Would extra weight put you off a guy?

TracyFlick

I’ve been on a few dates with a guy. I’m 34F, he’s 38M. We get on great. Have lots in common and similar attitudes to lots of things, I already feel like I could chat away to him about anything. I do not underestimate how rarely I click with someone this way, I’ve had tumbleweeds dating wise for a long time now.

However, he could stand to lose at least 2 stone, more like 3. This bothers me. It doesn’t make me want to hop on him.

Should I carry on seeing him or not? Genuinely torn. At the back of my mind I’m also thinking, if he’s already got a fairly hefty paunch at 38, is it gonna be another 2 stone in 5 years time? I feel like I can’t tell him the real reason why I might end things here, I mean a man would never say that to a woman, even if that was the reason.

YellowLead

I don’t think you can expect strangers to help you with this query. Either you are attracted to him or you are not???

You like his personality but aren’t sexually attracted is what is comes down too.

I mean it obviously wasn’t enough to put you off repeat dates so there must be something there - are you repulsed by him physically? If not, you might be surprised at how much a mental connection can mean for sex , if you like him why not try the sex out and make your decision then.

Locotastic

TracyFlick wrote: »

I’ve been on a few dates with a guy. I’m 34F, he’s 38M. We get on great. Have lots in common and similar attitudes to lots of things, I already feel like I could chat away to him about anything. I do not underestimate how rarely I click with someone this way, I’ve had tumbleweeds dating wise for a long time now.

However, he could stand to lose at least 2 stone, more like 3. This bothers me. It doesn’t make me want to hop on him.

Should I carry on seeing him or not? Genuinely torn. At the back of my mind I’m also thinking, if he’s already got a fairly hefty paunch at 38, is it gonna be another 2 stone in 5 years time? I feel like I can’t tell him the real reason why I might end things here, I mean a man would never say that to a woman, even if that was the reason.

Are you attracted to him?

If yes then thinking about his possible future further weight gain or his current size shouldn't really come into it.

If no then you're not attracted to him and probably won't be regardless of his size.

Extra weight alone would not put me off being with someone, personally I'd prefer extra pounds than someone who's got a 'perfect' body but it's different for everyone.

I’d you’re not attracted then walk away for both your sakes. It won’t end well.

osarusan

The question is whether it puts you off a guy, and the answer is yes, the extra weight puts you off this guy.

frag420

How about looking at the size of his heart and not the size of his waist!!

Esse85

ReginaldSmythV wrote: »

I’d you’re not attracted then walk away for both your sakes. It won’t end well.

This.

OP, build up your pipeline and create more options.
The fact your posting about this online suggests you haven't enough options and your considering settling while another part of your brain is saying "fcuk that, I can do better than an overweight guy."

Taeholic

osarusan wrote: »

The question is whether it puts you off a guy, and the answer is yes, the extra weight puts you off this guy.

This is your answer in a nutshell. You don't find him attractive so let him find someone who does.

Buddy Bubs

It's something only you can answer...my fiance could lose a stone but doesn't turn me off her at all. And she's young with no kids so potential for more weight gain is obviously there. Doesn't bother me, she's pretty active so may or may not happen. You seem to like him otherwise

TracyFlick

Thanks everyone for the quick responses. Yeah, if I think I'm being honest with myself, I'm not sexually attracted to him, for this reason. Yes I'm attracted to his personality so wanted to believe it's more complicated than that, but it really isn't. I'm just sick of feeling like Goldilocks when dating and don't want to be overly picky, but if you don't particularly want to hop into bed with someone, what's the point? Especially early on.

We've been on 3 dates now, is there any reason to give an explanation at this point or just say I don't see things going further?

Esse85

TracyFlick wrote: »

Thanks everyone for the quick responses. Yeah, if I think I'm being honest with myself, I'm not sexually attracted to him, for this reason. Yes I'm attracted to his personality so wanted to believe it's more complicated than that, but it really isn't. I'm just sick of feeling like Goldilocks when dating and don't want to be overly picky, but if you don't particularly want to hop into bed with someone, what's the point? Especially early on.

We've been on 3 dates now, is there any reason to give an explanation at this point or just say I don't see things going further?

Give him the same feedback you'd hope to receive if the shoe was on the other foot.

