Would extra weight put you off a guy?

Flinty997

Dial Hard wrote: »

Honestly, OP, I genuinely don't think the weight is the issue with this guy - you just don't fancy him, ....

I would agree.

Flinty997

volchitsa wrote: »

Or maybe if she doesn't take it any further, and then sees him in 6 months' time with somebody else, having lost the weight? :eek:

All the what-ifs are pointless. One thing she can't do, IMV, is make the relationship dependent on him losing weight. That would be really unhealthy.

What the OP needs to do IMO is work out for herself why she's so hesitant - and I still think her mentioning the girlfriend whose opinion is making her cringe in advance shows that other people's opinions have a lot more to do with it than she's allowed herself to admit.

Otherwise she wouldn't be hesitating - she'd know the relationship wasn't a goer for her. Obviously just IMO, but it's the impression I've been getting from the start.

That was kinda my point. It's not about the weight. If he loses it, or doesn't there are no guarantees you'd find them attractive then if you don't now.

So it's really about not being attracted to them now. Which they don't. That's really the end of it. This is a friendship not a romance.

I couldn't date someone I wasn't physically attracted to. I mean, that's called a friend, right?

leggo

I think there’s a few different things at play, there usually is when you get people who are like “I don’t fancy someone but I also think I should keep them around and either try change them/myself to make it fit.”

Short-term: you should absolutely finish this. This situation isn’t going to get better and what you’re describing isn’t how good relationships start. All that this is leading towards if you persist is probably you hurting and/or damaging him.

Then I think it’s worthwhile going down the rabbit hole as to why you have this attitude OP. Not why you didn’t fancy someone...but why you didn’t fancy someone but wanted to perhaps keep dating them? If you’re super honest with yourself I’d say there’s a LOT there that’ll help you understand things and make dating a lot more straightforward for you in future.

volchitsa

leggo wrote: »

I think there’s a few different things at play, there usually is when you get people who are like “I don’t fancy someone but I also think I should keep them around and either try change them/myself to make it fit.”

Short-term: you should absolutely finish this. This situation isn’t going to get better and what you’re describing isn’t how good relationships start. All that this is leading towards if you persist is probably you hurting and/or damaging him.

Then I think it’s worthwhile going down the rabbit hole as to why you have this attitude OP. Not why you didn’t fancy someone...but why you didn’t fancy someone but wanted to perhaps keep dating them? If you’re super honest with yourself I’d say there’s a LOT there that’ll help you understand things and make dating a lot more straightforward for you in future.

Yes I think you're right. There's a lot going on here in the OP's own head, but this guy should not be made her guinea pig to see if she can fix it herself. In fact when she says the dating scene isn't working out for her, I wonder if all of this doesn't all play into that.

Sorry to be a bit blunt, OP, but I think you need to sort your own headspace out first, and then your dating problems will probably be sorted too.

(Full disclosure - I know nothing about today's dating scene having been happily married for over 25 years, but I'm assuming it's much like back in my day except hopefully with more frequent sex, lol)

TracyFlick

volchitsa wrote: »

Yes I think you're right. There's a lot going on here in the OP's own head, but this guy should not be made her guinea pig to see if she can fix it herself. In fact when she says the dating scene isn't working out for her, I wonder if all of this doesn't all play into that.

Sorry to be a bit blunt, OP, but I think you need to sort your own headspace out first, and then your dating problems will probably be sorted too.

(Full disclosure - I know nothing about today's dating scene having been happily married for over 25 years, but I'm assuming it's much like back in my day except hopefully with more frequent sex, lol)

My guinea pig? I've been on 3 dates with the guy. You'd swear from some of the responses here that I've been stringing him along for 2 years.

My own headspace is fine, thanks, but no, your assumptions around dating are incorrect. I find modern dating complete shit, I never click with anyone. So forgive me for not wanting to just give up on this guy after an hour. Plus I already stated that he is very chilled out and confident in himself, he's not some delicate flower who's going to be destroyed from me saying we're better off as friends, after 3 dates.

Oh yes, so much sex during a year of level 5 lockdown when people well into their 30s are stuck living at home because of broken housing policy.

I'm sure you don't mean to offend, but I find these types of comments from someone who's been "happily married for 25 years" a bit patronising.

volchitsa

TracyFlick wrote: »

My guinea pig? I've been on 3 dates with the guy. You'd swear from some of the responses here that I've been stringing him along for 2 years.

My own headspace is fine, thanks, but no, your assumptions around dating are incorrect. I find modern dating complete shit, I never click with anyone. So forgive me for not wanting to just give up on this guy after an hour. Plus I already stated that he is very chilled out and confident in himself, he's not some delicate flower who's going to be destroyed from me saying we're better off as friends, after 3 dates.

