Why do some people take such offence if you don't go to their stag party or wedding?

Former Former Former

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120537741#Comment_120537741

I don't let things like this get me down.

Your extensive ranting on the subject suggests otherwise

lenan

I'm an introvert, OH is an extrovert. I hate going to weddings, they love them. Unless its a very close friend or family member I don't go. I find them mentally exhausting. I have gone to local ceremony parts and then gone home, that part I actually enjoy. I would always inform the couple so that they don't count me in numbers.

Figel Narage

Interesting discussion going on here, I can see both sides of the argument.

Personally I fell out with a group of friends because I wasn't comfortable going to a wedding abroad during the pandemic before in the height of lockdown with travel restrictions and didnt go. I've since gotten back on good terms with that group but did feel bad about doing it for a long time.

However in writing that, I think if the wedding is in ireland and on a weekend, I would agree that not going could be seen as disrespectful, however going abroad for a wedding in my eyes is a bit extra and thus the people getting married should expect if a few people don't want to go, cant go and refuse to go.

I've only been to 1 wedding in my life, thought it was okay and like some other posters I wouldn't be mad about them but nonetheless would go to another one if it was in ireland and at a free time of the week

pgj2015

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120537763#Comment_120537763

I dont feel I have to give a gift. I never give money if I dont go to the wedding.

Jim_Hodge

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120538022#Comment_120538022

I've given wedding gifts to people when I haven't even been, nor expected to be, invited to the wedding. It's a gift to mark the occasion. But it's an individual decision.

On your original question, perhaps how you handle the decline of the invitation is the real issue.

pgj2015

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120538040#Comment_120538040

Maybe. what is the best way to deliine an invitation?

BrianD3

I refuse to go to weddings, I think the last one I was at was nearly 20 years ago. Although since then I've seen a few weddings as have transferred wedding videos from VHS to mpeg for people. Some required a lot of work due to mouldy tapes and other issues. All done free of charge by me as that is an actual friendly gesture.

But the same cliched stuff is there in all of the videos, speeches, drunks "doing the conga" etc. Other people's weddings are even more absurdly boring on video than they are in person. Then you think about how much money the couple handed over to the wedding industry for one day. "Poor" hoteliers and others are laughing at them. And, as per this thread, guests also have to pay out money and be laughed at so that their friends will stay on speaking terms with them. Jesus wept.

This wedding nonsense is facilitated by Revenue - if a parent buys their child a car or gives them a cash gift or deposit for a house, there is a tax liability if it is over the relevant CAT threshold. Yet, strangely, if a parent hands over the same amount to the wedding industry, Revenue are not interested and have stated as such. Hoteliers love this and laugh even more than they were already.

Sgt Hartman

I just can't abide weddings. A long dragged out boring day. A long church ceremony followed by the interminably long waiting around period while the photographer takes a thousand pictures. The worst part for me is if you're sat at a table with people you don't know and you're struggling to make smalltalk with them.

In saying that though, if it was close family or a close friend I would make an effort to attend for them. It is were an acquaintance or a cousin I haven't interacted with in years then I wouldn't bother.

pgj2015

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eakJ06TTYPs

This is how a lot of couples act in relation to their all important wedding. 😂

pgj2015

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120537825#Comment_120537825

its not a rant, im just curious why people get so bent out of shape about friends not wanting to go to their stag and or wedding.

pgj2015

As we speak one of my friends is about to get married. I told him when he asked me 2 years ago that I wasn't going. He thinks other friends who told him they were going will be there. I know different, 2 or 3 of them are about to pull the plug. They have been added to the various lists, dinner at the wedding etc who is worse here, me or them? I think we know the answer.

kippy

For me, the wedding day was a day to get the family and friends that mattered most to myself and my wife in one place for an entire day - a chance to have fun, be merry and celebrate. A lot of people who were at our wedding have since passed away and the next time we are likely to have as many people that know us or are related to us together for an occassion is our funerals, which as you'll agree is a different type of occassion.

Granted, there might have been people there that meant a lot to us at the time who have since fallen away from regular contact - life moves on, people move around, circumstances change, but you generally don't regret that.

It is important for the couple that certain people be there but generally people appreciate if someone cannot come because they feel they are not close enough to the couple, have something else on, or in fairness for financial reasons.

Life is short, Covid has taught us that our lives can be turned upside down in a flash on a large scale and anyone who has health or other issues will tell you that every day is precious. When you have close friends, there are only so many occassions where you can meet up with them as time goes on and a wedding to most is a great occassion.

So unless you have some other massive life experience planned for their wedding day (or have a geniune reason not to go) I don't think there's a good reason not to go.

There are weddings I've not gone to myself, having a young family makes it difficult and I have missed a very close friends wedding to a massive life event on my own side but in general for my close friends and family I will make the effort.

If you dont do it thats fine, but there may be consequences of that decision,whether that is right or wrong.

