Friend is dating a brother of person who bullied me at school

Uncharted2

A friend is dating a brother of a person who bullied me at school. I've been friends with this person for a long time, but they don't know anything about my school life growing up. They are from a different area.

I know this was a long time ago, but the memories of that time at school just don't go away. Of course I've gotten on with my adult life now but this feels weird to me, am I overreacting or should I mention to my friend?

newmember2

The brother, and the other brother who your friend is going out with, are two different people.

NiceFella

Yeah that's a strange one. If they're a good friend you should be able to tell them anything.

You also have to realise that, this person they are dating isn't the bully and that sometimes people can and do change over time. That said, I've met people who where not nice to me when I was younger and some where okay and others made me feel really uncomfortable. It really depends, if this person makes you upset when you see them then I do understand how tricky that could be.

However, if you feel like you can compartmentalize the relationship to you just being friends with your actual mate and not be too charged when in the potential company of their partner then you could be fine with it.

Uncharted2

I know my friend wouldn't listen if I told them and would get defensive. I have meet this person (who bullied me) in recently years out and about and they wouldn't speak to me I doubt they've changed much tbh. There are two people who still upset me to this day from my school years and this person unfortunately is one of them.

I am starting to think it's best to distance myself from my friend, as I already feel I cannot tell them anything anymore, and it's impossible to get them to meet for a coffee and catch up as they spend all their time with them.

Akrasia

Seriously.

1. your friend can date whoever they want

2. The brother they're dating is not the person who bullied you

What do you want to achieve here?

cnocbui

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120707411#Comment_120707411

True, but equally the OP is entitled to their feelings and viewpoint. I think they, are fine with the friend dating the brother, but rightly concerned at the prospect of being dragged into contact with someone they despise due to their friend being oblivious to the history.

Big Bag of Chips

How likely is it that you're going to end up socialising in the company of the person who bullied you. I have a best friend of over 30 years. I'm married over 20 years. My best friend has pretty much zero interaction with my in-laws. Why would she? The last time they would have been in the same area was most likely our wedding.

It doesn't sound like you're actually all that close to this particular friend anyway. You think she wouldn't listen to you and would get defensive. She's not going out with the person who bullied you. So honestly? She'd probably have a right to get defensive. Also the fact that you're considering distancing yourself makes me think you're not that close.

I know it's horrible for you. That feeling can be as real as when you were in school, and can bring you right back there. But this fella didn't bully you. There is no reason for your friend to stop seeing him. If it turns out he's not particularly nice either, she'll figure it out for herself and it'll end anyway.

Uncharted2

I am close with this person but I feel I have no alternative. A few of us went out for a meal and drinks to meet her boyfriend and that evening while I was speaking to him, he spent most of the night telling me how friendly he was with people who bullied me, he even knew they were known as a 'bullying gang' at school and thought this was hilarious, I went to the toilet that night and felt like crying, I did not want to be reminded of my horrible past.

This among other examples are leaving me no option, I do care for my friend but I don't see any other way.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120707570#Comment_120707570

Him being friends with the bullies is slightly more detail than him just being the brother of.

If your friend is a good friend she will be sympathetic, but you shouldn’t expect her to stop dating this guy because of it, he wasn’t the bully himself if I am right. You can just say it to your friend about what happened in the past and that you might feel awkward in certain situations. If she gets defensive just because you mention that then she’s not a friend - a normal person would generally sympathise of a friend opens up to them about bullying.

dontmindme

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120707570#Comment_120707570

Tell your friend (if she doesn't know) about your school past, immediately followed by the interaction with the boyfriend the night of the meal, and how you felt. Just let her know that you won't be socialising with any of these people going forward and it was easy for this guy to laugh at it all when he wasn't the one being bullied. Your friend will have conflicting emotions and be in a slightly difficult situation but you need to take care of yourself and your friend needs to decide for herself what's right for her. Her boyfriend thinking it all hilarious makes him sound like a dickhead.

maninasia

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120707570#Comment_120707570

This guy is a bad egg.

Risteard81

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058300583/friend-is-dating-a-brother-of-person-who-bullied-me-at-school

Get over it. Also the brother isn't the one who allegedly bullied you.

maninasia

Maybe she can't and doesn't want to 'get over it'.

The new bf sounds like an arsehole himself, probably runs in the family.

What's with the allegedly??? Nobody is using real names here, you need to get over yourself.

TheadoreT

Your friend should listen to your concerns but ultimately I can't see her changing her mind.

From other comments on boards you seem ultra anti immigration and freely using the "bully" word for people who question your controversial stances. Are you sure these bullies in school weren't just similarly checking racist behaviours ect?

iniscealtra

You should tell your friend for your own piece of mind but ultimately she’ll say he had nothing to do with it and nothing will change. Your friend will just be aware of why you feel a little uncomfortable. In fairness he does have nothing to do with it. Try to face your fears. In this case the fear is only that. As an adult this is an important step.

z80CPU

My situation might be worse than yours OP.

My first cousin is still best mates with one of my classmates, final year was 1990.

