Husband stopped initiating

[Deleted User]

If you initiated it the times you had sex, the relationship has a chance through communication and compromise. If he initiated it all the time, you'd be best telling him he can use escorts or whatever, or just end it.

Wanderer78

Dog day wrote: »

Wanderer, you seem to be seeing callousness in some posts that to my mind simply isn’t there. In one of your other posts you’ve over simplified the issue in the extreme. I do however agree that the post regarding weight gain is a low blow & entirely unnecessary.

Compassionate advice sometimes involves telling hard truths. It is of no benefit to the OP to underplay the negative effects that years of rejection have likely had on her husband. Equally I’ve said it already that the OP needs to really analyse why she suddenly wants to now address this as have other measured posters who are taking time out to actively try to help the OP. Soft soaping this is actually not helping the OP at all.

oh bullsh1t, coming on the internets and upsetting people even further is not actually helping them, their self esteem is probably already on the ground, the last thing they need is strangers on the internets knocking them further, these situations a lot of the time require professional assistance, not us know it alls on the internets, the op is clearly very upset about this situation, as im sure their partner is to

Wanderer78

Dav010 wrote: »

The op asked for opinions though.

true, but the op is probably not in a great space emotionally, so we should be conscious of this, and sensitive to their needs, its very easy to self blame and in effect self harm in such situations, including emotionally self harming, and opening oneself to harsh comments on the internets could very well be a method of doing so, even subconsciously

Dav010

Wanderer78 wrote: »

true, but the op is probably not in a great space emotionally, so we should be conscious of this, and sensitive to their needs, its very easy to self blame and in effect self harm in such situations, including emotionally self harming, and opening oneself to harsh comments on the internets could very well be a method of doing so, even subconsciously

You seem to be making a lot of assumptions about the op. When you post on the inter web about personal problems, I don’t think you can expect all posts to be sympathetic to your viewpoint.

Just my view, I wouldn’t assume to know anything about the op or why she rejected her husband repeatedly for 10 years, but I do think there is a level of hypocrisy to be upset because he rejected her once.

Wanderer78

Dav010 wrote: »

You seem to be making a lot of assumptions about the op. When you post on the inter web about personal problems, I don’t think you can expect all posts to be sympathetic to your viewpoint.

i am of course, but one could assume, from such a long term relationship, and with such a long term problem, theres more than likely far more complex issues at play here, we simply dont know, we re all judging, all assuming, and we should not be. the potential for much more complex issues at a play are high in this situation, we simply dont know, but we all should be more sensitive in making comments, including myself

Augme

OP sounds like you two just aren't compatible anyway so maybe this is a great opportunity for both of you to go your separate ways amicably.

Wanderer78

Augme wrote: »

OP sounds like you two just aren't compatible anyway so maybe this is a great opportunity for both of you to go your separate ways amicably.

...or maybe try obtain professional guidance, to try save the relationship....

fits

Augme wrote: »

OP sounds like you two just aren't compatible anyway so maybe this is a great opportunity for both of you to go your separate ways amicably.

That’s a bit of an overreaction isn’t it? They’re married ten years. Together longer perhaps? Wouldn’t be throwing it away just yet.

[Deleted User]

OP until you can get to the bottom of why you weren't interested for as long as you were then there's not much anyone here can help you with.

As others have said, it's not that there's an obligation on you to perform whenever the person with the higher libido wishes, but in a relationship between two people the issue should have come up for honest discussion long before now and some fair level of consideration for his feelings really has to have been a higher priority for you.

You haven't given much detail about whether you dislike or dont enjoy sex, and not much about the relationship besides.

Based on those things there's every chance this can be worked out for you both starting from now but you really have to think about what you are offering and what you are going to do to prevent a reversion to your previous norms, and as others have said you really need to prepare for an outpouring from him that has the potential to really hit hard for both of you, its a long time to have put him at the bottom of your priorities so consistently and if you take the responses you've received as indicative you maybe now are seeing that.

