Would extra weight put you off a guy?

TracyFlick · 30-05-2021 8:37pm #1

I’ve been on a few dates with a guy. I’m 34F, he’s 38M. We get on great. Have lots in common and similar attitudes to lots of things, I already feel like I could chat away to him about anything. I do not underestimate how rarely I click with someone this way, I’ve had tumbleweeds dating wise for a long time now.

However, he could stand to lose at least 2 stone, more like 3. This bothers me. It doesn’t make me want to hop on him.

Should I carry on seeing him or not? Genuinely torn. At the back of my mind I’m also thinking, if he’s already got a fairly hefty paunch at 38, is it gonna be another 2 stone in 5 years time? I feel like I can’t tell him the real reason why I might end things here, I mean a man would never say that to a woman, even if that was the reason.

YellowLead · 30-05-2021 8:43pm

I don’t think you can expect strangers to help you with this query. Either you are attracted to him or you are not???

You like his personality but aren’t sexually attracted is what is comes down too.

I mean it obviously wasn’t enough to put you off repeat dates so there must be something there - are you repulsed by him physically? If not, you might be surprised at how much a mental connection can mean for sex , if you like him why not try the sex out and make your decision then.

Locotastic · 30-05-2021 8:53pm

TracyFlick wrote: »

I’ve been on a few dates with a guy. I’m 34F, he’s 38M. We get on great. Have lots in common and similar attitudes to lots of things, I already feel like I could chat away to him about anything. I do not underestimate how rarely I click with someone this way, I’ve had tumbleweeds dating wise for a long time now.

However, he could stand to lose at least 2 stone, more like 3. This bothers me. It doesn’t make me want to hop on him.

Should I carry on seeing him or not? Genuinely torn. At the back of my mind I’m also thinking, if he’s already got a fairly hefty paunch at 38, is it gonna be another 2 stone in 5 years time? I feel like I can’t tell him the real reason why I might end things here, I mean a man would never say that to a woman, even if that was the reason.

Are you attracted to him?

If yes then thinking about his possible future further weight gain or his current size shouldn't really come into it.

If no then you're not attracted to him and probably won't be regardless of his size.

Extra weight alone would not put me off being with someone, personally I'd prefer extra pounds than someone who's got a 'perfect' body but it's different for everyone.

30-05-2021 8:55pm

I’d you’re not attracted then walk away for both your sakes. It won’t end well.

osarusan · 30-05-2021 8:58pm

The question is whether it puts you off a guy, and the answer is yes, the extra weight puts you off this guy.

frag420 · 30-05-2021 8:59pm

How about looking at the size of his heart and not the size of his waist!!

Esse85 · 30-05-2021 8:59pm

ReginaldSmythV wrote: »

I’d you’re not attracted then walk away for both your sakes. It won’t end well.

This.

OP, build up your pipeline and create more options.
The fact your posting about this online suggests you haven't enough options and your considering settling while another part of your brain is saying "fcuk that, I can do better than an overweight guy."

Taeholic · 30-05-2021 9:05pm

osarusan wrote: »

The question is whether it puts you off a guy, and the answer is yes, the extra weight puts you off this guy.

This is your answer in a nutshell. You don't find him attractive so let him find someone who does.

Buddy Bubs · 30-05-2021 9:17pm

It's something only you can answer...my fiance could lose a stone but doesn't turn me off her at all. And she's young with no kids so potential for more weight gain is obviously there. Doesn't bother me, she's pretty active so may or may not happen. You seem to like him otherwise

TracyFlick · 30-05-2021 9:42pm

Thanks everyone for the quick responses. Yeah, if I think I'm being honest with myself, I'm not sexually attracted to him, for this reason. Yes I'm attracted to his personality so wanted to believe it's more complicated than that, but it really isn't. I'm just sick of feeling like Goldilocks when dating and don't want to be overly picky, but if you don't particularly want to hop into bed with someone, what's the point? Especially early on.

We've been on 3 dates now, is there any reason to give an explanation at this point or just say I don't see things going further?

Esse85 · 30-05-2021 9:46pm

TracyFlick wrote: »

Thanks everyone for the quick responses. Yeah, if I think I'm being honest with myself, I'm not sexually attracted to him, for this reason. Yes I'm attracted to his personality so wanted to believe it's more complicated than that, but it really isn't. I'm just sick of feeling like Goldilocks when dating and don't want to be overly picky, but if you don't particularly want to hop into bed with someone, what's the point? Especially early on.

