Friend is dating a brother of person who bullied me at school

Uncharted2

A friend is dating a brother of a person who bullied me at school. I've been friends with this person for a long time, but they don't know anything about my school life growing up. They are from a different area.

I know this was a long time ago, but the memories of that time at school just don't go away. Of course I've gotten on with my adult life now but this feels weird to me, am I overreacting or should I mention to my friend?

newmember2

The brother, and the other brother who your friend is going out with, are two different people.

NiceFella

Yeah that's a strange one. If they're a good friend you should be able to tell them anything.

You also have to realise that, this person they are dating isn't the bully and that sometimes people can and do change over time. That said, I've met people who where not nice to me when I was younger and some where okay and others made me feel really uncomfortable. It really depends, if this person makes you upset when you see them then I do understand how tricky that could be.

However, if you feel like you can compartmentalize the relationship to you just being friends with your actual mate and not be too charged when in the potential company of their partner then you could be fine with it.

Uncharted2

I know my friend wouldn't listen if I told them and would get defensive. I have meet this person (who bullied me) in recently years out and about and they wouldn't speak to me I doubt they've changed much tbh. There are two people who still upset me to this day from my school years and this person unfortunately is one of them.

I am starting to think it's best to distance myself from my friend, as I already feel I cannot tell them anything anymore, and it's impossible to get them to meet for a coffee and catch up as they spend all their time with them.

Akrasia

Seriously.

1. your friend can date whoever they want

2. The brother they're dating is not the person who bullied you

What do you want to achieve here?

cnocbui

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120707411#Comment_120707411

True, but equally the OP is entitled to their feelings and viewpoint. I think they, are fine with the friend dating the brother, but rightly concerned at the prospect of being dragged into contact with someone they despise due to their friend being oblivious to the history.

Big Bag of Chips

How likely is it that you're going to end up socialising in the company of the person who bullied you. I have a best friend of over 30 years. I'm married over 20 years. My best friend has pretty much zero interaction with my in-laws. Why would she? The last time they would have been in the same area was most likely our wedding.

It doesn't sound like you're actually all that close to this particular friend anyway. You think she wouldn't listen to you and would get defensive. She's not going out with the person who bullied you. So honestly? She'd probably have a right to get defensive. Also the fact that you're considering distancing yourself makes me think you're not that close.

I know it's horrible for you. That feeling can be as real as when you were in school, and can bring you right back there. But this fella didn't bully you. There is no reason for your friend to stop seeing him. If it turns out he's not particularly nice either, she'll figure it out for herself and it'll end anyway.

Uncharted2

I am close with this person but I feel I have no alternative. A few of us went out for a meal and drinks to meet her boyfriend and that evening while I was speaking to him, he spent most of the night telling me how friendly he was with people who bullied me, he even knew they were known as a 'bullying gang' at school and thought this was hilarious, I went to the toilet that night and felt like crying, I did not want to be reminded of my horrible past.

This among other examples are leaving me no option, I do care for my friend but I don't see any other way.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120707570#Comment_120707570

Him being friends with the bullies is slightly more detail than him just being the brother of.

If your friend is a good friend she will be sympathetic, but you shouldn’t expect her to stop dating this guy because of it, he wasn’t the bully himself if I am right. You can just say it to your friend about what happened in the past and that you might feel awkward in certain situations. If she gets defensive just because you mention that then she’s not a friend - a normal person would generally sympathise of a friend opens up to them about bullying.

dontmindme

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120707570#Comment_120707570

Tell your friend (if she doesn't know) about your school past, immediately followed by the interaction with the boyfriend the night of the meal, and how you felt. Just let her know that you won't be socialising with any of these people going forward and it was easy for this guy to laugh at it all when he wasn't the one being bullied. Your friend will have conflicting emotions and be in a slightly difficult situation but you need to take care of yourself and your friend needs to decide for herself what's right for her. Her boyfriend thinking it all hilarious makes him sound like a dickhead.

maninasia

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120707570#Comment_120707570

This guy is a bad egg.

Risteard81

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058300583/friend-is-dating-a-brother-of-person-who-bullied-me-at-school

Get over it. Also the brother isn't the one who allegedly bullied you.

maninasia

Maybe she can't and doesn't want to 'get over it'.

