Husband stopped initiating

LegacyUser

Hi,

I know I’m at fault here. After about a decade or so of me rejecting my husbands advances for sex he’s finally stopped initiating. I got what i asked for and I hate it. He would ask me for sex 2-3 times a week, we normally did it 1-2 times a month which was more than enough for me but never enough for him.

Now, after 10 years of that routine he doesn’t even ask anymore. I know I’m at fault, i know years of rejection have hurt him and at this stage it’s probably easier for him not to ask than to be rejected. He even turned me down last time when i initiated. I’m literally watching my marriage fall apart in front of me and i honestly don’t see how i can fix it at this stage. Its all my fault and i feel so bad. Has anyone been here before?

Rubberchikken

Hi op
Can you speak to him tell him what you said here in your post. Listen to him. And basically see where things go after that. If you both want the marriage to work some communication is needed imo.
Good luck

Mongfinder General

Ten years is a long stretch but it wasn’t completely devoid of intimacy. In the absence of, or lack of sex, some men will lose interest and turn to online porn or another sexual partner. You should let him know how you feel but you may not like what he has to say in response.

LegacyUser

You won't like this but I find your post extremely self indulgent. You pretty much rejected him for 10 years and are hurt he turns you down the one time you approach him.

You didn't seem to care until it happened to you but were fine with treating him that way for years, chipping away at his self esteem and not caring in the least.

You can't just turn it on and off whenever it suits you. What did you expect to happen? You took him for granted and only care now when it suits you. He didn't ruin your marriage you did.

At best,he has tuned out completely. Alternatively he is getting it elsewhere and it would be difficult to blame him if he is.

The time for communicating was years ago and you are more than in the back foot here. He probably has years of resentment build up, probably doesn't feel great and probably has a lot of question marks over you.

The only glimmer of hope is that he hasn't left you yet but that may be for the kids or financial reasons. You need to see things from his point of view and start talking, possibly even relationship counselling.

I wish you the best but you caused this and be prepared that he may no longer want to fix it.

osarusan

What exactly do you want to fix? Or what would it look like when it was 'fixed'? To go back to when you he was looking for sex and you were rejecting him?

If you actually wanted to have sex with him, you'd have been doing so for the last 10 years, more than once or twice a month. That is the fundamental issue here for him, but not for you.

You see this as a problem that started a few weeks ago (or whenever he stopped initiating). He sees it as a problem that started a decade ago.

Idle Passerby

You say your watching your marriage fall apart but I suspect it fell apart a good while ago, you've only just noticed it now.

I'm curious what has changed for you that you've developed a libido that was previously absent? Presumably you aren't just looking to go back to twice a month, knowing your husband was unhappy with that. If you are that seems very callous to ignore his unhappiness for a decade and then get put out when he finally throws in the towel.

Dog day

OP, to be quite blunt your viewpoint seems totally illogical to me.

Do you infact miss rejecting him? The inherent power in being the person continually in control? Given you wanted/accepted having sex with him so rarely I’m struggling to see what it is you want now?

A decade is a very long time to sexually reject someone & should you try to make amends now be prepared for it to be either a long road ahead or for him not to want to even try. To be blunt you don’t deserve an easy outcome here.

Your post smacks of a total lack of depth of thought as to how damaged your husband may be from this. It’s rare I’m this harsh here but I have little to no sympathy for you. Try talking directly to him but not before really analysing what you actually want. Should you temporarily start having more sex but then revert to rejecting him again you’re likely to cause him even more hurt.

guy2231

After all that rejection he probably turned to Escort Ireland.ie website like so many married men do and if you check the website and see how cheap and good looking the girls are on there you will find it easy to see why he has no interest in you anymore sexually.

I'd say listen to the first reply to your post.

Good luck.

Screwthebeast

Random Poster wrote: »

You won't like this but I find your post extremely self indulgent. You pretty much rejected him for 10 years and are hurt he turns you down the one time you approach him.

You didn't seem to care until it happened to you but were fine with treating him that way for years, chipping away at his self esteem and not caring in the least.

You can't just turn it on and off whenever it suits you. What did you expect to happen? You took him for granted and only care now when it suits you. He didn't ruin your marriage you did.

At best,he has tuned out completely. Alternatively he is getting it elsewhere and it would be difficult to blame him if he is.