YellowLead

TracyFlick wrote: »

Thanks everyone for the quick responses. Yeah, if I think I'm being honest with myself, I'm not sexually attracted to him, for this reason. Yes I'm attracted to his personality so wanted to believe it's more complicated than that, but it really isn't. I'm just sick of feeling like Goldilocks when dating and don't want to be overly picky, but if you don't particularly want to hop into bed with someone, what's the point? Especially early on.

We've been on 3 dates now, is there any reason to give an explanation at this point or just say I don't see things going further?

Definitely no need to tell him his weight bothers you. I would just say you have enjoyed the dates but you don’t feel a spark, or you don’t feel you are compatible.

Widdensushi

I don't have the saying exactly but it goes along the lines of men marry hoping their wife won't change and women marry to change the man to what they want . Move on if you are not attracted at this early stage, give him a chance of a happy life.

Taeholic

TracyFlick wrote: »

Yes I'm attracted to his personality so wanted to believe it's more complicated than that, but it really isn't. I'm just sick of feeling like Goldilocks when dating and don't want to be overly picky, but if you don't particularly want to hop into bed with someone, what's the point? Especially early on.

We've been on 3 dates now, is there any reason to give an explanation at this point or just say I don't see things going further?

I understand how frustrating dating can be but it's not fair to either of you if you aren't attracted to him. I don't see it as being overly picky either, I'd see it as finding the right person for you. In my opinion if you have to force things like attraction/chemistry this early on then leave it. There are others than believe such things can be worked on.

I think just say you don't see things going any further. If you are sure though, it's your decision. Good luck

JustAThought

Just saying that a lot of people have overeaten from boredom this past year AND there was nothing to offset this - no small trips around retail/ to the gym/ sports training etc. Sounds like he’s a great guy and if he was 2 stone lighter would you be physically compatible? If he lost the weight between now and you sleeping with him
when gyms/pools reopen soon would you have been v glad to have ‘kept’ hiim. Funny, compatible guys who you get on like a house on fire with don’t drop out of trees every day. Do you think of he saw a prize in sight and romance on the cards he might clean up his act? He wouldn’t be the first. What does he do for a living - chopping trees & construction work or desk job? Has he been working this past year? I’ve knocked off a fair bit of weight these past 2 1/2 months - I look quite different but am the same person.

Airyfairy12

I think it depends!
A few extra pounds wouldnt bother me but the life style choices would!
For example I was seeing a guy who was slightly over weight, this didnt bother me at first until I got to know him better and learned that he constantly ate processed food, sweet, crisps ect and was super proud of this! He would send me photos of his plate of food sometimes and it often consisted of packaged pancakes covered in spray cream and this was for his breakfast! This was a huge turn off for me!!

If your new guy over eats but generally looks after himself and doesn't gorge on fatty foods everyday, it could just be a case of him not being active enough or putting on the extra weight over lockdown.

If I was in your shoes, I would give it another few dates to get to know him and see where it leads. Its so hard to meet someone and feel connection & I really think that attraction can grow the more you get to like someone. Is the spark is there why throw it away over something that may not be that big of a deal? Looks change for everyone anyway!

Gekko

You said yourself how difficult you find it to meet men you click with

Is there anyway you could subtly broach the subject, but sort of indirectly, suggesting active stuff you could do together that might help him lose a few pounds, or are there any sports / hobbies you both enjoy - eg gym, lifting, running, cycling, tennis?

If he’s up for it - assuming you are too - isn’t that a good sign?

Natural endorphins from such activities might mean you see things differently too

And if he isn’t then maybe you can say to yourself well you tried that and maybe you definitely don’t see things going anywhere.

I agree with the other posters about diet...is he a healthy eater or not so much?

Purple Mountain

Gekko wrote: »

You said yourself how difficult you find it to meet men you click with

Is there anyway you could subtly broach the subject, but sort of indirectly, suggesting active stuff you could do together that might help him lose a few pounds, or are there any sports / hobbies you both enjoy - eg gym, lifting, running, cycling, tennis?

If he’s up for it - assuming you are too - isn’t that a good sign?

Natural endorphins from such activities might mean you see things differently too

And if he isn’t then maybe you can say to yourself well you tried that and maybe you definitely don’t see things going anywhere.

I agree with the other posters about diet...is he a healthy eater or not so much?

Absolutely not! She's been on 3 dates with this man. It's non of her business at this stage to be trying to nudge him to get fitter so he's more aesthetically pleasing to her.
Theyre essentially strangers to each other, she has no right to try and influence his life.

