Friend is dating a brother of person who bullied me at school

Hannibal_Smith

They're only dating. Who's to say how long term it is. You could be creating distance between your friend and yourself for no reason.

Bullying is horrendous and there's no disputing that. But to have it impact your life in such a way that you cut people out of it isn't a healthy way to deal with it.

As has been said before the chances of you meeting his brother are slim, but it's the brother you have the problem with yet your punishing all involved because of something he did.

Big Bag of Chips

but if they had of came to me in the beginning I would have been able to give heads up and warned them to be careful.

This wouldn't be an average things people do when they start going out with someone. I have never gone to any of my friends and asked them to vet any of my boyfriends, and certainly not family members of boyfriends.

I get that this has really shaken you OP, I do. But your friend hasn't done anything wrong. Her boyfriend hasn't done anything wrong. Her boyfriend probably likes his sister - most families get along and tend to back each other.

I think for your own sake you need to get away from this situation. Because you are not in a position to handle it yet. But I think you should definitely look into, or continue if you are already attending, counselling. A nasty person did crappy things to you. That's nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them. Also you weren't the only person targeted by them. You seem to know they haven't changed much, so obviously they're treating others badly now too. As adults. Fairly pathetic, but there are all sorts of people in the world.

You need to find a way to allow yourself move on from this. The only one getting upset in this situation is you.

Tork

OP, lots of people have experience of having people in their lives who don't get on with each other. Family members and friends who are all nice in their own right but can't all co-exist in the same room at the same time. So if your friends Mary and Sean don't like each other, you just make sure that Sean isn't invited along to anything Mary will be at and vice versa. You obviously have a huge mental block about even admitting you were bullied by this person, so why not soften the message? Just tell your friend that you and this sibling don't get on well and that you'd rather not socialise with them.

Uncharted2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120784329#Comment_120784329

Unfortunately I don't feel I can mention it as I don't want the person who bullied me to find out what I said. Honestly I never expected my friend to break up with this person. I do realise as time is going on my friend is making excuses to avoid catching up be with me, be it over a coffee or a beer, I feel maybe they have been influenced as the (person who bullied me never liked me obviously) and has maybe said something to that affect, and my friend spends time with her also. If that is the case maybe I am better off, but I do wonder after years of friendship has it meant nothing to my 'friend'.

Big Bag of Chips

But OP, you were willing to just drop your friend because she started going out with the brother of the person who bullied you. People here gave all sorts of advice and your answer to everything was your friend wouldn't listen and you'd be better off just distancing yourself from her.

Now that it seems she's picking up vibes from you and not meeting you as often. You are blaming her (again) for the demise of your friendship. Although she is just doing exactly what you had planned to do. I think your friendship has most likely come to it's natural end. But it's not because of who she's going out with. It looks like both of you have taken the first flimsy excuse to avoid each other. If you were really good friends, then someone else's opinion of one or other of you would be irrelevant.

You also seem to have a very low opinion of her in general. She wouldn't listen to you if you told her about your past bullying. You wouldn't want to tell her because it'd get back to the person who bullied you. So you obviously think your friend would betray your trust and carry the story back to her boyfriend's sister? Maybe you two were just friends out of convenience and habit, and the first opportunity to walk away you (plural) have taken it.

Uncharted2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120795589#Comment_120795589

I gave the reason why I felt I should distance myself, doesn't mean I actually have yet as it's not something I want to have to do. I am very grateful for all the responses and advice people have given on here. I think you're being a bit harsh with your response, you don't know me or what I am going through in life, so be kind.

Tork

You don't have to take any big steps to send this friendship down the swanee. Simply keeping the truth (or a form of the truth) from your friend, while you act weird and get annoyed is no solution. Your friend isn't a mind reader.

Big Bag of Chips

I am trying to be kind, OP. But every single post you have made on this thread mentions distancing yourself from your friend. How she wouldn't listen to you. You also believe your friend would go back to her boyfriends sister and tell her what you said.

