18 year old get out of the house.

fifijk

My son is 18 next week.

we’re at our wits end with him. He’s abusive, and recently abusing drink and refusing to answer text and calls to tell us where he is.

we asked him to be home today Christmas Eve, by 8/9 pm. We have to think of his sister here and exchanging gifts. He refused. So my husband had to track him down in a pub to bring him home.

he got abusive at home after and put his friends on loud specked and told us to tell his friends on what grounds we wanted him home.

I’m at the stage now where I’m nervous of him kicking off. And he’s having a terrible impact on my daughter.

he sweet talks my husband. But my husband is going his best.

we’ve decided to tell him we want him out.

he is earning a good wage. He can afford to move.

we cant take him any more.

any opinions. Would i be a terrible mother… but I need to protect my daughter too from his aggressive behavior.

he can stay in a single bed hostel till he gets sorted

he is handing up €80 a C week to the house we thought this might cop him on but no I’m afraid

pale rider

It’s the only way he will grow up, mature and in time you will get him back, lads mature soooo slowly, girlfriends help but bet he doesn’t have one.

Padre_Pio

I would approach it and say that his behaviour is affecting the family and it's in everyone's best interests that he moves out unless he's open to change.

That said he's welcome to come around so long as things are civil, and you'll always have a bed if he really needs it.

You don't want it to sound like you're kicking him out and cutting off contact, and you probably want to keep an eye on him too just to make sure he doesn't go completely off the rails.

I think that 18 is probably a good age for anyone to head out if they can afford it.

Don't walk on eggshells around him.

Tell him his actions have consequences and request he leaves by a certain date.

Remind him that if he believes he's acting like a "Man" then he should have no issues doing adult things like seeing what reality is really like by moving out.

Don't bow down to excuses. He knows what he's doing and requires a reality check.

Tell him he should find somewhere to live by the end of January to let it sink in.

RockOrBog

It's better he does this now than in his 20s or 30s

niallpatrick

2 kids boy and girl, the girl is the younger of the two? I'm second oldest of 5. 3 younger kid sisters and a useless older brother. I didn't have it easy as a young adult, mum kicked me out when I was 19 then asked me back. I went back then left for good when I was 19 and I worship my mum and dad. Dads passed but my mum she's my mummy and always will be and I worshipped my dad.

I left but visited them 3 times a week. I had every right to throw a late teenage strop 'our house our rules' and all of that ****. Come home from a crappy day as an apprentice to find my stuff moved about or find my cousin and her kid sleeping in my room and I'd to sleep on the sofa down stairs. I couldn't do right for wrong and it hurt. Once out of my parents house and settled myself into my own regime it was fine, honestly OP you won't be a horrible mum or bad parents. Kids gotta fly the coup and learn themselves. I'd an advantage as an apprentice steel fabricator and was house proud already but I still had to learn as well.

Rubberchikken

Maybe I'm being soft or stupid but the thought of throwing a child albeit an 18yo out of home makes me feel sad.

Is there any way of talking to him calmly and listening to him?

Has this behaviour being going on a while or is he being influenced by new friends?

I agree totally that no-one should be fearful of another person in their home and his way of speaking to you and the atmosphere it must be causing has to be very upsetting.

But once gone, the opportunity to find out if there's something behind this might be lost.

claregal1

How abusive did he get?

Verbal or physical? Verbal that's normal with most young lads.

Not making excuses maybe you embarrassed him by making him come home at a certain time ?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121534712#Comment_121534712

Maybe in your house.

Teenagers struggling for independence is normal, that is not what the op is describing.

fifijk

This is going on a very long time. We buried my parent in law 3 months ag and he abused my daughter around the her relatives, saying she was more or less ugly. Two cousins stepped in to break the awkward tension. The same day I was publicly abused. The first time I walk away and the second I asked he stop as people were watching him and it’s not fair.

we came home and he went at it again. Worst mother that I wotk t buy him a car etc etc. so I had taken enough and I gave it back to him. He then went into my face and started saying come on hit me, hit me……

that was the night of the burial. It was terrible on us all.

he is very frustrated that we didn’t get him a car. That we’re the only parents that didn’t.

we’re very supportive and loving parents, but he need to work for his car as do we. If we did I feel it would have caused great damage to him going forward.

many many thanks to you all for your time and opinions

the time has come he needs to go.

fifijk

Claregal this is gone passed teenage cheek. Wish is was only that.

suvigirl

It seems you have done a lot for him growing up, he appears a little spoilt, no offence.