LegacyUser

I keep myself in shape and watch my calorie intake (no gym bunny or anything close) and I expect a potential boyfriend to do the same.

A chubby girl can't expect to date a fit guy but the other around is a common practice funny enough.

To me it all comes down to what you look like yourself.

If I was chubby I'd probably don't mind dating a similar guy.

TracyFlick

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Absolutely not! She's been on 3 dates with this man. It's non of her business at this stage to be trying to nudge him to get fitter so he's more aesthetically pleasing to her.
Theyre essentially strangers to each other, she has no right to try and influence his life.

I agree totally with this. A friend was saying "oh the gyms will be open soon, you could subtly encourage him, go for walks together etc"- I think this is terrible advice! It's never a good idea to start up with someone and already trying to get them to change. I would hate hate hate if a guy did this to me. Either accept someone as they are when you meet them, or leave them to find someone who will.

Maybe I sound shallow but I can't help how I feel. Sexual attraction is important to most people, no? I think I'm gonna meet up once more and make my final decision then.

osarusan

TracyFlick wrote: »

Maybe I sound shallow but I can't help how I feel. Sexual attraction is important to most people, no?

I get the feeling that maybe you think you shouldn't feel this way, that you shouldn't be so shallow, but the reality is that this is how you feel, you are not attracted to the guy because of his extra weight.


Maybe for some people, the other positive things about him/the relationship would compensate for that, but for you, it doesn't, and there's nothing wrong with that.


Giving an explanation for not seeing him any more is up to you. For all you know he is content in his own body as it is, and will wait for somebody who is content with it also. Or maybe you telling him would be just the wake up call he already knows he needs. There's no way for you to know what an honest explanation would mean to him.

Gekko

TracyFlick wrote: »

I agree totally with this. A friend was saying "oh the gyms will be open soon, you could subtly encourage him, go for walks together etc"- I think this is terrible advice! It's never a good idea to start up with someone and already trying to get them to change. I would hate hate hate if a guy did this to me. Either accept someone as they are when you meet them, or leave them to find someone who will.

Maybe I sound shallow but I can't help how I feel. Sexual attraction is important to most people, no? I think I'm gonna meet up once more and make my final decision then.

To be fair it was just a suggestion

You didn’t indicate whether you share such interests or not

In my experience it’s difficult enough to find someone you click with, so if I were you I’d give it a chance

You could also ask yourself if the roles were reversed what would you like to happen?

ILoveYourVibes

TracyFlick wrote: »

I’ve been on a few dates with a guy. I’m 34F, he’s 38M. We get on great. Have lots in common and similar attitudes to lots of things, I already feel like I could chat away to him about anything. I do not underestimate how rarely I click with someone this way, I’ve had tumbleweeds dating wise for a long time now.

However, he could stand to lose at least 2 stone, more like 3. This bothers me. It doesn’t make me want to hop on him.

Should I carry on seeing him or not? Genuinely torn. At the back of my mind I’m also thinking, if he’s already got a fairly hefty paunch at 38, is it gonna be another 2 stone in 5 years time? I feel like I can’t tell him the real reason why I might end things here, I mean a man would never say that to a woman, even if that was the reason.

Would extra weight put me off a guy no. Not if he is a snappy dresser and takes care of himself in other ways and has personality etc.

But well ..this is YOU we are talking about.

Noo

Gekko wrote: »

You said yourself how difficult you find it to meet men you click with

Is there anyway you could subtly broach the subject, but sort of indirectly, suggesting active stuff you could do together that might help him lose a few pounds, or are there any sports / hobbies you both enjoy - eg gym, lifting, running, cycling, tennis?

If he’s up for it - assuming you are too - isn’t that a good sign?

Natural endorphins from such activities might mean you see things differently too

And if he isn’t then maybe you can say to yourself well you tried that and maybe you definitely don’t see things going anywhere.

I agree with the other posters about diet...is he a healthy eater or not so much?

I actually agree with this to an extent. Why not suggest something active for a date....a hike in the hills, bike ride etc. Finding out what activities he's is into is simply getting to know him, its hardly trying to changing him like some posters would lead you to believe.