Unfortunately I don't feel I can mention it as I don't want the person who bullied me to find out what I said.

Your friend has more than likely picked up that you're not very happy that she has started going out with this fella. In the absence of you talking to her about it she is creating her own story and deciding you either have an issue with her boyfriend specifically, or you have an issue with her going out with anyone in general.

I see on your other thread that she's a friend of 25 years. Surely after that length of time you can speak to her about things? And if you feel you can't, or that she wouldn't listen, or worse would take someone else's side, is she actually worth your friendship?

Edit: Do you suffer with anxiety, OP? You seem to have a whole scenario built in your head, that unless your friend has always been nasty to you doesn't seem to have an basis in reality. You think the only outcome from talking to her will be bad for you. Can you not see an outcome where your friend will be a friend to you?

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120795066#Comment_120795066

Hold on OP. You are questioning her loyalty to your friendship, yet you're the one planning on deliberately creating distance between you both. If you're creating distance, you can't blame her when there's a distance between you.

Your friend has no idea what's going on. She's met a guy, started dating him and is totally oblivious to your history with the sibling. Not the person theyre seeing, but the sibling. All she's done is go out with some one. She is the innocent party in all of this. You are friends with her for 25 years. You weren't friends with her in school (I don't think?) because you say she wasn't part of your life back then, which means the bullying took place over 25 years ago. As I said before bullying is horrendous and I'm not trying to trivialise it, but if it's negatively impacting your life that's something you need to work on. It's quite possible the person who bullied you has copped on to themselves and has changed.

There is no way on earth I would ever think of dropping a friend of 25 years, unless they did something to me. Some friendships come and go but for one to endure 25 years there has to have been plenty of life's ups and downs you have weathered together. I am wondering whether it's the bullying you have an issue with, or is it at all possible that you are a little jealous of the new relationships your friend is forming?

If you're dead set on dropping her, you can't blame her for moving on.

Uncharted2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120796587#Comment_120796587

I have said previously I know the person (who bullied) hasn't changed much since those days, and personally I don't want to see that person again as scares of an awful time and don't need to be reopened again.

Why would I be jealous of my friends relationship? The problem is my friend (the last time I say her) was talking a lot about the person who bullied me and how great they are, this has now made our friendship problematic. I'm not getting into the details of the bullying but it was a horrible time and things like that affect a person even into adulthood. If you read my earlier comments I said this was a gang. I don't want this friend to know of my past or what happened.

Jim_Hodge

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120796821#Comment_120796821

You keep going on as if they are dating the person who bullied you and not their brother. It's not like he's going to be an In-Law to you. Tell your friend your concerns but do not make it a choice between you and their current partner.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120796821#Comment_120796821

How can you know they haven't changed, you haven't had anything to do with them in 25+ years?

I understand school was a horrible time because of the bullying. I've said that already and empathised with you over it. I've also said I'm not trying to trivialise it. But it's 25+ years ago, isn't there a balance that means you can healthily move on so it doesn't hurt you so much any longer?

Its totally random that your long time friend has ended up dating the brother of your school bully. And it's sh*t luck. Is it worth saying goodbye to a friend who had nothing to do with it, has no idea it happened and has no clue why they've suddenly been dropped? She's not talking about the bully to rub your nose in it, she has no idea you have any issue.

Why would you be jealous? I don't know. Jealousy can manifest itself for many different reasons.

Whatever the reason you're backing yourself into a corner a little bit. I've had awful things happen to me at the hands of one particular person, but I haven't cut myself off from the people who talk about the person who caused issues with me. They have their relationship that is separate to mine and I've no right to dictate to them who they spend time with, in my view anyway. Equally I'm not going to distance myself from people I care about. Is it easy? No. But in my view to cut people out of my life over something some one else did just seems like I'd be punishing or hurting myself even more.