We've been on 3 dates now, is there any reason to give an explanation at this point or just say I don't see things going further?

Give him the same feedback you'd hope to receive if the shoe was on the other foot.

YellowLead · 30-05-2021 9:48pm

TracyFlick wrote: »

Thanks everyone for the quick responses. Yeah, if I think I'm being honest with myself, I'm not sexually attracted to him, for this reason. Yes I'm attracted to his personality so wanted to believe it's more complicated than that, but it really isn't. I'm just sick of feeling like Goldilocks when dating and don't want to be overly picky, but if you don't particularly want to hop into bed with someone, what's the point? Especially early on.

We've been on 3 dates now, is there any reason to give an explanation at this point or just say I don't see things going further?

Definitely no need to tell him his weight bothers you. I would just say you have enjoyed the dates but you don’t feel a spark, or you don’t feel you are compatible.

Widdensushi · 30-05-2021 9:51pm

I don't have the saying exactly but it goes along the lines of men marry hoping their wife won't change and women marry to change the man to what they want . Move on if you are not attracted at this early stage, give him a chance of a happy life.

Taeholic · 30-05-2021 9:53pm

TracyFlick wrote: »

Yes I'm attracted to his personality so wanted to believe it's more complicated than that, but it really isn't. I'm just sick of feeling like Goldilocks when dating and don't want to be overly picky, but if you don't particularly want to hop into bed with someone, what's the point? Especially early on.

We've been on 3 dates now, is there any reason to give an explanation at this point or just say I don't see things going further?

I understand how frustrating dating can be but it's not fair to either of you if you aren't attracted to him. I don't see it as being overly picky either, I'd see it as finding the right person for you. In my opinion if you have to force things like attraction/chemistry this early on then leave it. There are others than believe such things can be worked on.

I think just say you don't see things going any further. If you are sure though, it's your decision. Good luck

JustAThought · 30-05-2021 11:54pm

Just saying that a lot of people have overeaten from boredom this past year AND there was nothing to offset this - no small trips around retail/ to the gym/ sports training etc. Sounds like he’s a great guy and if he was 2 stone lighter would you be physically compatible? If he lost the weight between now and you sleeping with him
when gyms/pools reopen soon would you have been v glad to have ‘kept’ hiim. Funny, compatible guys who you get on like a house on fire with don’t drop out of trees every day. Do you think of he saw a prize in sight and romance on the cards he might clean up his act? He wouldn’t be the first. What does he do for a living - chopping trees & construction work or desk job? Has he been working this past year? I’ve knocked off a fair bit of weight these past 2 1/2 months - I look quite different but am the same person.

Airyfairy12 · 31-05-2021 12:53am

I think it depends!
A few extra pounds wouldnt bother me but the life style choices would!
For example I was seeing a guy who was slightly over weight, this didnt bother me at first until I got to know him better and learned that he constantly ate processed food, sweet, crisps ect and was super proud of this! He would send me photos of his plate of food sometimes and it often consisted of packaged pancakes covered in spray cream and this was for his breakfast! This was a huge turn off for me!!

If your new guy over eats but generally looks after himself and doesn't gorge on fatty foods everyday, it could just be a case of him not being active enough or putting on the extra weight over lockdown.

If I was in your shoes, I would give it another few dates to get to know him and see where it leads. Its so hard to meet someone and feel connection & I really think that attraction can grow the more you get to like someone. Is the spark is there why throw it away over something that may not be that big of a deal? Looks change for everyone anyway!

Gekko · 31-05-2021 1:25am

You said yourself how difficult you find it to meet men you click with

Is there anyway you could subtly broach the subject, but sort of indirectly, suggesting active stuff you could do together that might help him lose a few pounds, or are there any sports / hobbies you both enjoy - eg gym, lifting, running, cycling, tennis?

If he’s up for it - assuming you are too - isn’t that a good sign?

Natural endorphins from such activities might mean you see things differently too

And if he isn’t then maybe you can say to yourself well you tried that and maybe you definitely don’t see things going anywhere.

I agree with the other posters about diet...is he a healthy eater or not so much?

Purple Mountain · 31-05-2021 1:40am

Gekko wrote: »

You said yourself how difficult you find it to meet men you click with

Is there anyway you could subtly broach the subject, but sort of indirectly, suggesting active stuff you could do together that might help him lose a few pounds, or are there any sports / hobbies you both enjoy - eg gym, lifting, running, cycling, tennis?

