Are these red flags in a prospective new housemate?

Maewyn Succat

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118460147#Comment_118460147

Exactly. The person is trying to send a message to a phone which is effectively off because it's in airplane mode. The network thinks the message failed to send so tries again after a period of time. The time the message is sent will not reflect the time the original message was sent at. The person sending the message will have no idea that the message is being sent multiple times.

OP if the text in the messages is the same in each message then I would think that this is what is happening rather than thinking the girl is bombarding you with messages.

AyeGer

It’s a difficult one, you never really know who you are getting if you don’t know them and even if you know someone living with them can be an eye opener. She could be genuine and really desperate to get out of her current situation. On the other hand gut instinct is something that can be important to pay heed to as well.

timetogo1

I used to send messages at all times as they occurred to me. I don't care when people read them. I treated it like sending an email.

On my phone I have do not disturb set so if I receive messages between 10pm and 7am the phone doesn't beep or vibrate.

I wrongly assumed this was common practice and it was only when one of my recipients told me they didn't appreciate a 6am wakeup text that I stopped. It was entirely my fault. I was just stupid. She might be similar.

I wouldn't want to set my phone to airplane mode as I'd want to receive a call if it was an emergency. WhatsApp (and other messages) are never an emergency so they just stay silent.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118459882#Comment_118459882

Obsessed?? That's a bit of a mad reach. I work night shifts. I was awake all night.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118460360#Comment_118460360

Hmm, yeah, my gut feeling is telling me something is off. She was very open when I met her at the viewing, she told me her grandmother had died not too long ago and her dad has been unwell. I'm quite an open and friendly person so I just empathised with her situation. But now I'm wondering if she might be a bit neurotic/unboundaried.

The latest issue is that when I told her how much the electricity bill is she assumed it was how much we'd be paying each, but I meant between us both, and she immediatelt got very defensive and said "never in my life have I heard a bill that high in a 2 bed apartment??" instead of just clarifying it with me.

I don't know. It's all seeming a bit overbearing to me. I'm just conscious of paying attention to red flags as I have overlooked them in the past. But then the thing is I really liked her and we clicked when we met. So maybe she's ok, or maybe I'm just mad myself. 😆

Anyway! I digress. Thanks for the advice.

Raichu

I’d have to say for myself a couple texts is whatever. The airplane mode thing could’ve been forgotten. Like most everyone I’d speak to regularly is well aware after 8-9pm my phone goes on do not disturb and that’s it I’m not answering you til the morning, doesn’t mean I don’t get the occasional “hello?”

look if she was texting and ringing off the hook it’d be one thing. Let her be she’s doing no harm. Maybe she does have anxiety and is a bit skittish to get out of where she’s @ currently so what?

edit: just to add also, you said you’ve met her as well and found no issues. So there you go then!

Sonic the Shaghog

Have you an iphone and does she, have ye used iMessage?

Can't remember but I'm fairly sure if she messages you and it sends as an iMessage, if it doesn't deliver within a time frame (which it won't as you have the connection off) it will then also send as a standard text message so when you turn off AM it will come in twice

Sonic the Shaghog

Not really sure how the electric bill is an "issue" tbh. She thought it was each and you meant between you. Simple miscommunication. Sounds more like she didn't act in the exact way you wanted and now that's also a red flag.

I was kinda 50/50 between giving her the benefit of the doubt and also seeing your side. But you are starting to come across a bit intense yourself

Big Bag of Chips

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118465790#Comment_118465790

I think the poster was highlighting the irony of you posting at 5:30am complaining about her sending a text at 4am.

There have been many explanations offered as to why she may have sent multiple texts or why the texts may have sent multiple times.

Can I ask what advice you are looking for from the thread now? I'm not really sure what advice can be offered. You've already offered her the room. Are you going to rescind the offer?

comput1

Red flag. New housemate should be pleasant to live with. You’ve already had an experience and she’s not even moved in. Easier to get rid now than when she’s moved in and can’t find somewhere else.

but I totally agree you should let her know you changed your mind ASAP

B.A._Baracus

Op, you owe her nothing. If you think this is a red flag then say the room went to someone else. Does not matter if you are right or wrong about her. If you are getting feelers then act on them.

Jequ0n

Tbh OP, personally I’d already be weary of someone who describes their current house share as terrible and who is badmouthing their flatmates. It might well be true, but it’s not really something you need to relay to your new potential landlord/ house sharer.

juno10353

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118459275#Comment_118459275

If you offered her the room why have you not replied to let her know when she can move in. She should not have had to keep messaging. Let her know.

coolbeans

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118465823#Comment_118465823

That reaction is unnecessary drama about the bill which would have me worried about her willingness to pay when it comes due. I'd find someone else tbh. She seems a right pita.

micah537

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118476833#Comment_118476833

Oh yes. I had a housemate like that once. We felt sorry for her but she only lasted 3 weeks in our house. Instantly changed her attitude after moving in, hogged the kitchen and constantly had issues with everything and was bad mouthing one of our housemates by day 4.

As you say it might be true, it also could mean they don't want you to contact them for a reference as you will learn more about her behaviour.