Any way, you've made your decision and are going to cut her out by the looks of it. But remember, she hasn't done anything wrong and moving on from the friendship after you've decided to end it is nothing bad that she's done to you. She's accepting the decision you've made and action you've taken.

Uncharted2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120796973#Comment_120796973

The person works in retail, the odd time I have went into this shop, she has been working. And have met in passing and they blanked me numerous times, among other things (which I'm not getting into on here) this person hasn't changed much at all.

Uncharted2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120795726#Comment_120795726

I honestly feel I can't tell her as she could take their side, also mainly because I don't want the past repeating itself (not with my friend) but the person who bullied finding out what I said. Honestly, the thought of that terrifies me immensely to the point I feel sick.

Goldengirl

Ahh, this is a difficult issue for you. You need to tell your friend if she is indeed still a friend, what you are thinking and ensure she is under no illusions that you will not risk meeting up with her boyfriends' sibling and going out in a group with them .

However you cannot control who your friend dates, never mind the fact that this is a sibling that you have the problem with and not the person you say bullied you .

This is a situation you cannot influence except to tell your friend the truth and allow them the chance to judge what is best .

Give them that respect and if they do not reciprocate by listening and giving you the benefit of believing your story and ensuring you are not put in an uncomfortable situation with the boyfriend's family , then it is time to walk away from them and the situation .

Don't fight with them , tell them your story , leave them to decide .

Things can change, but let them come back to you first .

Tork

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120797033#Comment_120797033

You must have a very poor opinion of your friend. If the situations were reversed, how would you behave? Would you really throw away a long friendship just because your new boyfriend/girlfriend's sibling had bullied your friend in school? I can only speak for myself here but I wouldn't dream of throwing an old trusted friend under the bus in a situation like this. I'd be happy to learn what the sibling was like, so I'd have a better idea who I was dealing with. And I'd do my best to ensure that the sibling and my old friend never met up. Seriously OP, you turning this into a drama when there is no need to have one.

Big Bag of Chips

Would you not be happy the person blanks you? Would you prefer she was all smiles and pleasant, trying to engage you in small talk. In the films the bully might get her comeuppance or might see the error of her ways and ask your forgiveness. In real life people tend to just move on with their lives and ignore the stuff that makes them feel awkward or uncomfortable.

You are never going to like her. You are never going to be comfortable in her company. She had power and control over you in school and now by allowing her come between you and your friend you are allowing her that power all over again. Except this time she doesn't even know she has it. She is not a nice person. That's not your fault. If she's not a nice person your friend will soon figure it out. Everyone is on best behaviour at the moment trying to make a good impression on each other, but if she's still a nasty person her colours will show soon.

But even if/when your friend finds out she's a nasty bully that doesn't mean she'll finish with her boyfriend. She'll just be sure to spend as little time as possible near his sister.

Walk away from your friend if you must. But I do think counselling would help you take back some of your life, and some of your power.

Uncharted2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120797095#Comment_120797095

Honestly if the situation was the other way around, I'd be glad my friend told me as I'd like to think we were close enough to be able to confide in each other about things like this, and I'd just bare in mind. I may be turning it into a drama but I'm a worrier and I don't want the past coming to my door again.

Uncharted2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120797128#Comment_120797128

Don't get me wrong I am glad she blanks me but my friend has such a high opinion of her it hurts and hard to bite my tongue when I know what she's really like.

That's very true all helpful points.

Tork

Why should it hurt that your friend has such a high opinion of this woman? She doesn't know what she's really like. She can't do, because you won't tell her.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120797207#Comment_120797207

Your friend has only just met her. Its her boyfriend's sister. They're all in the initial honeymoon phase of getting to know each other and putting their best foots forward. Who knows how it will all pan out.