The time for communicating was years ago and you are more than in the back foot here. He probably has years of resentment build up, probably doesn't feel great and probably has a lot of question marks over you.

The only glimmer of hope is that he hasn't left you yet but that may be for the kids or financial reasons. You need to see things from his point of view and start talking, possibly even relationship counselling.

I wish you the best but you caused this and be prepared that he may no longer want to fix it.

This

FromADistance

Missmiss1 wrote: »

Hi,

I know I’m at fault here. After about a decade or so of me rejecting my husbands advances for sex he’s finally stopped initiating. I got what i asked for and I hate it. He would ask me for sex 2-3 times a week, we normally did it 1-2 times a month which was more than enough for me but never enough for him.

Now, after 10 years of that routine he doesn’t even ask anymore. I know I’m at fault, i know years of rejection have hurt him and at this stage it’s probably easier for him not to ask than to be rejected. He even turned me down last time when i initiated. I’m literally watching my marriage fall apart in front of me and i honestly don’t see how i can fix it at this stage. Its all my fault and i feel so bad. Has anyone been here before?

What are you looking for people to tell you? You acknowledge your behaviour but yet you're looking for a 'view'. You know exactly what you need to do... talk to your husband... and hope he's tolerant to your intolerance over the last 10 years.

Ten years of quotidian humiliation of your husband. Followed by the "poor me" here. All those days and nights humiliating that man. The hours, weeks, months and years he has lain next to you feeling small and lonely. Afraid to touch, but craving the touch of the woman he loved. Craving softness, kindness, touch. But withering. Isolated. Unloved. On the verge, so many times, of waking you up as he lay there after another rejection to say "It's over; I'm leaving". But he had to learn to live with the humiliation usually due to awareness of the financial and legal repercussions in our sexist legal system.

So he stayed, and died some more. And the years passed. And the pain created a deep well of sadness in his being, in his marrow. That he had to learn to live with, and carry that loneliness around with him. The lightness of the man in love was no more. Each rejection built that wall higher. It was all, above all else, so, so unnecessary.

And then amid the indignity and humiliation and despair he finally had to save himself from drowning in that abusive relationship (and let's call it what it is). In that necessity he found out how to liberate himself from wanting you. That moment when you get your old spring in your step back and decide to free yourself. You remember your value, your positives, your worth. You remember where you were that moment, the weather was sunnier and you were feeling physically and mentally alive like you hadn't felt in years when you made that decision. To be free again. To raise your head high in the world again. To be free.

Far, far too many people like the op treating their partners like this. For years.

XsApollo

Random Poster wrote: »

You won't like this but I find your post extremely self indulgent. You pretty much rejected him for 10 years and are hurt he turns you down the one time you approach him.

You didn't seem to care until it happened to you but were fine with treating him that way for years, chipping away at his self esteem and not caring in the least.

You can't just turn it on and off whenever it suits you. What did you expect to happen? You took him for granted and only care now when it suits you. He didn't ruin your marriage you did.

At best,he has tuned out completely. Alternatively he is getting it elsewhere and it would be difficult to blame him if he is.

The time for communicating was years ago and you are more than in the back foot here. He probably has years of resentment build up, probably doesn't feel great and probably has a lot of question marks over you.

The only glimmer of hope is that he hasn't left you yet but that may be for the kids or financial reasons. You need to see things from his point of view and start talking, possibly even relationship counselling.

I wish you the best but you caused this and be prepared that he may no longer want to fix it.

This exactly.

I’ve been there , packed my bags and left.

Seriously you were hurt after 1 rejection and you just said you rejected him for a decade.

JustAThought

were you as callous and dismissive of him during the day as well as in the privacy of your bed at night OP? I cannot understand what you hope to recover now - ten years after your rejection and intimate cruelty started. How could you be so cruel and never inna decade think to correct or discuss it. Was it power and control for you? Having crushed him completely you now want to toy with him and have him pleasure you. I cannot comprehend your level of casual cruelty or selfishness. I’d be surprised if talk can fix the damage you have done at this stage. Do you just want what you cannot have now or is it about the chase? TBH you sound like you couldn’t care less about him - just your bi-monthy service and wanting to be desired.

