Are these red flags in a prospective new housemate?

My previous housemate has moved out and I held viewings to find a new person to move in. I found a lovely girl and offered her the room. She came across as very eager in her response to the ad which I felt was slightly OTT (eg. "this place looks PERFECT for me, I really hope it's not gone!!") but I gave her a chance and really liked her.

She told me her current houseshare is really terrible, current housemate is rude, no boundaries, etc etc. So she's very keen to get out.

When I go to bed, I put my phone on airplane mode. She txt me the same message twice before, and then again and said "My messages don't seem to be delivering." I explained to her when I woke up that I had received them, but that I sometimes put my phone on airplane mode if I'm sleeping or busy.

This morning I woke up to FOUR of the same message. At 4am, 9am, 9:30am and 10:30am. I was freaked out and didn't reply. Then this evening I put my phone on airplane mode, just because I wanted a break from it, and when I turned it off airplane mode she had messaged me another message twice, and then had messaged me again on Whatsapp to say there must be a problem because her messages aren't delivering.

I am kind of freaked out to be honest, but I'm also trying to give her the benefit of the doubt that she's eager to get out of a bad house share and maybe that's driving her anxiety. She seemed very nice when I met her but the constant messaging has me unnerved.

Would you take these as red flags?

spakman

No, she's trying to get in contact and can't because your phone is airplane mode, so she keeps trying.

If her messages were being delivered and she still kept sending messages, then it might be a bit odd.

turbot

I'm not sure you can judge this as a red flag per se - because you just can't tell how driven this person is to get to a more chilled space. I think you ought to note these as possibly amber flags - and reserve judgement. This may suggest a lack of resilience - which may make for someone who is lovely - and/or someone who expects external conditions to be what they hope for vs rolling with what is. You can only infer so much though.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118457686#Comment_118457686

I can understand that, but because I'd explained that I put my phone in airplane mode at times it feels a little much.

handlemaster

I bit much. Would good with you hunch and move on to another person. Shouldn't be a problem with current demand

LilacNails

Red flag for me.

Caranica

The 4am one would be a red flag to me. Had a housemate who was practically nocturnal and that was difficult to live with in terms of noise.

I'd look for an alternative housemate.

gauchesnell

red flag. What are the messages about anyway and why would your housemate have your number.

Are they important messages

starbaby2003

I can’t believe so many people are saying this is ok. It is absolutely a red flag. She sounds neurotic. These are not life and death messages, send one; follow up the following day. I’d be having words with friends if they were messaging me at 4AM. If it was a stranger, they’d be blocked.

Jequ0n

Given your threads on your previous housemate I’d recommend you heed any red flag suspicion and pick someone else.

In your best interest OP, learn to say no and put up boundaries, ideally before the situation becomes more complicated.

standardg60

You said you really liked her when you met OP, she could just be really anxious about securing the room given the current climate.

However, if there's something in her behaviour now which is twigging something about her when you met that you didn't notice at the time, ie that she was full on now that you think about it, then rely on your gut.

She may have been asked to leave the last place for all you know.

Red flag is the 4am message. And she talks about boundaries...

ED E

Is this person <22? Very much something I'd attribute with the snapchat generation.

Big Bag of Chips

The 4am message is a bit OTT, but by your own admission she messaged you, obviously eager to find a room, and you didn't reply to her. She's not to know you have your phone set to airplane mode. She sends a message, she can see it's not delivered so tries sending it again. Then apologises for bombarding you with messages because she didn't know what the issue was. That's pretty standard.

However, I do think you should reply and tell her that you have a few others interested in viewing the place and when you've made a decision you will contact her to let her know one way or another. She's looking for somewhere to stay. She just wants an answer from you. But you're not forthcoming. You have a funny feeling about it right from the off, so just find someone else. But tell her.

YellowLead

I’d see it as a red flag definitely- way too demanding!

I wouldn’t message anyone in the middle of the night unless an emergency (or very close to me).

What other boundaries wouldn’t she understand is what I’d be thinking? I think it’s important to add ‘normal’ to the criteria when looking for a housemate, not just ‘nice’.

Also make sure you check references from previous tenancies and ask for proof of employment from employer if the person says they are employed

Xander10

what is she texting to you at 4 am ?

Might be relevant to the question.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118457997#Comment_118457997

But the OP did reply to her and told her about the nighttime airplane mode habit, but she kept doing it non the less.

Leilak

i think the messages back up if they arent delivered so she may have sent them earlier in the evening. She might be ok but she does sound like shes looking for a best friend as well as a housemate so you really need to set boundaries before she starts crying on your shoulder or inviting you out to nightclubs and shopping trips

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118458097#Comment_118458097

She text to tell me she was really happy that I'd offered her the room, and that it's handy because it's so close to her job. Multiple times...

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118458077#Comment_118458077

Yeah I found it very demanding and also very inappropriate to message someone at that hour of the night. I usually try to give people the benefit of the doubt but this just feels off to me.

