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rejected for my financial situation

KurtBarlow

I'm in my early 40's, I started dating a girl a while back through a mutual acquaintance . She's a bit younger than me being in her late 20s but I think age gaps matter less if the younger of the 2 is beyond the age of 25. I have been in my current role earning good money for the past 15 years . There had been a few red flags when she asked probing questions/statements regarding my finances . Statements /Questions like I bet you could retire now if you want to? Do you own that house your in etc ? The reality is I have been an idiot with money , enjoyed myself with nice holidays nights out clothes , ps4s throughout the years and next to no savings . Anyway I didn't want to let her believe I was loaded so I told her about my financial situation and I've been ghosted ever since . She doesn't answer my calls or respond to my texts. I realise that this relationship is doomed and I'm not trying to recover it, what I would like to know is if she was right to ditch me ? Or have I dodged a bullet?. I believe I am a good person in every other way. I am starting to put money away every month now that I have coped on as late as it may be I still have time to get my financial situation in order?

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newboard

OP, I can relate so I know how sh!t it can make you feel. My case was a bit different, in that we had a child together and she left things in limbo for a couple of years until I finally asked her to make a decision as to what she wants - her response was that I don't make enough money for her, and that was that. The fact that I was growing my business and gave her every penny I could, supporting her through college and putting myself in financial jeopardy for her and our child's benefit didn't seem to matter. I didn't meet her standards of material wealth, and that was more important than the relationship and providing a happy life for our child without the hardship of them living between two houses, something they still struggle with.

The thing is I have a very decent income now after a few years of hard work to get to my business to this point, and she is a qualified doctor. We could have had a very comfortable life together. But in retrospect I'm delighted she made the decision she did make, because it revealed how vacuous a person she is, and that there's no "through thick and thin" with someone like this. That living her best life takes precedence, and her decisions since have reinforced this at the expense of those around her. If I was making the money back then that I'm making now, I could have unwittingly gone down a long and miserable road and while everything on the surface may have seemed fine, there'd always be something missing.

So as others have said, you have indeed dodged a bullet because people like this are always measuring, always calculating and always weighing up their options and choices, you're just an expendable facet in the life they're determined to have for themselves with or without you.

lainey_d_123

https://boards.ie/discussion/comment/117627021#Comment_117627021

Why is someone of OP's age dating a woman 12 years younger? He's far less likely to have things in common with her compared to a woman his own age, so what's the attraction? It's youth, beauty and fertility, of course. That's what she provides that a woman 40+ is less likely to provide, especially the fertility aspect. Now, what does he have to offer her in return that a man her age can't? Absolutely nothing. And he's surprised that she's lost interest? He seems a bit deluded regarding his 'status' on the dating scene compared to hers. A 29-year-old woman is absolutely inundated with attention from men from about 25 all the way up to past 40. Why go for a 40+ year old over someone your own age unless they have something more to offer?

The talk of 'gold digger' is plain sexist. More likely she is well aware that an older partner comes with quite a few disadvantages and no real advantages. It's not being a gold digger to expect someone to bring to the table what you are bringing to the table in other ways. For example, if she wants to have children, she's going to be the one giving up her career to an extent, having to take maternity leave, having a lower earning potential. It is completely reasonable to expect a man who is 40+ and looking to have kids to be financially secure.

I think people are overreacting with the 'ghosting' thing. She's probably turned off by an older man looking to date younger women and maybe being what she sees as immature regarding finances and lifestyle, and has moved onto one of the other many options she likely has. That doesn't make her a gold digger.

bilbot79

I think it's fair enough on her part. I mean she is taking on an older guy and for her the bonus was to be strong finances

[Deleted User]

Some of the girls questions are a bit beyond the pale but they aren't unreasonable thoughts to have.

If she is thinking of starting a family and/or buying a house in the very near future the OPs personal financial situation would be relevant.

She could still have her communion money saved and want to retire at 40 and travel the world herself for all we know.

purpleshoe

Shame that relationship didn't work out. I presume both of you went on several dates together and that this didn't happen on the first date?

I view that that line of questioning is very inappropriate so soon in a relationship. Ghosting you was a childish act especially as she is 29. However, who honestly hasn't done some daft things without considering the feelings of others. I know I have. I wouldn't dwell on her.

What you should take from this is whether or not your financial situation is where it should be? I don't know how much it applies to you but a person who lacks financial common sense is a real turn off to most. Nobody wants to be weighed down or held back by a person who can't be arsed cutting their cloth to measure, and saving for their future. Especially if that person is in a position do so.

HerrKapitan

https://boards.ie/discussion/comment/117624531#Comment_117624531

In fairness so was she. And it he was lucky she was.

