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One sided intimacy
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02-01-2020 3:57am#1I've been married to my wife almost ten years now. I love her but I'm worried that she hasn't been attracted to me for some time now. For the past five years I can only remember one occasion (3 years ago) when she has initiated sex. Prior to that it would have been around 50/50. It always feels to me that she is responding to my advances out of a sense of duty, recently she admitted that this is the case. Five years ago I also had an accident at work which resulted in a visible scar across my stomach, it's faded with time but it's still very obvious. Although my wife assures me this doesn't bother her at all.
Five years ago also coincides with the arrival of our first child and consequently me not going to the gym, while I've put on a few pounds I know I'm not overweight and I haven't let myself go.
Obviously we've spoken about this quite a bit, I've always initiated these conversations too. Initially she denied there was a problem but more recently she has given me a multitude of reasons why this is the case/why it's not a problem-she's tired all the time, because I don't help enough around the house, it's just not a priority, all her friends say they never have sex anymore either so it's not just us and "it's hard to be attracted to someone if your also their mammy." I had to ask her to explain that last one, she said that me asking her where my shirt is etc. is not attractive.
My instinctive reaction to all of these reasons was to dismiss them as a cover for something she doesn't want to tell me. Nevertheless, I have made conscious efforts to increase the amount of housework I do, take the kids out so she can have naps etc. but there's been no change in our sex life.
For the first two years or so of this I just kept initiating and most of the time we would have sex although, as I've said, it seemed to be out of a sense of duty rather than a genuine willingness. As time passed I've resented having to initiate all the time and I've tried to stop myself from doing so, in the hope that the lack of sex would provoke her into action. But I'm very attracted to her, and after 3/4 weeks I can't resist her anymore and the cycle starts over again. As I've brought the issue up more frequently recently, I have found that if I initiate something and we have to stop for some reason, e.g. one of the kids waking up, she will initiate the next morning, but again it's more from a sense of duty.
Sometimes when we have sex I can tell that she enjoys it and we have good fun but most of the time that's not the case. She'll say things like "I hope I'm not wrecked in the morning now" or if it's lasting particularly long, I can sense that she's getting annoyed and would prefer to be asleep.
I've read similar threads to this and I've gently suggested to my wife some of things that have been suggested but she just seems completely uninterested in changing the status quo. I'm getting increasingly resentful about the situation. I would sooner live in celibacy than split up our marriage but obviously I want my wife to want me again.
Hope somebody has been though something similar and has some sort of solution...3
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I am in the same boat Op, a long term girlfriend who is dissinterested in intimacy. Was regular enough at the start but started to drop off as a soon as she knew I was emotionlly invested. When I look back it was always me who initiates everytime. We are not married and we dont have kids, and I told her the reason we are not married, was i dont to get stuck in a sexless marraige. Her answer was, ' all marriages end up sexless'. And she wonders why we are not married.
You cant change you wife Op, just like I cant change my girlfriend. They are who they are.
I said to my girlfriend last week 'we are not compatible sexually' and she said not many couples are compatible sexually but they just have to work at it.
And in fairness she has worked on it.
As hard it will be, you need to sit your wife down, and have a serious conversation about what sex means to you and ask her was sex means to her and try and find a middle ground that will make u's both happy.
I stuck my head in the sand for a long time without saying anything and alot of resentment was built up.After exploding one day, my misses now knows why intimacy is so important in the relationship. Best of luck Op1 -
I can recommend a very good book on this topic. It's by Esther Perel and called 'Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence'
It's a very good summary of the difficulty in maintaining erotic interest among the humdrum and unerotic realities of family life. It also contains a few good ideas on how to fix it.
It's definitely worth a read... but, my own 2c worth is that when my ex went the same direction as your wife, it was only her suspicion that I might be having an affair that rekindled her interest in sex. Kinda depressing but I had to fight her off towards the end when I'd pretty much given up on the relationship.