Oh yes, so much sex during a year of level 5 lockdown when people well into their 30s are stuck living at home because of broken housing policy.

I'm sure you don't mean to offend, but I find these types of comments from someone who's been "happily married for 25 years" a bit patronising.

I don't mean to offend, and I'm sorry you took it that way, but you did ask for people's views. I really don't have any further advice than "do whatever you think best". I'm just a little puzzled as to why you bothered asking in the first place.

TracyFlick

TracyFlick wrote: »

. I find modern dating complete shit, I never click with anyone.

I was the same until recently, when I met someone I clicked with. It's a numbers game unfortunately, you just got to keep going until you strike gold.

YellowLead

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I was the same until recently, when I met someone I clicked with. It's a numbers game unfortunately, you just got to keep going until you strike gold.

This exactly.
When the physical attraction isn’t there I really don’t think it will magically appear, so even though it’s super hard to find people you click with - you’ve got to keep going and trying until you find somebody you click with that you find attractive. Otherwise it’s really just that you like him as a friend. I’ve been there before, thinking that physical attraction might appear in time since the mental connection was there but it never has and so if it’s not there from the get go I move on.
Good luck OP!

For what it’s worth I think some of the responses have been harsh, but that’s probably down to how you phrased things - ie if your thread title was more like ‘dating a guy whose personality I like but don’t feel physically attracted, what to do?’ ot might have come across better. I don’t think there was a need to hone in on the weight specifically from the get go as physical attraction depends on a lot of factors. I thought I’d never date a guy shorter than me for example, and if somebody was I wouldn’t swipe on them. But I met somebody I liked who is shorter and for some reason with him to doesn’t matter, as I’m just attracted plain and simple. Not having a go at you btw. It’s just I can understand why some of the responses were a tad OTT.

osarusan

I actually think the situation is simpler and less layered than others seem to believe. You've met a guy that ticks lots of boxes, but you're not attracted to him because of his weight, and you wonder if that's a good enough reason to end things with a guy who otherwise seems a great fit for you.

OP, your head seems fairly screwed on to me. You don't have any fantasies about 'fixing' this guy, changing him to your liking. You seem to understand that you accept him as he is, or end things.

But the reality of it all is that you just don't fancy him. There's nothing wrong with that at all, it's just how you feel.

bitofabind

On reading your updates, the wider context seems to be that you are completely frustrated by the dating scene and that's why you're reluctant to part with a decent guy who you connected with over something seemingly trivial like weight.

Dating sucks for most single people at certain stages. I was single for years, did the apps in about 4 different countries and it's the same everywhere. 90% "meh" dates with 10% he-likes-me-and-I'm-not-feeling-it or vice versa. It's hard when you've had a line of non-starters to judge every new guy in isolation of that frustration, but you simply have to. And you can only doing that by asking yourself, what do you want in a partner? What are your needs in a relationship? What does attraction look like for you?

For me, anything that stuck and worked never presented me with the question mark that you seem to have. And it was never love/lust at first sight either as that doesn't tend to be what attraction looks like for me. It was more slow-burning, but on each date I knew that I wanted to see that person again. There was a curiosity there beyond friendship or "that's a nice person". Something compelling us to see each other again.

My sense here is that you're overthinking this because that compelling feeling or moment of je ne sais quoi isn't there. But with the backlog of non-starters, you don't want to let a good guy get away. Read up on dating with a scarcity mindset because that's where you are. The "all the good men are gone" thing. It's not fair on you, it's not fair on this guy and it's not an objective reality either. What helped me with dating was to 1. detach from the outcome. Like "I might not meet anyone decent, so what. Life is great anyway", and 2. get clear on what I was looking for i.e decent, kind, funny but also my version of sexy.

Irish_rat

TracyFlick wrote: »

Thanks everyone for the quick responses. Yeah, if I think I'm being honest with myself, I'm not sexually attracted to him, for this reason. Yes I'm attracted to his personality so wanted to believe it's more complicated than that, but it really isn't. I'm just sick of feeling like Goldilocks when dating and don't want to be overly picky, but if you don't particularly want to hop into bed with someone, what's the point? Especially early on.

We've been on 3 dates now, is there any reason to give an explanation at this point or just say I don't see things going further?

If it's like that at the start then yeah I think it's best to move on.

Zebrag

Hi OP

This confuses me a little bit.

You've pointed out some positive qualities then proceeded to remark his weight that he currently has. Yes I understand being overweight leads into future health concerns but this is the weight he is now and presumably its been the weight he has been prior to meeting you (whether that's lockdown or just his general weight) but you obviously liked him for a reason and somehow his weight is out doing the positive?

"He could stand to lose at least 2 stone" - is that your perception or has he mentioned feeling like he should lose 2 stone himself?

