Am I being irrational??

Duwek

I genuinely don't know if they are generous to others or not. I wouldn't have this conversation with any of our family or friends as it really does sound awfully petty. Its easier to bash it out when you're anonymous!

I have a feeling they do what they have to do and wouldn't go beyond that. They wouldn't ever bring anything to the house when they call for a visit like a bottle of wine or sweets for the kids whereas I would never call to a house empty handed. Thats just me though. It hasn't ever bothered me that they don't bring anything but this lack of gesture for my daughters Communion has bothered me. I wish it didn't but it does.

I'm just wondering how they would feel nextvyear if none of our family gave their girl a card for her Communion. I know they would be upset for her.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119142072#Comment_119142072

You could just avoid the whole money topic and set up a collective therapy fund, so everyone who got traumatised by this situation can prevail?

standardg60

It's up to you OP, most people don't like confrontation but it will nag you if you don't have a quiet word with your brother and express your feelings. At the very least it would force him to say something like he only believes in giving something to his godchild, and then at least you will know where you stand.

Otherwise just chalk him down as mean, i imagine your other siblings have maybe copped this already. Hope it hasn't affected your daughter, if she's never received a birthday card from him i imagine it hasn't?

Princess Calla

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119142019#Comment_119142019

I wouldn't mention it to him at all. It will bring you into a world of awkwardness.

Are your parents alive? You could maybe work it into conversation with them or a sibling who has had a communion child.

Something along the lines of " I was putting Sarah's communion cards on display, she got a great collection people are so generous. Easy knowing Julie was sick no card from their gang, Brian is totally hopeless at life admin" say it in a joking manner.

Your answer might be a laugh with "Brian! Sure he still has his communion money, none of mine got anything either"

Or

" Yeah Julie looks after all that, otherwise no one would get anything, he's a total lost cause"

Or

"That's strange, Brian has always been generous to mine they all get cards for birthdays etc, he must have forgotten it, no doubt you'll get it the next time you see him, god love him he must have been mortified when he realized"

Or something like that, just keep the tone light.

YellowLead

OP I’m not sure why the lack of communion card/money bothers you when years of your daughter never getting birthday cards/presents didn’t. Surely the precedent had already been set?

If none of this bothers your daughter then I don’t get the big deal. I know at that age my son would not have noticed who did/didn’t give money at his communion.

sporina

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119142072#Comment_119142072

so going by all that perhaps you should really not be surprised that they did not give your daughter a card for her communion.. ?

they sound v stingy... like you, I never go into a house with one arm as long as the other (as my Mum would say).. I always bring something.. even if its just a pack of bickies..

Q was your daughter upset by the fact that she did not get a card from them?

you could say it to him, or not.. up to you.. but if I wer you, I would.. (not in a confrontational way...).. just be honest... "listen kinda disappointed you didn't give my daughter a card.. just saying.."..

but please don't let it prevent you from giving their child a card for their communion etc.. that would not be cool..

Ladybird25

Firstly I completely get you, I would definitely be bothered. That being said, I would do nothing about it.

Money, as little as it could be, it only brings problems. You're close to him and his family and I am sure you don't want that to change. Next year when it's the communion on their side give or gift as you would anyway and don't go making comments unless they bring it up themselves.

It may has been an oversight or giving gifts does not come natural to them, it happens. Don't let it be an issue on your side, nobody is getting richer or poorer for that card and family comes first.

Pissy Missy

You have every right to feel hurt by this. You put in the effort and thoughtfulness to your family and when it's not returned it can be hurtful. Of course, they may have forgotten with the sister in law being sick etc. I think don't say it to them because it's probably not worth falling out over but you can return the gesture next time round for good measure unless you're feeling particularly generous.

sporina

I wonder, are some people not into "giving/gifting" or it is just being tight?

Brucie Bonus

Either forgot about it or was out to stick it to you, which is most likely?

I'd say mistake and let it go. I find the whole tradition awkward.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119142072#Comment_119142072

OP I do not really have an opinion on your feelings here either way and most other posters have given you loads so I doubt it is useful for me to add mine anyway.