I found that me not asking for sex didn't really work. Joining a gym, getting fit and being seen to be more desirable or having women flirt with me with was far more of an aphrodisiac.0 -
OP. Ask your wife if she would be willing to go to couple's therapy with you.
There is also a good long running Reddit thread on this (r/deadbedrooms) which has loads of advice and support from others in a similar situation.
Good luck0 -
Hey OP
Just giving a woman's opinion on your post. Obviously I don't know your relationship, but going off my own experiences here based on what you have said.
I was once in a co-habiting relationship with a man I adored.
My way of loving him was to look after him, washing, cooking, cleaning, ironing etc. His way of loving me was sex and intimacy.
At the begining I loved caring for him and he was very grateful for all the things I did. After a while he got incredibly lazy and would depend on me to do everything for him and he stopped being grateful and instead would grunt if his clothes weren't clean when he needed them or i hadn't gotten around to going grocery shopping. He didn't mean it in a bad way, he just learned from what I taught him..... It went from feeling nurturing to feeling completely enslaved and taken for granted.
I created a monster.
Then....when he did want to show me his appreciation he did this with intimacy and I was so tired running the house and also so resentful to him for not helping me or actually actively creating more work while not appreciating me. The last thing I wanted to do was sleep with him. There is nothing less attractive than someone who is completely dependent on you. Eventually I was so irritated with him I ended the relationship.
It's great that you are helping around the house a bit more, but maybe she needs more than that. Maybe do some work for her, wash her car, or let her come home to a spotless home and changed bed sheets (regularly, not as a one off). And probably more importantly, thank her for what she does.....She might be feeling taken for granted, it could be that simple.
And maybe be patient, it might take a while for her to believe this is the new you. In my experience a drop off in intimacy is usually a symptom of another problem, just focusing on the sex itself might not be enough to fix it.
Best of luck anyway x0 -
I've been through the same and eventually it destroyed the marriage.
It wasn't anything to do with household chores. I was the sole earner and took 100% care of the kids/house every second week.
Eventually, we discovered she had an underlying condition that caused some of our difficulties. (ADHD)
Best bet imo is to go to couples counseling with a good counsellor, you have to find one that suits both of ye.
Best of luck with it.0 -
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So the way I see it...she told you exactly why she doesn't feel like sex. You decide not to believe her, to insist there's something else going on. You increase your chores slightly and immediately get frustrated it doesn't result in sex.
It's not attractive to have a partner expect sex in return for doing their fair share of household duties. Perhaps that's the main issue- your attitude stinks. Housework is your job too, not just hers. Doing HALF is the MINIMUM you should be doing as two co-habiting adults..if you were flat sharing would you expect your flatmate to carry the burden? Would it be fair they left it all to you to do? Maybe she's fed up and sick of that attitude and sees herself as a carer/cleaner more than a lover because that's how you've treated her ....
Have a good long think about what it would be like living alone, what jobs you'd end up doing around the house. Now start doing them and don't expect anything in return. Leave sex off the cards and get back to treating her with a bit more respect and appreciation. Then see if things change...0 -
There is no amount of housework that you will be able to do in order to get her to want to have sex with you again. It is quite possibly the worst advice there is to men because it does not work.
Couples counselling will just lead to her feeling pressurised into having sex with you. Maybe she will initiate a bit more but deep down you'll know it still isn't like it was before.
If you want to reignite your sex life talking about it is not going to do it.
Get yourself to the gym regularly, lose the couple of pounds, start improving yourself and find a new hobby. Be dedicated to improving yourself. Make yourself a little less available and start hanging out with friends a little bit more. I'm not advocating you to neglect your marriage, but have some stuff going on externally to it. Work towards goals, improve yourself and I'm very sure she will be naturally drawn back to you.0 -
Things that would be a major turn-off for me:
- tired all the time, because partner doesn’t help enough around the house
- it’s hard to be attracted to someone if they treat you like you’re their mammy
- having a partner that doesn’t see that I’m tired / stressed, but wants to increase my tiredness and stress by wanting to be mammied, instead of lightening my load
- dismissing my explanations / not listening to me
- being taken for granted
- my partner thinking that a very recent change in pulling his weight a little more around the house more means sex now, straight away.
