repeating about 2am texts and her asking where he is. If you had examples of evil behaviour you would have provided them but the examples are just minor annoyances you could roll your eyes at surely. She said 12pm was too early to collect the kids so you decide that that's her being difficult, maybe it just didn't suit. There seems to be a lot of confirmation bias going on where you think everything is just part of a big agenda to ruin your relationship and make things difficult.

Your partner could mute or ignore her, lock down his social media. Arrange mediation and get the contact times formalized. He's choosing not to, and you're blaming that on her and assuming that he has a fear that he won't because he's worried he won't be allowed to see the kids at all. You can't blame all of his lack of action on the ex, sounds like your boyfriend has a great support system around him but he's still choosing not to take action.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, are you asking your boyfriend what she's saying about you? You say you want to know the good, the bad and the ugly. Why? Someone else's opinion of me is irrelevant to me. Especially someone I don't know/have never met? I know it can be infuriating to think someone is badmouthing you. But no good can come from seeking out what's being said. If you pretend you don't know someone is giving out about you then you have the upperhand. Because you don't get involved in a tit-for-tat.

Your language here is very over the top and bordering on hysterical. Mention of "destroying" your relationship, her "evil ways", "threatening" mediation (not a threat!), "harrassing" him, her asking to meet the father of her children for a cup of tea to talk through their issues is seen by you as sinister.

If you are asking him to tell you what she is saying about you, stop. It doesn't matter and it shouldn't matter to your relationship. To be honest, the only one likely to cause a problem in your relationship is you if you keep going down this path. If you stay with this man, then like it or not this woman will also be a feature of YOUR life. If you want to be in a position in a few years where you are all capable of being in the same room together being civil to each other then you need to change your approach to this. Stop being so confrontational. Stop seeing everything as a confrontation. One person can't fight with themself. So even if she is being provocative and needling for a reaction if you and your bf don't react then it goes nowhere and eventually dissolves away. Keep yourself to yourself. Don't fuel the fire by discussing her with others. A phrase I heard here one time which is one I live by now - 'don't go half-way to meet trouble'. Stay away from it and it can't affect you. If you go seeking it, you will absolutely find it. In buckets.

marilynrr

Is she even saying anything that bad about you? All you mentioned was that she called you "the new one", said he was "under the thumb", that you were insecure and didn't want him to communicate. It's really not that bad. It doesn't even sound personal. She'd probably say the same no matter who he was with. I'm guessing that that's the worst of it or if not you would have mentioned all of it on here.

You said you wanted a civil relationship but you can't see how after everything she said about you, are you really saying you wouldn't be able to get over that stuff? and recognize that it wasn't really anything to do with you?

You came on the scene when nothing was formalised and they still haven't even been through the legal seperation. This is a time where people often behave in ways that don't exactly cover themselves in glory because they're human and a family breakup is a huge and monumental thing and it takes a lot of time to untangle lives. Often when things settle down people can go on to be civil and even friendly.

You say you hate drama which is why you're fed up of this situation, but by the sounds of it you're getting all hyped up about a small amount of drama and magnifying it. Sometimes the best thing to do to de-escalate drama is just to recognise people are human, they might be going through a tough time or loads of mixed emotions and let things pass over you and let it go.

Best thing to do is as @Big Bag of Chips and take a step back and breathe.

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121645261#Comment_121645261

She went as far to send a message to my ex saying he called me names "according to you she's a psycho" if that's not trying to cause problems. I honestly believe she is dangerous. I'm frustrated with my partner for not being more proactive too and nipping this in the bud.

suvigirl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121653162#Comment_121653162

Why is your partner even telling you this?

This is ridiculous, you don't need to know any of it. Seems like your partner enjoys the drama too.

Big Bag of Chips

Why do you know what's in her messages to him?

And she can TRY to cause all the problems she wants. You can't control her actions, no more than your bf can. But she can't actually CAUSE any problems unless you both allow her.