Time for him to stand on his own two feet, one months notice, just like real life.

GreeBo

Whatever you decide to do, you are not a bad mother (or father) for asking him to leave if he is abusive and disrupting the family, so don't worry about that at all. The worst thing you could do (I have seen it first hand) is still treat him like he is your loving little boy, despite how he acts towards you.

He needs to learn that "being a man" is not acting like a 6 year old having tantrums. Franky, he just needs to grow up, maybe a couple of weeks in a bedsit looking after his own clothes and food will sort him out.

iniscealtra

He seems to think he can bully you into getting what he wants. A strong boundary needs to be put up by you and your husband.

Akrasia

If he doesn't respect the family home and is earning his own income then it's time he moves out. It's no good for any young man to be cooped up at home. He needs to find himself and he'll likely make some mistakes but most people learn from them and mature and settle down

Supporting him at home while he's acting out is not gonna help him, it'll just delay his development

TheSunIsShining

I have no idea what the answer to this is - but what if he refuses to move out?

Be right back

Perhaps pay for a week or two in some hostel? Is it too much to change the locks when he's gone?

GreeBo

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121534878#Comment_121534878

I wouldnt do this, you want to stay on the side of "we are asking you to move out" and not "we are kicking you out and pretending you dont exist anymore"

The latter is likely to get his teenage man hormones all riled up and he will probably kick off uncontrollably, it will be too much for his immature ego to take and give him an obvious thing to rebel against.

Much better to go down the "clearly you are not happy living here and you are making everyone else uncomfortable, so we think it would be better for you if you were to move out until you are ready to be part of this family again" type of approach.

notAMember

He’s frustrated because you didn’t buy him a CAR? Lordie… he is mixing with a set of brats eh!

I mean, Christmas Day isn’t the day for this conversation, but if that’s his expectation, then a wake up call is definitely needed. He is a fully grown adult now. If I were you I’d actually think if there was a way to get him away from that bunch of wasters. Send him off abroad for a bit? Any relations in the US?

jackboy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121534906#Comment_121534906

Parents buying their children cars now is widespread so it is plausible that all his friends were bought cars by their parents.

That could be leading to unrealistic expectations. If the OP is wealthy then he may see no car as a personal attack.

Ezeoul

I understand your issue, but I would ask, have you really thought about where he is supposed to go?

Someone has to say it, but we're in the middle of the worst accommodation crisis this country has ever seen.

Every available bed in hotels and hostels is snapped up, and I can't see any landlord renting to an 18 year old.

You could be literally putting him onto the street. And that never ends well.

Have you given him a strong warning that you are thinking of telling him he has to leave?

suvigirl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121534929#Comment_121534929

He should go house share like the rest of us did at his age. He will have to learn to stand on his own two feet and maybe learn respect for others living with him

notAMember

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121534914#Comment_121534914

Yes, I know it’s plausible , but still utterly misguided.

18-30 is when you learn to be an adult, stand on your own two feet, plan, save, manage money, relationships etc. Skills you need in your later 30’s, 40’s, 50’s etc. buying cars and houses for adult children is infantilising them, they miss the opportunity to learn those real life management tools . Just because other parents are undermining their children’s life skills doesn’t mean they have to follow suit.

crustyjuggler

Welcome to the world of homelessness.

whelan2

Very few of my kids friends parents bought them cars. It's a myth. Daughter paid for her car I paid the insurance. She worked to pay for it. It's a bit like them saying in primary school that everyone has a phone. I'd be saying my house , my rules. I'd have zero tolerance for his bullying. He has to learn there are consequences.

spakman

I wouldn't kick him out - yet.