I don’t see ages in your post, but I’m guessing earlyish 40s by other things you’ve said. And more than 1 kid, as you mentioned your first child 5 years ago.
Do you both have full time jobs? That would change my views on the split of household and child related tasks, but as you don’t mention otherwise I’ll assume you both work outside the home. In that case, you’ve been a bit of an absent husband and father, and can’t seem to understand that dumping on your partner makes her far less likely to want to have sex with you! And lose the mammying stuff. It is so very unattractive.0 -
Five years ago ye had a child, five years ago she stopped initiating sex. She's telling you she's exhausted, feeling like your mammy, it's not a priority, and your instinctive reaction is she's lying. Why? Because you can't understand how that would kill her libido, because you don't want it to be the case, because something in her delivery seemed like she was lying?
What normal avenues has she refused to try?
Do you see the parallel between how you're engaging with doing your share in the house and how she engages in sex? To humour her, out of duty, almost to prove that that's not actually the problem. Even if you do now manage to know where your shirts are all by yourself like a big boy, you know from your own experience how unsatisfying that kind of a reaction to a need is.
And tbh ye both have it better than a lot of people in the early childhood years of parenthood. She's having sex, you're doing housework, ye just both have bad attitudes about it.0 -
But to stop fancying him?
I can understand being fed up with him or annoyed with him, but can you get past not fancying someone?0 -
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But to stop fancying him?
I can understand being fed up with him or annoyed with him, but can you get past not fancying someone?
Can you fancy someone who takes you for granted, acts like an over-grown child, doesn’t listen to you, and modifies this behaviour for 2 minutes and then sulks when they’re not immediately given all that they want?0 -
Can you fancy someone who takes you for granted, acts like an over-grown child, doesn’t listen to you, and modifies this behaviour for 2 minutes and then sulks when they’re not immediately given all that they want?
Did you read a different OP? Where is any of the above stated? Making stuff up to suit your own narrative.0 -
matthewmurdock wrote: »Did you read a different OP? Where is any of the above stated? Making stuff up to suit your own narrative.
In case you missed it, directly from the OP:
- She's tired all the time, because I don't help enough around the house [taking her for granted]
- "it's hard to be attracted to someone if your also their mammy." I had to ask her to explain that last one, she said that me asking her where my shirt is etc. is not attractive [acting like an over-grown child]
- My instinctive reaction to all of these reasons was to dismiss them [not listening to her]
- Nevertheless, I have made conscious efforts to increase the amount of housework I do, take the kids out so she can have naps etc. but there's been no change in our sex life. [modifies this behaviour for 2 minutes and then sulks when they’re not immediately given all that they want]
Of course she may simply not fancy him as well as all of the above. But she has explicitly told him reasons why she isn’t particularly interested in having sex with him, so in my opinion his first port of call is to address what she has said - and on a long term basis, ie to be a better partner and father.0 -
From my reading he modified his behaviour years ago though? "For the first two years of this"?
I think there certainly is an issue with expectations, entitlement and respecting her reasons as stated but I don't think he just started making the beds last week, and I'm not seeing any tantrums.0 -
In case you missed it, directly from the OP:
- She's tired all the time, because I don't help enough around the house [taking her for granted]
- "it's hard to be attracted to someone if your also their mammy." I had to ask her to explain that last one, she said that me asking her where my shirt is etc. is not attractive [acting like an over-grown child]
- My instinctive reaction to all of these reasons was to dismiss them [not listening to her]
- Nevertheless, I have made conscious efforts to increase the amount of housework I do, take the kids out so she can have naps etc. but there's been no change in our sex life.