The first response is the best, still. Start talking and tell him where you are at, once you know yourself. Good luck

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Folks, there has already been an on thread mod instruction to offer advice to the OP. This is the second and final one. Offer advice to the OP as per the Charter.

Any further breaches of the Charter or ignoring mod instruction will be carded going forward.

Thanks

HS

HGVRHKYY

Wanderer78 wrote: »

oh bullsh1t, coming on the internets and upsetting people even further is not actually helping them, their self esteem is probably already on the ground, the last thing they need is strangers on the internets knocking them further, these situations a lot of the time require professional assistance, not us know it alls on the internets, the op is clearly very upset about this situation, as im sure their partner is to

So cringey how you seem to constantly be using 'internets' seriously and not ironically, it's just internet

TheadoreT

It seems to me if you want to actually save this marriage and not just regain the power dynamic the solution is fairly simple.

Keep on initiating. It's probably all he wants, he may reject you a few more times but I'd highly doubt if you're persistent or persuasive about it his stance will last too long.
And then if things get back to normal try to maintain a more equal balance and not revert to a role where he doesn't feel desired and you're almost performing a monthly chore to appease him.

But you should probably also ask yourself the difficult questions before all this, such as the reasons for your lack of attraction in him to begin with. And whether you're genuinely fearful of the marriage falling apart or more the fact he's doing it doing it his terms now.

Augme

Wanderer78 wrote: »

...or maybe try obtain professional guidance, to try save the relationship....

Why? In those 10 years they have never been sexually compatible. That's not going to change now. The best you can hope for is that they both comprise and give up one their ideal sexually relationship. That's never going to keep to true happiness in a relationship. I don't why anyway would want to live the rest of their life like that simply because you've already invested 10 years or more either. That's a sunk cost. It shouldn't factor into the decision.

The reality is they should never have stayed together this long in the first place. Better off to accept that now and give both parties a chance to find a relationship that will make both of them truly happy.

LegacyUser

Op, there's not much in your post to explain how you guys have ended up in this sexless relationship nor is there much detail on why you want to save your marriage.

How did you get to this point?

- mismatched sexdrives/never compatible?
- you lost your libido? Did you do anything to fix it? Gp? Well woman clinic?diet?
-stopped finding him/yourself attractive

Did you do anything to address the cause?

Why do you want to save your marriage?

You don't appear to be in love, zero sex, zero intimacy, poor communication. What is there to save?

Secondly, how do you think you are going to fix it? You can't just conjure up a sex drive if you never had one. If it's lost drive, what have you done to fix it?

Are you just going to put in a 6 month effort and shag him senseless and hope it works?

And chance that your kids are no late teens and you realise that soon they will be gone & he might no longer want to stay & you are afraid of being alone?

Sorry for all the questions but my point is what are you trying to save and how? What will change? Can anything change? Do you really want it to? What is your real motivation? This should be your starting point.

rn

Hi op, short answer is yes, been there.

The marriage is definitely savable. Sex is a funny one because it's so important to us. Yet you can go without it if you have to to make life "work".

Marriage is a lot more than no sex = no future = walk away. There's still a future for you together, but it's a new chapter in your relationship.

Mad_maxx

I think more couples out there than people realise are not sexually attracted to each other, does the husband in the story look for it at all these days?

notAMember

randomname2005 wrote: »

I agree about communication, massive issue in this and many many relationship situations.
However, the op says that once or twice a month was 'more than enough for them'. I'm not sure I would say they clearly had a sex drive and wanting to initiate once now doesn't mean they have one now either.

I agree, I don’t think there is enough information to give much advice other than communication.

And that holds for any kind of judgement on whether Wikipedia says 24 or 10 times counts as sexless.

Take the initiation attempts, were they sexy or a turn off? The whole environment and context, energy levels , health , stress, household, jobs, family, everything else perfect? The rest of the marriage, still interested in each other in other ways?

