problematic relationship question

tinytobe

Anybody been in a similar situation?

I've met somebody, I haven't seen for years, somebody I've once had a relationship with and feelings never stopped for both of us. But there are certain issues, I have discovered.

Is it wise to consider a relationship with somebody who's had one suicide attempt, two children by two different exes financial problems, and genetic health problems?

It's a tough one. My gut feeling is stop all contact.

radiotrickster

Everyone has problems and baggage, some more than others. A suicide attempt doesn’t mean they’re not capable of becoming a mentally healthy and loving partner but if your gut says to stop then stop. Simple as that.

thefa

It’s hard to be sure without knowing more detail on the severity and timing of the issues called out but I don’t see the combination of them helping you having a happy relationship.

If you enter into this relationship, you may want to set your expectations low and know that everything can’t be fixed so you could be dealing with some for the duration.

I would go with your gut too.

Padre_Pio

Remember the reasons the relationship stopped, and add that to your list of concerns.

Ultimately you need to go with your gut. Of course all people come with some baggage, but you would need to ask yourself in the cold light of day “this baggage would be mine too, can I carry it?” “Would the relationship be good for her?” “Would it be good for me?” “Would it be good for the children?” You do right to question it, as you have some serious doubts. Of you do re-enter a relationship with her, there’s the dopamine reward of the excitement, it’s the instinct that keeps the world populated; but are you going to hit a particularly rough path sooner rather than later and wonder where this sense of positivity has exited stage left.

If you are going to enter any kind of relationship with her, do it tenuously at first, see how the land lies and see what a committed relationship with her might look like. Keep busy also with your usual activities, hobbies, commitments, so that you give yourself time to test the waters. Then if it starts looking like the makings of a highly stressful life for either or both of you, end it sooner rather than later.

daveluzbo

Go with ur gut. You've mentioned a fair few red flags. Personally speaking a single mother is enough of a red flag for myself, let alone all the other stuff you have mentioned.

I'm going to assume the ex broke up with you and years later has got back in contact with you. He/she had all their fun and is now ready to settle down?

Are you a single guy? Age? Have any kids yourself?

mykrodot

is the OP talking about a man or a woman? There is no indication of either but everyone seems to think its about single mum. This could also be written about a guy but maybe I'm missing something.

tinytobe

I am a single guy myself, and a single mother with two kids is normally a red flag for me.

The problem behind everything is that more than 14 years ago, we were strongly in love, and that feeling never stopped for both sides. The relationship was split apart by somebody who was interfering with us, - an no, it wasn't unfaithfulness.

The red flag is not only her two children, but also the financial issues she has with her ex husband, or husbands, regarding child support payments. The suicide attempt was as far as I can understand in relation to abuse of one of her ex husbands, but still the stigma is naturally there.

She is also suffering medically, from some genetic disease, which can't be cured, but only made milder by certain treatment. It's a rare disease, causing her infrequent pain and nausea.

Also we're in two different towns, and she is a bit more idealistic about us getting together.

My gut feeling is no, and it's also all rather unrealistic at this point.

I've also been single for more than a while, and also discovered the advantages about being single. This together with todays unpredictable job life, it's also more a no feeling.

All sad.

daveluzbo

Nothing wrong with going 'monk mode' amigo. Have you been overseas much?

If she was as madly in love with you as you were with her, nobody would have gotten in the way and she definitely wouldn't have had kids with other men. If you do have a relationship with a single mother, you'll never be seen as the father, but you'll be expected to provide in some way or another.

She has more red flags than a Chinese communist parade. Don't waste ur time or resources. Remember the good times but move on with ur life and without her in it. Don't get sucked into her mess and don't believe everything you are told. Don't be a White Knight!!