Uncharted2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120797484#Comment_120797484

I was speaking to my cousin this evening on the phone, who is also friendly with my friend, and my cousin mentioned that she told her at the start of the relationship that his sister bullied me at school, as my friend had asked her what the family are like as they are from the same area as my family, now I don't know what to think anymore 😐

BrianG23

Youre just bring a coward here to be honest. Stop doing that, it's bad for you. Face your fears. What's the worst that can happen?

Really it's the harsh truth, as a fellow ex anxiety riddled teen and 20s, you need to do what you can to start standing up for yourself.

If you are really close with your friend it's time to open up to her, I think she deserves that after 25 years, in fact she might even be offended you never told her.

But who knows. Again..what's the worst that can happen. Really

Jeez the perfect opportunity to say it was when you met the boyfriend, really smack them in the face about how cool the bullies were. That would put him right on the spot, too.

Tork

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120797568#Comment_120797568

What do you want your friend to do? Seriously? As many people have already pointed out repeatedly

(1) Your friend is not dating the bully

(2) Your friend is not going to dump her boyfriend because of what somebody else did to you

(3) Everybody is on their best behaviour and your friend has not seen the bad side of his sister

Your friend's relationship with this guy may or may not last the distance. Like anybody when they've met someone they like, they're giving their new squeeze the benefit of the doubt and want things to work out. That includes making nice with his family, who she might see as being her in-laws down the line.

You are in no position to rage about how great your friend thinks the sister is when you refuse to open your mouth and set her straight. All of this would be resolved one way or the other if you actually talked to your friend and found out what she is actually thinking. I don't see what you have to lose at this stage. You're already on the path to losing your friend.

Big Bag of Chips

Obviously then all your friend's talk of the boyfriend and sister etc has been her giving you the chance to talk to her... And you haven't.

She's unlikely to ask you out straight because in 25 years of friendship you have never ever mentioned this to her. And when she started going out with her bf you still didn't say anything.

Maybe she doesn't know what to think. Maybe she thinks your cousin is sht stirring, because you haven't actually said anything to her.

After all this... What do you want to do?

It really is that simple. What do you want to do?

suvigirl

Jaysis lord! Do you want to actually tell your friend or not?

You seem very happy to lose your friend over something she doesn't even know she has done, when she hasn't even actually done anything!

Your friend told you she likes someone, who is their boyfriends sister, you don't like that person because they bullied you.

You either,

tell your friend you don't like this person because they bullied you.

Or don't tell them.

That's all your decision. If you're happy to lose a friend because they are going out with someone whose sister treated you badly years ago, but they don't know about it, them that's your decision.

Seems a bit OTT to me.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120797568#Comment_120797568

Well your cousin has told her at the start of the relationship and it hasn't brought hell to your door. So there's an indication that telling your friend may not cause the trouble you think.

Your issue is not with your friend. Stop making it her issue. You're taking your anger out on the wrong person and to be honest, you're using your friend as an easy target for your anger. She hasn't bullied you. She's met a guy and been introduced to his family and got on well with them.

I think you need to talk to someone about the bullying and learn some techniques on how to live with it. Because you can't live the rest of your life cutting people out because they have a connection to the family of the person who bullied you.

Uncharted2

Thank you all so much for your advice and support, I am going to stop being cowardly about this and being afraid of what will happen, and bite the bullet and tell her. I'm going to arrange to meet soon and get this off my chest, I think she will be shocked about my past when I inform her but its better out in the open.

Deeec

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120798286#Comment_120798286

How does your good friend of 25 years not know about how you were bullied already. Did you know your friend at the time?

I agree with others that you should look into counselling to help you deal with it. Also keep remembering that this bully is no longer part of your life and doesnt need to be in the future. To lose your friend of 25 years over this is silly - you never ever have to see that bully again. They are your friends boyfriends sibling and thats it - they are not part of your life in any way. As I said in an earlier post I never see any of my friends husbands siblings - why would I ever see them.

Uncharted2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120798409#Comment_120798409

After I left school I wanted to leave that horrible time in my life behind, met new people along the way and never felt I had to bring that time in my life up.