If you can be honest I’d have a long hard look at your motivations for suddenly wanting him now. He sounds irrelevant to you other than as a provider or function to make you feel good about yourself. I think its therapy you need and not to save your marriage, but to save your self. If I was speaking to him I’d be saying to run & keep running. Why would you do that to someone you say you love & cherish? What you did to him was just inhumane.

fits

Wow the posts are really hard on OP. Unfairly so imo. People aren’t obliged to have sex every time their partner feels like it which is the undercurrent on here sometimes. They still were intimate a couple of times a month.

OP you’re just going to have to talk openly with him. Maybe schedule it in?

Dtp1979

Dog day wrote: »

OP, to be quite blunt your viewpoint seems totally illogical to me.

Do you infact miss rejecting him? The inherent power in being the person continually in control? Given you wanted/accepted having sex with him so rarely I’m struggling to see what it is you want now?

A decade is a very long time to sexually reject someone & should you try to make amends now be prepared for it to be either a long road ahead or for him not to want to even try. To be blunt you don’t deserve an easy outcome here.

Your post smacks of a total lack of depth of thought as to how damaged your husband may be from this. It’s rare I’m this harsh here but I have little to no sympathy for you. Try talking directly to him but not before really analysing what you actually want. Should you temporarily start having more sex but then revert to rejecting him again you’re likely to cause him even more hurt.

Nail on the head!!

fits

Dtp1979 wrote: »

Nail on the head!!

Yes she should have jumped on him every time he looked at her sideways no matter what else might be going on in their lives.

This thread is crazy!

Dtp1979

fits wrote: »

Yes she should have jumped on him every time he looked at her sideways no matter what else might be going on in their lives.

This thread is crazy!

That has NOTHING to do with the post I agreed with. Don’t know where you’re pulling that from.

I think she misses rejecting him and can’t handle it tbh. Can’t handle not being in control. After 10 years she all of a sudden gets her sex drive back, coincidentally at the same time hubby stops wanting her. Yeahhhh.

fits

Dtp1979 wrote: »

That has NOTHING to do with the post I agreed with. Don’t know where you’re pulling that from.

The post you agreed with says she rejected her husband sexually for a decade - she didn’t. They were still intimate every month. She is not obliged to match his libido either.

Dtp1979

fits wrote: »

The post you agreed with says she rejected her husband sexually for a decade - she didn’t. They were still intimate every month. She is not obliged to match his libido either.

If he tried it on 2-3 times a week, and probably reluctantly, let’s say 12-15 times a month, and she rejected him 10-12 times a month, that’s a lot of rejection.

fits

Dtp1979 wrote: »

If he tried it on 2-3 times a week, and probably reluctantly, let’s say 12-15 times a month, and she rejected him 10-12 times a month, that’s a lot of rejection.

Poor little pet.

There’s few enough couples having sex 3-4 times a week after ten years. Much as the men of boards.Ie may not like to hear it.

Dtp1979

fits wrote: »

Poor little pet.

There’s few enough couples having sex 3-4 times a week after ten years. Much as the men of boards.Ie may not like to hear it.

Well, regardless of what you may think, the op herself is admitting fault.

Gary kk

fits wrote: »

Poor little pet.

There’s few enough couples having sex 3-4 times a week after ten years. Much as the men of boards.Ie may not like to hear it.

Poor little pet?

fits

Gary kk wrote: »

Poor little pet?

That’s more a response to the attitudes in this thread than anything else tbh.

kowloonkev

fits wrote: »

Poor little pet.

There’s few enough couples having sex 3-4 times a week after ten years. Much as the men of boards.Ie may not like to hear it.

But it's not about 'after' ten years. The OP said this was the case from the start of the marriage basically.

Obviously she wasn't ready for the commitment of marriage.

fits

kowloonkev wrote: »

But it's not about 'after' ten years. The OP said this was the case from the start of the marriage basically.

Obviously she wasn't ready for the commitment of marriage.

The commitment of marriage is not obligation to have sex every time the other partner feels like it. She has needs too. His needs are not the default.

I wonder about this place sometimes.

shesty

OP you need to have a hard conversation with your husband.That's the starting point.Ask him is this something he wants to save.Own up to the fact that maybe you should have tried a bit harder and that you now realise how it feels.And take it from there.There will hopefully be a middle ground you can agree on.
Do you have kids?

irelandrover

fits wrote: »

The post you agreed with says she rejected her husband sexually for a decade - she didn’t. They were still intimate every month. She is not obliged to match his libido either.

But she did reject him, several times a week. Maybe she should have told him that she couldn't match his libido and that 1-2 times a month was enough for her.