His attitude towards active dates would probably answer whether this is just a covid kilos blip, or whether its likley to be an ongoing issue.

withnail_is_i

As we have no indication to how long the chap has been single, we can only guess whether or not it had been a contributory factor in his weight.
If it has, then there is a very high chance that he is aware of it and wants to lose some weight.
Given that you have said you have been dating tumbleweeds for a long time, and that it is rare that you click with somebody in this level, it might also be worth finding out a little more - i.e. if you could become more attracted to him, or has the attraction peaked.
Had he a partner until recently and they both got lazy, or did he gain weight when he maybe lost confidence, or had nobody to share activities with. Or maybe he was always a bit big?
The reason for his hefty paunch may also have the answer to your question.
It is entirely possible that he is at home kicking himself because he has gained weight.
Moving that to one side for a moment, it seems very dismissive of you considering it has taken this long to find somebody similar to him personality wise.
Also very defeatist if it's okay to use that term today. You have got this far, what would happen if you were to hang on for another week or so and maybe mention his weight in a delicate manner.
If you don't find him attractive, and do not think that you would even if he lost some weight then do not waste any more of his or your time.
My 2cent.

Segotias

You can't force yourself to be attracted to someone.

As someone who's overweight I would expect if someone is attracted to me its the whole package, personality, intelligence and looks etc

At the same time I don't want to be anyones fetish so would assume if I'd lost weight they would still like the whole package.

As mentioned if he lost weight do you think the attraction would change. Perhaps you're clicking with him as a person and would be better as a friend, this may not be something he wants but if you think theres no future better to nip it now.

I don't think its the time to be suggesting subtly or otherwise that he should lose weight or go to the gym. I'm sure he's aware he's overweight, whether it bothers him or not is his business and that will dictate whether he wants to lose it or not.

volchitsa

The only other thing I would add here is to ask whether you’re sure about what exactly it is that’s bothering you about his weight- is it that you personally find him repulsive or are you thinking about his looks reflect on you to other people?

If you find him so unattractive that you don’t want to sleep with him then you’d should stop (but if so, I don’t think you should mention his weight to him, that would be cruel)

If you don’t like the thought of other people’s judgment of you for being with him, well it’s up to you of course but IME people picking a partner based on other people’s judgment can happen but it’s generally not a great result.

ManOfMystery

I don't think weight is the issue behind the attraction (or lack of it) here - it's more of a red herring.

You either feel it or you don't.

If he was morbidly obese, 10 stone overweight etc - I could understand it affecting attraction. However, a couple of stone (especially on a taller guy) is not a huge amount and many people could easily fluctuate that kind of weight increase/decrease anyway if they've been laid up or not, working on a project for months and not getting enough exercise. My point is that IMO, a couple of stone doesn't affect a person that much aesthetically that you would feel absolutely zero attraction for them but then go to wanting to jump their bones if they lost it. And if it did, then it doesn't bode well for a long term relationship with someone who's weight could potentially fluctuate a little bit.

I've had skinny partners and chubby partners and generally I find if the attraction is there, it really doesn't matter if they're a bit under or over whatever people define as 'average' weight. They're still atttractive to me.

Redjacketboy

Is there any chance you are attracted to him, but are preprogrammed by society/your own bias to not be? If that is the case you might be able to get over this if you can't move on.

fits

Have you been physical at all? Sometimes you need to just try it out and see...

1hnr79jr65

I do not believe giving it another go or having more dates will change your view, your own mindset seems determined on what is your limit and that is ok to have. However it would be extremely unfair emotionally to put this chap through basically a trial for your own benefit, if you decide in the end it is not worth continuing the relationship based on his weight.

Best just end this now and not make a mockery of the chap by having extra dates just to see if you can get over your feelings on his weight.

TracyFlick

Thanks again for all advice guys, it is appreciated!

First off, I never said I think he's repulsive, far from it. That is a horrible way to think of someone and I would not use that language about anyone. I'm not attracted to what I think is fairly significant extra weight, partly because I think it speaks to a lifestyle I'd be concerned about, while also acknowledging that it's his life and he can do what he wants, and I either accept him as he is or move on.

Secondly, there's a fair range of thoughts on this, so much so that I'm still confused tbh! The poster above says I'd be unfairly putting a guy through an emotional trial for my own benefit (jeez ever heard of casual dating?) whereas others say I'm shallow and need to give him a chance!

I fully agree that guys you click with certainly do not fall out of the sky every day. I wish I fancied him more, physically, that's all. And yes we have kissed when we've had a few drinks and it's nice, but do I have to have a few drinks to want to kiss him? I'm not sure yet.

volchitsa

TracyFlick wrote: »

Thanks again for all advice guys, it is appreciated!