If she has been the one who has got back in contact after all these years you need to ask yourself why. My opinion is that she sees you as a wallet and a support system.

tinytobe

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121541292#Comment_121541292

We were both naïve and in love back then. Love produces always some form of naivety. Whilst single, I found other things I liked, spontaneous travel, more financial freedom, resigning from a job just for "not liking it". All the things responsible fathers can't do, - and I am not speaking about sexual freedom, sleeping around was never my choice in the first place.

The thought has indeed occurred to me that she would see me as a wallet. I wasn't born yesterday.

The problem is that if her ex-husband doesn't pay her child support payments, it will automatically be down to me, no matter if I was legally responsible or not. It would in the end, hurt the relationship.

daveluzbo

Advice an old guy at work once gave me, that i wished I had of taken..."when in doubt".

Ah cool mate. Eastern Europe, SE Asia, Central and South America are great places for single dudes.

Yeah later on, if she can prove that you are in a defacto relationship, you could get screwed over with a break up and/or child support payments. Screw that mate. Also protect yourself at all times(just saying).

Good luck

tinytobe

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121541491#Comment_121541491

The lady in question is of Latin American background. I have been guessing that advice right from the start. The prospect of love and relationship clouded that in the beginning, but things are dawning on me.

It's quite possible, I would be a financial back up strategy, if her current ex-husband doesn't pay his child support payments.

And if this is the case, even if I never meet her ex-husband, we'd always be connected by this ugly and strange chain of events, the children, he's supposed to financially care about. That's the nasty part, which would always be there, no matter what.

Currently, legally she can't do anything. We're in different countries, different laws, not married at all, nothing, she doesn't even have my address in Ireland, as I am moving as well.....

daveluzbo

@daveluzbo Generalisations are against the Charter here. Posts in PI are expect to be of a higher standard ie decent well phrased advice. Please read the Charter which can be found here before posting in this forum again.

HS

Rubberchikken

My advice for what it's worth is don't consider it.

It might have been good at one time but do you really want to take all that on?

I appreciate that she has been unwell enough to attempt to die and it's very sad but is it what you want..to be wondering if it could occur again ..the added issues that come with two children by other exes..

I'm being selfish I know but there comes a time when a person has to stop and think of what they really want in life.

TheadoreT

I'm not buying the interfering person that split the relationship, if she really loved you nothing like that would matter. We tell little lies to ourselves about such things to make rejection sting less.

The odds are absolutely stacked against you here:

Failed previous relationship, financial issues, her kids will be her priority, messy ex's in the picture, not living in same area, mental health issues, physical health issues.

You're pinning a lot on this "love" that ultimately wasn't even strong enough to overcome challenges. At worst you're looking at someone potentially trying to take advantage, at best it sounds like a massive headache.

Given you sound like you're happily single I think you'd be bonkers to pursue this further. It might be worth delving into why you'd even consider it to be honest. Possibly blinded by beauty? Savior complex? Severe loneliness?

tinytobe

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121542755#Comment_121542755

She came as an au pair to a foreign country in Europe, her visa had limits and so had her language skills in that country, the culture was alien to her, and she had to fit into a family where the husband wanted to cheat on is wife with her, but instead she started a relationship with me.

Husband then set a couple of activities to get me out of the picture, like blaming me for all sorts of things, making threats, her not doing the job as she should, etc.... in the end, she left and flew home earlier than previously agreed.

We both went our separate ways then. Legally I could not have sponsored her back then either, unless I married her right away, - and that would have been risky as well.

She later on returned to Europe, how she could stay or managed to stay in Europe is still a mystery to me ( most likely by marriage), - in the end, she was naturalized in this EU country. But now, two longer failed relationships of her, one ex-husband with a history of beating her up, two children out of these previous relationships, one being a marriage, makes things very difficult.

Initially she was very keen in resuming our relationship, I was blinded by beauty and a certain level of loneliness, she was initially very focused on myself, but now she's making certain demands, some of them a bit unrealistic. She also confessed to me one suicide attempt and financial problems, where she had to borrow money from friends as her ex-husband doesn't want to pay child support payments, or if so, irregularly.

