problematic relationship question

tinytobe

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121549105#Comment_121549105

I have decided a long time ago, that any kind of relationship with a woman where there are children from a previous marriage or relationship is totally out of the question. The ex-husband, the question about child support payments and that resulting in issues and extra stress on the relationship is impossible for me to deal with. The only possible exception would be if the ex-husband died and thus is no longer going to be a factor.

The only other exception I would make or better consider ( and a consideration is not a decision) is for this particular woman in question. However as it was said, and I would more and more strongly agree, the time which passed changed both of us and there is too much baggage involved, right from the start.

marilynrr

You're doing the right thing not pursuing this relationship but some of your comments are pretty misogynistic.

Her ex husband seems to be a very successful man, technically and analytically minded, money doesn't seem to matter to him, but he also only pays her child support payments as he likes it or not. This is odd, given his high intellectual level and that the knowledge that his odds of cheating the law are minimal. The reason why they split up, according to her was violent behaviour and beating her up, - which is more surprising given his professional background.

Why is that surprising? Professional, successful men can beat women.

Is there such a thing as real love or do women only want to tie down men with beauty and sex and financial security in return? Sometimes one get's the impression, but can be fooled every time. ( I am not the most experienced in this field )

You think only men can be capable of real love? You seem to be mainly focused on her beauty, would you have considered this relationship if she was unattractive?

Also to bring the suicide attempt into the picture again, which mother would kill herself, if she knows that there are kids around growing up without her at all? ( not her moving to Ireland )

Suicidal ones? Do you question the fathers who do it? I understand that mothers are less likely to do it and I know from personal experience that mothers will often really really try their best to stay alive even if they feel that way and try to limit the risk by not drinking alcohol etc but suicidal thoughts can make parents think their kids are better off without them and mothers often try their very best to try to understand that their thoughts are irrational but some just can't fight those thoughts. Moving to Ireland without her kids should surely be the bigger concern?

Also your comments on single mothers being a red flag is offensive, it's completely fine not to date them of course and no judgement there at all but labelling it as a 'red flag' is definitely offensive. And the fact you considered dating a woman who you're deeply suspicious of mainly it seems because of her beauty would also be considered a red flag by many women.

Someone suggested therapy and you said a few pints would sort it but I think you really need to look at your attitudes towards women and relationships too.

seamusk84

Wouldn’t have an issue with the kids or the mental issues. We all have our problems to work through; it’s these experiences that make us all the people we are.

Its your history with her and what you have said about her ex partners.

Run.

notAMember

Ditto, stay clear, and you need to sort yourself out before you start any other relationship. The constant refrain of “You need therapy” doesn’t seem to be getting through, please reflect on it.

The objectification of the person in this discussion in particular is very strong. I see neither of you speak each other’s mother tongue. Communication is the foundation of adult relationships. Anything else is pure objectification, which fades fast when reality kicks in.

Reeks of the double standard where men go to a disadvantaged country, overwhelm a local woman who they find exotic looking with their wealth and attention, bring her to Ireland and then accuse her of being a gold digger when she has no choice but to rely on him.

Idbatterim

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058328482/problematic-relationship-question

Are you looking For a relationship and is it hard for you to find them? Sounds like you're letting yourself in for a world of pain with the ex

tinytobe

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121556405#Comment_121556405

I know. And it's not about exotic looks, 2 breasts, beauty and a vagina..... 😊

I think the only thing that drags or better dragged me into this is that looking back at previous relationships she stood out as she was the only one who was prepared to see me the center of her attention at all times. Also, she never made any real financial demands towards me, never. Her love seems honest enough to me. Having said that, that's about it.....

But looking at all the red flags around, it spells trouble all over..... Trouble I certainly don't want to deal with:

• The ex seems to pay child support, but sometimes he doesn't. Plus it bothers me, that every now and then she speaks to him on the phone, - and I want it to be a clean cut (like ex-husband died in a car crash, or of cancer etc...but that wouldn't solve the financial support payment situation.)
• I've never met the ex-husband, but sometimes paying child support, sometimes not, might mean, he wants to stay in touch in some strange way, - either way, I don't like it. He could be playing some dirty game or not..... I don't know. But it would have an impact on our relationship.
• Furthermore, one child has learning difficulties, and myself dragging her to Dublin, would ultimately mean abandoning her children, or seeing less of them. Even if she were to move to Dublin, I simply don't want to be the one who's dragging her away from her children, - and her children won't forget that it would be myself why she's moving away.
• It is unknown how her children would get on with me, or myself with them.
• Her genetic disorder is hard to predict. Apart from fatigue and pain, which is hard enough, it's hard to say what might happen in the future
• Even though we can communicate more than well, French is still a foreign language to me
• There are different values due to different lifestyles and jobs. This can be overcome, but not with all the mentioned red flags
• Certain subjects, which are tougher, and not so nice, ( the current political instability everywhere, politics and wars....) can't be discussed with her, it doesn't interest her.