There are a lot of posters jumping to breakups and divorce, but there is such a range of possibilities here, which may even need a professional to help with.

I remember being taken-aback years ago... my long time married friend, after a few drinks asked “ how do women in same sex relationships know when sex is finished? “ The penny dropped for me later, she was asking most likely because sex for her was finished when her husband was finished, not her. How many years had she put up with crappy sex on his terms? Had she ever even had an orgasm? If she was in a similar situation to you OP, I think she wouldn’t even know how to talk about it to solve the problem.

I’m not saying that is what happened here, as there is zero information on background. But it’s one of a range of possibilities. Unsatisfying or unpleasant sex generally doesn’t make anyone want to repeat it. And even less so if being hassled for it.

Really, OP, you and husband need to talk. And if neither of you are comfortable with it, then seek a professional therapist.

[Deleted User]

notAMember wrote: »

I remember being taken-aback years ago... my long time married friend, after a few drinks asked “ how do women in same sex relationships know when sex is finished? “ The penny dropped for me later, she was asking most likely because sex for her was finished when her husband was finished, not her. How many years had she put up with crappy sex on his terms? Had she ever even had an orgasm? If she was in a similar situation to you OP, I think she wouldn’t even know how to talk about it to solve the problem.

Where to start.. I guess I'll split this into two scenarios.

Your friend has a great sex life with multiple orgasms or a husband who makes her cum during foreplay and again afterwards etc. She was simply asking when that ends since women can keep going whereas for most men, orgasm is the defacto end for sex. I don't know when lesbians come to an end either. Stop at one? Stop at two? Half an hour?

Your friend doesn't know how to orgasm. Frankly, if a woman doesn't know this, it's unlikely a man is going to make it happen. You can do foreplay, you can have sex for as long as a woman desires, but since most women don't orgasm from penetrative sex, and most have a fairly specific need that the man learns, it's really up to the woman to direct this. Maybe she fakes it and he has no idea.

I think your posts here show you have a problem with men and sex. Me assuming you don't have multiple orgasms and don't enjoy sex apart from the orgasm is as fair as the assumptions you made about your friend's crappy sex life and her husband having sex on his terms.

If OP doesn't enjoy sex, it is up to her to work on that. To teach herself what she likes and then make that happen during sex. It's actually sexist and removes all agency from a woman to say that her enjoyment of sex and ability to orgasm is a man's gift to give.

notAMember

Jeez louise. I'll ignore the slew of personal comments about me, as those are clearly against the charter.

It's actually sexist and removes all agency from a woman to say that her enjoyment of sex and ability to orgasm is a man's gift to give.

Now, talk about getting the completely wrong end of the stick! If you reread my post, I said she needed to figure out how to talk about it, aka solve it herself. Not sure why you think I was suggesting this was a man's fault. The point was about communication, and that we don't know all the ins and outs of someone else's sex life.

I've only made 3 points in this thread, but it seems to be hitting too hard. Apologies for wounding anyone's manhood.

1) Consent continues in marriage. Nobody owes anyone else (either men or women) sex.
2) There are many reasons for a change in sex life, or even an unfulfilling one from the beginning. We don't know the gory details.
3) Communication solves a lot of things.

None of those are in any way controversial.

whomadewho

Missmiss1 wrote: »

Hi,

I know I’m at fault here. After about a decade or so of me rejecting my husbands advances for sex he’s finally stopped initiating. I got what i asked for and I hate it. He would ask me for sex 2-3 times a week, we normally did it 1-2 times a month which was more than enough for me but never enough for him.

Now, after 10 years of that routine he doesn’t even ask anymore. I know I’m at fault, i know years of rejection have hurt him and at this stage it’s probably easier for him not to ask than to be rejected. He even turned me down last time when i initiated. I’m literally watching my marriage fall apart in front of me and i honestly don’t see how i can fix it at this stage. Its all my fault and i feel so bad. Has anyone been here before?

