My loneliness is killing me

zell12

as Britney Spears sang..

the US surgeon general saying that loneliness mortality effects are equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes a day, and even greater than those associated with obesity and physical inactivity. “These issues don’t affect one country … [Loneliness] is an underappreciated public health threat.”

https://www.theguardian.com/global-development/2023/nov/16/who-declares-loneliness-a-global-public-health-concern

But Ireland is famed for its warmth, community-spirit, friendliness, thousand welcomes.. yet people die and are discovered 20 years later in their Mallow house.

Is another's loneliness obvious to others? Do we care?

JeffreyEpspeen

Irish people's friendliness is a myth. The people who have shown me the most warmth are generally not from this country.

skallywag

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121375088#Comment_121375088

Have you considered changing your username?

Sunny Disposition

I think community has declined an awful lot over the years.

There were big changes during the boom and again in recent years with the population growing an awful lot and people changing address a lot more. An awful lot of people nowadays wouldn't know their neighbours at all. It wasn't really like that 30 years ago, most communities were a lot more close-knit.

Also the internet has changed things . People are less likely to go to their local for a few quiet ones now that they can watch Netflix rather than just a handful of channels.

Remote work is another issue, there are a few sides to it, people do have more time to do stuff in their local areas, but if they're not careful the loss of work colleagues can leave them more isolated.

Loneliness is probably something the State should try to help people with, as it would have had campaigns to reduce binge drinking and smoking in years gone by. Isolation is a new and serious problem.

artanevilla

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121375088#Comment_121375088

Irish people are nosey not friendly.

corner of hells

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121375088#Comment_121375088

Maybe you’re the problem.

Skyrimaddict

For all the hype with social media and all this stuff, more people stick to the phone to nearly shield them from having to talk to strangers.

I am not ( that ) old, late 30`s yet if I go to a pub on my own anytime, you are nearly looked at funny for not being on your phone.

As we move towards more social crap, we become less human-friendly. People only interact with work social groups, sports etc. I do have friends, but as we are all busy its harder to see them as often as id like.

Plus, and I earn decent money, its so expensive to do anything anymore !

taxAHcruel

^ Always felt that "Social Media" is the wrong term for much of it. It's hardly "social" at all but the term makes us expect that it is. At best it is a Discussion MMORPG. A computer game where you score points by acting in ways that are often absolutely anti social. Such as taking extreme views or being as insulting or demeaning to people as possible. Or - all too often - by taking the worst possible interpretation of someone's words or actions and instigating a pile on of hate.

So anyone wondering why we are becoming more lonely despite the rise of "Social" media will probably find answers to that by realizing its a misleading misnomer.

But even without Discussion MMORPG platforms I think we have become steadily less social over time for a long time. A lot of working culture involves getting into your wheeled metal box to drive to work where you sit in a cubicle before getting back into the metal box. And we have less hours in the day over time and less money to spend during those free hours.

What to actually do about any of this to solve the loneliness epidemic is above my paygrade. I do things to make sure I am socially active and my family are too. And that we and other people around us look out for, and look after, some lonely people in our general community.

And that's about the best I can do.

Padre_Pio

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058322812/my-loneliness-is-killing-me

"people die here"

Well, person died in this case. I don't think this should be seen as typical.

Princess Calla

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121375313#Comment_121375313

I don't think using something to shield you from having to talk to strangers is a new thing.

I remember when I first started commuting to work on the dart (always walked to school etc) everyone would have their nose in a book. Plus there'd be the odd gobshite trying to read the Times massive paper without folding it 🙄🙄🙄

Then the free metro newspapers were given out and everyone would be reading them.

There's also the famous picture from the 50's of everyone on the bus/tram reading their papers.

Generally I don't think people like talking to strangers and making random small talk...I don't think this is a new thing.

Having said that it is your responsibility to get up and go out and be active (if that's what you want to do) . With the internet there's plenty of ways to find out what's going on in your local community. It's up to you to find something that interests you, if you are feeling lonely. You have to put the effort into these things.

Skyrimaddict

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121375821#Comment_121375821

I do agree on that, getting to take part is a major thing.

Ubbquittious

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121375088#Comment_121375088

Even a lot of the yanks are friendlier. We're the friendliest people you'll never become friends with

People think Irish are friendly because when they arrive over some auld hag named Carmel puts on a good show as a welcoming host letting them into their 1,000 euro a week AirBnB and is full of chat and full of beans.

While inside her head she is secretly going "Yay! I can trade in my Hyundai Tucson for another brand new one next year!"

clampedusa

Lonliness can sometimes be a result of a lack of socializing, which itself can be a result of an aversion to socializing.

Socializing involves certain sacrifices, and enduring certain pesky situations. So theres an effort/work aspect to socializing, a sometimes uncomfortable input which hopefully results in a comfortable return.

Today we have more options, so it easier to just take your ball and go home. Rather than endure the bs of the pecking order. Also theres a lot more narcissism in the media than before, so people are encouraged to develop entitlement, which in turn leads to the same old take my ball and leave so situation.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121375821#Comment_121375821

I recall people reading newspapers and books on public transport back in the day. What I don't quite remember is if community and togetherness was more of a thing. It's not really about sitting on a train and scrolling through your phone, it's that today it's totally the norm and to start a conversation is seen as odd.

I enjoy small talk very much and love connecting with people. Only yesterday I was chatting with a woman as we were both trying on coats. It was nice.

Of course it is the individual's responsibility but really it isn't that simple. So many people find being socially active excruciating so they can be caught in a horrible bind of desperately wanting friendship but scared and anxious to involve themselves. And let me tell you, it is extremely difficult to break out of that place when you are an adult and make friends. Do you know what it's like to walk in the world and feel as if there is a wall between you and everyone else?