If he’s up for it - assuming you are too - isn’t that a good sign?

Natural endorphins from such activities might mean you see things differently too

And if he isn’t then maybe you can say to yourself well you tried that and maybe you definitely don’t see things going anywhere.

I agree with the other posters about diet...is he a healthy eater or not so much?

Absolutely not! She's been on 3 dates with this man. It's non of her business at this stage to be trying to nudge him to get fitter so he's more aesthetically pleasing to her.
Theyre essentially strangers to each other, she has no right to try and influence his life.

LegacyUser · 31-05-2021 9:09am

I keep myself in shape and watch my calorie intake (no gym bunny or anything close) and I expect a potential boyfriend to do the same.

A chubby girl can't expect to date a fit guy but the other around is a common practice funny enough.

To me it all comes down to what you look like yourself.

If I was chubby I'd probably don't mind dating a similar guy.

TracyFlick · 31-05-2021 9:49am

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Absolutely not! She's been on 3 dates with this man. It's non of her business at this stage to be trying to nudge him to get fitter so he's more aesthetically pleasing to her.
Theyre essentially strangers to each other, she has no right to try and influence his life.

I agree totally with this. A friend was saying "oh the gyms will be open soon, you could subtly encourage him, go for walks together etc"- I think this is terrible advice! It's never a good idea to start up with someone and already trying to get them to change. I would hate hate hate if a guy did this to me. Either accept someone as they are when you meet them, or leave them to find someone who will.

Maybe I sound shallow but I can't help how I feel. Sexual attraction is important to most people, no? I think I'm gonna meet up once more and make my final decision then.

osarusan · 31-05-2021 9:57am

TracyFlick wrote: »

Maybe I sound shallow but I can't help how I feel. Sexual attraction is important to most people, no?

I get the feeling that maybe you think you shouldn't feel this way, that you shouldn't be so shallow, but the reality is that this is how you feel, you are not attracted to the guy because of his extra weight.

Maybe for some people, the other positive things about him/the relationship would compensate for that, but for you, it doesn't, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Giving an explanation for not seeing him any more is up to you. For all you know he is content in his own body as it is, and will wait for somebody who is content with it also. Or maybe you telling him would be just the wake up call he already knows he needs. There's no way for you to know what an honest explanation would mean to him.

Gekko · 01-06-2021 12:47am

TracyFlick wrote: »

I agree totally with this. A friend was saying "oh the gyms will be open soon, you could subtly encourage him, go for walks together etc"- I think this is terrible advice! It's never a good idea to start up with someone and already trying to get them to change. I would hate hate hate if a guy did this to me. Either accept someone as they are when you meet them, or leave them to find someone who will.

Maybe I sound shallow but I can't help how I feel. Sexual attraction is important to most people, no? I think I'm gonna meet up once more and make my final decision then.

To be fair it was just a suggestion

You didn’t indicate whether you share such interests or not

In my experience it’s difficult enough to find someone you click with, so if I were you I’d give it a chance

You could also ask yourself if the roles were reversed what would you like to happen?

ILoveYourVibes · 01-06-2021 3:24am

TracyFlick wrote: »

I’ve been on a few dates with a guy. I’m 34F, he’s 38M. We get on great. Have lots in common and similar attitudes to lots of things, I already feel like I could chat away to him about anything. I do not underestimate how rarely I click with someone this way, I’ve had tumbleweeds dating wise for a long time now.

However, he could stand to lose at least 2 stone, more like 3. This bothers me. It doesn’t make me want to hop on him.

Should I carry on seeing him or not? Genuinely torn. At the back of my mind I’m also thinking, if he’s already got a fairly hefty paunch at 38, is it gonna be another 2 stone in 5 years time? I feel like I can’t tell him the real reason why I might end things here, I mean a man would never say that to a woman, even if that was the reason.

Would extra weight put me off a guy no. Not if he is a snappy dresser and takes care of himself in other ways and has personality etc.

But well ..this is YOU we are talking about.

Noo · 01-06-2021 3:51am

Gekko wrote: »

You said yourself how difficult you find it to meet men you click with

Is there anyway you could subtly broach the subject, but sort of indirectly, suggesting active stuff you could do together that might help him lose a few pounds, or are there any sports / hobbies you both enjoy - eg gym, lifting, running, cycling, tennis?

If he’s up for it - assuming you are too - isn’t that a good sign?