So explain to me why everything that she said is being taken at face value but none of what he said is?
You decided that he helped out more for "2 minutes then sulks when their not immediately given all that they want". This reads like some sort of revenge porn fantasy. Where is any of this inferred or stated? Firstly, there is no timeframe given, these changes could possibly have been going on for months. Secondly, she listed a bunch of issues, he addressed them and yet she still has problems.
Thirdly, it's very possible that he was doing plenty of housework anyway. Even when they have sex she is putting a downer on the whole thing.
It's almost as if she finds excuse after excuse, when one thing is addressed she finds another reason why she doesn't want to have sex. Almost as if she isn't attracted to him no matter what and a list of flimsy half baked excuses which change on a dime aren't worth anything.
He says in the OP that he has done what she asked. That he would rather live in celibacy than leave. What is it you want from him? Blood is it. Christ.
Relationship advice? More like fantasise about how bad men are and scold them for it.0 -
@ electro
The “first 2 years” was in relation to him continuing to initiate sex.
The “multitude of reasons” stuff about reasons why she isn’t initiating sex was ‘more recently’.
I was harsh about the throwing his toys out of the pram. But to me he has behaved selfishly in the past, only recently has changed some of his behaviours, and yet can’t seem to understand why his wife has not very very quickly returned to initiating sex with him.0 -
In my experience OP, the more desperate a woman thinks you are for physical contact with her, the less she will want it.0
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Can you fancy someone who takes you for granted, acts like an over-grown child, doesn’t listen to you, and modifies this behaviour for 2 minutes and then sulks when they’re not immediately given all that they want?
Actually, yes. Sex with someone has been the only reason for me to be in a relationship with them at times.0 -
So the way I see it...she told you exactly why she doesn't feel like sex. You decide not to believe her, to insist there's something else going on. You increase your chores slightly and immediately get frustrated it doesn't result in sex.
It's not attractive to have a partner expect sex in return for doing their fair share of household duties. Perhaps that's the main issue- your attitude stinks. Housework is your job too, not just hers. Doing HALF is the MINIMUM you should be doing as two co-habiting adults..if you were flat sharing would you expect your flatmate to carry the burden? Would it be fair they left it all to you to do? Maybe she's fed up and sick of that attitude and sees herself as a carer/cleaner more than a lover because that's how you've treated her ....
Have a good long think about what it would be like living alone, what jobs you'd end up doing around the house. Now start doing them and don't expect anything in return. Leave sex off the cards and get back to treating her with a bit more respect and appreciation. Then see if things change...
Even if all the above were true, it wouldn't explain her attitude about being fine with a sexless life.
If she has a problem with the work the OP does around the house, she needs to discuss it with him like an adult. Personally, I think one of the best investments a family can make, if they can afford it, is to get a cleaner in. Removes so many sources for arguments. I appreciate it's not for everyone, but it's a lot cheaper than divorce.
But anyhow, I've never come across a situation where a man doing more housework revitalised a marriage.
Leaving the sex aside for a minute, is she ever affectionate in other ways? Intimacy is a lot more than just sex.0 -
[Deleted User] wrote: »Even if all the above were true, it wouldn't explain her attitude about being fine with a sexless life.
If she has a problem with the work the OP does around the house, she needs to discuss it with him like an adult. Personally, I think one of the best investments a family can make, if they can afford it, is to get a cleaner in. Removes so many sources for arguments. I appreciate it's not for everyone, but it's a lot cheaper than divorce.
But anyhow, I've never come across a situation where a man doing more housework revitalised a marriage.
Leaving the sex aside for a minute, is she ever affectionate in other ways? Intimacy is a lot more than just sex.
Their marriage isn’t sexless though. It’s lack of initiation/enthusiasm about sex. Of course not ideal - but not irretrievable either.
I agree that she should have talked to him re lack of help in the house, but they are where they are. And a cleaner is a great idea.