The new bf sounds like an arsehole himself, probably runs in the family.

What's with the allegedly??? Nobody is using real names here, you need to get over yourself.

TheadoreT

Your friend should listen to your concerns but ultimately I can't see her changing her mind.

From other comments on boards you seem ultra anti immigration and freely using the "bully" word for people who question your controversial stances. Are you sure these bullies in school weren't just similarly checking racist behaviours ect?

iniscealtra

You should tell your friend for your own piece of mind but ultimately she’ll say he had nothing to do with it and nothing will change. Your friend will just be aware of why you feel a little uncomfortable. In fairness he does have nothing to do with it. Try to face your fears. In this case the fear is only that. As an adult this is an important step.

z80CPU

My situation might be worse than yours OP.

My first cousin is still best mates with one of my classmates, final year was 1990.

The classmate was done a few years ago for drunk driving and put off the road for 2 years and fined. Same classmate got one of his crew to threaten me online - I was bumped by the classmate to 'say the wrong thing' to them.

My advice is see if you give it a chance.

Deeec

OP you cant expect your friend to dump this guy just because his brother bullied you in school. As a couple they could be really happy together.

You should mention the bullying to her, how he made you feel etc and say you wont be socialising with them if certain people are there. Thats all you can do - avoid the guy, his brother and his friends. You dont have to ruin your friendship with your friend over this though. This relationship could finish fairly quick and you will still have your friend in your life.

Baybay

I don’t know what you said elsewhere on Boards but if you’re uncomfortable in his presence, that’s understandable. He hasn’t helped things but also may not know how affected you were by his brother & friends.

i wouldn’t say anything to your friend, what’s to be gained? Either she’ll be sympathetic & continue seeing him or perhaps she’ll wonder how you’re still bothered & continue seeing him. Either way she’ll probably continue seeing him, for now anyway but you’ll be in the situation where it’ll be known that you’re still bothered & I wouldn’t give the bully brother that power, even now.

Chances of you meeting up that regularly with your friend will probably take a hit as their new romance gets underway. Meet her when suits you & don’t when it doesn’t. You’ll soon see how often you’ll be with the brother & if it makes your friendship viable going forward.

Big Bag of Chips

ALL POSTERS are reminded that they are posting in the Personal Issues/Relationship Issues Forum and to abide by the Forum Charter that applies here. This is an advice forum.

Off Topic posts deleted.

Tork

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120707407#Comment_120707407

It would be a real shame for you to lose a friend over this. I think you're already going down that road and for what? A new relationship that could be over in a few months' time. I think you should be honest and tell him/her that you were bullied by the sibling and that you don't want to spend time in their company. That's a perfectly reasonable request. Don't ask or expect your friend to end the relationship because that's not going to happen. (Has anybody, anywhere, ever ended a relationship because their family and friends disliked their new squeeze?). If you don't tell your friend, you're bound to find yourself in uncomfortable situations again and what good will that do anybody? You'll feel like crap and your friend will wonder what has gotten into you.

Buddy Bubs

I'm marrying a girl that was my sisters friend but they had a massive falling out about 5 years before I ever got together with her.

I still haven't got my head around this falling out they had, I just don't get it despite hearing both sides of the story. They were great friends, possibly got a bit fed up of each other and instead of drifting they had blazing row.

They didn't speak for years before we got together and still don't really get on well. But if my sister ever asked me to stop seeing her, even at the very start I would have point blank said no way. Your friend will do the same.

SupaCat95

Op, you are in a right dilemma. If you do mention it you could potentially have a massive falling out with the friend and if you don't and the relationship breaks up, why didn't you warn her?

On the other hand it is also part of life learning about mistakes. "What is the most important thing we learn about falling down? We learn to pick ourselves up!"

There is also the think that certain girls are attracted to bad boys and they learn after they get burned. Some don't learn and repeat the same mistakes consistently. If she is young enough to learn let it happen and if she is old enough to know better she will never learn. This is the way real life is.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120737477#Comment_120737477

Warn her about what, exactly???

cj maxx

I think you should tell your friend you don’t want to hang out with the brother . Tell her why , but this lad she’s seeing is a a different fella to his brother

SupaCat95

@Dial Hard This guy is coming from bad stock. While he hasn't done anything yet, she has had previous dealings with the family.

irelandrover

Just explain the situation to your friend.