He sounds like an angry, arrogant, yet immature young man.

I would try to sit him down when everyone is calm (not wait for the next confrontation), and tell him that his behaviour is affecting everyone in the house and if it doesn't change very soon, then you're going to have to suggest he looks for somewhere else to live.

Don't tell him there's no place for him in his family home - that's likely to cause him a lot of hurt and create anger.

jackboy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121534955#Comment_121534955

True but some of his anger at least may be coming from seeing the freebies his friends are getting. They could be slagging him too about this.

Unfortunately teenage boys take much more notice of what their friends say than their parents. It takes a long time to realise that most of these are not real friendships.

I get the picture that both parents are not aligned with the discipline also and that the father is a bit of a pushover, that is not good.

Ezeoul

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121534938#Comment_121534938

If he is able to find one, again, we are in the middle of a housing crisis.

My brother lets rooms in his house, he had literally hundreds of enquiries for a single room from working professionals in their 20s and 30s with well paid jobs and references. No one is going to take in an 18 year old kid, when they have other options.

Throwing him out will only remove the immediate problem. It won't solve the problem.

There is a reason behind this young man's anger and his behaviour and maybe it is selfishness and immaturity, but the root of it needs to be found and resolved before such drastic measures as putting him out.

Maybe the resolution for the New Year should be engaging with a family therapist.

That's my 2c worth.

Slightly Kwackers

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058328286/18-year-old-get-out-of-the-house

Working with cash and demands to be home by 9pm Xmas eve?

He doesn't want a bed sit, he wants an institution someplace.

I feel sorry for the poor lad, no wonder he's rebellious.

What's wrong with people these days? We didn't have mobile phones when I was that age, but the only time I would ever take one out with me at night was if I thought I might want a taxi.

I see quite enough presumably sober people on phones oblivious to traffic, what are they like after a few drinks?

Personally I think good parents should keep phones away from kids before they reached eighteen.

lbunnae

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121534938#Comment_121534938

Hahah good luck an 18 yr old boy getting a house share.

lbunnae

Not sure asking an 18 yr old to be home at 8 on Christmas Eve when he pays 320 quid a month in rent is actually that fair of a thing!

RurtBeynolds

No doubt, he sounds like a grade A twat. In saying that, if you want him to act like an adult don't be summoning him home at Christmas eve at 9pm, and then have his dad go a get him when he's with his mates. That's obviously just going to fan the flames. If he doesn't want to be there, then so be it.

All that aside, no one deserves the level of abuse he gives out, and if he isn't willing to respect your household then he should leave. But I fear him actually going is another thing altogether.

suvigirl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121535021#Comment_121535021

Many of us had to do it. Life

lbunnae

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121535095#Comment_121535095

Yeah I did. But it’s a different time, if you want to ignore that go ahead. Very very very hard to get a room for an 18 yr old lad. Certainly would take months anyway.

SteM

He's 18 and his dad came down to the pub to bring him home up on Christmas eve because you wanted him there? Nothing good could have come from that course of action. You want him to act like an adult but you treated him like a child. He's probably confused af.

Have a discussion with him about how you feel his actions are effecting the rest of the family, but if you have him paying rent you'll have accept that if he wants to stay out with his mates on Christmas eve you should let him.

Ezeoul

No doubt, he sounds like a grade A twat. In saying that, if you want him to act like an adult don't be summoning him home at Christmas eve at 9pm, and then have his dad go a get him when he's with his mates. That's obviously just going to fan the flames. If he doesn't want to be there, then so be it.

^^^ 100% this.

Part of parenting a young adult is keeping your hands on the reins, but also knowing when to loosen them.

If you want someone to behave like an adult, you have to treat them like one. At your son's age, that starts by not constantly checking up on him, where he is and what he is doing. He works, makes his own money and has his own social life, he does not need constant parental supervision.

Not saying what he did last night was right, or his response proportional, but sending his father to drag him home wasn't exactly the wisest thing to do either. At 18, I know I would have kicked off too, if my parents had done that to me.

Surely the gift exchange could have been done this morning?

fifijk

Again many thanks for all yere opinions. Means a lot.

