Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

Husband stopped initiating

Options
24

Comments

  • Options
    #32
    Pawwed Rig
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Home & Garden Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 22,296 CMod ✭✭✭✭Pawwed Rig


    OP honestly I think your more upset by your loss of control than anything else. You demonstrated quite clearly over the years that his well being was no concern to you and I doubt that this has changed now. 9 and a half years ago was the time to address these issues.

    Despite what others are presuming no one actually said you are obliged to have sex everytime one partner wants it however such a mismatch in expectations is something that needed to be addressed a long time ago and was inevitably going to cause problems.

    This marriage CAN be saved however from your previous record it does not seem evident that you have any interest in saving it on anything more than a superficial level.


  • Options
    #33
    osarusan
    Registered Users Posts: 16,553 ✭✭✭✭osarusan


    fits wrote: »
    People aren’t obliged to have sex every time their partner feels like it which is the undercurrent on here sometimes.
    fits wrote: »
    Yes she should have jumped on him every time he looked at her sideways no matter what else might be going on in their lives.
    fits wrote: »
    The commitment of marriage is not obligation to have sex every time the other partner feels like it.

    Nobody is saying anything like that. Nobody has mentioned any kind of obligation to have sex in any way.

    I have no idea why you are misrepresenting posters like this.


  • Options
    #34
    notAMember
    Registered Users Posts: 1,639 ✭✭✭notAMember


    Fits is right, This thread is nuts!!

    This was a difference in sex drive and a husband who is now playing silly beggars , pouting and giving silent treatment instead of communicating.

    You don’t owe anyone sex on demand OP, no one does. Both parties still get to consent when married. You were not outright rejecting him for ten years, you clearly say you were having sex on your terms multiple times a month. This is completely normal, people have many reasons for not wanting sex at a particular moment. A lot of men and women find sex during menstruation unpleasant for example.

    Communication is key to any marriage. Expect him to talk about it. Arrange counselling if he will go.


  • Options
    #35
    Dog day
    Registered Users Posts: 190 ✭✭Dog day


    Also fits you seem to be the only person here that has made pejorative statements regarding gender. This is of no help to the OP & shows a linear mindset in relation to the issue which runs far deeper than sex in & of itself.


  • Options
    #36
    Pawwed Rig
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Home & Garden Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 22,296 CMod ✭✭✭✭Pawwed Rig


    notAMember wrote: »
    This is completely normal, people have many reasons for not wanting sex at a particular moment. A lot of men and women find sex during menstruation unpleasant for example.

    Communication is key to any marriage. Expect him to talk about it. Arrange counselling if he will go.

    Definitely not normal other than in dysfunctional abusive relationships. Even the OP is admitting as much


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #37
    joe40
    Registered Users Posts: 3,811 ✭✭✭joe40


    I think some of the responses here have been unnecessarily harsh. (especially the one saying the husband is probably using escort.ie)

    The op definitely could have done better but sex 1 or 2 a month isn't a loveless marriage. We don't know if there was other intimacy involved.

    My advice would be to definitely talk, would have been better years ago but do so now.


  • Options
    #38
    notAMember
    Registered Users Posts: 1,639 ✭✭✭notAMember


    Pawwed Rig wrote: »
    Definitely not normal other than in dysfunctional abusive relationships. Even the OP is admitting as much

    You think consent is not normal? I don’t have any response to that except I’m afraid we disagree.

    OP is taking blame where there is none to take.

    OP, maybe the question is HOW did you reject advances? Did you explain your reasons, postpone, or were you cruel.


  • Options
    #39
    Pawwed Rig
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Home & Garden Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 22,296 CMod ✭✭✭✭Pawwed Rig


    notAMember wrote: »
    You think consent is not normal? I don’t have any response to that except I’m afraid we disagree.

    That is a fairly dishonest take on what I posted. If you want to post honestly I will engage with you. Otherwise not.


  • Options
    #40
    Wanderer78
    Registered Users Posts: 28,810 ✭✭✭✭Wanderer78


    joe40 wrote:
    I think some of the responses here have been unnecessarily harsh. (especially the one saying the husband is probably using escort.ie)

    Some people are just absolute arseholes on the Internets, I don't know what kick they get out of trying to upset another human who's clearly upset, they're clearly far more fcuked up!

