18 year old get out of the house.

amacca

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121536110#Comment_121536110

A lot of 18 year old wouldn't have the income to pay for a house share and be able to eat as well tbh...we don't know if he has enough of an income to house share...we know he has 80 per week but that wouldn't go far nowadays .... then the point has been made its unlikely he would be accepted into anything decent at 18 if there are any other alternatives.

+ might be a lot of regret if anything happens to him if/when apron strings are cut.....might be a middle ground here?, he is only 18, still an immature child nowadays imo..suggestions to set boundaries and a bit of give and take on both sides seem like a better solution to me and I'm not the warm caring fuzzy type....work towards helping him get independence rather than cut him loose in the current environment, give him some independence step back on any unreasonable stuff (like embarrassing him in front of friends) but set clear reasonable house rules that have consequences that won't necessarily leave him potentially homeless/on the streets until there is an alternative and he can go his own way with a viable situation (and hopefully all parties the better for it in the long run as opposed to potentially worse to much worse scenarios)....

At 18 he should only be out on the streets (literally) if its clearly physically abusive / a danger/ drug related etc....and even then there could be a lot of regrets imo...a lot of them are just children in a young adults body at that stage.....actions dictated by frustration, hormones, fantasy and varying degrees of gobshite tendencies.....

Dickie10

lots of jobs in usa or outback in australia where accomadation is cheap ask him to choose a destination usa or australia and you pay for one way flights after that hes on his own

teediddlyeye

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121536193#Comment_121536193

Same.

Straight to the nursing home if they need care in old age. Bye bye, I'll be back when the will is being read.

Princess Calla

I don't get this pack him off to another continent train of thought.

He's not bumming his way through life, up all night sleeping all day, craic.

He has got himself a full-time job that pays well.

The issue here is a teenager fighting with their parents....a sibling fighting with another sibling......pretty much textbook behaviour that's happening up and down the country.

For me what was really telling was saying he acted out at "my parent in-laws funeral" very much "I'm the victim" .....another person would say he acted out at his grandparent's funeral....another parent would give their child a "free pass" ......yeah he may have been out of line , but a bit of compassion would go a long way. The bond between grandparent and grandchild is alot stronger than parent in law and daughter in-law.

I'm also wary of the whole "I'm protecting my daughter spiel" .....it could also be interpreted as I'm not getting my own way ,so I'm going to justify my actions by going into momma bear mode.

My suspicions are this is a golden child/scapegoat dynamic.

While these threads you'll only ever get one side, I would be very interested in hearing the sons side and even the husband's too.

He's extremely entitled about the car though.

nolivesmatter

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121535437#Comment_121535437

It's not a lot to ask for. But when you ask for something it's also only reasonable that you accept the response whichever way it goes.

Hoboo

18 and being told to come home at 8pm?

Not sure the 18 year old is the problem here.

Downlinz

He's a child and you're talking about kicking him out because he *checks notes* wants to spend time with his friends?

Give him a chance to grow up and mature before you sever connections with him. Christ almighty.

If he was 24 then fair enough but the fact kicking a 17 year old out of your house even popped into your head or that you're counting down the days until he's 18 speaks ill of you as parents. He's becoming a young adult which comes with challenges and you aren't suddenly resolved of all parenting responsibilities, this isn't the 1960s.

BorneTobyWilde

How does a 17 year old have a well paying full time job, that would allow him to move out and rent, surely he's still in school.

lbunnae

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121536163#Comment_121536163

A lot of teens especially lads are arrogant.

anndub

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121536163#Comment_121536163

why is earth did you describe him as abusive towards alcohol and drugs in your opening paragraph then?

look, I think you need to look very hard at yourself. what you did to your son is absolutely shocking and you very clearly favour your daughter. my 6 and 4 year old do worse to each other than what you've described here and yet you're dressing it up as if your daughter has been harassed. if she's running to you over ever little thing and you're hand wringing and villifying him over i every disagreement they have I'm not surprised they have no relationship and I'm not surprised you have no relationship with him either. I'm upset thinking about the environment your son is in.