It seems in the op that she didn't really care about rejection until it affected her.

fits

irelandrover wrote: »

But she did reject him, several times a week. Maybe she should have told him that she couldn't match his libido and that 1-2 times a month was enough for her.

.

Well yes, communication is important and some sort of compromise.

I’m taking view of OP that she’s taking excess blame on herself as many women do.

Dog day

fits wrote: »

Yes she should have jumped on him every time he looked at her sideways no matter what else might be going on in their lives.

This thread is crazy!

That’s an incredibly simplistic view of the point I was making. The OP herself knows she has treated her husband poorly but in my opinion shows a lack of understanding as to just how badly affected he may be. My point was to get her to really analyse the reasons why she’s now had some change of heart, my take on this is that she’s not being entirely sincere & to acknowledge the hurt she’s likely caused her husband.

irelandrover

fits wrote: »

Well yes, communication is important and some sort of compromise.

I’m taking view of OP that she’s taking excess blame on herself as many women do.

Honestly, your point seems to be that they should only have had sex when it suited her, that she isn't responsible for matching his libido.

But they are in a marriage and she should care about his needs and feelings. She knew something was wrong but it's only now that she's on the wrong side of it that she's interested in fixing it.

Pawwed Rig

OP honestly I think your more upset by your loss of control than anything else. You demonstrated quite clearly over the years that his well being was no concern to you and I doubt that this has changed now. 9 and a half years ago was the time to address these issues.

Despite what others are presuming no one actually said you are obliged to have sex everytime one partner wants it however such a mismatch in expectations is something that needed to be addressed a long time ago and was inevitably going to cause problems.

This marriage CAN be saved however from your previous record it does not seem evident that you have any interest in saving it on anything more than a superficial level.

osarusan

fits wrote: »

People aren’t obliged to have sex every time their partner feels like it which is the undercurrent on here sometimes.

fits wrote: »

Yes she should have jumped on him every time he looked at her sideways no matter what else might be going on in their lives.

fits wrote: »

The commitment of marriage is not obligation to have sex every time the other partner feels like it.

Nobody is saying anything like that. Nobody has mentioned any kind of obligation to have sex in any way.

I have no idea why you are misrepresenting posters like this.

notAMember

Fits is right, This thread is nuts!!

This was a difference in sex drive and a husband who is now playing silly beggars , pouting and giving silent treatment instead of communicating.

You don’t owe anyone sex on demand OP, no one does. Both parties still get to consent when married. You were not outright rejecting him for ten years, you clearly say you were having sex on your terms multiple times a month. This is completely normal, people have many reasons for not wanting sex at a particular moment. A lot of men and women find sex during menstruation unpleasant for example.

Communication is key to any marriage. Expect him to talk about it. Arrange counselling if he will go.

Dog day

Also fits you seem to be the only person here that has made pejorative statements regarding gender. This is of no help to the OP & shows a linear mindset in relation to the issue which runs far deeper than sex in & of itself.

Pawwed Rig

notAMember wrote: »

This is completely normal, people have many reasons for not wanting sex at a particular moment. A lot of men and women find sex during menstruation unpleasant for example.

Communication is key to any marriage. Expect him to talk about it. Arrange counselling if he will go.

Definitely not normal other than in dysfunctional abusive relationships. Even the OP is admitting as much

joe40

I think some of the responses here have been unnecessarily harsh. (especially the one saying the husband is probably using escort.ie)

The op definitely could have done better but sex 1 or 2 a month isn't a loveless marriage. We don't know if there was other intimacy involved.

My advice would be to definitely talk, would have been better years ago but do so now.

notAMember

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Definitely not normal other than in dysfunctional abusive relationships. Even the OP is admitting as much

You think consent is not normal? I don’t have any response to that except I’m afraid we disagree.

OP is taking blame where there is none to take.

OP, maybe the question is HOW did you reject advances? Did you explain your reasons, postpone, or were you cruel.

Pawwed Rig

notAMember wrote: »

You think consent is not normal? I don’t have any response to that except I’m afraid we disagree.

That is a fairly dishonest take on what I posted. If you want to post honestly I will engage with you. Otherwise not.

Wanderer78

joe40 wrote:

I think some of the responses here have been unnecessarily harsh. (especially the one saying the husband is probably using escort.ie)

Some people are just absolute arseholes on the Internets, I don't know what kick they get out of trying to upset another human who's clearly upset, they're clearly far more fcuked up!