BrianD3

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120538212#Comment_120538212

You should be commended for being direct. As I said in an earlier post, not being direct and bullsh*tting around issues is an Irish trait. Result is flaking out and unreliability. It can be seen in many aspects of life here. E.g. a tradesman tells you that he'll get back to you with a quote for a job when he doesn't want the job and has no intention of getting back to you - but it is a social faux pas to say this out straight.

pgj2015

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120538445#Comment_120538445

Thanks. Im always direct with friends and in business as well, I kind of take inspiration from Larry David lol Great point about Irish business people not getting back to you, my Father is waiting on a tradesman to fit a radiator 7 years after he was due to turn up to do the job, tree surgeons were due last September. I had two printers in the last 2 weeks let me down on a job they agreed to do etc the list is endless.

DebDynamite

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120537672#Comment_120537672

So you RSVPd to say you would be going, and only let the couple know a week (at most) before the wedding that you wouldn’t be going? If you’re using Covid as an excuse, the most notice you could realistically give is one week. That’s pretty bad form to accept the invite when you knew you weren’t going to go.

Jizique

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120537442#Comment_120537442

Most couples don't even remember who was at their wedding anyway, especially the large ones. It doesn't say much for them if they are the kind to hold a grudge against anyone who doesn't attend, for whatever reason.

Mister Vain

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120537661#Comment_120537661

Well you're hardly going to avoid becoming friends with someone just because they might decide to get married in the future and invite you to their wedding.

bucketybuck

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120538782#Comment_120538782

Why do you call it a grudge?

If somebody demonstrates to me that they are not interested in my friendship then I respect that and move on. They don't want to be friends, thats their choice.

Its not a grudge, it is a natural response. I doubt many people are crying into their pillows because the OP rejected their invitations.

pgj2015

I wanted to go to Ibiza for about 10 years, would any of my so called friends come? would they fcuk but Im supposed to make a huge effort because they are getting married?

pgj2015

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120538814#Comment_120538814

Do you think if a friend rejects a wedding invite, that means the invited person is rejecting the friendship? 🤔🤨

Mister Vain

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120538822#Comment_120538822

Ahh I can understand why they wouldn't go. 10 years is a long time to be in Ibiza. 😁

pgj2015

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120538882#Comment_120538882

😂 if they were real friends they would make the effort.

Former Former Former

The OP is displaying classic signs of autism tbh.

The inability to empathise with something that is very important to others, deep anxiety about social occasions, reluctance to break out of normal routine...

Your first reaction would normally be "this lad is no craic" but maybe he/ she needs a bit more understanding.

Weddings can be emotional minefields. For those who aren't the ones getting married then of course it will have less or no importance to them. For the couple it can mean the world and be one of the most important days of their lives.

The trick here is to understand that you can not like weddings and not want to attend while at the same time knowing that there are times in your life when you do things for people who you care about. Why? Because it matters to them. You matter to them.

My eyes were opened on the run up to my wedding. A close family member decided not to attend a few weeks beforehand. I don't know the reason. I didn't have my mam with me so that person would have known what their presence meant.

We didn't fall out over it but I won't forget it. Something you often hear is that you know who your friends are during the tough times well that is also the case for the good times.

Schwiiing

Less than 10% of any weddings attendees could give a **** about whos getting married. To the other 90% the invite was only a bill for 100s of euro they could have done without. Weddings themselves are utterly comical imo. Up to 20k to promise to not ride anyone else for the rest of your life in front of an elderly virgin in a dress who spent his life talking to his imaginary friend then go to a cookie cutter reception with a carvery dinner and a lad who got a couple of hundred euro to play a few CDs. Bizarre stuff.

Jim2007

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120538813#Comment_120538813

That does not make any sense, a friend is someone who is in your life, who shares your ups and downs and you share in their lives to the same extend - not just marriage but everything else. Why would expect them want to put any time into a relationship defined purely on your terms? If you don't want to commit to a friendship, then at least respect them enough to no let them waste their time on you and just be acquaintances instead. It really is not all about you and what you want.

Jim2007

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120537442#Comment_120537442

To be brutal, you don't seem to know much about people and what friendship is all about!

Nobody is going to respect you for refusing to be there on one of the big occasions in their live. If they did not want a circus they would not be organising one and if they did not want you there they would not be inviting you. Now you can make up what ever excuses makes you comfortable, but it would change the message you are sending nor how those people with treat you going forward.

Mister Vain

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120539154#Comment_120539154

You make it sound like he wants every aspect of the friendship on his terms. Its one event ffs.

saabsaab

Too many invited leads to this. Really only invite close family and one or two v close friends. Anymore is a waste and isn't even remembered by some attending.

dxhound2005

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120538196#Comment_120538196

They don't. There would be tens of thousands not talking to each other if they did. You think your life is more important than it actually is. People don't care what you do.