What have your other relationships been like OP? Relationships in general, with partners, friends, family? You seem determined to be in conflict with this woman. Even when you have the option of ignoring everything. She is the mother of his children. They will have very regular contact. If you can't handle that maybe you need to seriously consider if this is the relationship for you.

You also need to look to yourself and your actions. Consider your own relationship history. Is their a pattern ? I tend not to get too involved in other people's drama's. As a result relationships I had were pretty average. I've never had a big bust up with family or friends. I've never had confrontation with in-laws or exes. Even in school I never got involved in teenage bitchiness. Do you often find yourself in conflict situations? If so thenmaybe you need to find a way to change your mindset. Most people just get on with their own lives without much drama. Very few people live like you have described in your posts. You must be emotionally exhausted from always being in defense and/or attack mode.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121653162#Comment_121653162

She sent messages to your ex and he replied to her saying you're a psycho? Is that it?

I get that your partner is unburdening all this on you and you're trying to be supportive to him. But don't forget yourself in all of this. You need support too. Your boyfriend is being totally out of order telling you this. Tell him you don't want to hear any more about her or her actions. Ignorance is bliss as they say. If he's not going to take steps to nip it in the bud, that's his choice, but its your choice to not have to hear it. All its doing is causing you grief and its a situation you have no control over and that's a really unfair position for him to put you in.

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121653736#Comment_121653736

No she was giving out about me to him, when he defended me that was her response,

Big Bag of Chips

OP, you're ignoring the points people are making that you don't want to face up to or admit to yourself.

How do you know what's in her messages to him?

If he's telling you, ask him to stop.

If you're asking him, stop.

Knowing is not helping your situation. Unless you actually want all this drama and aggravation. If you don't want it, keep yourself away from it. If you want it then stop trying to pretend it's annoying you and just embrace the arguments and conflict it is going to bring you your life, your relationship etc.

You previously said you'd love to all be able to all meet at a event for the children and be civil to each other. I wonder is that really what you want. Because you can be civil, even if she isn't.

suvigirl

It's extremely easy to stay out of all the drama, but you seem to be drawn to it OP.

life is much easier and happier without it. Wouldn't you prefer if your time with your partner was just about the two of you? Forget the ex.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121654477#Comment_121654477

How does your boyfriend know this?

Are you taking any advice on board?

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121655181#Comment_121655181

Know which? Sorry i'm confused.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121655268#Comment_121655268

Your boyfriend is the one who told you about his ex messaging your ex, right? Sorry, I'm a bit confused myself 😀

Big Bag of Chips

She went as far to send a message to my ex saying he called me names

This is what Hannibal_Smith is talking about, and I missed. She messaged your ex? Who then told her you were a psycho. He's your ex. He's probably glad to bitch about you. Same way as you and your bf are happy to bitch about his ex!

How does she know who your ex is? How was your relationship with him? Was it calm and conflict free?

JealousExSydrome

Sorry obviously a typo or didn't explain properly. His ex was giving out to him about me he. He defended me and that was her response. Trying to accused him of calling me names.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121656676#Comment_121656676

That makes no sense really.

But anyway, I think you will have seen the pretty much unanimous opinion here that you are getting way too involved and interested in the ex. I think it comes from a place of insecurity on your part and a deep wish for this relationship to move fast and be everything you want it to be.

He will always have his ex in his life and regardless of how she behaves you have to get used to that. If you don’t like the way your boyfriend is dealing with it (if he’s the one over sharing rather than you pestering him for information then that is a faux pas on his part. But his faux pas is all that matters here for you, not his ex’s.) then you have to consider if the relationship ship is right for you.

JealousExSydrome

I'm far from insecure. Just sick of her constantly verbally abusing him, berating me and using his kids against him. Anyways I appreciate all the advice I really do. I was a good friend to him before we got together now I'm starting to think I was just a band aid. She's nothing but chaos but he married her. He took a new job miles away which was supposed to be only now and again away. Then yesterday found out its going to be a couple of months so will barely see me or his kids. Turned on me about her the other day. Maybe I was blinded and naive about everything he was portraying and saying to me.