I am beginning to see she either sees me as a valet, another financial source, or she is crazy enough to really love me. The latter I find harder and harder to believe.

Hannibal_Smith

We're in different countries, different laws, not married at all, nothing, she doesn't even have my address in Ireland, as I am moving as well

Is her plan to uproot her children to ireland just to be with you? So she'd be living with you from the start? How long were you together for initially?

At the end of the day, you're trying to convince yourself you should consider a relationship, when your gut is telling you no way. Why are you ignoring it?

mailforkev

Sure, people have baggage. But there’s regular baggage and then there’s this giant pile of burning suitcases surrounded by red flags. You would be mad to even consider it.

tinytobe

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121542871#Comment_121542871

She kept telling me, that her children won't be a problem, she would move to Ireland to be with me, and her children would be with her ex-husband. Now, I think this is a lie she concocted out of desperation of finding a man and possible financial problems.

In the end, I have to get her out of my mind as hard as it is.

She's only beautiful, and has a nice side to herself, but I don't think she's always honest as well. And then there is her genetic illness, causing her to have regular nausea and feelings of tiredness.

This would be a problematic relationship with lot's of hurdles to overcome, many of them would be out of my control.

Dial Hard

I mean this in the kindest possible way, OP, but it seems obvious to me from some of your other posts that you might not be the most wordly-wise person. The fact that you are even *considering* this relationship just cements that even further for me. Why - literally why - would you even give a moment's thought to pursuing this when there are thousands of perfectly drama-free women who actually live in the same country as you???

Turn away now. That way madness lies.

tinytobe

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121542938#Comment_121542938

Looking back, the experience was positive once, many many years ago. She was the only woman who loved me in the way that she considered me the centre of her life.

Looking at the situation now, you are correct. I have to leave now, I have to forget her. Consider somebody in Ireland, is the way better choice.

Pawwed Rig

Her children would be with her ex husband? The one that doesn't pay child support?

There are no positives for you here other than potential regular sex and the odd night out. In general any parent I have ever met - the kids come first (and rightly so). Everything else is secondary. It is the rare parent that would leave their kids to pursue a relationship and they would be Jerry Springer types.

Do not even entertain this situation. It is nuts

TheadoreT

Come on OP, saying she'll leave her kids to come to you(whether true or not, i think the latter) is surely not a characteristic you'd want in a partner.

The more I read the more I think she knows you're flattered by her attention and is trying to manipulate you financially. Don't send her money no matter how many sob stories she tells you, and for goodness sake forget about her and continue to enjoy your drama free life.

yourdeadwright

Honestly i don't think its worth the hassle, Seems like alot to take on your plate,

Why didn't it work first time ? if they left you i wouldn't go near this could be a case of life hasn't worked out & now your "good enough" (you'll do )

Nostalgia could also be at play,

f i was you i'd leave the nice relationship you've had in the past , & remember it what it was for,

This time your also bringing two kids hat aren't yours into the relationship & your life & don't forget also both them kid's other parent is all of a sudden a big part of your life,

The suicide attempt doesn't worry as people can change & get better, the rest worries me ,

tinytobe

Thanks for all the tips here. It all makes sense.

I've actually had similar thoughts. Emotions sometimes take over easily.

Realistically thought, it's all a no go.

HalloweenJack

There's something that doesn't add up for me with this story:

You say she has two children by two different men. Yet, you then say that she would leave them with her ex-husband (my understanding is he's only the father to one of them) who doesn't pay child support in the first place.

Legally, how would that be possible? Secondly, why would you want to be with someone so callous?

As an aside, you keep trying to bring up the illness and her suicide attempt. You don't seem to be ready yourself for being with someone with such problems. The both of you'd be better off letting this one go.

tinytobe

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121543407#Comment_121543407

As far as I know, the 2nd husband was legally fine with the idea of paying for child number one, when he married her. Thus upon divorce he still seems financially responsible for both, - at least legally.