Maya the Bee

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058227342/are-these-red-flags-in-a-prospective-new-housemate

Red flag for sure! She seems overly anxious and not an easy housemate to have.

Big Bag of Chips

I missed that you had already offered her the room. I think it would be unfair now to take that away from her. But you can lay out very clearly your boundaries. I'm sure when she's living with you she obviously won't be texting because she can just talk to you.

She might just be a bit inexperienced, a bit enthusiastic. Sharing is always going to be a funny one. There are all kinds of people in the world and realistically you are unlikely to find someone who ticks every box and you gel completely with.

There will be aspects of this girl's personality that bother you. Same way as there will be things about you that annoy her. Best you can do is make the most of it. I think once she moves in things will settle into a routine.

spakman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118459276#Comment_118459276

OMG, what are you doing posting about this at 5:30am, you seem obsessed with this girl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118459882#Comment_118459882

Maybe they woke and spent a few minutes looking at their phone before getting up?

Spook_ie

I have a phone on a 3 sim, sometimes when the mrs. Gets in from wherever shell tell me she rang a few times and sent texts, nothing on the phone. And then i get woken at 3.00am by messages arriving 12 hours later.

Needless to say its a red flag that i need a new phone or service provider rather than a wife!

TLDR Sometimes it is just paranoia

Maewyn Succat

Have you thought that it may be a problem with either her phone or your phone being in airplane mode? When a message is sent and doesn't go through the network may make multiple attempts to send the message making it look like the message has been sent multiple times when it has only been sent once.

Here's an example of it

https://community.idmobile.co.uk/coverage-network-24/multiple-text-problem-31750

Donald Trump

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118459945#Comment_118459945

If you've had it a few years, you're probably due an upgrade by this though?

And after that, you can sort out the phone or service provider 😉

OP I wouldn't see it as a red flag given that you hadn't received the texts and the person knew they weren't sending. Back in the day I remember using webtext to send grouptexts and the website kept telling me "Error sending message" with the result that I sent the exact same message to people about 10 or 15 times.

ted1

The rental market is crazy at the moment. The poor girl is probably just freaking out looking for a place.

i’d side with her being anxious and just trying to get confirmation she has a place.

Akrasia

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118460048#Comment_118460048

Yeah, i've got poor reception in my house, when a message finally gets delivered the 'message sent' time bears no relation to when the message was actually sent to me, just whatever time it bounced off one of the telecoms services and got re-processed to my phone.

Think of it like sending an email. If I try to send an email to someone, and it says message not sent I'll send it again because I think that something went wrong on my end. If the message delivers, I'm happy to wait for the other person to respond.

whomitconcerns

I got like 10 messages 3 days after people had sent them... More than once. But if you have addressed it with her and she's still sending.... That's worrying

BlackEdelweiss

Maybe she missed the bit where you told her about the airplane mode. Sometimes when you glance at a message you miss things, especially if it is just after waking up or something.

I would be a bit like that if I was very keen to get something, I would be waiting by the phone, checking to see why my messages were not getting delivered and getting a bit anxious if it is something I really wanted. I would see myself as a decent enough person, easy to get along with and not totally mental to live with. Just a little quirk about certain things.

There could be any number of reasons she keeps texting, as some have said it could be the phone providers problem delivering messages long after they were sent. Could be anything but you are looking straight to the worst case scenario that she is a total bunny boiler housemate.

Only you have the knowledge of what she was like in person. All we know is that messages come at strange / inappropriate times. You trusted your gut to offer her the place, maybe that is the instinct to follow.

If it only going to be the two of you there, use this time to draw up a few house rules to set some boundaries straight away.

Maewyn Succat

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118460147#Comment_118460147

Exactly. The person is trying to send a message to a phone which is effectively off because it's in airplane mode. The network thinks the message failed to send so tries again after a period of time. The time the message is sent will not reflect the time the original message was sent at. The person sending the message will have no idea that the message is being sent multiple times.

OP if the text in the messages is the same in each message then I would think that this is what is happening rather than thinking the girl is bombarding you with messages.

AyeGer

It’s a difficult one, you never really know who you are getting if you don’t know them and even if you know someone living with them can be an eye opener. She could be genuine and really desperate to get out of her current situation. On the other hand gut instinct is something that can be important to pay heed to as well.

timetogo1

I used to send messages at all times as they occurred to me. I don't care when people read them. I treated it like sending an email.

On my phone I have do not disturb set so if I receive messages between 10pm and 7am the phone doesn't beep or vibrate.

I wrongly assumed this was common practice and it was only when one of my recipients told me they didn't appreciate a 6am wakeup text that I stopped. It was entirely my fault. I was just stupid. She might be similar.