In the past when I used to share, anyone that said there current living situation was bad, was just ignored. There's plenty of normal people out there looking for a home. You already are uneasy so take back your offer.

road_high

Definitely red flag for me. Sounds very neurotic and a little unhinged. I’d say there’s another side to the story she’s telling you. And that’s before this already OTT behaviour. One text would have more than sufficed from her

road_high

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118460116#Comment_118460116

Well she’s going about it wrong way then. If this were she’d be blocked ages ago

road_high

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118465823#Comment_118465823

That’s a huge red flag- bigger than the texts for me. It points to difficulties or hassle collecting bills which could potentially fall back on you. And she hasn’t even moved in yet. Crazy

spakman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118480089#Comment_118480089

It was a misunderstanding - she thought the bill was per person, rather than total.

You can say she should have asked for clarification, or you can say the OP should have been clearer to begin with. Either way, not a big deal I'd have thought.

AyeGer

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118465790#Comment_118465790

Any update OP, I don’t suppose you would be able to talk to one of her current housemates. A reference or something.

As someone mentioned above there is often another side to each story. Or as the saying goes 3 sides to every story. Your side, my side and then the truth.

kravmaga

@OP Sparklinglens,

Has your potential new tenant/ house share mate provided you with references/ is she on HAP, is she working?

As other posters here have already said, 4am texting is just anti social and not on.

Business hours 9 to 5pm is acceptable but at night time, thats crazy.

road_high

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118480139#Comment_118480139

Ah ok I misread that one

[Deleted User]

Hi all, OP here. So I decided to give this girl a chance and offered her the room (we'll call her Niamh). She was delighted and all seemed well. She is quite friendly and bubbly and I figured she'd be a good fit.

So Niamh arrived last night. She brought a friend with her to help her move her stuff, and asked would it be ok for her friend to stay over as it's a bit of a drive for her to get home. I said sure, no problem. When I asked how they know each other her friend replied "We've actually only been friends for two weeks." Straight away I heard alarm bells. She then said "We met through work but we're inseparable now, everyone thinks we're two psychos." Niamh seemed uneasy and laughed and said "No they don't."

So her friend (who in my opinion is a stranger, because how can you actually know someone after two weeks?) stayed over. In the meantime, Niamh added me on Instagram. I had a look at her posts and saw she'd put up a huge rant about people bad mouthing her decision to move to a new city (she left her home town a few months back). The post was almost vitriolic, calling people losers with no livss who will never leave their home town, etc...

Then this morning she text me to say she'd had a terrible night as her previous flatmate is harrassing her and emailing her from different accounts, so she had to call the police.

Honestly, I'm extremely worried and anxious about all of this. The red flags are glaringly obvious, and it hasn't even been 24 hours. Thankfully it's my name on the tenancy and she is subletting, so I can legally ask her to leave. but I don't know what to do, I can hardly ask her to leave after a day of being here. Any thoughts on what I should do? I feel sick, should've listened to my gut in the first place.

messrs

Its a hard one to call - you said you guys really clicked so maybe she feels close to you and feels comfortable telling you all this stuff. Did you get any references from previous landlord/tenants? Did you set an agreement for a trial period with her - as in we give it 2 months and see how its going for both of us and then we can decide to make it more permanent ( Is something like this allowed?) Did she say why her previous flatmates are harrassing her? Are they chasing her for unpaid bills?

Jequ0n

Tbf her claiming that her previous flatmates caused her anxiety was a massive red flag so non of the follow on behaviour is surprising.

You decided to ignore your gut feeling and gave her the room, so unless she steps completely out of line you probably have to wait and see how it pans out.

You really want to keep her at arm’s length and not let her get too close. Anyone this intense and emotional is exhausting.

YellowLead

I think it’s no harm in future getting a friend to sit in on these interviews when interviewing prospective housemates, a second opinion so to speak as there were red flags which you were worried about initially but decided to ignore, a second opinion might help reinforce your gut in future.

also - did you not check references from her previous tenancies? If not, please do so in future.

Id say she’ll be a difficult one to untangle from, get rid of so best of luck!

rolling boh

Could you sit down with her and air your concerns and agree on boundaries . Her behaviour is indeed concerning so you will have to explain how this cannot continue sincerely hope for your sake she understands her behaviour has to change .If her reaction is negative to you the only choice is a new housemate .Good luck looks like you'll need it .

spakman

So she arrived with a friend, and you decided they're not fiends long enough to be "real friends"?

Then you went stalking her on social media and found where she had a rant - lots of people do that sadly.

Then she confided in you that she's being harassed and had to get the guards involved.

And for that, you want to kick her out?

Big Bag of Chips

I agree with spakman. She still hasn't actually done anything with regards to you or her tenancy. I think you are getting way ahead of yourself. You seem quite intense yourself. Catastrophising situations and jumping straight to worst case scenario. But not even knowing what it is you're worrying about.

What has this woman actually done so far that makes her a bad housemate? Nothing that I can see. Just sit back, relax and wait a while. You've already let her move in so you now just have to see how it goes. If it doesn't work out then you deal with that.

But at least give her a chance. If you look for problems you're more likely to find them. If you don't actively look for them you might find that they never find you.

Raichu

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118531500#Comment_118531500

100%

like she had a rant on Instagram? She’s a young one, course she did. So she’s friends with someone two weeks, again, who cares?

honestly OP you’re more of a pill than she is.