    Op, please don't blame yourself, these things happen, as others have said, communicate, communicate, communicate, and maybe consider couples counselling, just to see what's going on there. I'd imagine both of you are now very upset about the current situation, and maybe blaming each other, these things can be resolved, best of luck


  • Options
    #41
    Gary kk
    Registered Users Posts: 675 ✭✭✭Gary kk


    Leave out numbers of times a month. It's about how they were rejected. Was kindly or less so?
    Was there any intimacy between?

    I mean if you were kind to him it's not your fault it's just been humans. We are all different.


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #42
    sydthebeat
    Subscribers Posts: 41,040 ✭✭✭✭sydthebeat


    notAMember wrote: »
    You think consent is not normal? I don’t have any response to that except I’m afraid we disagree.

    OP is taking blame where there is none to take.

    OP, maybe the question is HOW did you reject advances? Did you explain your reasons, postpone, or were you cruel.

    That's a pretty disgraceful twisting and misrepresentation of what was posted. No one is saying the OP should have to do something without consent. The main point is the OP was happy to reject her husbands advances for years, to the point he is now completely disinterested, and she'd is mainly to blame for this, she says so herself.


  • Options
    #43
    PmMeUrDogs
    Registered Users Posts: 703 ✭✭✭PmMeUrDogs


    Do you want to have sex with your husband?

    If yes, do you want to go back to once a month, or a more regular sex life?

    Do you have the libido for once or twice a week, or is this an idea to keep your husband?


    If you WANT more regular sex, want to initiate, want to sleep with your husband regularly, then talk to him.

    If you just want him back and are willing to "endure" it, or just want to go back to once a month and frequently rejecting him, then you need to talk about ending your marriage because ten years of rejection has probably ruined his self esteem and any love for you tbh


  • Options
    #44
    Pawwed Rig
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Home & Garden Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 22,296 CMod ✭✭✭✭Pawwed Rig


    1-2 times a month is not multiple btw.
    I see a few posters jumping on the word multiple rather than using the stark figure that is once or twice.


  • Options
    #45
    BillyBiggs
    Registered Users Posts: 167 ✭✭BillyBiggs


    Have you gained weight over the past ten years. Could that be a turn off for him?


  • Options
    #46
    lonestargirl
    Registered Users Posts: 1,501 ✭✭✭lonestargirl


    It’s not just about the frequency though. She has not initiated for a decade, initiating tells someone that they are wanted, desired. If my partner never expressed those feelings to me it would hugely erode my feelings about myself.

    As a late 30s single women I’ve heard this story a million times. Mostly from guys on dating sites, who generally don’t want to be there but have reached breaking point. Hopefully you can rescue this before it reaches that point.

    Nobody deserves sex, but they deserve respect for their feelings and you seem to have scant regard for his here.


  • Options
    #47
    notAMember
    Registered Users Posts: 1,639 ✭✭✭notAMember


    Pawwed Rig wrote: »
    That is a fairly dishonest take on what I posted. If you want to post honestly I will engage with you. Otherwise not.

    Well what did you think was not normal then, as that was the whole point of my post?

    If you Elaborate…


  • Options
    #48
    notAMember
    Registered Users Posts: 1,639 ✭✭✭notAMember


    lonestargirl wrote: »
    It’s not just about the frequency though. She has not initiated for a decade, initiating tells someone that they are wanted, desired. If my partner never expressed those feelings to me it would hugely erode my feelings about myself.

    Sounds like she hardly got the chance though, if he was pestering her as much as she says. She clearly has a sex drive, wants intimacy.

    It’s the usual relationship issue tbh. Communication.


  • Options
    #49
    PmMeUrDogs
    Registered Users Posts: 703 ✭✭✭PmMeUrDogs


    notAMember wrote: »
    Sounds like she hardly got the chance though, if he was pestering her as much as she says. She clearly has a sex drive, wants intimacy.