I don’t think it’s that one partner finally pulling their weight with housework revitalises a marriage; it’s more that feeling dumped on re housework and/or childcare over a long period is not only exhausting, it feels like the other half doesn’t care enough to be bothered noticing, helping, or just plain takes this for granted. None of that is conducive to a decent sex life - in my opinion. And no, I don’t have a ‘narrative’ or think ‘all men are bad’. I do know a woman who behaves like this in her marriage - and I don’t think much of her tbh. I can’t understand her selfish attitude.
Intimacy of any sort is (I think) difficult to want if you feel unsupported and taken for granted (eta: and thats without the “mammying” stuff - that would truly push me right over the edge). I guess it’s a fair comment to say that I just can’t see myself being able to separate the sex from the emotions/how I feel about the other person. And if I’d listed off the “multiple reasons” that the OP quotes, I’d be pretty down in the dumps re the emotional side of things.0 -
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Their marriage isn’t sexless though. It’s lack of initiation/enthusiasm about sex. Of course not ideal - but not irretrievable either.
I agree that she should have talked to him re lack of help in the house, but they are where they are. And a cleaner is a great idea.
I don’t think it’s that one partner finally pulling their weight with housework revitalises a marriage; it’s more that feeling dumped on re housework and/or childcare over a long period is not only exhausting, it feels like the other half doesn’t care enough to be bothered noticing, helping, or just plain takes this for granted. None of that is conducive to a decent sex life - in my opinion. And no, I don’t have a ‘narrative’ or think ‘all men are bad’. I do know a woman who behaves like this in her marriage - and I don’t think much of her tbh. I can’t understand her selfish attitude.
Intimacy of any sort is (I think) difficult to want if you feel unsupported and taken for granted. I guess it’s a fair comment to say that I just can’t see myself being able to separate the sex from the emotions/how I feel about the other person. And if I’d listed off the “multiple reasons” that the OP quotes, I’d be pretty down in the dumps re the emotional side of things
For better or worse , in sickness and health, if the house is clean or unclean , till death do us part0 -
Thank you for the constructive responses, particularly to cyclepath (I will buy the book) matthew and lozenges and to others who have defended me, which I'll come to in a minute.
To answer a few questions, I'm the sole earner these past two years. My wife had a full time job but took a leave of absence, which was then extended. We also hired a cleaner about two years ago.
I didn't/don't believe the reasons my wife stated for several reasons. They weren't all stated at once, if I we spoke about it this week it could be because she's tired, next week she might say it's because it's just not a priority, last week it would have been something else. The reasons she gives are inconsistent and variable. (Of course there could be multiple reasons). Secondly, I was under the impression that I was doing my fair share already. Undoubtedly she does more than me as she's at home full time. But when I am at home I would have said we spent a roughly equal amount of time doing household chores and I'm at home a lot more than most. For a long while now I've being trying to do more. Finally, I've taken on board what she has said despite not believing it. The cleaner was something I was completely opposed to, it's too middle class for me, but I agreed to it anyway. Likewise with the extension on the leave of absence.
The 'mammying'- There are certain household chores that I do exclusively and certain ones she does exclusively. She does the ironing, hence, I would be asking where a shirt is. I do all the DIY, if she asks me to change a bulb, I don't consider it 'daddying.' I would have thought that's fairly normal. Anyway, I don't think it's healthy to use sex as some sort of payment for household chores as has been insinuated. I don't want more sex, I want my wife to want to have sex.
I've suggested going to a couples therapy, which was dismissed. I arranged nights away without the children, including staying in a suite in a very nice hotel for her birthday.
Thank you again to the people who gave constructive replies. To qwerty in particular, I wonder if a female posted a message similar to mine, I wonder would you accuse her of being an "absent husband and father."1 -
Their marriage isn’t sexless though. It’s lack of initiation/enthusiasm about sex. Of course not ideal - but not irretrievable either.