That you want to stay friends but do not want to hang around with her new boyfriend as it reminds you of a very difficult time in your life.

Uncharted2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120747611#Comment_120747611

I met up with my friend recently and she was talking about the (person who bullied me) and by the looks of it the brother has my friends head filled with how lovely and great (the person who bullied me) is. I honestly feel I can't tell my friend the truth about this person now, I've made a decision to say nothing and I feel I've been left with no alternative but to distance myself from my friend sadly.

Deeec

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120781603#Comment_120781603

Being honest to distance yourself from your friend over this is a total overreaction. You dont have to fall out with your friend over this. You dont have to have any sort of relationship with your friends boyfriend or his brother. Dont lose a good friend over this - their relationship could fizzle out. Have you told your friend about the bullying yet?

I have never had anything to do with any of my friends partners siblings and I dont see why you need to be involved with them in any way either. I think you are completely over thinking this.

Uncharted2

Another reason I can't tell my friend about the bullying is, I know this person hasn't changed much from school and is not a person to fall out with. If I was to tell my friend I'd be worried the brother would find out what I said and it would get back to her and all hell would break lose. My friend has no idea who they are involved with sadly.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120781679#Comment_120781679

Wouldn’t you want to warn your friend of you feel the situation is dangerous? Or you’re not that close really, if you are worried they would tell.

Uncharted2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120781719#Comment_120781719

I don't think my friend would listen to be honest, I do know that they won't thank me down the line if things go pear shaped but if they had of came to me in the beginning I would have been able to give heads up and warned them to be careful.

Hannibal_Smith

They're only dating. Who's to say how long term it is. You could be creating distance between your friend and yourself for no reason.

Bullying is horrendous and there's no disputing that. But to have it impact your life in such a way that you cut people out of it isn't a healthy way to deal with it.

As has been said before the chances of you meeting his brother are slim, but it's the brother you have the problem with yet your punishing all involved because of something he did.

Big Bag of Chips

but if they had of came to me in the beginning I would have been able to give heads up and warned them to be careful.

This wouldn't be an average things people do when they start going out with someone. I have never gone to any of my friends and asked them to vet any of my boyfriends, and certainly not family members of boyfriends.

I get that this has really shaken you OP, I do. But your friend hasn't done anything wrong. Her boyfriend hasn't done anything wrong. Her boyfriend probably likes his sister - most families get along and tend to back each other.

I think for your own sake you need to get away from this situation. Because you are not in a position to handle it yet. But I think you should definitely look into, or continue if you are already attending, counselling. A nasty person did crappy things to you. That's nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them. Also you weren't the only person targeted by them. You seem to know they haven't changed much, so obviously they're treating others badly now too. As adults. Fairly pathetic, but there are all sorts of people in the world.

You need to find a way to allow yourself move on from this. The only one getting upset in this situation is you.

Tork

OP, lots of people have experience of having people in their lives who don't get on with each other. Family members and friends who are all nice in their own right but can't all co-exist in the same room at the same time. So if your friends Mary and Sean don't like each other, you just make sure that Sean isn't invited along to anything Mary will be at and vice versa. You obviously have a huge mental block about even admitting you were bullied by this person, so why not soften the message? Just tell your friend that you and this sibling don't get on well and that you'd rather not socialise with them.

Uncharted2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120784329#Comment_120784329

Unfortunately I don't feel I can mention it as I don't want the person who bullied me to find out what I said. Honestly I never expected my friend to break up with this person. I do realise as time is going on my friend is making excuses to avoid catching up be with me, be it over a coffee or a beer, I feel maybe they have been influenced as the (person who bullied me never liked me obviously) and has maybe said something to that affect, and my friend spends time with her also. If that is the case maybe I am better off, but I do wonder after years of friendship has it meant nothing to my 'friend'.

Big Bag of Chips

But OP, you were willing to just drop your friend because she started going out with the brother of the person who bullied you. People here gave all sorts of advice and your answer to everything was your friend wouldn't listen and you'd be better off just distancing yourself from her.

Now that it seems she's picking up vibes from you and not meeting you as often. You are blaming her (again) for the demise of your friendship. Although she is just doing exactly what you had planned to do. I think your friendship has most likely come to it's natural end. But it's not because of who she's going out with. It looks like both of you have taken the first flimsy excuse to avoid each other. If you were really good friends, then someone else's opinion of one or other of you would be irrelevant.

