18 year old get out of the house.

RurtBeynolds

No doubt, he sounds like a grade A twat. In saying that, if you want him to act like an adult don't be summoning him home at Christmas eve at 9pm, and then have his dad go a get him when he's with his mates. That's obviously just going to fan the flames. If he doesn't want to be there, then so be it.

All that aside, no one deserves the level of abuse he gives out, and if he isn't willing to respect your household then he should leave. But I fear him actually going is another thing altogether.

suvigirl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121535021#Comment_121535021

Many of us had to do it. Life

lbunnae

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121535095#Comment_121535095

Yeah I did. But it’s a different time, if you want to ignore that go ahead. Very very very hard to get a room for an 18 yr old lad. Certainly would take months anyway.

SteM

He's 18 and his dad came down to the pub to bring him home up on Christmas eve because you wanted him there? Nothing good could have come from that course of action. You want him to act like an adult but you treated him like a child. He's probably confused af.

Have a discussion with him about how you feel his actions are effecting the rest of the family, but if you have him paying rent you'll have accept that if he wants to stay out with his mates on Christmas eve you should let him.

Ezeoul

No doubt, he sounds like a grade A twat. In saying that, if you want him to act like an adult don't be summoning him home at Christmas eve at 9pm, and then have his dad go a get him when he's with his mates. That's obviously just going to fan the flames. If he doesn't want to be there, then so be it.

^^^ 100% this.

Part of parenting a young adult is keeping your hands on the reins, but also knowing when to loosen them.

If you want someone to behave like an adult, you have to treat them like one. At your son's age, that starts by not constantly checking up on him, where he is and what he is doing. He works, makes his own money and has his own social life, he does not need constant parental supervision.

Not saying what he did last night was right, or his response proportional, but sending his father to drag him home wasn't exactly the wisest thing to do either. At 18, I know I would have kicked off too, if my parents had done that to me.

Surely the gift exchange could have been done this morning?

fifijk

Again many thanks for all yere opinions. Means a lot.

And happy Christmas.

I told him on holidays in Spain I believe he needs to speck to someone.

he agreed he suffers from anxiety. I said Ill support him through a counselling.

he also made a few days tough in Spain.

a few days after we got home I asked had he thought about me booking him in with a counsellor. He thought this was hillarious and said there’s no such thing as depression. Thets just a load of s**

so that tells me that that he is an arrogant young man that needs out on his own.

no we never spoilt him. But he was given ever opportunity of activities up through the years. And was never in need. But there was never a bank of mum and dad.

ever since he could communicate he was never a listener. Never.

a bright child in school but in his world he didn’t need it. Who needs an education he’d say. We just about got him to his LC.

THANKS again to you all. 🎄

Sonic the Shaghog

Sounds like he's a emotional problems bit more than ones his age. The constant in your face isn't on but then at the same time if telling you were a bad mother is abusive you'd have canary at some of the carry on I've seen from ones that age.

But Jesus at the same time expecting €80 a week rent and then you are dragging him home for Christmas regardless of a young daughter? Nah hes paying up, from that side of things its none of yeer business if he comes home or not.

I have a feeling this isn't all one sided to be honest

GreeBo

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121535097#Comment_121535097

Even trying and failing might give him a bit of a kick up the arse that he is not quite as independent as he may think he is.

GreeBo

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121535137#Comment_121535137

Might be hard to take, but if you are constantly "at him" then he is going to constantly push back.

Before actually asking him to leave I would to sit down with him and his dad and have a talk about ground rules, on both sides. He needs to understand what you expect from him, but also you need to take on board what he expects from you. It might just be that the relationship between parent and child is what needs to grow up here first, before any behaviours are going to change.

Larbre34

Show him the door on 2nd January.

Its the best thing you'll be doing for the family, and in the long run, for him.

whelan2

Is he actually 18 yet?

TheSunIsShining

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121535355#Comment_121535355

And as I asked earlier - what if he simply refuses to go?

suvigirl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121535373#Comment_121535373

? Seriously? This doesn't seem difficult to answer.........

BabysCoffee

Rather than "kicking him out" as such, I'd calmly have a conversation where you lay out his options as an 18 yr old young man - option 1: basically live under your roof and follow your rules, or option 2: move out.