But I will give you something else which is a description of my situation. I have the exact opposite situation from you with two of my siblings and a couple of other close relatives. You said in the OP that this brother did not make the "effort". Yet he showed up with two kids while his wife was at home sick. You also mention in this post how they come around for dinner - though without a wine bottle in hand or whatever.

The siblings and relatives I mention never make any effort to show up - communicate or call. Though we do for them. On certain events they might send a card with money in it to my kids - or send over a bottle of wine. But they never make any effort to actually show up - get to know the kids - or go to the effort of getting their kids to mix with ours. Which is a shame as the kids really appear to like each other a lot and always seem to wonder why they can't see each other more.

So while I can not comment on your feelings or reactions to not getting a card for communion - I can comment on my feelings. And my feeling is that I would much rather your situation with your sibling/inlaws than the situation I have with mine. I have a good number of friends and get on with most of my family. But it is clear this small number do not want to know me or make any effort. And I suffer for that. My kids suffer for that. Their kids suffer for that. If they showed up without a single card in their hand or a single bottle of wine - I would be more thankful than you can imagine and the lack of monetary gesture would not occur to me at all.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119141745#Comment_119141745

I know your's was a rhetorical question here and probably was not intended to actually be answered. But all the same - while I notice that kids of course do love getting a gift or even money on a day like a Birthday or Christmas and so on - it is generally not where their buzz or joy or good memories or excitement comes from. And generally if I ask my kids - or the kids of others close to me - what they remember about some previous birthday or Christmas it is literally never a list of the presents or cash they got that they answer me with.

Rather what really brings them happiness, joy and actual memories is your time. Or being made center of attention. I have seen kids get a stack of expensive presents and cash and all sorts - but what they end up doing is taking the cheapest little board game from the pile of presents and looking for their parents, aunts, uncles and so forth to play it with them.

And if I set up some exciting or unique game or activity or event at a birthday or Christmas or other such occasion and then ask them a year or more later what they remember most about that Birthday or special day - they do not list their gifts or the cash they got or what kind of cake they had - but the exciting interaction or event or game that had everyone investing their time with that child. It's who was there and what they all ended up doing together.

I as an adult too barely remember any gift I ever got on any birthday or Christmas or occasion. But I very clearly remember who was there and when. Who showed up. What pulling Christmas crackers with them was like. What running around the garden with them playing games was like. One gift I do remember was a (now dead) Uncle who bought me a Casio Keyboard. I remember it not because of the gift though. But because he stayed for the full 2 weeks of christmas and every single day without fail he spent 1 hour in the morning and 1 hour in the evening teaching me to play it. To this day my fondest Christmas memory.

Sure kids will enjoy a new toy or gadget or a bit of cash. What kid wouldn't. But what actually seems to make kids happy more than anything is the gift of your time, presence, and attention. And conversely I do see the sadness and disappointment in some kids at events like Christmas when they try to get that time with their parents or relatives and they are sent away to "play with all those toys we got you and stop bothering us".

My own kids barely get any gifts at Christmas and we never did the "Santa" thing. What they do get is our time almost entirely and completely focused on them for days. Games. Activities. Traditions. Decorations. Projects. Jigsaws. Design. Walks. Performances. Dressing up and make up. Singing. Dancing. Baking. Cooking. Togetherness. And I doubt they could be or look happier. And I doubt I could either.

dontmindme

OP you're after more or less implying that your brother doesn't give cards for First Communion or for birthdays or whatever. Your other daughter only gets birthday cards as she's your sister-in-law's Godchild. Surely this is the reason no card was given in this instance. As you said yourself, your daughter thinks nothing of it and wasn't expecting anything at all and she must be already aware that she never gets a birthday card from them.

chooseusername

"My daughter made her First Holy Communion last week."

"First Holy Communion" A Christian ceremony, like Baptisms, Confirmations and Weddings,

has become a vulgar money and gift dominated party.

OP, is this the same brother who had a buffet for his wedding.

How much did you put in that card, and did you feel short changed when you discovered it was only a buffet?

Duwek

Lol!

No, a different brother! Don't worry, I looked after them well for their wedding