If his weight bothered him and he's mentioned it himself then I could be inclined to agree that slowly introducing exercising dates as a means to explore other things would be fun but to mention his weight and your reason for not taking it further to me, is shallow (I'm sure other posters would agree) You liked him when you saw him so there was some physical attraction there, then obviously on various dates his weight has stated to bother you which is fine but this can't be the main factor to not take it further.

You've mentioned that his weight doesn't make you want to jump on him, then maybe the physical attraction isn't there and you liken him to a friend?

I'm not sure mentioning his weight as a means to not continue would be idealiaic to be fair. Unless he's already got weight issues and hasn't mentioned them yet maybe is a confidence issue on his part and could potentially be hoping you could look pass this and see him for who he really is.

That being said, had he been 2 stone lighter now and then as the relationship progressed and he put on 2 stone, would it still be an issue?

tara73

TracyFlick wrote: »

My guinea pig? I've been on 3 dates with the guy. You'd swear from some of the responses here that I've been stringing him along for 2 years.

My own headspace is fine, thanks, but no, your assumptions around dating are incorrect. I find modern dating complete shit, I never click with anyone. So forgive me for not wanting to just give up on this guy after an hour. Plus I already stated that he is very chilled out and confident in himself, he's not some delicate flower who's going to be destroyed from me saying we're better off as friends, after 3 dates.

Oh yes, so much sex during a year of level 5 lockdown when people well into their 30s are stuck living at home because of broken housing policy.

I'm sure you don't mean to offend, but I find these types of comments from someone who's been "happily married for 25 years" a bit patronising.

OP, you are completely right with this. Don't let yourself feel down from posts and please don't think you are a cow opening the thread as you mentioned earlier!

I can emphatise with you as I once was in a bit of a similar situation.

I thik one poster already had a very helpful tip: do you know why he put on the additional weigth? Do you know if he was always like that or was there a reason he put it on, i.e. stressful situations like break up, loosing job or anything like that?
If you would have answers (or maybe you have already) to these questions, I think that would make the decision to stick it out with him longer (or not) much easier.
Because it is as you said, not easy to click with somebody and it would be a pity you gave up on him although he might loose that weight in a few month.
Did he ever say something about his body himself or even his weight? If not, bit of a bad sign as he doesn't seem to bother about it and expect others that it's not bothering them too.

Tbh, most of the time I'm a fan of clearing things the direct way. So why not broach the subject? Especially as you said he's not a delicate flower. But I think you can also do it in writing, writing a sensitive e-mail, so he can react to it when he processed it and thought about it. I actually think doing it all of a sudden in an eye to eye meeting is the wrong way.

See how he reacts, if he's open to talk about it or plain offended or whatever. In a way you have nothing to loose, because if you just break up without broaching the subject, you loose him too and will ask yourself later if it was the right thing to do.

Dog day

[quote="tara73 Tbh, most of the time I'm a fan of clearing things the direct way. So why not broach the subject? Especially as you said he's not a delicate flower. But I think you can also do it in writing, writing a sensitive e-mail, so he can react to it when he processed it and thought about it. I actually think doing it all of a sudden in an eye to eye meeting is the wrong way. [/quote]

Totally disagree with the above advice. OP, you’ve only been on a few dates with this guy but the right & respectful thing to do for both of you is to just politely end things without commenting on his appearance & certainly not to send him anything detailed in writing. It’s unfortunate that you click with him in other ways but sexual attraction really isn’t something you can force. I think deep down you surely know this but I can totally understand your frustration given you like him in other ways. That’s just my two cents, best of luck.

tara73

Dog day wrote: »

Totally disagree with the above advice. OP, you’ve only been on a few dates with this guy but the right & respectful thing to do for both of you is to just politely end things without commenting on his appearance & certainly not to send him anything detailed in writing.

Maybe that was a bit unclear, what I meant is, not saying or sending anything now, after the three dates, but try to find out before why he put on this weight and how he stands to his body or his weight. I can't write down sentences to do this, I wouldn't do this in such a direct way either, more subtly, I hope the OP knows what I mean or can develop some own ideas how to do it.

Just an example, with my case of the 'bigger guy', I asked if I could look at photos when he was younger, just out of general curiosity.;)

And after gathering some more info, and being clear you want to take things further, broach the subject.

I know this things are tricky, but we actually don't know if the OP wouldn't fancy him without the additional weight. I actually read it she would, it's just the weight. I just can repeat myself that it would be a pity to break up if he would be open to start loosing that weight.