There may be other options, but basically treat him like a toddler who won't eat veg where instead of forcing the veg on him, the toddler is given a choice (and control over his destiny) of two veg

BabysCoffee

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121535026#Comment_121535026

Yes I'm not too sure about this one - whats the issue with him being out with friends on Christmas Eve?? It's what most young people are doing!

spakman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121535355#Comment_121535355

that's easy to type on an internet forum where you aren't affected or have to deal with the consequences.

fifijk

He is 18 next week.

if he refuses to go, honestly I’ve no idea what to do.

he has full freedom but we do ask if he’s staying out that he texts to let us know where he is… just to know he is safe.

rarely a text. Rarely answers phone

I don’t feel it’s a lot to ask of your son a text to let us know where he is.

after coming home from the pub last night when we left the room he turned to his sister at said “look at ya, i can’t even look at you, ya weirdo “ and smirked. But not a whisper when we arrived back in the room

so no I don’t believe we are treating him as a kid…

he is a self centered arrogant young man. He is my son, and I’ll forever love him, but I dislike him at the minute.

no one deserves such abuse.

fifijk

we Have sat down on numerous occasions and told him what we expect from him while living under our roof.

communication.

respect and basic manners.

none of the above have been adhered too.

my daughter told me late last night she owed him €20 change. She said no, no honestly it’s ok..

he said, take it and get out of my room.

two nights later he asked it back as he was going out… she cried telling me.

lbunnae

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121535399#Comment_121535399

Yeah that was one of the biggest evenings of the year back in the day. At 18 I wouldn’t have came home at 8 for it especially if I was forking out 320 quid a month to my parents.

fifijk

The €80 a week I’m saving to give him back towards his insurance. But he is not aware of this.

it’s one evening out of a full year we ask him to be home. It’s not a lot to ask.

GreeBo

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121535414#Comment_121535414

Did you tell him or did you talk to him? You need to listen to what he has to say also.

For example, if it was me I would be saying things like "dont come and get me from the pub at 8 o'clock and embarrass me in front of all my friends"

He is 18, not 8, so this communication needs to be a 2-way street if you want it to be effective. You are calling him an adult but treating him like a child. The relationship needs to move on from the "mommy & daddy" dynamic as, while he seems a bit immature, his brain is going to rebel against you treating him like a pre-teen.

I don't see any reason why your daughter should be crying in this scenario? If this is the type of nonsense that he has to put up with and he sees you taking sides its frankly no wonder he is acting up.

lbunnae

“he has full freedom but we do ask if he’s staying out that he texts to let us know where he is… just to know he is safe”. Seems odd logic to be like this and then turf him out on his 18 birthday. Certainly won’t know where he is then.

whelan2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121535468#Comment_121535468

But they wont be waiting up for him either. He'll have to look after himself. I think 18 nowadays is too young to be turfed out but something has to change in his attitude to his family if he wants to continue living there. You dont need him to text to tell you he's safe. Keep an eye on WhatsApp or snapchat you can see where he is or if he's been online without asking where he is.

lbunnae

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121535485#Comment_121535485

out of sight out of mind I guess. Just think an 18 yr old lad shouldn’t be needing to report back to his parents all the time! Especially if he has a full time job and pays rent.

whelan2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121535496#Comment_121535496

He's still not 18 though

suvigirl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121535423#Comment_121535423

When I was 18 I respected my mother, and I did what she asked me to do. There are plenty of nights to go out, Xmas eve at home at a decent hour with your family is fair enough.

Sounds like he has no respect for his parents anyway, doesn't even text them if he's staying out, basic manners.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121535496#Comment_121535496

He's not 18 yet and handing up money at home is not the same as paying rent in a rental situation. I was handing up money at his age but it was still very much an "Our house, our rules" situation til I moved out. Living in the family home is a very different dynamic to living with peers and it doesn't matter how much money you're handing up.

Having said that, it does sound to me like the OP might be being a *little* precious about his behaviour here. Kicking him out at 18 in the midst of the worst housing crisis the state has ever seen does seem very much like the nuclear option here. I still think a firm, united parenting front, along with some professional help can solve this.

lbunnae

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121535522#Comment_121535522

I don’t agree tbh , paying 320 quid a month and not being able to go out on Christmas Eve to me is a pisstake. I can’t see him finding a houseshare , not when there is too many young professionally types desperate as it is.

suvigirl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121535485#Comment_121535485

Don't expect enough good manners for him to let them know he is ok, just spy on him online instead!

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121535524#Comment_121535524

My read of it is that the "Please be home by 9" thing on Christmas Eve was to participate in some kind of family tradition, not because they were being strict. Which is fair enough, imo.