I don't disagree with anything you've said, but to me, enthusiasm has to be part of sex. Continual rejection or disinterest is awful hard on anyone, at its worse it's a form of emotional abuse. (I honestly think enthusiasm has to be part of any shared life, you need to look forward to spending time together, doing things together, not just sex etc.)
OP, is your wife enthusiastic about other parts of your life together?0 -
OP it's just part of life. In my humble opinion it's hard for humans to stay sexually attracted to each other for too long. In all fairness I don't know too many 50 year olds that I find very attractive that doesn't mean you don't love them. You love them as the mother or father of your kids, someone in your corner no matter what. Someone you can talk to and go through life stuggles with and they are plenty. I do find a few glasses of wine or a few beers helps the situation and can get things moving now and again and I know a few couples that smoke the odd joint occasionally and that helps as well. Hard to beat the old bath and a few candals and a few glasses of wine still works down here.0
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[Deleted User] wrote: »I don't disagree with anything you've said, but to me, enthusiasm has to be part of sex. Continual rejection or disinterest is awful hard on anyone, at its worse it's a form of emotional abuse. (I honestly think enthusiasm has to be part of any shared life, you need to look forward to spending time together, doing things together, not just sex etc.)
OP, is your wife enthusiastic about other parts of your life together?
Enthusiasm for life is a very attractive quality, be that passionate about stuff, their life together, or sex (not necessarily in that order!).
This is from poster electro on pg 1. I’m thinking they’ve summarised it very well:
Do you see the parallel between how you're engaging with doing your share in the house and how she engages in sex? To humour her, out of duty, almost to prove that that's not actually the problem. Even if you do now manage to know where your shirts are all by yourself like a big boy, you know from your own experience how unsatisfying that kind of a reaction to a need is.
Maybe they’ve both got into a rut of feeling not heard. Maybe both need to make a move towards the other. Or more of a move toward the other. As it’s the OP’s thread, and we’re not addressing his wife, im going to suggest that he moves more towards her position (on a long term basis). I don’t know if that will solve the issues he’s experiencing, but surely it has to help.0 -
Apologies I replied to the thread earlier and the message failed to post for some reason.
Thank you for the constructive messages, particularly Matthew for defending me and cyclepath-I've ordered that book already. That's my next step.
To answer a few things-we have a cleaner, I work full time, my wife took a leave of absence two years ago and then had it extended.
With regard to not believing my wife's reasons-the reasons I have listed are the most common things she has stated during the discussions we have on the matter. She might say it's due to her being too tired this week, if we've another discussion next week it might be because of housework. She's inconsistent with her reasons. Secondly, and much more importantly, I don't believe her reasons but I have given her the benefit of the doubt and acted on them as if I did. I was against the cleaner (it's too middle class for my liking) but I gave it the go ahead, likewise with the extension on the leave of absence. Plus I would have thought that we always shared the housework fairly reasonably, obviously since she's been at home full time she has done more than me but when we are both here I know I do my fair share. I'm home more than most people in full time employment.
The 'mammying'- Some household chores she does exclusively, some I do exclusively. She does the ironing, hence I do from time to time ask her where a shirt is. I do all the DIY, if she asks me to change a bulb I don't consider it 'daddying.' I would have thought that's fairly normal.
I've suggested going to see a therapist but it was dismissed. It's not something I'd be comfortable with either but I would have been willing to try.
Lastly, thank you again for the constructive advice. I'm going to start with that book and see where that takes me.
I would like to say that some of the replies seemed to be a little sexist I'm sorry to say. I was encouraged to post having read a similar thread where the OP was female and 100% of the replies were positive and constructive. One of the posters deduced that I was an 'absent father and husband.' Others said that I expect more sex because I started doing a bit of housework which is untrue. I just want my wife to want to have sex with me.0 -
I was in a long-term relationship and towards the end, the sex was non-existent and I would think my ex would blame me entirely for it. And while I’ll take some of the blame, it takes two to tango.