I wouldn't want to set my phone to airplane mode as I'd want to receive a call if it was an emergency. WhatsApp (and other messages) are never an emergency so they just stay silent.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118459882#Comment_118459882

Obsessed?? That's a bit of a mad reach. I work night shifts. I was awake all night.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118460360#Comment_118460360

Hmm, yeah, my gut feeling is telling me something is off. She was very open when I met her at the viewing, she told me her grandmother had died not too long ago and her dad has been unwell. I'm quite an open and friendly person so I just empathised with her situation. But now I'm wondering if she might be a bit neurotic/unboundaried.

The latest issue is that when I told her how much the electricity bill is she assumed it was how much we'd be paying each, but I meant between us both, and she immediatelt got very defensive and said "never in my life have I heard a bill that high in a 2 bed apartment??" instead of just clarifying it with me.

I don't know. It's all seeming a bit overbearing to me. I'm just conscious of paying attention to red flags as I have overlooked them in the past. But then the thing is I really liked her and we clicked when we met. So maybe she's ok, or maybe I'm just mad myself. 😆

Anyway! I digress. Thanks for the advice.

I’d have to say for myself a couple texts is whatever. The airplane mode thing could’ve been forgotten. Like most everyone I’d speak to regularly is well aware after 8-9pm my phone goes on do not disturb and that’s it I’m not answering you til the morning, doesn’t mean I don’t get the occasional “hello?”

look if she was texting and ringing off the hook it’d be one thing. Let her be she’s doing no harm. Maybe she does have anxiety and is a bit skittish to get out of where she’s @ currently so what?

edit: just to add also, you said you’ve met her as well and found no issues. So there you go then!

Sonic the Shaghog

Have you an iphone and does she, have ye used iMessage?

Can't remember but I'm fairly sure if she messages you and it sends as an iMessage, if it doesn't deliver within a time frame (which it won't as you have the connection off) it will then also send as a standard text message so when you turn off AM it will come in twice

Sonic the Shaghog

Not really sure how the electric bill is an "issue" tbh. She thought it was each and you meant between you. Simple miscommunication. Sounds more like she didn't act in the exact way you wanted and now that's also a red flag.

I was kinda 50/50 between giving her the benefit of the doubt and also seeing your side. But you are starting to come across a bit intense yourself

Big Bag of Chips

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118465790#Comment_118465790

I think the poster was highlighting the irony of you posting at 5:30am complaining about her sending a text at 4am.

There have been many explanations offered as to why she may have sent multiple texts or why the texts may have sent multiple times.

Can I ask what advice you are looking for from the thread now? I'm not really sure what advice can be offered. You've already offered her the room. Are you going to rescind the offer?

comput1

Red flag. New housemate should be pleasant to live with. You’ve already had an experience and she’s not even moved in. Easier to get rid now than when she’s moved in and can’t find somewhere else.

but I totally agree you should let her know you changed your mind ASAP

B.A._Baracus

Op, you owe her nothing. If you think this is a red flag then say the room went to someone else. Does not matter if you are right or wrong about her. If you are getting feelers then act on them.

Jequ0n

Tbh OP, personally I’d already be weary of someone who describes their current house share as terrible and who is badmouthing their flatmates. It might well be true, but it’s not really something you need to relay to your new potential landlord/ house sharer.

juno10353

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118459275#Comment_118459275

If you offered her the room why have you not replied to let her know when she can move in. She should not have had to keep messaging. Let her know.

coolbeans

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118465823#Comment_118465823

That reaction is unnecessary drama about the bill which would have me worried about her willingness to pay when it comes due. I'd find someone else tbh. She seems a right pita.

micah537

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118476833#Comment_118476833

Oh yes. I had a housemate like that once. We felt sorry for her but she only lasted 3 weeks in our house. Instantly changed her attitude after moving in, hogged the kitchen and constantly had issues with everything and was bad mouthing one of our housemates by day 4.

As you say it might be true, it also could mean they don't want you to contact them for a reference as you will learn more about her behaviour.

In the past when I used to share, anyone that said there current living situation was bad, was just ignored. There's plenty of normal people out there looking for a home. You already are uneasy so take back your offer.

road_high

Definitely red flag for me. Sounds very neurotic and a little unhinged. I’d say there’s another side to the story she’s telling you. And that’s before this already OTT behaviour. One text would have more than sufficed from her

road_high

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118460116#Comment_118460116

Well she’s going about it wrong way then. If this were she’d be blocked ages ago

road_high

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118465823#Comment_118465823

That’s a huge red flag- bigger than the texts for me. It points to difficulties or hassle collecting bills which could potentially fall back on you. And she hasn’t even moved in yet. Crazy

spakman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118480089#Comment_118480089

It was a misunderstanding - she thought the bill was per person, rather than total.

You can say she should have asked for clarification, or you can say the OP should have been clearer to begin with. Either way, not a big deal I'd have thought.

AyeGer

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118465790#Comment_118465790

Any update OP, I don’t suppose you would be able to talk to one of her current housemates. A reference or something.

As someone mentioned above there is often another side to each story. Or as the saying goes 3 sides to every story. Your side, my side and then the truth.