Dog day

I understand where you’re coming from tara73 but him losing weight should really be down to him wanting to himself & not preceded by any kind of uncomfortable broaching of the subject by someone whom he’s only been on a few dates with. He’s possibly happy as is he is & I don’t think the outlook is positive in any relationship that starts with one person needing the other to change.

volchitsa

tara73 wrote: »

Maybe that was a bit unclear, what I meant is, not saying or sending anything now, after the three dates, but try to find out before why he put on this weight and how he stands to his body or his weight. I can't write down sentences to do this, I wouldn't do this in such a direct way either, more subtly, I hope the OP knows what I mean or can develop some own ideas how to do it.

Just an example, with my case of the 'bigger guy', I asked if I could look at photos when he was younger, just out of general curiosity.;)

And after gathering some more info, and being clear you want to take things further, broach the subject.

I know this things are tricky, but we actually don't know if the OP wouldn't fancy him without the additional weight. I actually read it she would, it's just the weight. I just can repeat myself that it would be a pity to break up if he would be open to start loosing that weight.

And what if he put it on again afterwards - if their relationship is based on him losing weight that would imply that all bets are off if he ever puts it back on. Which, being honest, often happens.

I think it would be a terrible start to a relationship to start querying why he put on weight and whether he might be up for losing it. And TBF to the OP, she has said she would hate if someone did that to her so I think we can rule it out.

LegacyUser

Extra weight wouldn't necessarily put me off the right guy.

I once dated the nicest, most decent, funniest guy in the world. I genuinely adored him but just didn't find him attractive. I wanted to because everything else was so perfect & probably kept things going for longer than I should have in the hope the attraction would somehow magically appear.

The long & short of it is you cannot force yourself to fancy someone no matter how much you try. Leave him for someone who will find him attractive.

miamee

tara73 wrote: »

Maybe that was a bit unclear, what I meant is, not saying or sending anything now, after the three dates, but try to find out before why he put on this weight and how he stands to his body or his weight. I can't write down sentences to do this, I wouldn't do this in such a direct way either, more subtly, I hope the OP knows what I mean or can develop some own ideas how to do it.

Just an example, with my case of the 'bigger guy', I asked if I could look at photos when he was younger, just out of general curiosity.;)

And after gathering some more info, and being clear you want to take things further, broach the subject.

I know this things are tricky, but we actually don't know if the OP wouldn't fancy him without the additional weight. I actually read it she would, it's just the weight. I just can repeat myself that it would be a pity to break up if he would be open to start loosing that weight.

OP I would disregard this approach. He is the size/weight he is, you either like him right now as he is or you don't. How or why or when he 'put on' the weight is none of your business unless he wants to tell you and trying to sneakily see childhood pics as mentioned above to see if he was fat as a child is...something else.

volchitsa wrote: »

And what if he put it on again afterwards - if their relationship is based on him losing weight that would imply that all bets are off if he ever puts it back on. Which, being honest, often happens.

I think it would be a terrible start to a relationship to start querying why he put on weight and whether he might be up for losing it. And TBF to the OP, she has said she would hate if someone did that to her so I think we can rule it out.

I agree, an awful start to a relationship.

I have been in relationships with men of all sizes, size doesn't really come into it for me, from the very skinny to the overweight, if I find someone attractive, I find them attractive. And I think OP, if you were really into this guy or he was really into you, you would both know it after a few dates. Am assuming there has been no kissing or other intimacy as you haven't mentioned it which is unusual by 3rd date if you're into each other.

sunnyt1234

Hi OP,
Some really good advice here and IMO some awful advice. Do not broach or mention his weight to him at all. I am a bit overweight but I have thyroid issues and despite having a very healthy diet and exercising 4-5 times a week, I am 1.5-2stone overweight. I am not actually sure as I stopped weighing myself as it was so depressing! There may be reasons beyond laziness/poor diet as to why he is overweight but there isn't a person on the planet that lives in a larger body that is not aware that their body is larger than what society says is the norm.
I have a great husband that I met in my mid 30s online (after some horror stories!) and my weight does not bother him at all but he knows I try to be healthy and active. You said he drinks a lot and goes for walks/hikes-you say you aren't sporty but you sound like you do more than him. I think this level of compatibility links to attractiveness-what do you have in common and what would you enjoy doing together as the drinks and dinners are really only the start of dating.
Would you go on a hike with him? See how you get on away from drink and background crowds? I think you would get an idea of if you enjoy his company more and see how attracted you feel to him then?
The start of dating is so so hard and can only imagine how it must be after a year of lockdown. If you like him meet him sober, bring a picnic, go for a nice walk/hike and see how you feel. If he's not for you just tell him there isn't enough chemistry and you think there is a better match out there for both of you.
Good luck with it!

BuboBubo

We all have different types we are and aren't attracted to. Be it red hair, beards, whatever.

No need to feel guilty, but better to stop dating this guy and let him find someone who fancies him.