    It’s the usual relationship issue tbh. Communication.

    He tried to initiate twice a week... Sounds like she had 5 other days a week in which she COULD initiate if she chose to


  • Options
    #50
    shesty
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,894 Mod ✭✭✭✭shesty


    Mod Note
    Wandering way off-course here folks.Can you address the OP please and address individual posts rather than the posters.
    S


  • Options
    #51
    osarusan
    Registered Users Posts: 16,553 ✭✭✭✭osarusan


    lonestargirl wrote: »
    It’s not just about the frequency though. She has not initiated for a decade, initiating tells someone that they are wanted, desired. If my partner never expressed those feelings to me it would hugely erode my feelings about myself.
    This is spot on I think, and why a focus on frequency is missing the point a bit.

    It's absolutely natural to want to be wanted, desired, considered attractive, and it's got to be soul-destroying to be attracted to somebody and want to have sex with them, yet, to know that they are not attracted to you and have no real interest in sex.

    At this point, the OP's partner knows that the OP is not only not attracted to him, but also that she is fine with that. She's content not being attracted to him, it's not something that she had any desire to change.

    Or at least, she was content with it until he stopped initiating. Then, and only then, did it become a problem.

    So the question for the OP is what exactly is the problem here? It's not the lack of attraction to their husband - that has been going on for years and was not an issue (for the OP at least). As I asked earlier, what would things look like after they are 'fixed'?

    Posters are saying they need to talk to each other, to communicate, but I can't really think of anything the OP could say to their partner that would fix this to be honest.


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #52
    fits
    Registered Users Posts: 13,261 ✭✭✭✭fits


    There is very little space to initiate if your partner is doing it constantly though. That’s the other thing. Trying 3 days a week is quite a lot in a long term relationship. Sounds like the libidos are very mismatched here.


  • Options
    #53
    SouthWesterly
    Registered Users Posts: 6,483 ✭✭✭SouthWesterly


    Op, you asked how you can fix it.
    Firstly you need to apologise to him for how you treated him.

    Secondly, listen to him.

    Is it fixable? I don't know. It depends on what the 2 of you want after steps 1 and 2.


  • Options
    #54
    YellowLead
    Registered Users Posts: 7,678 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    OP were your libidos always miss matched and therefore you both knew what you were letting yourselves in for? Or did yours decline over time? When incompatibilities like this occur usually couples either break up or agree to meet in the middle. Or one suffers on in silence due to there being kids involved.

    How has the marriage been outside of the sexual incompatibility issue? It kind of sounds like you were having sex with your husband once or twice a month out of a sense of duty rather than desiring him - this likely had a huge negative impact on him.
    It could be the case, harsh as it sounds, that’s he is simply not attracted to you anymore, or perhaps his own libido is failing, or he is getting his kicks via other means.


  • Options
    #55
    MoonUnit75
    Registered Users Posts: 1,514 ✭✭✭MoonUnit75


    Imagine if you posted on the pet forum that you adopted a springer spaniel but was only interested in walking together maybe once or twice a month at most. I’m sure there wouldn’t be a queue of posters saying ‘damn right, just because you adopted an animal that needs regular exercise doesn’t mean it deserves more than whatever little suits you’.


  • Options
    #56
    osarusan
    Registered Users Posts: 16,553 ✭✭✭✭osarusan


    MoonUnit75 wrote: »
    Imagine if you posted on the pet forum that you adopted a springer spaniel but was only interested in walking together maybe once or twice a month at most. I’m sure there wouldn’t be a queue of posters saying ‘damn right, just because you adopted an animal that needs regular exercise doesn’t mean it deserves more than whatever little suits you’.
    Jesus what a terrible analogy.


  • Options
    #57
    Dog day
    Registered Users Posts: 190 ✭✭Dog day


    Pawwed Rig wrote: »
    That is a fairly dishonest take on what I posted. If you want to post honestly I will engage with you. Otherwise not.

    Couldn’t agree more Pawwed Rig. To mention ‘consent’ in this context is extremely salacious & is indeed misrepresenting your point. Unfortunately there are some posters here seemingly intent on doing so which is of no value to the OP.