You also seem to have a very low opinion of her in general. She wouldn't listen to you if you told her about your past bullying. You wouldn't want to tell her because it'd get back to the person who bullied you. So you obviously think your friend would betray your trust and carry the story back to her boyfriend's sister? Maybe you two were just friends out of convenience and habit, and the first opportunity to walk away you (plural) have taken it.

Uncharted2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120795589#Comment_120795589

I gave the reason why I felt I should distance myself, doesn't mean I actually have yet as it's not something I want to have to do. I am very grateful for all the responses and advice people have given on here. I think you're being a bit harsh with your response, you don't know me or what I am going through in life, so be kind.

Tork

You don't have to take any big steps to send this friendship down the swanee. Simply keeping the truth (or a form of the truth) from your friend, while you act weird and get annoyed is no solution. Your friend isn't a mind reader.

Big Bag of Chips

I am trying to be kind, OP. But every single post you have made on this thread mentions distancing yourself from your friend. How she wouldn't listen to you. You also believe your friend would go back to her boyfriends sister and tell her what you said.

Unfortunately I don't feel I can mention it as I don't want the person who bullied me to find out what I said.

Your friend has more than likely picked up that you're not very happy that she has started going out with this fella. In the absence of you talking to her about it she is creating her own story and deciding you either have an issue with her boyfriend specifically, or you have an issue with her going out with anyone in general.

I see on your other thread that she's a friend of 25 years. Surely after that length of time you can speak to her about things? And if you feel you can't, or that she wouldn't listen, or worse would take someone else's side, is she actually worth your friendship?

Edit: Do you suffer with anxiety, OP? You seem to have a whole scenario built in your head, that unless your friend has always been nasty to you doesn't seem to have an basis in reality. You think the only outcome from talking to her will be bad for you. Can you not see an outcome where your friend will be a friend to you?

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120795066#Comment_120795066

Hold on OP. You are questioning her loyalty to your friendship, yet you're the one planning on deliberately creating distance between you both. If you're creating distance, you can't blame her when there's a distance between you.

Your friend has no idea what's going on. She's met a guy, started dating him and is totally oblivious to your history with the sibling. Not the person theyre seeing, but the sibling. All she's done is go out with some one. She is the innocent party in all of this. You are friends with her for 25 years. You weren't friends with her in school (I don't think?) because you say she wasn't part of your life back then, which means the bullying took place over 25 years ago. As I said before bullying is horrendous and I'm not trying to trivialise it, but if it's negatively impacting your life that's something you need to work on. It's quite possible the person who bullied you has copped on to themselves and has changed.

There is no way on earth I would ever think of dropping a friend of 25 years, unless they did something to me. Some friendships come and go but for one to endure 25 years there has to have been plenty of life's ups and downs you have weathered together. I am wondering whether it's the bullying you have an issue with, or is it at all possible that you are a little jealous of the new relationships your friend is forming?

If you're dead set on dropping her, you can't blame her for moving on.

Uncharted2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120796587#Comment_120796587

I have said previously I know the person (who bullied) hasn't changed much since those days, and personally I don't want to see that person again as scares of an awful time and don't need to be reopened again.

Why would I be jealous of my friends relationship? The problem is my friend (the last time I say her) was talking a lot about the person who bullied me and how great they are, this has now made our friendship problematic. I'm not getting into the details of the bullying but it was a horrible time and things like that affect a person even into adulthood. If you read my earlier comments I said this was a gang. I don't want this friend to know of my past or what happened.

Jim_Hodge

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120796821#Comment_120796821

You keep going on as if they are dating the person who bullied you and not their brother. It's not like he's going to be an In-Law to you. Tell your friend your concerns but do not make it a choice between you and their current partner.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120796821#Comment_120796821

How can you know they haven't changed, you haven't had anything to do with them in 25+ years?

I understand school was a horrible time because of the bullying. I've said that already and empathised with you over it. I've also said I'm not trying to trivialise it. But it's 25+ years ago, isn't there a balance that means you can healthily move on so it doesn't hurt you so much any longer?