My partner would be the same op, she never initiated from start of our relationship but never refused, but after a couple of years the excuses started. I only asked once a week though and I would get an excuse, I'm not in the mood, I'm tired, the neighbours might hear etc.
I got rejected 6 weeks in row once which I resorted me to beg and the reply I got was "don't beg as it is not attractive when you beg' after that I just stopped initiating altogether, the indignity of resorting me to beg, I will never forget. Only for I was out of work and my house was in negative equity I think I would have just left there and then.
We finally got back on track after a a good few years in the wilderness so it is possible but the resentment still lingers. Sex is the least important part of a relationship until it becomes a problem and then it affects every other aspect of the relationship. My advice would be to have a honest conversation with your partner about the last 10 and get everything out in the open, once the air is cleared there is a good chance that you can work it out.

Neyite

Communication is what you need, and for that, I think you should sit down with a relationship counsellor - either yourself or both of you.

You realise now that he's given up, and you aren't surprised - but there are lots of couples who have lulls or droughts. Work, kids, hormone/health issues all conspire against us. There could be lots of reasons why 1-2 per month was plenty for you, and not enough for him, especially if in the 10 years of marriage there was pregnancy, post natal, babies, toddlers and all that entails - those things can take a hit on women whether we like it or not. Even if there's no kids, things like intimacy, communication, work commitments or wider family commitments outside of the bedroom can all dampen desire.

Firstly, someone earlier asked you - what does your 'fixing' look like? You need to consider this. Do you want it to go back to 1-2 per month or would you feel like you'd like it more frequently? Do you still fancy him like you used to? Is the marriage otherwise good? Or are you just unsettled by him not asking any more and not liking the idea of that? Do you get the feeling he'd be open to reviving your relationship?

A counsellor can help you both tease out these issues. Everyone here will be influenced by their own experiences, and that flavours their advice - including my own. But it's not our relationships that's at stake, it's yours. And given you do want to do what you can to salvage it and hopefully turn it around, I think you should speak to an expert on this.

LegacyUser

I was in your husband's situation for many years. I even posted about it here: https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2058042043

and about how we managed to get out of it here:
https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2058157854&page=2

In my case, the constant rejection & lack of enthusiasm has affected my mental health. I never had any mental health issues before. But I went down a rabbit hole of thinking about how my wife would never want intimacy anymore with me, but yet went to considerable effort to have intimacy with her ex boyfriends when she was with them. Eventually I needed professional help.

I'd advise you to do what many here have already advised-communicate. Listen to how what he has to say. He probably didn't complain much over the years but I guarantee it probably had a bigger effect on him than you would think.

Secondly, if he is willing to try and make things better, put a BIG effort into your sex life. Show him you are interested. Surprise him with lingerie/ something he would like that you haven't done before. Be provocative. We men are easily aroused and if he tried for so long he must be still attracted to you. This is definitely fixable. In my case, we are now having the best sex we ever had.

best of luck OP

[Deleted User]

notAMember wrote: »

J
1) Consent continues in marriage. Nobody owes anyone else (either men or women) sex.

Very true, but I do think you owe your partner respect and affection. If you've spent 10 years being ok with freezing them out of your affection you can't suddenly act surprised when those actions break up the relationship. That's not to say the OP isn't affectionate, maybe they are, we don't know enough to say really.

Anyhow, all the OP can do now is work out where they and their partner are at and that can only be done by sitting down and communicating with each other.

Good luck OP, hope you work out what it is you actually want to achieve here.

LegacyUser

Only speaking from personal experience here, I was in your partners situation several years ago, 10 year relationship with little to no intimacy for the remaining 4 years or so.

The consistent rejection made me feel completely unwanted by my partner at the time, I would constantly be reframing my thoughts as the frequency of rejection increased and any communication on the subject shut down with different excuses. It ultimately ended with her leaving me for someone else. That was almost 4 years ago now and it has still left me a shell of my former self, haven’t dated and/or had any intimacy in my life since.