If this is true or not, I don't know.

Also, suppose, hypothetical situation, both her children wouldn't like me, or get on with me. Suppose she would really move to Ireland and join me in Dublin, how would her children react to that? They are both minors? The ex-husband probably doesn't want to take care of them at all, - he barely wants to pay regularly.... And if her ex-husband doesn't pay, it'll automatically be down to me, but honestly I am not prepared to provide for two children, who are not mine, - don't even have that financial capability.

And yes you're right about your last statement.

There are too many issues. I have to wake up and realize all that.

YellowLead

Fair play for taking on board all the advice here OP. You must have been blinded by lust and flattery to have considered this at all. This woman sees you as a solution to all her problems. She may have found it easy in the past to tie men down with her beauty, but this time with two failed narratives, two children and no means to support them financially she’ll find it harder and harder, hence she was trying for an easy option with you as you have history together. She is lying about the children because it’s highly unlikely somebody who won’t pay child support is going to take them on full time! And if it was true and she was going to she abandon them that’s an awful thing to do and not the mark of a nice person at all.

Does she work?

tinytobe

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121543678#Comment_121543678

It's wise to abandon this line of amore-encounter, I've understood that by now.

Yes, she works. Her salary covers her rent and a bit more, plus it is supplemented by some in country welfare agency.

She's beautiful, partly of Portuguese origin, partly indigenous Latin American. She speaks Spanish and French, but English is limited, which would be another challenge to overcome once in Ireland. But that's the least of my concerns.

Her ex husband seems to be a very successful man, technically and analytically minded, money doesn't seem to matter to him, but he also only pays her child support payments as he likes it or not. This is odd, given his high intellectual level and that the knowledge that his odds of cheating the law are minimal. The reason why they split up, according to her was violent behaviour and beating her up, - which is more surprising given his professional background.

Is there such a thing as real love or do women only want to tie down men with beauty and sex and financial security in return? Sometimes one get's the impression, but can be fooled every time. ( I am not the most experienced in this field )

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121543751#Comment_121543751

Would she find work over here if she moved? If she’s able to pay her way why would she need to move in with you - or is it that she won’t earn enough to afford ireland?

Most people are looking for love - there’s only a minority who have ulterior motives. For the few with ulterior motives when it’s men it tends to be about looks and women about money. Unfortunately the chances increase when a woman can’t fund the lifestyle she wants and needs to get married for a visa. If a woman can stand on her own two feet financially and doesn’t need marriage for a visa there is less of a risk that she’s just out to be housed.

Look for love with somebody who doesn’t need anything from you.

BTW it’s a myth that only poor men are abusive - there are just as many successful men (and women) at it.

iniscealtra

You’d be mad to even consider this. Remember you are going by what she is telling you. Who knows what the truth is.

madness 1. she lives abroad and doesn’t speak English well. Are you fluent in Spanish? Her children will also not speak English.

madness 2: she wants to leave her children with a man who doesn’t pay child maintenance and leave them in another country

madness 3: if she does bring the children to Ireland she is taking them from the country where their father’s live, denying them access etc.

madness 4: she is mentally unwell

madness 5: she is physically unwell. Will this lead to her not working in Ireland ?

madness 6: it seems she will expect you to provide for her and her two children

madness 7: you have no idea of the truth of any of this

Cut off contact now

Start dating women who live here, are independent, speak a common language and are mentally stable.

tinytobe

Yes, it's wise to stop this, even though it'll hurt her, but I also have to protect myself. I speak French to a very good degree, so that's fine.

Her physical as well as mental problems are hard to judge. It'll be a big if. It's hard to know if she could receive medical treatment for her genetic disorder in Ireland, the mental problems seem to be down to her husband beating her, and apparently close friends of hers committing suicide once. At the moment she doesn't take any medications.

She's never been fired for her medical problems, as far as I know, and she does want to work, not being dependent on a man, but that might change at some point, if say her physical condition would be more difficult?

