problematic relationship question

tinytobe

Yes, it's wise to stop this, even though it'll hurt her, but I also have to protect myself. I speak French to a very good degree, so that's fine.

Her physical as well as mental problems are hard to judge. It'll be a big if. It's hard to know if she could receive medical treatment for her genetic disorder in Ireland, the mental problems seem to be down to her husband beating her, and apparently close friends of hers committing suicide once. At the moment she doesn't take any medications.

She's never been fired for her medical problems, as far as I know, and she does want to work, not being dependent on a man, but that might change at some point, if say her physical condition would be more difficult?

She does have a solicitor, who does look after things, regarding financial support payments by her ex-husband, - but regardless of this, I clearly don't want ever to be involved in such a matter, - even if her ex-husband doesn't pay once, it'll have a negative impact and negative discussions within our relationship.

Visitation rights to her children will also be a big thing, once she's in Ireland. As far as I know, the children won't be joining her.

amdublin

Trust your gut on this one, I think you know the answer here

Tork

OP, I'm afraid I've got to chime in with the others and advise you to steer well clear. I'm not convinced you're being given a truthful or full story about her past. Even that story about the lead-up to her leaving the country doesn't add up for me. She sounds like a woman who's in bother and is looking around for somebody to bail her out. I read her backstory as one where she uses men to get her out of awkward situations. It's very convenient that she got together with you when she was having trouble in her lodgings. Then she married somebody, possibly with the sole intention of staying in Europe. Now she's in more strife and she's sniffing around again. There should be more to any relationship than the other person's beauty. You seem to be obsessed with her looks and are perhaps filling in the blanks You haven't said how good your foreign languages are. All we know is that her English isn't great. Did you ever communicate with her on a deep level? You sound like somebody who couldn't believe his luck when he got with this exotic beauty.

TheadoreT

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121543751#Comment_121543751

Your last paragraph is very problematic OP, I think you could do with some therepy. Of course there's such thing as true love. What you feel for this woman is infatuation though, not love. You say she doesn't even have a good command of English so your obsession was built upon looks before personality. If you're that way inclined you're much more likely to encounter women who will take advantage of you, and to be honest you'd kinda deserve it.

Don't let the acts of women you're chasing predominantly for looks before all else give you a self fulfilled prophecy that all women are like that.

tinytobe

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121543925#Comment_121543925

I noticed all that. If you are from Latin America your chances of getting a visa in an EU country are probably slim, unless you're in a skilled profession. So the other option for her would have been relationship and marriage and the more money the husband has the better......

We do communicate on a deep level as well, but not certain if all she says is true or not. Citizenship is no longer the concern, that is clear now, but money would be, or some kind of attitude the likes of "let's do it, as long as I still look attractive enough"....

iniscealtra

She should also be paying maintenance for her children if they are going to be living with their father / fathers.

Big Bag of Chips

Suppose she would really move to Ireland and join me in Dublin

She doesn't even live in Ireland? Forget it and move on. She's looking for a white knight to rescue her and sort out her financial problems by taking on financial responsibility of her and her 2 children.

Even if both fathers were contributing a fair amount the fact that they would all move in with you would lead to you financially supporting them all. Unless you would keep your and their expenses 100% separate? How would you even do that? Separate food cupboards? Cook separate meals? Only pay 1/4 of the electricity bill regardless of whether she pays the other 3/4 or not?

This is a non-runner. You knew her a long time ago when you were both much younger and much different. She's no longer that person.

Tork

Even if you decide to give things a go and you then realise it's a non-runner, getting out of this bind will be tricky. I can't see them doing anything other than moving in with you, and there's where the trouble starts. If you break up, you'll be the bad guy who's chucking an ill woman and her two children out onto the street. A woman who says she has been suicidal in the past.

Larbre34

Your gut is correct, in my opinion. Subconsciously, your attraction may be composed substantially from sympathy. The human instinct to protect and nurture is very strong, but can be disguised in other, more conscious emotions.

Objectively, no person needs the depth of trouble and difficulty this woman is in, and would bring onto you. It's one thing if it begins within a relationship, where there is an existing commitment and a strong aspect of responsibility.

But not when you currently have no ties. If I were in your position, reflecting on what may happen, I would cut off all contact more or less immediately.

tinytobe

Thanks for all the support.

I was too dumb and blind all the time, but I've been guessing it all along.

Seth Brundle

Am I correct in my understanding that she divorced her ex-husband because he was abusive and he now won't pay child support in any reliable way but she is quite content letting him babysit her kids (at least one of whom is not his)?

She sounds like a complete liar tbh!

tinytobe

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121544446#Comment_121544446

To my knowledge this is the case. Last time she had to get a court order via her lawyer and a couple of bailiffs turned up at the place where her ex-husband lives. The news is now that by end of January the ex-husband will pay again. However don't know if this is true or not.

Who knows how that would happen, if she was in Ireland? Let alone not seeing her kids regularly?

Also to bring the suicide attempt into the picture again, which mother would kill herself, if she knows that there are kids around growing up without her at all? ( not her moving to Ireland )

This would also indicate a strong insecure and out of balance character.