Tork

Are you sure her love was honest? Really? If I have this right she came here to work as an au pair. Then the husband in the house started making sexual advances towards her. What better way to fend Mr Handsy off than to find herself a boyfriend - fast. Of course she was going to be charming and loving in order to reel you in and keep you there.

From the information you've given us, it's not difficult to surmise that she's a woman with a track record of using men to get what she wants. You for the handsy employer. The husband to stay in Europe. Now, you again because she finds herself with a mountain of new problems. Would she have made contact if she wasn't looking for something off you? I think not.

TheadoreT

You're rationalising that she's into you is purely based on delusion and its the biggest sticking point to you ever moving on.

I'd wager that a) despite you saying she never made financial demands that you've financially supported her in the past and that's 100% her motivation for staying in touch now. And B) that you were never overly intimate for any sustained period (if at all) and she only ever mentally stroked your ego to get what she wanted.

I'm not saying this to be mean and it's clear you're inexperienced but you'll never snap out of this without being brutally honest with yourself. And even if the above isn't fully true you need to forget about her for all the other reasons you've mentioned.

tinytobe

This is all true, very much so.

I am already starting to forget her.

What I still don't know about is her suicide attempt. Who saved her in the end? Or did she wake up that afterwards? Do her children know? Or were the in the worst case present?

Also, which mother would attempt suicide, if she knows that children are in her life?

To me that alone is abnormal, regardless if her ex-husband was beating her or not?

tea and coffee

Is that really any of your concern though? It's in the past. There is nothing you can do to change her attempt now.

This is literally the definition of "not your problem ".

Why are you even entertaining these thoughts? It's so clearly not your circus, not your monkeys.

Why are you still having these conversations with yourself?!

Wanderer78

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121566962#Comment_121566962

as others have said, thread very carefully here, sadly mental health issues, in particular serious ones, are generally extremely complex, theres no logic, just a lot of pain. it takes a hell of a lot of hard work over a long period of time to truly deal the underlying issues, and in my honest opinion, a lot of the time, many of the issues remain to some degree, even if the person spends years interacting with the relevant services.

ive struggled with mental health issues my whole life, and ive accepted, i always will, for the remainder of my life, its just my reality, but thankfully id class mine as relatively mild to moderate issues, ive never had a suicide attempt, or suffered suicidal ideation etc

try not to be judgmental towards those of us that do struggle, we re just in a lot of pain, and sadly we rarely receive the appropriate care to try resolve our issues, we generally end up going round and round, gathering more sh1te along the way, we re not intentionally trying to do this....

...but do you want to walk back into this, be honest with yourself!

tinytobe

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121567250#Comment_121567250

As written, I am moving away from her anyway, it makes no sense to even consider her. It's better to focus on work, in today's uncertain world, it's easier to be single anyway.

The only thing that still draws me to her, is I've never really felt love in any relationship apart from her. That's basically the problem for myself. I've never met any woman who was ever really seriously interested, so the feeling was that it's either starting a relationship with her again, nor nothing at all.

In the end, it was always a lot of patronizing talk by others. The "I am sure there is somebody kind of talk...." all singles have heard before.

It's sadly better to stay single.

marilynrr

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121566962#Comment_121566962

Again so misogynistic and judgemental too

Believe it or not mothers can sometimes be in so much pain or be suffering from such distorted thinking that they kill themselves just like fathers do. Yes it's abnormal thinking, it doesn't mean that the person themselves is abnormal.

The ex seems to pay child support, but sometimes he doesn't. Plus it bothers me, that every now and then she speaks to him on the phone, - and I want it to be a clean cut (like ex-husband died in a car crash, or of cancer etc...but that wouldn't solve the financial support payment situation.)

This is incredibly abnormal. She occasionally speaks to the childs father on the phone so you'd rather he was dead?

As written, I am moving away from her anyway, it makes no sense to even consider her. It's better to focus on work, in today's uncertain world, it's easier to be single anyway.

The only thing that still draws me to her, is I've never really felt love in any relationship apart from her. That's basically the problem for myself. I've never met any woman who was ever really seriously interested, so the feeling was that it's either starting a relationship with her again, nor nothing at all.

In the end, it was always a lot of patronizing talk by others. The "I am sure there is somebody kind of talk...." all singles have heard before.

You said your feelings of love for this woman never went away, maybe you weren't open to other loves the way you should have been. Maybe those women couldn't go all in with you because they knew your heart was elsewhere?

Big Bag of Chips

She has young children, so she has to have contact with their fathers. Do you think if she left her children to come to Dublin to live with you that she'd never again speak to them?

Anybody can be so effected by mental health troubles that they consider taking their own life, and unfortunately many people follow through, including mothers.

I really think you need to step away from this whole situation. It's not suitable for you. I'm not even sure how true everything she tells you is. She seems to have a lot of issues that she needs rescuing from, a pervy employer, mental health, abusive husband/ex, money troubles, unable to cope with her children, wanting to move away. There are simpler relationships out there, and even if there's not it would be preferable to be single than to be in this relationship.