KurtBarlow

https://boards.ie/discussion/comment/117629969#Comment_117629969

This feels like a chastisement. 'The vast majority would prefer to date a man their own age'. LOL . I'm not trying to date the vast majority. A lot of people not only you Mark have used this thread as an opportunity to covertly show there distain for age gaps especially when the man is the older one . What would ye do if ye had the power , make it illegal ? Where would the cut off age be upper and lower ? And that bit about me being biologically less healthy because because I'm 12 years older as an excuse not to date younger women really is cringe worthy , come on man. We don't live in a perfect world , I have had 3 grand parents live to 90 but sure I could get knocked down crossing the road tomorrow . My uncle who is 75 now lost his wife 20 years ago to cancer , they had 3 children and she was 8 years younger than him. There are no guarantees in life

Frankie Machine

First of all, OP, well done on turning the financial corner. For your own sake, and irrespective of your age, your past, and any relationships real or imaginary. Better late than never.

And of course, your honesty to her about your situation. Always the right thing.

To answer your first question - if she was right to ditch me ? Only she can answer that in this case, so it's ultimately irrelevant and don't waste another moment thinking about it.

Did you dodge a bullet ? Almost certainly yes. If she were coming from a place of financial prudence, it's hard to believe that she could not have had a sensible approach to tackling that subject, instead of her clumsy inquisitiveness. If it feels like a red flag to you, then it likely is one. Being an idiot with money doesn't negate that instinct.

Equally, if she were capable of a sensible approach to the subject of finance, it's likely she would have a sensible approach to breaking the relationship. But she has shown her true colours.

If she were a mature person she wouldn't have acted the way she has, and you could entertain the idea of her 'security'. Better play safe, and assume 'meal ticket'.

I actually read your OP, so I ignore any deranged nonsense about you being a 'fertility digger', and think you should do the same.

You dodged a bullet.

GingerLily

Being financially responsible is quite attractive to some women, and when they themselves are also financially responsible it's not "gold digging", its just looking for a partner with similar values. By 41 she probably expected you to have your **** together by now.

I don't know if she was a gold digger and ghosting is immature alright but that's likely to happen to you when you date young women rather than women your own age.

MarkEadie

I'd be on her side too.

You're 41 and she's 29. Some 29 year old women will not have a problem with that but the vast majority would rather someone around their own age.

At 41 trying to date women in their 20s you will have a very difficult time of things. Statistically your are biologically less healthy than her and in 10 years you'll be in your early 50s and she will be 40. Statistically you will get sick more and pass away quicker than her. At 29 she probably needs to get a move on and is considering her future now after having her fun. You seem to have a lot of entitlement despite bringing very little to the table in this instance.

It might be too tough to look at yourself and admit you are just not that good of an option for her at this point in her life with all things considered but it looks like that's the case I'm afraid.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Folks, as per the Charter, please offer advice to the OP when replying to their thread. If you have no advice to offer the OP, please move on to another thread.

Thanks

DarkJager21

Dodged a bullet I would say, she sounds like the vacuous type who has dreams of everything being paid for her while she sits on her hole pretending to be an “influencer” on Snapchat or the likes. You are well rid.

seenitall

https://boards.ie/discussion/comment/117625207#Comment_117625207

The most telling post of the thread. Unfortunately, OP, you’re no Brad or Leo and thus will never have young supermodels hanging out of you just for the reward of your precious attention. Life sucks, I know. Adjust your expectations, sort out some savings, and remember what some other experienced female posters here have already told you; a young woman looking for an older man will usually have a reason to do so and that reason will often have to do either with father figure elements to a relationship or simply material security ones, even. The same kind of evolutionary reasons that get you horny looking at a 20 year old girl rather than a 50 year old woman. Fair’s fair, surely. I’m pushing 50 myself over here and have never been a materialistic woman, even to my bitter detriment at times, but then I don’t have daddy issues, and financial security is I think something that I missed having a chip implanted of, when they were doing that. I can think back to situations when I could have seized and worked my life and professional opportunities much better than I ever did, and it does seem much more important now than it ever did before. So I think any woman who is looking for an older man would be a fool not to look into that man’s situation and future a bit, life can be hard enough without having to spend one’s forties/fifties and beyond as the proverbial nurse with a purse.

angela1711

I am a women in a relationship with a men that’s 17 years older then me. We’ve been together for 10 years have a child at this stage. It has never ever crossed my mind to ask him about his financial situation when we first started to go out. It would ring a serious alarm bell with me if someone asked such a questions at the very beginning of any relationship never mind the age gap. And the fact she just doesn’t talk to you after you have honestly told her what the situation is just shows what kind of a person she is. If you don’t like somebody for one reasons or the other at least have the courage to say sorry it’s not really working out and move on then.

derb12

One sentence in the OPs post show that he dodged a bullet. The fact that she “ghosted” him rather than openly ending the relationship with a proper conversation and closure shows that she is immature and not a nice person.

However, OP take it as a wake- up call that you need to get your sh1t together. I think I would find lack of fiscal prudence a real turn off in a potential partner.

Hego Damask

https://boards.ie/discussion/comment/117626810#Comment_117626810

Jesus what a load of utter twaddle.

It's obvious she was a gold digger.

OP dodged a massive bullet.

end of!!

Hego Damask

Dodged a massive bullet there ....