Then you have the many who have full lives. Kids and a partner and a job yet they feel so so lonely. They have no problem getting out there and involving themselves but it doesn't offer a balm for how they feel inside. Do you know what it's like to have all of the things that one assumes will help but you still feel lost and alone?

Tombo2001

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121375313#Comment_121375313

You make an interesting point.

The underlying issue is:

People want to meet other people.

The place where people (or more specifically, young adults) meet other people is in pubs.

Not everyone has a circle of friends to meet at the pub.

So you go to the pub on your own.

But you dont want to feel like a tool sitting there on your own.

So you look at your phone. Pre the Phone days, people would have sat in the pub reading a newspaper or book. Same thing.

ancapailldorcha

Yeah, I found my hometown in the countryside to be very alienating and cliquey. I think the Irish are warm in terms of welcoming visitors and tourists but it's never more than shallow much of the time. In my experience, country people were a lot more nosy and people in Dublin were usually either quite warm, apathetic like in any other city (most commonly this), or just horrible.

Princess Calla

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121379573#Comment_121379573

I've lost the majority of my hearing,I can no longer work and I'm not anyway close to retirement age, so yeah I'm well aware of what it feels like to walk as if there's a wall between me and everyone else.

However I still feel my happiness is my responsibility.

Getting stuck in a rut is the easiest thing to do and getting back out of it is one of the hardest things to do.

However you have to figure out what works for you. That may be going to the library and reading a new book every day/week.

Going to daily mass (it suits some people)

Doing parkruns /marathons or whatever.

I think there are very few people in the world that are 100% happy and content. The trick is not to be 100% miserable.

Wanderer2010

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121375088#Comment_121375088

100%. The Irish cead mile failte is a manufactured cult with just one purpose in mind, to make as much money off tourists as possible and leave them with a positive impression of the Irish which isnt real.

I have found it to be a fact that Irish people make friends with people they sat next to at school, particularly so for men, and these friendships endure throughout their whole lives, even if their interests and mindsets change over time. Its seen as too much hassle to find new friends so in general, the same drinking buddies they spent time with at 17 or 18 are still with them at 45. Irish people dont want to or have the room for new friendships, making them a closed book.

There are exceptions to this but in general the Irish only have a couple of friends which have been with them for decades. Look at any typical Irish wedding..who is surrounding the groom? Lads they play hurling or sport with and that one lad who they have known since primary school. Women tend to cultivate friendships better so they can have a wider circle of friends in addition to family.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121379647#Comment_121379647

That makes two of us so regarding the wall. Well for me it was more like a window. Everyone and me. People coming and going hustling and bustling. I felt so disconnected from it all, so alone.

Yes we are responsible for ourselves but that doesn't mean it's as easy as putting ourselves out there not does it take in to account the loneliness that is present regardless of company.

taxAHcruel

Yeah I think when we speak of loneliness we often thing of someone alone in a bed sit with no friends or no partner - scrolling dating apps and not finding anyone to connect with. We do not as readily picture someone who has friends, a relationship, and children. But loneliness can happen there too.

We can have a meaningful relationship or friendships but if we are not also being true to ourselves - or we have to not really be ourselves in order to have those relationships - then you can be lonely. Or the opposite. If you can be your true self but it means over time your relationship or friendships become less meaningful - then while it might look like you are surrounded in friends and a partner you are actually feeling entirely alone.

Both can be done of course but it's work. My relationship with my partners and my children and my circle of friends are meaningful ones. As is my relationship with myself. Balancing that and maintaining it is not easy. It's a daily balancing act of spinning plates that I can never really take my eye off for a moment. So I have avoided loneliness and am quite content. At the small cost that I am never really "off". Which is a price I am happy enough to pay.

Skyrimaddict

Robin Williams once said " The worst thing then being alone, is being with someone who makes you feel alone"

mariaalice

In a suburban Dublin pub I heard the owner tell 3 men sitting at the bar put the phones away the bar is for chat or do you want a newspaper, it worked.

From my favourite.

I don't think loneliness is well understood. It can go beyond companionship and it's tentacles are long and complicated.

Elmer Blooker

times have changed, back in the day there was only a low hedge or wall between back gardens and neighbours would actually talk to each other but now those 2 meter paranoia fences are the norm.

Hamachi

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121378000#Comment_121378000

Charming. I’d still rather go for a pint with ‘Carmel’ than your good self..

Man Vs ManUre

I much prefer the company of cats and dogs over other people!!

Hamachi

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121379664#Comment_121379664

Isn’t that a positive though? Irish men build loyal, enduring friendships from an early age. I don’t see any negatives related to that. I say this as an Irish man who doesn’t have any friends from school, never played GAA, and had to try build a new social circle after a decade abroad.

BTW, it really isn’t that different on the continent, at least in the country that I called home for quite a while.

pgj2015

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121379664#Comment_121379664

At least a mans friends are actually his real friends. 😉

Donald Trump

Hit me baby, one more time.

Greyfox

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121379664#Comment_121379664

Nonsense, Irish people are among the most friendly in the world, your just mixing up been friendly with making new friends when they are actually two different things. Most people find that as they get older they have less free time and much more distractions so it takes a lot more effort to make time for friends nevermind making new ones.

Donald Trump

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121375088#Comment_121375088

I agree. It's great when foreigners can't immediately tell I'm a b0llix. It usually takes them a few days.

The Irish seem to be friendly to all the other people though. Irish and non-Irish.