The other question is also, why is she telling me all this, - if she was a con-artist and after my money, she would certainly be hiding all this. But she doesn't. Why?

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121544525#Comment_121544525

To get your sympathy!!!

tinytobe

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121544530#Comment_121544530

It's possible. It's also possible she's been successful with a similar strategy. And success can be repeated at best.

If I was in her shoes and wanted to do this, I'd probably hide all this from the future lover / future husband / potential victim.......

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121544562#Comment_121544562

But why would you give money or invite her to live with you if you didn’t know she was in trouble? She needs to make you feel like you’d be saving her. Different if you lived in the same country but how else could she make a case to come and live with you because that makes no sense otherwise

iniscealtra

It’s called the Béal Bocht in Irish. Feel sorry for me is the aim and taking no responsibility for the situation you’re in. It is always someone else’s fault and a huge catastrophe. She is looking for your sympathy and for you to play the white knight. Simple. People who constantly plead the Béal Bocht get very tiring to be around. In the end you don’t know the truth from the lies. Stay away.

As said by a previous poster of the ex was abusive why the hell would she want to leave the kids with him and skip the country?

lawred2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058328482/problematic-relationship-question

Good Lord. Head for the hills.

Put it this way, if your closest friend came to you with this seeking advice; what would your first response be?

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121544525#Comment_121544525

The most important part of this post is 'to my knowledge'. All the 'knowledge' you have comes from her, which is very one-sided and all over the place. None of it makes sense. How is she going to pursue a claim for maintenance from a husband living on another continent? You've been talking remotely for x amount of time and all you're hearing is what she's telling you. As I said the story shes telling you makes no sense at all. She's terminally ill (at least I think that's what you said in your OP?) and wants to move to another continent without her children for how long? She will have no continuity of care regarding her medical situation, physically or mentally (considering her suicide attempt).

Her ex isn't paying maintenance or at least its on an ad hoc basis yet he's going to take on two children full time, only one if which is his? On that note why would you be concerned about maintenance/picking up the slack if the children aren't even living with you?

You're taking everything she's telling you as gospel because she's paying you compliments. You know it doesn't add up to you, so I hope you've blocked her by now. And next time someone on the internet starts feeding you a line, step back and think before digging yourself in deeper.

tinytobe

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121544883#Comment_121544883

Her ex husband also lives in Europe, not in another continent. At least that one is according to this country's law and within the EU.

She is also not terminally ill, but has a genetic disorder. Under certain conditions she can expect a normal life span, currently she doesn't even take medication. However this genetic disorder makes her very unpredictable, long headaches or aches, or one day maybe per month when she call in sick at work. But I don't know how that works out in the future.

I think you've all made your point very well understood.

And I will also try to forget her.

Dial Hard

OP, why are you still trying to talk yourself into or out of this situation? If you were reading this or hearing it from a friend, what would your reaction be? You'd say that this woman is clearly a gold-digging opportunist who lives in cloud cuckoo land.

Seriously, give your head a wobble. And maybe consider some counselling or therapy to help you understand why you would even begin to consider getting into something like this. Genuine question, have you ever been in a relationship with an Irish woman or have you mostly found yourself attracted to/approached by non-nationals?

tinytobe

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121546463#Comment_121546463

No therapy necessary. I would actually prefer Irish, to be honest. The culture is closer to me.

As said, I am wiser now, very much wiser.

I just needed to wake up.

Tork

You don't sound like you've ruled it out though.

TheadoreT

What was the nature of your initial relationship with her OP? Were you together for long? Did you provide for her much back then?

tinytobe

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121546924#Comment_121546924

We were both madly in love back then. Now many years after the love still exists, but circumstances around each other changed.

TheadoreT

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121547391#Comment_121547391

You didn't answer the questions and you're likely projecting your own feelings onto her.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121547391#Comment_121547391

How did you meet her in the first place? How long did the relationship last, how quickly before she said I love you?

If she’s lying through her teeth to you now, don’t you think it’s possible she was back then also?

tinytobe

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121547406#Comment_121547406

No need to.

I've understood it by now.

TheadoreT

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121547438#Comment_121547438

I'm not sure you do. You said the love still exist just 2 posts ago. You're stuck in some sort of decade + long delusion about this and need to snap out of it. The fact you're dodging the questions about providing for her from the start would suggests she's been conning you the entire time and you're finding it difficult to fully come to terms with the reality and the sunk time and emotions (and money?) spent on her.

I really think therepy is worthwhile here.

tinytobe

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121547451#Comment_121547451

The only therapy here is a pint of beer or maybe two or three.

I am honestly not really qualified to have any medical understanding about her genetic condition, nor about suicide attempts and 2 children from previous relationships.

In, the end, all no go's and red flags all over.

Purple Mountain

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121547479#Comment_121547479

In reality though, you only have her word for it that she has a serious medical condition and has attempted suicide.

Somebody in another country who you have not met in many years, communicating by email only can hide a lot of truths easily.