First off, I never said I think he's repulsive, far from it. That is a horrible way to think of someone and I would not use that language about anyone. I'm not attracted to what I think is fairly significant extra weight, partly because I think it speaks to a lifestyle I'd be concerned about, while also acknowledging that it's his life and he can do what he wants, and I either accept him as he is or move on.

Secondly, there's a fair range of thoughts on this, so much so that I'm still confused tbh! The poster above says I'd be unfairly putting a guy through an emotional trial for my own benefit (jeez ever heard of casual dating?) whereas others say I'm shallow and need to give him a chance!

I fully agree that guys you click with certainly do not fall out of the sky every day. I wish I fancied him more, physically, that's all. And yes we have kissed when we've had a few drinks and it's nice, but do I have to have a few drinks to want to kiss him? I'm not sure yet.

To what extent do you think you may be being influenced by the thought of how other people will see him, and you by extension? Do your friends/family tend to put a lot of importance on physical appearance?

(I have a friend whose husband in particular is obsessed with women being skinny, and he's always talked like that to his daughters, which I think is very unfortunate. Stuff like "Look at that fat cow", about some random woman in the street or on TV. I think it makes his daughters feel that they will only be lovable if they are like models. OTOH, they are both really good looking teens now, so maybe it works in that way!

1hnr79jr65

TracyFlick wrote: »

The poster above says I'd be unfairly putting a guy through an emotional trial for my own benefit (jeez ever heard of casual dating?)

I can understand your objection to what i said and yes i get casual dating, however you seem to have a mindset that would place this chap as not someone you could see a long term with.

Do you feel if you did have further dates and the guy wanted to be intimate this is something you could go ahead with or would the weight be an issue for you? Would the thought of this chaps weight be more off putting naked compared to how you currently feel about him clothed?

I am not saying your feelings are wrong on the situation you are entitled to have a type, I just do not believe that having further dates with this guy if the weight is not something you can get over as this would not be fair to him, especially if he becomes more emotionally invested and then you reject him due to your feelings on his lifestyle.

Perhaps that clears up a bit more from my perspective.

Segotias

Casual dating is fine, once everyone is on the same page.

If his lifestyle or perceived lifestyle is going to be an issue along with the extra weight then there is really no future. However do you actually know his lifestyle or are you believing it to be a certain way because of the weight. I'm over weight but would have a fairly healthy active lifestyle but due to some issues dropping weight is a slow process.

With regard to your statement on if you need a few drinks to kiss him, this is never a good route to go down. From personal experience as someone who needs a few drinks to be comfortable with myself to kiss or be with someone its not a long term solution.

bilbot79

If it were me I'd want to know what you need and then I'd do what it takes

TracyFlick

volchitsa wrote: »

To what extent do you think you may be being influenced by the thought of how other people will see him, and you by extension? Do your friends/family tend to put a lot of importance on physical appearance?

Good question. Mostly it's not an issue, and I don't really care what other people think. I'm in my 30s, I know my own mind. However, I do have one friend who finds any hint of fat totally unacceptable (to an unhealthy degree IMO) and I can picture her reaction, and it does make me cringe a tiny bit. Even though it shouldn't, at all! But really, it's mostly that I myself don't like the weight.

Sour Lemonz wrote: »

I can understand your objection to what i said and yes i get casual dating, however you seem to have a mindset that would place this chap as not someone you could see a long term with.

Do you feel if you did have further dates and the guy wanted to be intimate this is something you could go ahead with or would the weight be an issue for you? Would the thought of this chaps weight be more off putting naked compared to how you currently feel about him clothed?

I am not saying your feelings are wrong on the situation you are entitled to have a type, I just do not believe that having further dates with this guy if the weight is not something you can get over as this would not be fair to him, especially if he becomes more emotionally invested and then you reject him due to your feelings on his lifestyle.

Perhaps that clears up a bit more from my perspective.

Thanks for clearing that up, and I hear what you're saying, but yeah I think I'd sleep with him! Sex isn't that big a deal, and a good way to find out! :pac: He is super chilled out himself, it's one of the things I really like about him- neither of us seems in any rush to jump into a relationship, in general.

Segotias wrote: »

Casual dating is fine, once everyone is on the same page.

If his lifestyle or perceived lifestyle is going to be an issue along with the extra weight then there is really no future. However do you actually know his lifestyle or are you believing it to be a certain way because of the weight. I'm over weight but would have a fairly healthy active lifestyle but due to some issues dropping weight is a slow process.