She does have a solicitor, who does look after things, regarding financial support payments by her ex-husband, - but regardless of this, I clearly don't want ever to be involved in such a matter, - even if her ex-husband doesn't pay once, it'll have a negative impact and negative discussions within our relationship.

Visitation rights to her children will also be a big thing, once she's in Ireland. As far as I know, the children won't be joining her.

amdublin

Trust your gut on this one, I think you know the answer here

Tork

OP, I'm afraid I've got to chime in with the others and advise you to steer well clear. I'm not convinced you're being given a truthful or full story about her past. Even that story about the lead-up to her leaving the country doesn't add up for me. She sounds like a woman who's in bother and is looking around for somebody to bail her out. I read her backstory as one where she uses men to get her out of awkward situations. It's very convenient that she got together with you when she was having trouble in her lodgings. Then she married somebody, possibly with the sole intention of staying in Europe. Now she's in more strife and she's sniffing around again. There should be more to any relationship than the other person's beauty. You seem to be obsessed with her looks and are perhaps filling in the blanks You haven't said how good your foreign languages are. All we know is that her English isn't great. Did you ever communicate with her on a deep level? You sound like somebody who couldn't believe his luck when he got with this exotic beauty.

TheadoreT

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121543751#Comment_121543751

Your last paragraph is very problematic OP, I think you could do with some therepy. Of course there's such thing as true love. What you feel for this woman is infatuation though, not love. You say she doesn't even have a good command of English so your obsession was built upon looks before personality. If you're that way inclined you're much more likely to encounter women who will take advantage of you, and to be honest you'd kinda deserve it.

Don't let the acts of women you're chasing predominantly for looks before all else give you a self fulfilled prophecy that all women are like that.

tinytobe

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121543925#Comment_121543925

I noticed all that. If you are from Latin America your chances of getting a visa in an EU country are probably slim, unless you're in a skilled profession. So the other option for her would have been relationship and marriage and the more money the husband has the better......

We do communicate on a deep level as well, but not certain if all she says is true or not. Citizenship is no longer the concern, that is clear now, but money would be, or some kind of attitude the likes of "let's do it, as long as I still look attractive enough"....

iniscealtra

She should also be paying maintenance for her children if they are going to be living with their father / fathers.

Big Bag of Chips

Suppose she would really move to Ireland and join me in Dublin

She doesn't even live in Ireland? Forget it and move on. She's looking for a white knight to rescue her and sort out her financial problems by taking on financial responsibility of her and her 2 children.

Even if both fathers were contributing a fair amount the fact that they would all move in with you would lead to you financially supporting them all. Unless you would keep your and their expenses 100% separate? How would you even do that? Separate food cupboards? Cook separate meals? Only pay 1/4 of the electricity bill regardless of whether she pays the other 3/4 or not?

This is a non-runner. You knew her a long time ago when you were both much younger and much different. She's no longer that person.

Tork

Even if you decide to give things a go and you then realise it's a non-runner, getting out of this bind will be tricky. I can't see them doing anything other than moving in with you, and there's where the trouble starts. If you break up, you'll be the bad guy who's chucking an ill woman and her two children out onto the street. A woman who says she has been suicidal in the past.

Larbre34

Your gut is correct, in my opinion. Subconsciously, your attraction may be composed substantially from sympathy. The human instinct to protect and nurture is very strong, but can be disguised in other, more conscious emotions.

Objectively, no person needs the depth of trouble and difficulty this woman is in, and would bring onto you. It's one thing if it begins within a relationship, where there is an existing commitment and a strong aspect of responsibility.

But not when you currently have no ties. If I were in your position, reflecting on what may happen, I would cut off all contact more or less immediately.

tinytobe

Thanks for all the support.

I was too dumb and blind all the time, but I've been guessing it all along.