While I’m not for one second inferring anything on you or your relationship OP, you have to stop for one second and see it from your partners perspective and the potential hurt caused. Rejection of that nature and frequency can do serious long term damage to a persons self esteem, intentional or not.

The only thing you can do now is try and repair that damage through honest and open communication, there is no certainly of outcome either way but it is your only option. I wish you both all the best.

LegacyUser

OP
I was in a similar situation to you. My wife completely ignored me for almost 3 years.... Rejected me constantly.
We were intimate maybe 3 times a year and it absolutely killed me.
She never initiated.
Eventually after a long ordeal and counselling, we sorted our problems out (and there were lots of problems)

That was 3 years ago.
While things improved back then, we're now back to the same situation again....We haven't been intimate for at least 6 months...she simply has no interest....and to be honest, at this stage, neither do I anymore.
I'm convinced our relationship is over. She won't talk about it anymore....it's like shes resorted to thinking...." i sorted this out before, and I'm not going through it again"

We've both got a lot going on in our lives. She has a very stressful job, and I have stuff to deal with which is equally draining.
The only thing keeping me in this "relationship" is our child

At this stage i really couldn't care less if she's having an affair again...


How sad is my life?
Do you want to end up the same way?

My name is [insert name here]
I am sad and unhappy
Don't be like me.
Fix your life....only you have the power to do that

bitofabind

I'm always curious in these situations where 1+1=2, with 2 being the undesirable outcome, why people fail to take action. You said yourself OP, this was an entirely predictable result of consistently rejecting your husband's advances, ignoring his needs and sticking to your own 1-2x a month schedule for years despite his needs not changing. He was going to give up. He was going to stop trying. He was going to lose interest and disengage. Why did it never occur to you to protect your marriage and deal with this before now? Why did his needs not matter until now? Do they even matter now? Are you willing to compromise?

If it was him on this forum, the advice would be to leave now. She'll never change. She doesn't care. Sex isn't important to her. She won't change, and you won't change, so don't suffer in silence. Find someone that's sexually compatible, but more importantly, cares about your needs. We can work through these incompatibilities if both people care enough about each other to acknowledge and meet each other's needs. Compromise is possible, but I'm not sure if that's what you're willing to offer?

Dog day

It’s very touching of so many posters to share their similar experiences with you OP. As I & other posters have already stated, please do take time to think about what you do wish to achieve & why, be honest with yourself, once you have clarity on that you can communicate clearly with your husband as to what the best outcome may be for you both. I genuinely wish you both all the best.

LegacyUser

OP doesn't appear to have posted since the start of the thread, so I'm not sure they're still looking for feedback.

Reading this thread, I can see how other posters are in similar relationships - with perspectives from both sides of the issue. The experiences of these posters colours their attitudes to the topic. Naturally so. There does seem to be a lot of commonality between those being rejected, and separately, significant commonality among those doing the rejecting.

OP (If you're still following this thread), this thread now contains accounts from others in similar positions as your husband. Some who appear to have reacted in a similar way to your husband. If you want to address issues in your relationship you'll need to talk with him, but the experiences detailed in this thread may prepare you for how he is feeling.

I think the best advice has already been given; to work out what result you want. What does success look like? I'd add that you really have to be honest with your husband, not just saying what you think he wants to hear in order to keep the show on the road. If his needs aren't going to be met in the relationship, he deserves the chance to make an informed choice as to if/how he proceeds in it.

The chan chan man

No one has mentioned the possibility, or into this case, likelihood, that he’s now getting it elsewhere?! Sounds like you’ve treated him like sh1t so why wouldn’t he look elsewhere. Has he recently taken up ‘swimming lessons’ or started ‘going to the gym’ at night?!

fits

That’s a huge leap. I think a lot depends really on whether there is kindness and love in the relationship and what the ‘rejection’ was like. OP hasn’t been back so all replies are based on assumptions really.