The classmate was done a few years ago for drunk driving and put off the road for 2 years and fined. Same classmate got one of his crew to threaten me online - I was bumped by the classmate to 'say the wrong thing' to them.

My advice is see if you give it a chance.

Deeec

OP you cant expect your friend to dump this guy just because his brother bullied you in school. As a couple they could be really happy together.

You should mention the bullying to her, how he made you feel etc and say you wont be socialising with them if certain people are there. Thats all you can do - avoid the guy, his brother and his friends. You dont have to ruin your friendship with your friend over this though. This relationship could finish fairly quick and you will still have your friend in your life.

Baybay

I don’t know what you said elsewhere on Boards but if you’re uncomfortable in his presence, that’s understandable. He hasn’t helped things but also may not know how affected you were by his brother & friends.

i wouldn’t say anything to your friend, what’s to be gained? Either she’ll be sympathetic & continue seeing him or perhaps she’ll wonder how you’re still bothered & continue seeing him. Either way she’ll probably continue seeing him, for now anyway but you’ll be in the situation where it’ll be known that you’re still bothered & I wouldn’t give the bully brother that power, even now.

Chances of you meeting up that regularly with your friend will probably take a hit as their new romance gets underway. Meet her when suits you & don’t when it doesn’t. You’ll soon see how often you’ll be with the brother & if it makes your friendship viable going forward.

Big Bag of Chips

ALL POSTERS are reminded that they are posting in the Personal Issues/Relationship Issues Forum and to abide by the Forum Charter that applies here. This is an advice forum.

Off Topic posts deleted.

Tork

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120707407#Comment_120707407

It would be a real shame for you to lose a friend over this. I think you're already going down that road and for what? A new relationship that could be over in a few months' time. I think you should be honest and tell him/her that you were bullied by the sibling and that you don't want to spend time in their company. That's a perfectly reasonable request. Don't ask or expect your friend to end the relationship because that's not going to happen. (Has anybody, anywhere, ever ended a relationship because their family and friends disliked their new squeeze?). If you don't tell your friend, you're bound to find yourself in uncomfortable situations again and what good will that do anybody? You'll feel like crap and your friend will wonder what has gotten into you.

Buddy Bubs

I'm marrying a girl that was my sisters friend but they had a massive falling out about 5 years before I ever got together with her.

I still haven't got my head around this falling out they had, I just don't get it despite hearing both sides of the story. They were great friends, possibly got a bit fed up of each other and instead of drifting they had blazing row.

They didn't speak for years before we got together and still don't really get on well. But if my sister ever asked me to stop seeing her, even at the very start I would have point blank said no way. Your friend will do the same.

SupaCat95

Op, you are in a right dilemma. If you do mention it you could potentially have a massive falling out with the friend and if you don't and the relationship breaks up, why didn't you warn her?

On the other hand it is also part of life learning about mistakes. "What is the most important thing we learn about falling down? We learn to pick ourselves up!"

There is also the think that certain girls are attracted to bad boys and they learn after they get burned. Some don't learn and repeat the same mistakes consistently. If she is young enough to learn let it happen and if she is old enough to know better she will never learn. This is the way real life is.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120737477#Comment_120737477

Warn her about what, exactly???

cj maxx

I think you should tell your friend you don’t want to hang out with the brother . Tell her why , but this lad she’s seeing is a a different fella to his brother

SupaCat95

@Dial Hard This guy is coming from bad stock. While he hasn't done anything yet, she has had previous dealings with the family.

irelandrover

Just explain the situation to your friend.

That you want to stay friends but do not want to hang around with her new boyfriend as it reminds you of a very difficult time in your life.

Uncharted2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120747611#Comment_120747611

I met up with my friend recently and she was talking about the (person who bullied me) and by the looks of it the brother has my friends head filled with how lovely and great (the person who bullied me) is. I honestly feel I can't tell my friend the truth about this person now, I've made a decision to say nothing and I feel I've been left with no alternative but to distance myself from my friend sadly.

Deeec

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120781603#Comment_120781603

Being honest to distance yourself from your friend over this is a total overreaction. You dont have to fall out with your friend over this. You dont have to have any sort of relationship with your friends boyfriend or his brother. Dont lose a good friend over this - their relationship could fizzle out. Have you told your friend about the bullying yet?

I have never had anything to do with any of my friends partners siblings and I dont see why you need to be involved with them in any way either. I think you are completely over thinking this.

Uncharted2

Another reason I can't tell my friend about the bullying is, I know this person hasn't changed much from school and is not a person to fall out with. If I was to tell my friend I'd be worried the brother would find out what I said and it would get back to her and all hell would break lose. My friend has no idea who they are involved with sadly.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120781679#Comment_120781679

Wouldn’t you want to warn your friend of you feel the situation is dangerous? Or you’re not that close really, if you are worried they would tell.

Uncharted2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120781719#Comment_120781719

I don't think my friend would listen to be honest, I do know that they won't thank me down the line if things go pear shaped but if they had of came to me in the beginning I would have been able to give heads up and warned them to be careful.