He would often give out about how we weren’t having sex like we did at the start. That’s an unrealistic goal to be fair. As a relationship grows & develops, that lusty 3 month honeymoon wanes a bit. But that was always the comparison and the pressure.
He also sulked so badly and was passive aggressive if he was annoyed with me. That could go on for days with me trying to get out of him what was wrong and eventually a long discussion would be had and when he felt okay, suddenly things were back to normal. So on his terms he’d want sex and would get pisssd off if I wasn’t in the mood because I had spent 3 days cajoling a grumpy overgrown child. Not a turn on!!!
I eventually got weary and I hold my hand up, just couldn’t be bothered with sex anymore. I might be tired or not in the mood but the difference was, I couldn’t be bothered trying to get in the mood.
One thing, from the side who became uninterested, I do agree that you should be pulling your weight and helping out. Don’t become another child for her. It’s not a turn on. Even in this feminist world, most women still want their men to be men - not necessarily physically (ie. getting beefed up in the gym) - but be the man in the house.
Don’t pressurise or expect sex. The ex above, there was one night we were going to a gig and staying in a hotel. We were younger so didn’t get much alone time. Because of that, the expectation was always hotel = sex, no matter how I was feeling. That day, I mentioned I was a bit down in the dumps etc and basically implied I doubt I’d be in the mood. This particular time, he was cool with that and the pressure was off. We went out, had fun and when we went back to the hotel and there was zero expectation, we were just having a laugh and goofing off and the lack of pressure became such a turn on. It even took me by surprise.
So maybe, go back to the start, when ye were first dating. How did you act? Did you go on date nights? Did you hug, kiss, hold hands? Maybe do that again, without the expectation. Give her a massage, a long kiss without it turning into more. Play a little hard to get.
It’s so easy for people to get stuck in a rut and a routine and really hard to get out of it but communication is key - that can be hard too as it so often descends into a fight.
Bit of a ramble there but hope you get things back on track OP0 -
Mod warning:
@kerryjack, I've deleted your post as it falls well below the standard allowed in PI. Please have a read of the charter before posting again, otherwise you'll risk getting a card.
FYI OP, I've approved your posts now. Please just be aware that it takes time for anonymous posts to appear, as they have to be approved by the mods first.0 -
Even if you do now manage to know where your shirts are all by yourself like a big boy, you know from your own experience how unsatisfying that kind of a reaction to a need is.
Maybe they’ve both got into a rut of feeling not heard. Maybe both need to make a move towards the other. Or more of a move toward the other. As it’s the OP’s thread, and we’re not addressing his wife, im going to suggest that he moves more towards her position (on a long term basis). I don’t know if that will solve the issues he’s experiencing, but surely it has to help.
Sorry, but this is the bit that annoys me. We always hear about how the male partner is a manchild who can't find his shirts. And yes that's sometimes a valid point, But there are just as many examples of the female partner being incapable.
For example my partner is crap at personal finances and doesn't know where the website is to renew her motor tax, or pay her credit card online. She doesn't know where the batteries are for the smoke alarm, or the where the bulbs are for the 279 lamps we have from IKEA. She doesn't know where the hedge trimmer is kept, or the oil and windscreen wash for her car, etc etc etc. I can think of literally hundred of jobs that are mine and not hers. She's also **** at ironing so I do my own shirts btw.
But, I love her madly for all of her other great qualities, and I don't refuse to have sex with her just because she annoys me sometimes.0 -
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OP, if your gut instinct is telling you that she’s not being fully honest with you, then there’s probably something to it.
You seemed to have talked about the issue a lot.
If you feel like you’ve done your best and are still unhappy in your marriage, then maybe it’s time to act, but no one else can tell you how to proceed.0
![[Deleted User]](/applications/dashboard/design/images/defaulticon.png)
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