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problematic relationship question

tinytobe

Anybody been in a similar situation?

I've met somebody, I haven't seen for years, somebody I've once had a relationship with and feelings never stopped for both of us. But there are certain issues, I have discovered.

Is it wise to consider a relationship with somebody who's had one suicide attempt, two children by two different exes financial problems, and genetic health problems?

It's a tough one. My gut feeling is stop all contact.

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tinytobe

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121542938#Comment_121542938

Looking back, the experience was positive once, many many years ago. She was the only woman who loved me in the way that she considered me the centre of her life.

Looking at the situation now, you are correct. I have to leave now, I have to forget her. Consider somebody in Ireland, is the way better choice.

Dial Hard

I mean this in the kindest possible way, OP, but it seems obvious to me from some of your other posts that you might not be the most wordly-wise person. The fact that you are even *considering* this relationship just cements that even further for me. Why - literally why - would you even give a moment's thought to pursuing this when there are thousands of perfectly drama-free women who actually live in the same country as you???

Turn away now. That way madness lies.

tinytobe

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121542871#Comment_121542871

She kept telling me, that her children won't be a problem, she would move to Ireland to be with me, and her children would be with her ex-husband. Now, I think this is a lie she concocted out of desperation of finding a man and possible financial problems.

In the end, I have to get her out of my mind as hard as it is.

She's only beautiful, and has a nice side to herself, but I don't think she's always honest as well. And then there is her genetic illness, causing her to have regular nausea and feelings of tiredness.

This would be a problematic relationship with lot's of hurdles to overcome, many of them would be out of my control.

mailforkev

Sure, people have baggage. But there’s regular baggage and then there’s this giant pile of burning suitcases surrounded by red flags. You would be mad to even consider it.

Hannibal_Smith

We're in different countries, different laws, not married at all, nothing, she doesn't even have my address in Ireland, as I am moving as well

Is her plan to uproot her children to ireland just to be with you? So she'd be living with you from the start? How long were you together for initially?

At the end of the day, you're trying to convince yourself you should consider a relationship, when your gut is telling you no way. Why are you ignoring it?

tinytobe

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121542755#Comment_121542755

She came as an au pair to a foreign country in Europe, her visa had limits and so had her language skills in that country, the culture was alien to her, and she had to fit into a family where the husband wanted to cheat on is wife with her, but instead she started a relationship with me.

Husband then set a couple of activities to get me out of the picture, like blaming me for all sorts of things, making threats, her not doing the job as she should, etc.... in the end, she left and flew home earlier than previously agreed.

We both went our separate ways then. Legally I could not have sponsored her back then either, unless I married her right away, - and that would have been risky as well.

She later on returned to Europe, how she could stay or managed to stay in Europe is still a mystery to me ( most likely by marriage), - in the end, she was naturalized in this EU country. But now, two longer failed relationships of her, one ex-husband with a history of beating her up, two children out of these previous relationships, one being a marriage, makes things very difficult.

Initially she was very keen in resuming our relationship, I was blinded by beauty and a certain level of loneliness, she was initially very focused on myself, but now she's making certain demands, some of them a bit unrealistic. She also confessed to me one suicide attempt and financial problems, where she had to borrow money from friends as her ex-husband doesn't want to pay child support payments, or if so, irregularly.

I am beginning to see she either sees me as a valet, another financial source, or she is crazy enough to really love me. The latter I find harder and harder to believe.

TheadoreT

I'm not buying the interfering person that split the relationship, if she really loved you nothing like that would matter. We tell little lies to ourselves about such things to make rejection sting less.

The odds are absolutely stacked against you here:

Failed previous relationship, financial issues, her kids will be her priority, messy ex's in the picture, not living in same area, mental health issues, physical health issues.

You're pinning a lot on this "love" that ultimately wasn't even strong enough to overcome challenges. At worst you're looking at someone potentially trying to take advantage, at best it sounds like a massive headache.

Given you sound like you're happily single I think you'd be bonkers to pursue this further. It might be worth delving into why you'd even consider it to be honest. Possibly blinded by beauty? Savior complex? Severe loneliness?

Rubberchikken

My advice for what it's worth is don't consider it.

It might have been good at one time but do you really want to take all that on?

I appreciate that she has been unwell enough to attempt to die and it's very sad but is it what you want..to be wondering if it could occur again ..the added issues that come with two children by other exes..

I'm being selfish I know but there comes a time when a person has to stop and think of what they really want in life.

daveluzbo

@daveluzbo Generalisations are against the Charter here. Posts in PI are expect to be of a higher standard ie decent well phrased advice. Please read the Charter which can be found here before posting in this forum again.

tinytobe

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121541491#Comment_121541491

The lady in question is of Latin American background. I have been guessing that advice right from the start. The prospect of love and relationship clouded that in the beginning, but things are dawning on me.