  • Options
    #58
    MoonUnit75
    Registered Users Posts: 1,514 ✭✭✭MoonUnit75


    osarusan wrote: »
    Jesus what a terrible analogy.

    Sorry you feel that way. I thought swapping out an animal for a male might open the eyes of people who can’t seem to understand that this situation is a pattern of rejection and neglect that has likely caused serious distress to a real person over a long period of time.


  • Options
    #59
    Dog day
    Registered Users Posts: 190 ✭✭Dog day


    Wanderer78 wrote: »
    Jesus, you really are one of those seriously fcuked up folks on the Internets, I'm not even sure professionals could help you with your issues!

    Wanderer, you seem to be seeing callousness in some posts that to my mind simply isn’t there. In one of your other posts you’ve over simplified the issue in the extreme. I do however agree that the post regarding weight gain is a low blow & entirely unnecessary.

    Compassionate advice sometimes involves telling hard truths. It is of no benefit to the OP to underplay the negative effects that years of rejection have likely had on her husband. Equally I’ve said it already that the OP needs to really analyse why she suddenly wants to now address this as have other measured posters who are taking time out to actively try to help the OP. Soft soaping this is actually not helping the OP at all.


  • Options
    #60
    fits
    Registered Users Posts: 13,261 ✭✭✭✭fits


    MoonUnit75 wrote: »
    Imagine if you posted on the pet forum that you adopted a springer spaniel but was only interested in walking together maybe once or twice a month at most. I’m sure there wouldn’t be a queue of posters saying ‘damn right, just because you adopted an animal that needs regular exercise doesn’t mean it deserves more than whatever little suits you’.

    I’m sorry but this is hilarious. A husband is not equivalent to a puppy and well able to take himself for a walk should he need one. :D


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #61
    randomname2005
    Registered Users Posts: 1,932 ✭✭✭randomname2005


    notAMember wrote: »
    Sounds like she hardly got the chance though, if he was pestering her as much as she says. She clearly has a sex drive, wants intimacy.

    It’s the usual relationship issue tbh. Communication.

    I agree about communication, massive issue in this and many many relationship situations.
    However, the op says that once or twice a month was 'more than enough for them'. I'm not sure I would say they clearly had a sex drive and wanting to initiate once now doesn't mean they have one now either.

    Something else to consider is that the op might be over estimating how often they did consent and the frequency of intimacy. Having spent some time in Reddit dead bedrooms a common occurrence is an underestimate of the time between sex that low libido partners have. And the definition of a sexless marriage sometimes includes marriages and relationships where it happens less than once a month or ten times per year (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexless_marriage https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.considerable.com/life/checklist-life/sexless-marriages-advice-therapist/amp/ and I haven't thoroughly researched the links in these articles). The relationship described in the op could well fall into this classification if the op is even slightly over estimating the frequency.

    I vehemently stand behind anyone in a relationship who does not want to have sex every time their partner does . However, I also agree with many posters here who have little sympathy for the op who is upset because she was rejected once. Being rejected constantly is heart breaking, and then to go through the roller coaster of emotions when your partner initiates once hoping that a more frequent sex life is possible but for it to return to the way it was before, and the humiliation and feelings of worthlessness and destruction of self esteem that come along with it are devastating.

    Communication is essential here. Op you need to really look at yourself, see what has changed so that you wanted to initiate, look at your whole relationship and see if sex was more regular at the start and see why it declined, was this a one off itch to be scratched or do you feel you have , I don't want to use the word changed, but I can't think of a better word, and feel like more frequent intimacy is something you want. Hormones change, people change, maybe something in life changed without notice and you are in a place now where you want more sex and intimacy. You need to have an honest and open discussion with your partner and be prepared for both of you to feel hurt, and for anger and other strong emotions to come out.

    But don't mess with emotions, you know what it feels like to be rejected once, imagine how he has felt being rejected over 900 times (2 times per week for 50 weeks a year for 9 years). If you don't think that you want intimacy on a regular basis don't even hint at that possibility.


Advertisement