Natural endorphins from such activities might mean you see things differently too

And if he isn’t then maybe you can say to yourself well you tried that and maybe you definitely don’t see things going anywhere.

I agree with the other posters about diet...is he a healthy eater or not so much?

I actually agree with this to an extent. Why not suggest something active for a date....a hike in the hills, bike ride etc. Finding out what activities he's is into is simply getting to know him, its hardly trying to changing him like some posters would lead you to believe.

His attitude towards active dates would probably answer whether this is just a covid kilos blip, or whether its likley to be an ongoing issue.

withnail_is_i · 01-06-2021 4:02am

As we have no indication to how long the chap has been single, we can only guess whether or not it had been a contributory factor in his weight.
If it has, then there is a very high chance that he is aware of it and wants to lose some weight.
Given that you have said you have been dating tumbleweeds for a long time, and that it is rare that you click with somebody in this level, it might also be worth finding out a little more - i.e. if you could become more attracted to him, or has the attraction peaked.
Had he a partner until recently and they both got lazy, or did he gain weight when he maybe lost confidence, or had nobody to share activities with. Or maybe he was always a bit big?
The reason for his hefty paunch may also have the answer to your question.
It is entirely possible that he is at home kicking himself because he has gained weight.
Moving that to one side for a moment, it seems very dismissive of you considering it has taken this long to find somebody similar to him personality wise.
Also very defeatist if it's okay to use that term today. You have got this far, what would happen if you were to hang on for another week or so and maybe mention his weight in a delicate manner.
If you don't find him attractive, and do not think that you would even if he lost some weight then do not waste any more of his or your time.
My 2cent.

Segotias · 01-06-2021 9:33am

You can't force yourself to be attracted to someone.

As someone who's overweight I would expect if someone is attracted to me its the whole package, personality, intelligence and looks etc

At the same time I don't want to be anyones fetish so would assume if I'd lost weight they would still like the whole package.

As mentioned if he lost weight do you think the attraction would change. Perhaps you're clicking with him as a person and would be better as a friend, this may not be something he wants but if you think theres no future better to nip it now.

I don't think its the time to be suggesting subtly or otherwise that he should lose weight or go to the gym. I'm sure he's aware he's overweight, whether it bothers him or not is his business and that will dictate whether he wants to lose it or not.

volchitsa · 01-06-2021 9:53am

The only other thing I would add here is to ask whether you’re sure about what exactly it is that’s bothering you about his weight- is it that you personally find him repulsive or are you thinking about his looks reflect on you to other people?

If you find him so unattractive that you don’t want to sleep with him then you’d should stop (but if so, I don’t think you should mention his weight to him, that would be cruel)

If you don’t like the thought of other people’s judgment of you for being with him, well it’s up to you of course but IME people picking a partner based on other people’s judgment can happen but it’s generally not a great result.

ManOfMystery · 01-06-2021 9:59am

I don't think weight is the issue behind the attraction (or lack of it) here - it's more of a red herring.

You either feel it or you don't.

If he was morbidly obese, 10 stone overweight etc - I could understand it affecting attraction. However, a couple of stone (especially on a taller guy) is not a huge amount and many people could easily fluctuate that kind of weight increase/decrease anyway if they've been laid up or not, working on a project for months and not getting enough exercise. My point is that IMO, a couple of stone doesn't affect a person that much aesthetically that you would feel absolutely zero attraction for them but then go to wanting to jump their bones if they lost it. And if it did, then it doesn't bode well for a long term relationship with someone who's weight could potentially fluctuate a little bit.

I've had skinny partners and chubby partners and generally I find if the attraction is there, it really doesn't matter if they're a bit under or over whatever people define as 'average' weight. They're still atttractive to me.

Redjacketboy · 02-06-2021 5:29am

Is there any chance you are attracted to him, but are preprogrammed by society/your own bias to not be? If that is the case you might be able to get over this if you can't move on.

fits · 02-06-2021 5:51am

Have you been physical at all? Sometimes you need to just try it out and see...

1hnr79jr65 · 02-06-2021 8:34am

I do not believe giving it another go or having more dates will change your view, your own mindset seems determined on what is your limit and that is ok to have. However it would be extremely unfair emotionally to put this chap through basically a trial for your own benefit, if you decide in the end it is not worth continuing the relationship based on his weight.

Best just end this now and not make a mockery of the chap by having extra dates just to see if you can get over your feelings on his weight.

Would extra weight put you off a guy?

Comments