I have a strong suspicion his gripe is not really about the car either. does favouritism of your daughter extend to gifts too? will she be handing up cash to live under your roof at 17 too? I'm not surprised he couldn't look at her when he was dragged out of a pub by his father to keep her happy. the whole situation is bizarre.

NewbridgeIR

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121536514#Comment_121536514

Agreed. Turfing children out when they turn 18 (regardless of economic circumstances, third level prospects etc) is computer-says-no f*cktard stuff.

Dav010

You only have to attend school until you are 16, not sure why posters assume all teenagers do their LC.

KiaraChang

Your situation is very terrible. But... it’s not just that your son started behaving this way? What was the trigger? Have you tried to understand?

YellowLead

OP, even if it isn’t the case - if your son feels that his sister is favoured over him that is going to be hugely hurtful to him and make him resentful and lash out in all sorts of ways. I was that child, and it affected me deeply as a child/teenager and I ended up really disliking my parents and my whole family - I only see them now because they have a good relationship with my son, and also out of duty but there’s no love there.

I think trying to repair the relationship is a better first step than just throwing him out when he’s so young - if you do that you may never have a good relationship with him ever again so think carefully. Do you ever do anything fun with him? Would you watch a movie, one that he likes and share a beer together. Or go on a boat ride or something fun. Or offer to teach him how to drive. Point is spending time together that isn’t arguing time.

I agree expecting a car is totally unreasonable- though my own son is 19 and a lot of his friends parents bought cars for them. Sometimes when you’re that age and you see friends getting things you haven’t got it can make you annoyed - but I agree it’s not something you should do just because some others do, he can lump that one.

It is a tough age for young men in particular as well, the routine of school and seeing friends there is gone and you’re in a very adult world working. Young lads generally don’t face their feelings or talk about them easily and lashing out can be a symptom of something else. It can take them a few years to mature and find their way in the world - remember they don’t view it with the same adult eyes that you can given the benefit of experience and hindsight.

Him fighting with his sister is normal, and if you spoil her over him is even more to be expected. I don’t know what you were thinking insisting he come home from the pub early on Christmas Eve - that’s a big night for young people with their friends and petty as it sounds its a big deal and there was no logic to it bar keeping the sister happy, which isn’t fair. Tbh if he’s as abusive to her as you say, I don’t know why she’d want him there anyway!

Most 18 year old lads if finished school wouldn’t be texting their parents to say where they are and what time coming home, sure at that age you often don’t plan where the night takes you! He’s paying a lot of rent to you for his age and might be resentful of that too (he doesn’t know you’re giving it back to him) I can’t imagine too many of his friends are paying rent and he might see you as overly mean/strict.

Just try and see things from his perspective and try and show him some more care and see then if he might start acting nicer.

fifijk

Many thanks for all of the above.

im just as much at fault as he is.

yes it’s time I cut the apron strings, while giving him the love and support he has always got.

But I’ll be saying no more aggressive behavior in the house.

But with my changes, the aggression might subside, hopefully.

Again.

Thank you all.

and enjoy the rest of the holidays.

spakman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121536861#Comment_121536861

Best of luck - hopefully things improve for all of you shortly.

reclose

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121536861#Comment_121536861

Fair play for being willing to see possible reasons in how you are playing a role in this too.

lbunnae

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121536963#Comment_121536963

Seems Bizzare to say it’s my fault too but eh he’s still getting turfed out now

reclose

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121536968#Comment_121536968

I think the poster was open to kicking him out before they realised that they were possibly playing a role in why he was behaving that way.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121536968#Comment_121536968

Except that's not what she said.

Best of luck OP. I still think you'd probably all benefit from some family therapy.

Cushtie

Best of luck OP. I'm sure it will all work out in time.

When I think back to when I was 18, I was a right little shite at times to my parents. Only wanted to be out in the pub with mates drinking and chasing girls.

You seem like a good parent, his growing up into manhood is hard on both of you. Lay down the rules, but don't be too hard on the lad. He will come good. The foundation is there.

TheSunIsShining

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121536861#Comment_121536861

Best of luck with it all

HildaOgdenx

Mod - Some posts deleted. 

• Personal Issues is an advice forum. 
• Posters are required to offer advice or opinion to the OP in their replies.
• Replies are expected to be mature, civil and well phrased.