And happy Christmas.

I told him on holidays in Spain I believe he needs to speck to someone.

he agreed he suffers from anxiety. I said Ill support him through a counselling.

he also made a few days tough in Spain.

a few days after we got home I asked had he thought about me booking him in with a counsellor. He thought this was hillarious and said there’s no such thing as depression. Thets just a load of s**

so that tells me that that he is an arrogant young man that needs out on his own.

no we never spoilt him. But he was given ever opportunity of activities up through the years. And was never in need. But there was never a bank of mum and dad.

ever since he could communicate he was never a listener. Never.

a bright child in school but in his world he didn’t need it. Who needs an education he’d say. We just about got him to his LC.

THANKS again to you all. 🎄

Sonic the Shaghog

Sounds like he's a emotional problems bit more than ones his age. The constant in your face isn't on but then at the same time if telling you were a bad mother is abusive you'd have canary at some of the carry on I've seen from ones that age.

But Jesus at the same time expecting €80 a week rent and then you are dragging him home for Christmas regardless of a young daughter? Nah hes paying up, from that side of things its none of yeer business if he comes home or not.

I have a feeling this isn't all one sided to be honest

GreeBo

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121535097#Comment_121535097

Even trying and failing might give him a bit of a kick up the arse that he is not quite as independent as he may think he is.

GreeBo

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121535137#Comment_121535137

Might be hard to take, but if you are constantly "at him" then he is going to constantly push back.

Before actually asking him to leave I would to sit down with him and his dad and have a talk about ground rules, on both sides. He needs to understand what you expect from him, but also you need to take on board what he expects from you. It might just be that the relationship between parent and child is what needs to grow up here first, before any behaviours are going to change.

Larbre34

Show him the door on 2nd January.

Its the best thing you'll be doing for the family, and in the long run, for him.

whelan2

Is he actually 18 yet?

TheSunIsShining

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121535355#Comment_121535355

And as I asked earlier - what if he simply refuses to go?

suvigirl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121535373#Comment_121535373

? Seriously? This doesn't seem difficult to answer.........

BabysCoffee

Rather than "kicking him out" as such, I'd calmly have a conversation where you lay out his options as an 18 yr old young man - option 1: basically live under your roof and follow your rules, or option 2: move out.

There may be other options, but basically treat him like a toddler who won't eat veg where instead of forcing the veg on him, the toddler is given a choice (and control over his destiny) of two veg

BabysCoffee

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121535026#Comment_121535026

Yes I'm not too sure about this one - whats the issue with him being out with friends on Christmas Eve?? It's what most young people are doing!

spakman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121535355#Comment_121535355

that's easy to type on an internet forum where you aren't affected or have to deal with the consequences.

fifijk

He is 18 next week.

if he refuses to go, honestly I’ve no idea what to do.

he has full freedom but we do ask if he’s staying out that he texts to let us know where he is… just to know he is safe.

rarely a text. Rarely answers phone

I don’t feel it’s a lot to ask of your son a text to let us know where he is.

after coming home from the pub last night when we left the room he turned to his sister at said “look at ya, i can’t even look at you, ya weirdo “ and smirked. But not a whisper when we arrived back in the room

so no I don’t believe we are treating him as a kid…

he is a self centered arrogant young man. He is my son, and I’ll forever love him, but I dislike him at the minute.

no one deserves such abuse.

fifijk

we Have sat down on numerous occasions and told him what we expect from him while living under our roof.

communication.

respect and basic manners.

none of the above have been adhered too.

my daughter told me late last night she owed him €20 change. She said no, no honestly it’s ok..

he said, take it and get out of my room.

two nights later he asked it back as he was going out… she cried telling me.

lbunnae

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121535399#Comment_121535399

Yeah that was one of the biggest evenings of the year back in the day. At 18 I wouldn’t have came home at 8 for it especially if I was forking out 320 quid a month to my parents.

fifijk

The €80 a week I’m saving to give him back towards his insurance. But he is not aware of this.

it’s one evening out of a full year we ask him to be home. It’s not a lot to ask.