Friend is dating a brother of person who bullied me at school

Deeec

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120798529#Comment_120798529

So you only met your friend of 25 years after school. Am I right in saying then that you are in your 40's?

OP I mean this sincerely if the bullying that happened in school is still affecting you in your 40's you really need professional help to deal with this.

Being honest from your original post I expected you to be in your late teens early 20s not a mature person. Best of luck and I hope you can someday put the way you were bullied by this horrible person behind you.

Uncharted2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120798555#Comment_120798555

I'm in my 30s, I left school early.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120798286#Comment_120798286

Shocked about your past??? You were bullied at school, OP, it's not exactly the deep, dark, thrilling secret you seem to think. I agree with others that you would hugely benefit from therapy to help you get over this, as it seems to have attained almost talismanic status in your mind and is definitely adversely affecting your life. I don't think I know anyone who wasn't bullied to some degree in school, but I also don't know anyone who still goes on about it.

CrookedJack

OP I understand your feelings here. Being bullied, like any form of abuse, is victimising. It drastically affects your self-image, it makes you blame yourself for the abuse as much as the bully. "Why did they single me out?" "What weakness did they see in me that led them to do that?". It has a profound impact on you as it happens usually in the years when you are forming your opinion of the type of person you are.

I completely understand you not telling friends you met afterwards about it. because of course you don't want them to see you as someone who could be bullied. Deep down you worry that maybe they'll see whatever flaw your bullys did and their opinion about you will change. All deep-rooted, emotional damage that is very difficult to unpick without help - help I would urge you to seek out.

Ignore anyone giving you a hard time about not having told your friend previously - they simply don't fully understand the impact of this kind of abuse.

While I applaud your determination to talk to your friend now about the situation, be careful of the self-talk. You're not a coward. It is perfectly understandable that you found it very hard to open up about this, give yourself a break. I think it shows strength that you are going to tell her now, that level of worry and anxiety is hard to overcome. Be proud of yourself for that.

witchgirl26

OP I'm going to talk to you as someone who was bullied horribly in my pre-teens. My bully not only was in school but lived near enough me that it could cause problems at home as well as in school. It was horrible. Affected me deeply for years & probably still would in some little ways of not being sure of myself.

That said, it was similar time frame - 25 years ago & I have also been blanked by this person if I see them in the area my mam lives. I know really nothing about their life now & while I could claim her blanking me shows that she's still a terrible person, the realities are probably a lot different. Most bullies are not inherently bad people but rather have things in their own lives they are struggling with & take those out on the victims. I'm not condoning the behaviour but I do think it's important to recognise that the bullying is more reflective on the bully than the victim having anything wrong.

Everyone changes over time & 25 years is a long time. You cannot know for sure that your bully is the same person they were when in their teens. I'm not the same person I was, you're not the same person you were but yet you seem convinced that this person won't have changed at all.

Your friend does not know this history & while the cousin may have mentioned something, it might not have been to the level that would have caused a large amount of concern for your friend. She doesn't know the extent of the bullying. All she is assessing this person is on how they have been with her since meeting & they seem to like her. That is not your friend being disloyal or anything of the like. She's probably trying to build a good relationship with her new boyfriends family.

My advice would be this. Talk to your friend, let her know what happened. But understand that your friend is not likely to either break up with her boyfriend or cut contact with his sister in light of that. She might stop talking about the sister with you to protect your feelings but she may have forged a friendship with the sister based on who she is now rather than who she was 25 years ago.

As for yourself. You need, for your own piece of mind, to deal with the consequences of this bullying. If you are still this wracked with it 25 years on, you have not dealt with it properly. Like I said, it's a similar time frame for me. If I saw my bully again, I don't think I'd feel much towards her either way. I'm ambivalent to her. If one of my friends was dating her brother, sure I might not want to be around her much but I wouldn't make it an issue for my friend (actually my bully does have a brother who was always lovely to me, apparently less so to some others, but again long time ago). Ultimately though your friends relationship is not about you. You need to figure out why you are still so affected by this person & allowing her to have this power over you when she hasn't looked for it in a long time.