See this is the thing, I don't yet know him well enough to know much about his lifestyle- does he like hiking, long walks etc. However, so far he doesn't strike me as an active person at all, and he hasn't mentioned any active stuff, just seems to drink a lot tbh. I'm not a hugely sporty person myself but I do like running, cycling and hiking, and have lost a fair bit of weight myself in the last year. I guess maybe a guy who's into those things is more important to me than I had realised before.

I realise this is a lot of posts on my side for a fairly minor issue, but I am still on the fence! I guess I'm leaning towards it not being a romantic thing, but only slightly. I still don't see the harm in meeting up once or twice more, at least.

Segotias

Definitely no harm in a few more dates but I'd perhaps be delving into his lifestyle a bit more to suss out if its compatible with yours.

It can be as simple as suggesting different types of dates that maybe a bit more active or when you do meet him ask him would he be interested in a walk or what his hobbies are, getting to know what he likes to do will show you his lifestyle.

Obviously you can't drag it out for too much longer as he may get more invested and you may have to give a reason as to why you don't want to see him anymore especially if he feels its been going well.

Dating is some minefield!!

bitofabind

Maybe turn the tables and try to imagine how you would've felt if you met a guy you liked let's say a year ago, before you lost weight yourself, and he felt this way about you. Like he really clicked with you and that felt meaningful, but he wasn't sure how attracted he was to you physically because you could stand to "lose two stone, maybe three".

Personally, I'd be devastated if I found out a guy was thinking that way about me, and even if I never found out I think it'd have repercussions on my self-esteem to date someone like this. Because it'll become apparent over time, little comments, them being half-in half-out of the relationship, always thinking they can find someone they're more attracted to.

So for that reason I'd say you need to move on. IMO you're fed up of going on 'meh' dates with total non-starters and that's fogging your judgement, when the reality is you're just not attracted to this guy and he's more like a friend.. And that's fine. Attraction isn't something we can control. But in dating, you have to take people as you find them and clinging onto "maybe it's Covid weight, maybe he's got a healthy lifestyle, maybe I can encourage him to shift a few pounds" isn't fair on anyone.

TracyFlick

bitofabind wrote: »

Maybe turn the tables and try to imagine how you would've felt if you met a guy you liked let's say a year ago, before you lost weight yourself, and he felt this way about you. Like he really clicked with you and that felt meaningful, but he wasn't sure how attracted he was to you physically because you could stand to "lose two stone, maybe three".

Personally, I'd be devastated if I found out a guy was thinking that way about me, and even if I never found out I think it'd have repercussions on my self-esteem to date someone like this. Because it'll become apparent over time, little comments, them being half-in half-out of the relationship, always thinking they can find someone they're more attracted to.

So for that reason I'd say you need to move on. IMO you're fed up of going on 'meh' dates with total non-starters and that's fogging your judgement, when the reality is you're just not attracted to this guy and he's more like a friend.. And that's fine. Attraction isn't something we can control. But in dating, you have to take people as you find them and clinging onto "maybe it's Covid weight, maybe he's got a healthy lifestyle, maybe I can encourage him to shift a few pounds" isn't fair on anyone.

I totally agree with all of this and I think you've summed it up. I would be very hurt if a guy was having these thoughts about me (I have to say, at my heaviest I was still not as noticeably overweight at this guy) so it's probably best not to make this last too much longer. I'm definitely not going to try change him, regardless of whatever else happens.

Esse85

Tracy, if your not feeling it in your gut, and clearly your not, just leave it off, stop trying to force the issue here. It's perfectly ok not to fancy someone because they are overweight.

If you have self confidence and belief in yourself you will end this and start the search again for what it is you are looking for.

This just screams of trying to force a square peg into a round role.

borabora

I wonder how much your feelings about your own weight and recent weight loss, along with the voice of your hyper critical friend are impacting on your feelings about this.

The connection is special. Not easy to come by, at all. I think give it some time. See how your lifestyles jive. Maybe get intimate if you're feeling it, and see. Thats what dating is, isn't it? Just seeing. Something else might come up, that you do or don't like and may direct you further in either direction.

JustAThought

Is your critical friend single too?

This year has really been exceptional
in terms of everyone being locked into their houses and there being none of
the usual outlets for socialising/exercising/sport etc.

