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Are these red flags in a prospective new housemate?

  • 11-01-2022 7:56pm
    Posts: 0

    My previous housemate has moved out and I held viewings to find a new person to move in. I found a lovely girl and offered her the room. She came across as very eager in her response to the ad which I felt was slightly OTT (eg. "this place looks PERFECT for me, I really hope it's not gone!!") but I gave her a chance and really liked her.

    She told me her current houseshare is really terrible, current housemate is rude, no boundaries, etc etc. So she's very keen to get out.

    When I go to bed, I put my phone on airplane mode. She txt me the same message twice before, and then again and said "My messages don't seem to be delivering." I explained to her when I woke up that I had received them, but that I sometimes put my phone on airplane mode if I'm sleeping or busy.

    This morning I woke up to FOUR of the same message. At 4am, 9am, 9:30am and 10:30am. I was freaked out and didn't reply. Then this evening I put my phone on airplane mode, just because I wanted a break from it, and when I turned it off airplane mode she had messaged me another message twice, and then had messaged me again on Whatsapp to say there must be a problem because her messages aren't delivering.

    I am kind of freaked out to be honest, but I'm also trying to give her the benefit of the doubt that she's eager to get out of a bad house share and maybe that's driving her anxiety. She seemed very nice when I met her but the constant messaging has me unnerved.

    Would you take these as red flags?

    Post edited by Big Bag of Chips on



  • Registered Users Posts: 1,106 ✭✭✭turbot

    I'm not sure you can judge this as a red flag per se - because you just can't tell how driven this person is to get to a more chilled space. I think you ought to note these as possibly amber flags - and reserve judgement. This may suggest a lack of resilience - which may make for someone who is lovely - and/or someone who expects external conditions to be what they hope for vs rolling with what is. You can only infer so much though.

  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]

    I can understand that, but because I'd explained that I put my phone in airplane mode at times it feels a little much.

  • Registered Users Posts: 5,998 ✭✭✭handlemaster

    I bit much. Would good with you hunch and move on to another person. Shouldn't be a problem with current demand

  • Registered Users Posts: 631 ✭✭✭LilacNails

    Red flag for me.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 938 ✭✭✭gauchesnell

    red flag. What are the messages about anyway and why would your housemate have your number.

    Are they important messages

  • Registered Users Posts: 4,023 ✭✭✭standardg60

    You said you really liked her when you met OP, she could just be really anxious about securing the room given the current climate.

    However, if there's something in her behaviour now which is twigging something about her when you met that you didn't notice at the time, ie that she was full on now that you think about it, then rely on your gut.

    She may have been asked to leave the last place for all you know.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 36,160 ✭✭✭✭ED E

    Is this person <22? Very much something I'd attribute with the snapchat generation.

  • Registered Users Posts: 7,304 ✭✭✭YellowLead

    I’d see it as a red flag definitely- way too demanding!

    I wouldn’t message anyone in the middle of the night unless an emergency (or very close to me).

    What other boundaries wouldn’t she understand is what I’d be thinking? I think it’s important to add ‘normal’ to the criteria when looking for a housemate, not just ‘nice’.

    Also make sure you check references from previous tenancies and ask for proof of employment from employer if the person says they are employed

  • Registered Users Posts: 4,457 ✭✭✭Xander10

    what is she texting to you at 4 am ?

    Might be relevant to the question.

  • Registered Users Posts: 5,904 ✭✭✭Jequ0n

    But the OP did reply to her and told her about the nighttime airplane mode habit, but she kept doing it non the less.

  • Registered Users Posts: 376 ✭✭Leilak

    i think the messages back up if they arent delivered so she may have sent them earlier in the evening. She might be ok but she does sound like shes looking for a best friend as well as a housemate so you really need to set boundaries before she starts crying on your shoulder or inviting you out to nightclubs and shopping trips

  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]

    She text to tell me she was really happy that I'd offered her the room, and that it's handy because it's so close to her job. Multiple times...

  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]

    Yeah I found it very demanding and also very inappropriate to message someone at that hour of the night. I usually try to give people the benefit of the doubt but this just feels off to me.

  • Registered Users Posts: 4 Maya the Bee

    Red flag for sure! She seems overly anxious and not an easy housemate to have.

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  • Administrators Posts: 13,414 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips

    I missed that you had already offered her the room. I think it would be unfair now to take that away from her. But you can lay out very clearly your boundaries. I'm sure when she's living with you she obviously won't be texting because she can just talk to you.

    She might just be a bit inexperienced, a bit enthusiastic. Sharing is always going to be a funny one. There are all kinds of people in the world and realistically you are unlikely to find someone who ticks every box and you gel completely with.

    There will be aspects of this girl's personality that bother you. Same way as there will be things about you that annoy her. Best you can do is make the most of it. I think once she moves in things will settle into a routine.

  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]

    Maybe they woke and spent a few minutes looking at their phone before getting up?

  • Registered Users Posts: 10,882 ✭✭✭✭Spook_ie

    I have a phone on a 3 sim, sometimes when the mrs. Gets in from wherever shell tell me she rang a few times and sent texts, nothing on the phone. And then i get woken at 3.00am by messages arriving 12 hours later.

    Needless to say its a red flag that i need a new phone or service provider rather than a wife!

    TLDR Sometimes it is just paranoia

  • Registered Users Posts: 18,689 ✭✭✭✭Donald Trump

    If you've had it a few years, you're probably due an upgrade by this though?

    And after that, you can sort out the phone or service provider 😉

    OP I wouldn't see it as a red flag given that you hadn't received the texts and the person knew they weren't sending. Back in the day I remember using webtext to send grouptexts and the website kept telling me "Error sending message" with the result that I sent the exact same message to people about 10 or 15 times.

  • Registered Users Posts: 21,968 ✭✭✭✭Akrasia

    Yeah, i've got poor reception in my house, when a message finally gets delivered the 'message sent' time bears no relation to when the message was actually sent to me, just whatever time it bounced off one of the telecoms services and got re-processed to my phone.

    Think of it like sending an email. If I try to send an email to someone, and it says message not sent I'll send it again because I think that something went wrong on my end. If the message delivers, I'm happy to wait for the other person to respond.

  • Registered Users Posts: 4,276 ✭✭✭whomitconcerns

    I got like 10 messages 3 days after people had sent them... More than once. But if you have addressed it with her and she's still sending.... That's worrying

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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,529 ✭✭✭BlackEdelweiss

    Maybe she missed the bit where you told her about the airplane mode. Sometimes when you glance at a message you miss things, especially if it is just after waking up or something.

    I would be a bit like that if I was very keen to get something, I would be waiting by the phone, checking to see why my messages were not getting delivered and getting a bit anxious if it is something I really wanted. I would see myself as a decent enough person, easy to get along with and not totally mental to live with. Just a little quirk about certain things.

    There could be any number of reasons she keeps texting, as some have said it could be the phone providers problem delivering messages long after they were sent. Could be anything but you are looking straight to the worst case scenario that she is a total bunny boiler housemate.

    Only you have the knowledge of what she was like in person. All we know is that messages come at strange / inappropriate times. You trusted your gut to offer her the place, maybe that is the instinct to follow.

    If it only going to be the two of you there, use this time to draw up a few house rules to set some boundaries straight away.

This discussion has been closed.