Seth Brundle

Am I correct in my understanding that she divorced her ex-husband because he was abusive and he now won't pay child support in any reliable way but she is quite content letting him babysit her kids (at least one of whom is not his)?

She sounds like a complete liar tbh!

tinytobe

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121544446#Comment_121544446

To my knowledge this is the case. Last time she had to get a court order via her lawyer and a couple of bailiffs turned up at the place where her ex-husband lives. The news is now that by end of January the ex-husband will pay again. However don't know if this is true or not.

Who knows how that would happen, if she was in Ireland? Let alone not seeing her kids regularly?

Also to bring the suicide attempt into the picture again, which mother would kill herself, if she knows that there are kids around growing up without her at all? ( not her moving to Ireland )

This would also indicate a strong insecure and out of balance character.

The other question is also, why is she telling me all this, - if she was a con-artist and after my money, she would certainly be hiding all this. But she doesn't. Why?

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121544525#Comment_121544525

To get your sympathy!!!

tinytobe

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121544530#Comment_121544530

It's possible. It's also possible she's been successful with a similar strategy. And success can be repeated at best.

If I was in her shoes and wanted to do this, I'd probably hide all this from the future lover / future husband / potential victim.......

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121544562#Comment_121544562

But why would you give money or invite her to live with you if you didn’t know she was in trouble? She needs to make you feel like you’d be saving her. Different if you lived in the same country but how else could she make a case to come and live with you because that makes no sense otherwise

iniscealtra

It’s called the Béal Bocht in Irish. Feel sorry for me is the aim and taking no responsibility for the situation you’re in. It is always someone else’s fault and a huge catastrophe. She is looking for your sympathy and for you to play the white knight. Simple. People who constantly plead the Béal Bocht get very tiring to be around. In the end you don’t know the truth from the lies. Stay away.

As said by a previous poster of the ex was abusive why the hell would she want to leave the kids with him and skip the country?

lawred2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058328482/problematic-relationship-question

Good Lord. Head for the hills.

Put it this way, if your closest friend came to you with this seeking advice; what would your first response be?

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121544525#Comment_121544525

The most important part of this post is 'to my knowledge'. All the 'knowledge' you have comes from her, which is very one-sided and all over the place. None of it makes sense. How is she going to pursue a claim for maintenance from a husband living on another continent? You've been talking remotely for x amount of time and all you're hearing is what she's telling you. As I said the story shes telling you makes no sense at all. She's terminally ill (at least I think that's what you said in your OP?) and wants to move to another continent without her children for how long? She will have no continuity of care regarding her medical situation, physically or mentally (considering her suicide attempt).

Her ex isn't paying maintenance or at least its on an ad hoc basis yet he's going to take on two children full time, only one if which is his? On that note why would you be concerned about maintenance/picking up the slack if the children aren't even living with you?

You're taking everything she's telling you as gospel because she's paying you compliments. You know it doesn't add up to you, so I hope you've blocked her by now. And next time someone on the internet starts feeding you a line, step back and think before digging yourself in deeper.

tinytobe

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121544883#Comment_121544883

Her ex husband also lives in Europe, not in another continent. At least that one is according to this country's law and within the EU.

She is also not terminally ill, but has a genetic disorder. Under certain conditions she can expect a normal life span, currently she doesn't even take medication. However this genetic disorder makes her very unpredictable, long headaches or aches, or one day maybe per month when she call in sick at work. But I don't know how that works out in the future.

I think you've all made your point very well understood.

And I will also try to forget her.

Dial Hard

OP, why are you still trying to talk yourself into or out of this situation? If you were reading this or hearing it from a friend, what would your reaction be? You'd say that this woman is clearly a gold-digging opportunist who lives in cloud cuckoo land.

Seriously, give your head a wobble. And maybe consider some counselling or therapy to help you understand why you would even begin to consider getting into something like this. Genuine question, have you ever been in a relationship with an Irish woman or have you mostly found yourself attracted to/approached by non-nationals?