Its totally random that your long time friend has ended up dating the brother of your school bully. And it's sh*t luck. Is it worth saying goodbye to a friend who had nothing to do with it, has no idea it happened and has no clue why they've suddenly been dropped? She's not talking about the bully to rub your nose in it, she has no idea you have any issue.

Why would you be jealous? I don't know. Jealousy can manifest itself for many different reasons.

Whatever the reason you're backing yourself into a corner a little bit. I've had awful things happen to me at the hands of one particular person, but I haven't cut myself off from the people who talk about the person who caused issues with me. They have their relationship that is separate to mine and I've no right to dictate to them who they spend time with, in my view anyway. Equally I'm not going to distance myself from people I care about. Is it easy? No. But in my view to cut people out of my life over something some one else did just seems like I'd be punishing or hurting myself even more.

Any way, you've made your decision and are going to cut her out by the looks of it. But remember, she hasn't done anything wrong and moving on from the friendship after you've decided to end it is nothing bad that she's done to you. She's accepting the decision you've made and action you've taken.

Uncharted2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120796973#Comment_120796973

The person works in retail, the odd time I have went into this shop, she has been working. And have met in passing and they blanked me numerous times, among other things (which I'm not getting into on here) this person hasn't changed much at all.

Uncharted2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120795726#Comment_120795726

I honestly feel I can't tell her as she could take their side, also mainly because I don't want the past repeating itself (not with my friend) but the person who bullied finding out what I said. Honestly, the thought of that terrifies me immensely to the point I feel sick.

Goldengirl

Ahh, this is a difficult issue for you. You need to tell your friend if she is indeed still a friend, what you are thinking and ensure she is under no illusions that you will not risk meeting up with her boyfriends' sibling and going out in a group with them .

However you cannot control who your friend dates, never mind the fact that this is a sibling that you have the problem with and not the person you say bullied you .

This is a situation you cannot influence except to tell your friend the truth and allow them the chance to judge what is best .

Give them that respect and if they do not reciprocate by listening and giving you the benefit of believing your story and ensuring you are not put in an uncomfortable situation with the boyfriend's family , then it is time to walk away from them and the situation .

Don't fight with them , tell them your story , leave them to decide .

Things can change, but let them come back to you first .

Tork

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120797033#Comment_120797033

You must have a very poor opinion of your friend. If the situations were reversed, how would you behave? Would you really throw away a long friendship just because your new boyfriend/girlfriend's sibling had bullied your friend in school? I can only speak for myself here but I wouldn't dream of throwing an old trusted friend under the bus in a situation like this. I'd be happy to learn what the sibling was like, so I'd have a better idea who I was dealing with. And I'd do my best to ensure that the sibling and my old friend never met up. Seriously OP, you turning this into a drama when there is no need to have one.

Big Bag of Chips

Would you not be happy the person blanks you? Would you prefer she was all smiles and pleasant, trying to engage you in small talk. In the films the bully might get her comeuppance or might see the error of her ways and ask your forgiveness. In real life people tend to just move on with their lives and ignore the stuff that makes them feel awkward or uncomfortable.

You are never going to like her. You are never going to be comfortable in her company. She had power and control over you in school and now by allowing her come between you and your friend you are allowing her that power all over again. Except this time she doesn't even know she has it. She is not a nice person. That's not your fault. If she's not a nice person your friend will soon figure it out. Everyone is on best behaviour at the moment trying to make a good impression on each other, but if she's still a nasty person her colours will show soon.

But even if/when your friend finds out she's a nasty bully that doesn't mean she'll finish with her boyfriend. She'll just be sure to spend as little time as possible near his sister.

Walk away from your friend if you must. But I do think counselling would help you take back some of your life, and some of your power.

Uncharted2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120797095#Comment_120797095

Honestly if the situation was the other way around, I'd be glad my friend told me as I'd like to think we were close enough to be able to confide in each other about things like this, and I'd just bare in mind. I may be turning it into a drama but I'm a worrier and I don't want the past coming to my door again.

Uncharted2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120797128#Comment_120797128

Don't get me wrong I am glad she blanks me but my friend has such a high opinion of her it hurts and hard to bite my tongue when I know what she's really like.

That's very true all helpful points.

Tork

Why should it hurt that your friend has such a high opinion of this woman? She doesn't know what she's really like. She can't do, because you won't tell her.