If you are unfamiliar with the forum, please read the charter in full before posting here again. 

Hilda

mykrodot

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121536540#Comment_121536540

I have to say I think you are being particularly hard on the poster, indeed in a previous post you called her the abuser!

This sounds to me like a very loving and very concerned mother, but also a mother who cannot take any more abuse from her son. If a young lad arrives in drunk, causes arguments, bullies his parents, demands to be "hit" in order to start violent behaviour, this is completely unacceptable.

Yes there may be reasons and the mother may inadvertently have contributed to his feelings of anger, but a line has to be drawn. I would ask if you have an 18 year old son who is abusive to you and if so how does that make you feel? I very much doubt it.

I have been through this, as a single mother, with 2 daughters. One was manageable, but the youngest at 18 was a holy terror. She lied, she fought with me, called me names, turned off her phone, never replied to texts, was out drinking when she said she was in friends houses, had a string of boyfriends who I never knew about. She also mitched from school and lied about that. I was at my wits end. I used to say that teenagers at 17 and 18 were like thoroughbred racehorses, you were holding on to the reins with all your strength. You had to know when you could ease up on the reins a bit but also when to pull back. You couldn't relax the reins completely at that age. Eventually I could, when she reached 21. I felt then she was more mature, was in college and had moved into digs. I was better able to deal with things when she wasn't living at home all the time. She needed to grow up

By the time she was 25 it was all out of her system, she had a brilliant job in London, was top of her team, promoted, was reliable, calm, confident and most of all had lost the madness. One day she turned around and said her biggest regret was putting me through so much grief and worry. Teenage years are terribly hard on parents. You do your best to have open communication, spend time together, etc, but sometimes none of it works. Its a mad time, a time you could very nearly give up on them. I completely understand and sympathize with the parents in this case. I hope they can can through it as their son sounds hardworking but also sounds like he is in trouble. His "friends" might not be helping the situation.

All I can say is let those who are criticizing the parents in this case put themselves in their shoes. If you are young yourselves now, someday you will probably have kids this age yourselves and you will see things very differently. As the saying goes " before you judge a man walk a mile in his shoes".

Good luck OP, I hope things work out.

claregal1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121534740#Comment_121534740

But what exactly is the OP describing? Sending the kids father down to the pub to get him out is way over the top. My 3 early 20's didn't come home from the pub Christmas eve till closing time and I had plans to do Christmas eve Mass with my daughter. I didn't ring or send my husband to the pub to bring them home even though we had plans made.

He is a young male trying to assert himself tbh. It all kicked off in my house over one of the kids drinking the last can of coke. Didn't matter there was 2 big bottles of coke in the fridge...

Anyways OP, I hope you managed to have a nice Christmas day with your family and wishing you all the best for the new year. Being a parent is hard.

Beefcake82

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121535584#Comment_121535584

i have worked since i was 14 myself, however from earlier than this age is was shown how to save, initially with a credit union account and then a bank account. I wasn't required to hand over money for bills till i finished my leaving cert at 18 however even before then i volunteered money as things were tight at home.

The issue with how the OP is handing things with son with the value of money and work is muddled in how they maneuver from treating him like an almost adult and a child.

AndrewJRenko

The car/licence thing might be an opportunity to incentivise some decent behaviour. You can set some clear conditions around your expectations for him basically being a decent human being to the rest of the family, and tie in driving lessons and coaching for practice to these behaviour standards.

If that's the thing that he cares about, no harm in focusing on that.

I'd be very reluctant to put an 18 year old out of the house, particularly in the current housing situation. He may well end up living on the streets, doing irreparable harm to his life chances.

combat14

OP could go talk to professional counsellor themselves before kicking 17 year old out 1 second after they turn 18 becuase they didnt come back precisely on time on one occassion when out with their friends at xmas

mykrodot

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121539940#Comment_121539940

read the original post. This is not just about "one occasion"

lbunnae

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121540016#Comment_121540016

But she has described no abuse either. Taking 320 quid a month off the son and not letting him see his pal on one of the biggest night of the year is not normal or okay behaviour. I’d imagine that’s why he rang his pals, because none of them think it’s normal.