Op, please don't blame yourself, these things happen, as others have said, communicate, communicate, communicate, and maybe consider couples counselling, just to see what's going on there. I'd imagine both of you are now very upset about the current situation, and maybe blaming each other, these things can be resolved, best of luck

Gary kk

Leave out numbers of times a month. It's about how they were rejected. Was kindly or less so?
Was there any intimacy between?

I mean if you were kind to him it's not your fault it's just been humans. We are all different.

sydthebeat

notAMember wrote: »

You think consent is not normal? I don’t have any response to that except I’m afraid we disagree.

OP is taking blame where there is none to take.

OP, maybe the question is HOW did you reject advances? Did you explain your reasons, postpone, or were you cruel.

That's a pretty disgraceful twisting and misrepresentation of what was posted. No one is saying the OP should have to do something without consent. The main point is the OP was happy to reject her husbands advances for years, to the point he is now completely disinterested, and she'd is mainly to blame for this, she says so herself.

PmMeUrDogs

Do you want to have sex with your husband?

If yes, do you want to go back to once a month, or a more regular sex life?

Do you have the libido for once or twice a week, or is this an idea to keep your husband?


If you WANT more regular sex, want to initiate, want to sleep with your husband regularly, then talk to him.

If you just want him back and are willing to "endure" it, or just want to go back to once a month and frequently rejecting him, then you need to talk about ending your marriage because ten years of rejection has probably ruined his self esteem and any love for you tbh

Pawwed Rig

1-2 times a month is not multiple btw.
I see a few posters jumping on the word multiple rather than using the stark figure that is once or twice.

BillyBiggs

Have you gained weight over the past ten years. Could that be a turn off for him?

lonestargirl

It’s not just about the frequency though. She has not initiated for a decade, initiating tells someone that they are wanted, desired. If my partner never expressed those feelings to me it would hugely erode my feelings about myself.

As a late 30s single women I’ve heard this story a million times. Mostly from guys on dating sites, who generally don’t want to be there but have reached breaking point. Hopefully you can rescue this before it reaches that point.

Nobody deserves sex, but they deserve respect for their feelings and you seem to have scant regard for his here.

notAMember

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

That is a fairly dishonest take on what I posted. If you want to post honestly I will engage with you. Otherwise not.

Well what did you think was not normal then, as that was the whole point of my post?

If you Elaborate…

notAMember

lonestargirl wrote: »

It’s not just about the frequency though. She has not initiated for a decade, initiating tells someone that they are wanted, desired. If my partner never expressed those feelings to me it would hugely erode my feelings about myself.

Sounds like she hardly got the chance though, if he was pestering her as much as she says. She clearly has a sex drive, wants intimacy.

It’s the usual relationship issue tbh. Communication.

PmMeUrDogs

notAMember wrote: »

Sounds like she hardly got the chance though, if he was pestering her as much as she says. She clearly has a sex drive, wants intimacy.

It’s the usual relationship issue tbh. Communication.

He tried to initiate twice a week... Sounds like she had 5 other days a week in which she COULD initiate if she chose to

shesty

Mod Note
Wandering way off-course here folks.Can you address the OP please and address individual posts rather than the posters.
S

osarusan

lonestargirl wrote: »

It’s not just about the frequency though. She has not initiated for a decade, initiating tells someone that they are wanted, desired. If my partner never expressed those feelings to me it would hugely erode my feelings about myself.

This is spot on I think, and why a focus on frequency is missing the point a bit.

It's absolutely natural to want to be wanted, desired, considered attractive, and it's got to be soul-destroying to be attracted to somebody and want to have sex with them, yet, to know that they are not attracted to you and have no real interest in sex.

At this point, the OP's partner knows that the OP is not only not attracted to him, but also that she is fine with that. She's content not being attracted to him, it's not something that she had any desire to change.

Or at least, she was content with it until he stopped initiating. Then, and only then, did it become a problem.

So the question for the OP is what exactly is the problem here? It's not the lack of attraction to their husband - that has been going on for years and was not an issue (for the OP at least). As I asked earlier, what would things look like after they are 'fixed'?

Posters are saying they need to talk to each other, to communicate, but I can't really think of anything the OP could say to their partner that would fix this to be honest.