It's quite possible, I would be a financial back up strategy, if her current ex-husband doesn't pay his child support payments.

And if this is the case, even if I never meet her ex-husband, we'd always be connected by this ugly and strange chain of events, the children, he's supposed to financially care about. That's the nasty part, which would always be there, no matter what.

Currently, legally she can't do anything. We're in different countries, different laws, not married at all, nothing, she doesn't even have my address in Ireland, as I am moving as well.....

daveluzbo

Advice an old guy at work once gave me, that i wished I had of taken..."when in doubt".

Ah cool mate. Eastern Europe, SE Asia, Central and South America are great places for single dudes.

Yeah later on, if she can prove that you are in a defacto relationship, you could get screwed over with a break up and/or child support payments. Screw that mate. Also protect yourself at all times(just saying).

Good luck

tinytobe

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121541292#Comment_121541292

We were both naïve and in love back then. Love produces always some form of naivety. Whilst single, I found other things I liked, spontaneous travel, more financial freedom, resigning from a job just for "not liking it". All the things responsible fathers can't do, - and I am not speaking about sexual freedom, sleeping around was never my choice in the first place.

The thought has indeed occurred to me that she would see me as a wallet. I wasn't born yesterday.

The problem is that if her ex-husband doesn't pay her child support payments, it will automatically be down to me, no matter if I was legally responsible or not. It would in the end, hurt the relationship.

daveluzbo

Nothing wrong with going 'monk mode' amigo. Have you been overseas much?

If she was as madly in love with you as you were with her, nobody would have gotten in the way and she definitely wouldn't have had kids with other men. If you do have a relationship with a single mother, you'll never be seen as the father, but you'll be expected to provide in some way or another.

She has more red flags than a Chinese communist parade. Don't waste ur time or resources. Remember the good times but move on with ur life and without her in it. Don't get sucked into her mess and don't believe everything you are told. Don't be a White Knight!!

If she has been the one who has got back in contact after all these years you need to ask yourself why. My opinion is that she sees you as a wallet and a support system.

tinytobe

I am a single guy myself, and a single mother with two kids is normally a red flag for me.

The problem behind everything is that more than 14 years ago, we were strongly in love, and that feeling never stopped for both sides. The relationship was split apart by somebody who was interfering with us, - an no, it wasn't unfaithfulness.

The red flag is not only her two children, but also the financial issues she has with her ex husband, or husbands, regarding child support payments. The suicide attempt was as far as I can understand in relation to abuse of one of her ex husbands, but still the stigma is naturally there.

She is also suffering medically, from some genetic disease, which can't be cured, but only made milder by certain treatment. It's a rare disease, causing her infrequent pain and nausea.

Also we're in two different towns, and she is a bit more idealistic about us getting together.

My gut feeling is no, and it's also all rather unrealistic at this point.

I've also been single for more than a while, and also discovered the advantages about being single. This together with todays unpredictable job life, it's also more a no feeling.

All sad.

mykrodot

is the OP talking about a man or a woman? There is no indication of either but everyone seems to think its about single mum. This could also be written about a guy but maybe I'm missing something.

daveluzbo

Go with ur gut. You've mentioned a fair few red flags. Personally speaking a single mother is enough of a red flag for myself, let alone all the other stuff you have mentioned.

I'm going to assume the ex broke up with you and years later has got back in contact with you. He/she had all their fun and is now ready to settle down?

Are you a single guy? Age? Have any kids yourself?

[Deleted User]

Ultimately you need to go with your gut. Of course all people come with some baggage, but you would need to ask yourself in the cold light of day “this baggage would be mine too, can I carry it?” “Would the relationship be good for her?” “Would it be good for me?” “Would it be good for the children?” You do right to question it, as you have some serious doubts. Of you do re-enter a relationship with her, there’s the dopamine reward of the excitement, it’s the instinct that keeps the world populated; but are you going to hit a particularly rough path sooner rather than later and wonder where this sense of positivity has exited stage left.

If you are going to enter any kind of relationship with her, do it tenuously at first, see how the land lies and see what a committed relationship with her might look like. Keep busy also with your usual activities, hobbies, commitments, so that you give yourself time to test the waters. Then if it starts looking like the makings of a highly stressful life for either or both of you, end it sooner rather than later.

Padre_Pio

Remember the reasons the relationship stopped, and add that to your list of concerns.

thefa

It’s hard to be sure without knowing more detail on the severity and timing of the issues called out but I don’t see the combination of them helping you having a happy relationship.

If you enter into this relationship, you may want to set your expectations low and know that everything can’t be fixed so you could be dealing with some for the duration.

I would go with your gut too.

radiotrickster

Everyone has problems and baggage, some more than others. A suicide attempt doesn’t mean they’re not capable of becoming a mentally healthy and loving partner but if your gut says to stop then stop. Simple as that.