Imagine you met him before you went on your big weight loss push. Would you have felt able to reject him for his two stone over then? Possibly not. You said you pointed his weihht out to
him in the mirror you put up in your room and you could see he was
mortified and he said he needed to lose weight.If he lost the covid stone (or two) that is so common it has now become a national catchphrase - would you fancy him then and see a relationship with this funny, etc guy. Chances are I think you would. As far as you know he could be lofting weights and running now to get back in shape to be worthy of you (in your new weightloss).

If you wern’t bothered at all about him I’d say leave it, but you talked so glowingly of how you both clicked and had craic together and are on the same wavelength & he makes you laugh & is a great guy... how long have you been looking for someone like that & not found them. If a few weeks and ine or two meets gives him a chance to roll back the covid stone and shoe you the rest of how fabulous he could be then what’s the harm? Suggest a hike - roadtest his intentions - see what his stamina is & his approach to fitness - for all you know he’s usually a rugby forward & has just lost the trim not training regularly. Give love a chance. Don’t be listening to your friend and strangers on the internet - let your heart speak. How long have you been looking and not found anyone this close - with the exception of the one aspect he can change and say he needs to.
Give love a chance.

qwerty13

I’m caught between logic and feeling a bit sorry for myself with this thread.

I totally get that really clicking with someone without sexual attraction = friendship. However, I was a bit (as in a wee bit) overweight in my early 20s. I wasn’t the most happy in my own shoes, and my BF at the time had constant ‘helpful’ remarks which really weren’t. It was like a push-pull thing about ‘I love you, but I’d love you more if you lost half a stone’. He told me once that he thought I might have lost the oft mentioned 7lbs as a surprise ‘for him’ after he’d been on holidays.

Anyway. Weight is a super-sensitive issue, and I don’t think there is a remotely subtle way of saying it to someone. If it were truly a small amount of weight, then so what. If it’s a substantial amount of weight, and/or you’re just not attracted to him (which I think is the case), then let him go. Tell him that you don’t feel there’s a spark there, but think very carefully about even hinting as to why.

I’m not saying that you’re shallow, or expect the perfect package of looks and personality. You sound like you’re fully aware of how important personality is, but that you’re just not feeling ‘relationship material’ with this guy. I’d sY just let him go.

ElizaBennett

Just wondering if you've kissed him yet or done anything physical? My partner was quite a bit overweight when we met. Maybe 4 stone, a lot. I was attracted to his personality and confidence though and he's tall and broad and I could see a great Dad bod potential there. After we kissed i fancied him more. I do remember being a little shocked when I first saw him naked as I'd never been in bed with someone actually fat before. But he made me feel amazing and was awesome in the sack. I never mentioned weight to him but he knew himself he wanted to change and over a couple of years he lost at least half the extra weight, maybe more. He's v fit and strong and exercises a lot and I really don't want him to look too different to when we met as I did fancy him from the start. I know your feelings are different but thought I'd share this. Just wondering if you have a hint of attraction or if there's really nothing there at all, which would be a shame as you do like him quite a bit.

TracyFlick

I hear what you're all saying. Maybe it's more that it's that unidentifiable X factor physical attraction thing that I'm just not majorly feeling, rather than the weight per se. I can't say for sure I'd be physically attracted to him if he lost the weight, as there's no way of knowing at the moment. I definitely do not expect the perfect body, but this goes beyond the stocky kind of build.

Anyway, I'm starting to feel like a massive cow for even creating this thread :-/

ElizaBennett

I don't think you should feel bad at all, OP, not in the slightest. This is supposed to be the place for advice. You're wondering if it's possible your feelings might change if you give it a bit more time, you're looking for other insights and experiences, where's the harm?
I totally get that worry that you'll need a drink or two onboard every time in order to want to get physical and that's just depressing, let's face it. If I were you I'd probably do another date, if it felt right I'd take it further physically and you never know it could be mind blowing:) Try and do that pretty sober, or totally sober, and see how it goes. I know it would be a little delicate to end things right after sleeping with him so there is that to consider. But we've all had to do it, following sexual incompatibility, or however you want to label it. If you end up breaking it off before it even gets going, I'd go with 'there was no spark'. it's a clichee but it's also true.

Segotias

JustAThought wrote: »

Is your critical friend single too?

You said you pointed his weihht out to
him in the mirror you put up in your room and you could see he was
mortified and he said he needed to lose weight.If he lost the covid stone (or two) that is so common it has now become a national catchphrase - would you fancy him then and see a relationship with this funny, etc guy. Chances are I think you would. As far as you know he could be lofting weights and running now to get back in shape to be worthy of you (in your new weightloss).