Yurt2

https://boards.ie/discussion/comment/117626986#Comment_117626986

There is a possibility she has everything squared away at a young age, but her asking a prospective partner if 'he could retire now if he wanted', I would strongly bet it against it being the case.

osarusan

Maybe she's looking for somebody to spoil her rotten, in which case you dodged a bullet, or maybe she decided your attitude to spending and saving wasn't compatible with hers. As she just ghosted you maybe you'll never know.

Yurt2

https://boards.ie/discussion/comment/117626967#Comment_117626967

You're reaching the nub of the issue here when you use the word 'transactional'. I never used the word gold digger but transactional is precisely how I'd describe her approach.

Financial abuse is a real thing and a very serious thing. I've seen people financially and spiritually brought to their knees by partners who behave in such a way.

If someone is more concerned about the minutiae of personal financials early doors instead of getting to know you, I'd take that as a signal that something is off and trouble lies ahead.

We (both male and female) are humans, not walking resources.

I'd also submit that the replies in this thread would look a lot different if we did the old gender fliparoo and all other circumstances were the same otherwise. Run like hell would be the likely refrain (including me).

JeffKenna

https://boards.ie/discussion/comment/117626950#Comment_117626950

Very much a two tier society out there, I was surprised to learn on a previous thread that a graduate position in software development starts at €65k.

In my own profession anyone 7 years working out of college would be in a position to have a deposit yes. Naturally they'd have the mortgage against that so it wouldn't be a huge asset.

corcaigh1

https://boards.ie/discussion/2058199315/rejected-for-my-financial-situation

Sounds like a gowl, dodged a bullet pal. Next fish!

lainey_d_123

I absolutely love how people are criticising the woman for looking for a 'cushy arrangement' and not the man for dating someone 12 years younger instead of a woman his age. So he gets the youth, beauty, energy, potential possibility of kids, and what does she get?!

I never understand why men who date much younger don't get this. An attractive woman of 29 can find a man her own age with more energy and less baggage...what reason is there to go for someone much older if not for financial security? Not saying that's all he'd have to offer, but it's a major part of it, just like beauty and fertility are a major part of why a man of 41 is wanting to date someone in her twenties. It IS somewhat transactional. There's an understanding in these big age gap relationships that each party is bringing something the other doesn't have.

Why is she a 'gold digger' while he's not a 'fertility digger'?

Yurt2

https://boards.ie/discussion/comment/117626870#Comment_117626870

You know plenty of 29 year old singletons that are financially independent with their own property?

That would be unusual but I'm not a doubting Thomas or anything.

'Quite well off' is a moveable feast, but I'll be frank, 99 percent of 29 year olds I know are still very much 'work in progress' financially speaking.

Yurt2

https://boards.ie/discussion/comment/117626810#Comment_117626810

YellowLead

Regardless of whether or not you have next to no savings and at win your 40s with a good job OP - it’s super odd somebody asking if you could retire, and even if you own your house or not - so early on. It does depend a bit too on her own situation - is she a good saver with a deposit ready? Or is she unemployed and looking to be kept? Prob the former but we don’t know.

The ghosting behaviour because she didn’t like your financial situation is just rude. I deffo think you had a lucky escape.

Doesn’t mean that when you get deeper into other relationships that your financial stability won’t matter to others - particularly women closer to your age who likely might be in a better position themselves. But at least you have copped on a bit now and have started to save so keep that up. Not to attract women, but for your own future financial security.

JeffKenna

https://boards.ie/discussion/comment/117624984#Comment_117624984

Can't see anything that would indicate she wants someone else to look after her financial security. I know plenty of people at 29 who are financially independent and quite well off, could easily be the OP's wasteful use of money was a red flag for her.

SixtaWalthers

The best advice is 'Move On'. From the next time, it is also better to improve your financial situation. I am not going to say it is necessary but it matters a lot. Mainly, when you start a family.

[Deleted User]

https://boards.ie/discussion/comment/117626308#Comment_117626308

So we agree that there are a million different possibilities here, and that you're assuming the one scenario where you can most easily vilify the woman is the only one worth considering.

OP, they way you've written your first post reads like you're looking for some validation after being rejected, and so the post does read like you've asked "I can't prove she's a golddigger, but she's a golddigger, so I shouldn't be upset that she ghosted me, right?" So I know I'm going against the tide to suggest she's done nothing wrong. Clearly there are people here who are more than happy to give you the response you're looking for.

On a scale larger than this thread, and larger than boards.ie, I just think it's important to be objective when faced with these stereotypes, because while the thread might give you some comfort on a personal level, I think it's a dangerous attitude to reinforce. Maybe it's better to take the high road and let this go rather than stirring up anonymous backlash against this woman for hurting you.

TheadoreT

I dunno we don't know the full extent of conversations and only seeing the OP's side of things here.

If I met a woman in 40's and she was earning well but had no savings I'd definitely have similar concerns tbh. People don't change the habits of a lifetime very fast and if you don't have your **** sorted by then I can't imagine it would be an easy transition.

As someone who does analysis on these things lads can mention silly things like PS4's when documenting their spend and fail to mention the 250k they've donated to gambling companies over the years be it through delusion or denial.

If your salary gives you the means to buy and you continue renting at irish prices you're really going badly wrong somewhere by your 40's.