Think you're mixing this OP with another thread about a girl who's boyfriend has gained weight

TracyFlick wrote: »

I hear what you're all saying. Maybe it's more that it's that unidentifiable X factor physical attraction thing that I'm just not majorly feeling, rather than the weight per se. I can't say for sure I'd be physically attracted to him if he lost the weight, as there's no way of knowing at the moment. I definitely do not expect the perfect body, but this goes beyond the stocky kind of build.

Anyway, I'm starting to feel like a massive cow for even creating this thread :-/

Don't feel bad at all, Jaysus we live in a world where you cant' say boo, everything has to be PC or body positive.

Personally as someone who is overweight I hate the whole bopo movement in the way its been handled, don't get me wrong it would be great if we were all comfortable in our own skin and loved ourselves as we are but this isn't always the case.

It could be in the case of this guy, only you will know if he's worth trying to get to know better, maybe instead of the imaginary spark and butterflies you're meant to feel it could be a slower burn.

Regardless of all this and you've been told, do what makes you comfortable, its better to be left on the shelf than put in the wrong press for the sake of having someone

JustAThought

Y - I think you’re right.

Isn’t there that awful girls slapdown - I can lose weight but you’ll always be a bitch.

I don’t mean that intended at the OP but in the context of her question. She says her friend thinks he’s not worthy of her & is too overweight, she is now wondering too if she can tolerate it, she too has lost the same amount of weight she wants him to lose in the past few months. If he met her when she was fat /chubby do you think he’d be saying lose weight darling or I won’t date you. I think the OP had said he had said she was beautiful and it didn’t make a difference to him. That sounds like a guy to really consider as a keeper - especially as they connect so well and get on so well and the OP has been single and looking for so long.
He can always go back to the gym and lose the stone or two - like she did.

I wonder if the OP puts back on a stone if she thinks he will be good enough for her then?

I’m not saying fat people are automatically (as) attractive or desirable as lovers but I am saying that he can lose the covid weight - it has been an exceptional year. He will still have the same great sounding outlook and personality. Only be hotter.
Pounds come and go. Personality is forever.

Segotias

It was mentioned above about a lot of overweight men won't date overweight women so he may not have given her a second look before she dropped the weight. This can also be the case the other way around.

Either way she needs to find him attractive, attraction is different for everyone, was one likes another detests.

Losing weight can change a personality as it changes how people interact and treat you and you can feed from this.

I don't think the OP has mentioned weight to this guy in any context so not sure if he said it made no difference to him, this was the other thread I think.

What it boils down to is you can't force attraction, you can give it time and see if it develops, its been a few dates and she doesn't know him fully yet so a couple more won't do any harm to see if their lifestyles are compatible

TracyFlick

JustAThought wrote: »

Y - I think you’re right.

Isn’t there that awful girls slapdown - I can lose weight but you’ll always be a bitch.

I don’t mean that intended at the OP but in the context of her question. She says her friend thinks he’s not worthy of her & is too overweight, she is now wondering too if she can tolerate it, she too has lost the same amount of weight she wants him to lose in the past few months. If he met her when she was fat /chubby do you think he’d be saying lose weight darling or I won’t date you. I think the OP had said he had said she was beautiful and it didn’t make a difference to him. That sounds like a guy to really consider as a keeper - especially as they connect so well and get on so well and the OP has been single and looking for so long.
He can always go back to the gym and lose the stone or two - like she did.

I wonder if the OP puts back on a stone if she thinks he will be good enough for her then?

I’m not saying fat people are automatically (as) attractive or desirable as lovers but I am saying that he can lose the covid weight - it has been an exceptional year. He will still have the same great sounding outlook and personality. Only be hotter.
Pounds come and go. Personality is forever.

I never said I lost the same amount of weight I think he should lose. I don't think he "should" or shouldn't do anything! I did say I was not as heavy looking as he is now.

It's not about him being "good enough" for me, it's about me not wanting to force something that just isn't there physically, and potentially hurting his feelings, but also not being totally sure yet.

Weight is clearly a complete minefield, understandably so. I have not once mentioned it or even alluded to it on our dates, nor would I. We're talking man boobs and a pretty sizeable gut. I don't know how to phrase that in a way that doesn't offend anyone.