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Would extra weight put you off a guy?
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Thanks again for all advice guys, it is appreciated!
First off, I never said I think he's repulsive, far from it. That is a horrible way to think of someone and I would not use that language about anyone. I'm not attracted to what I think is fairly significant extra weight, partly because I think it speaks to a lifestyle I'd be concerned about, while also acknowledging that it's his life and he can do what he wants, and I either accept him as he is or move on.
Secondly, there's a fair range of thoughts on this, so much so that I'm still confused tbh! The poster above says I'd be unfairly putting a guy through an emotional trial for my own benefit (jeez ever heard of casual dating?) whereas others say I'm shallow and need to give him a chance!
I fully agree that guys you click with certainly do not fall out of the sky every day. I wish I fancied him more, physically, that's all. And yes we have kissed when we've had a few drinks and it's nice, but do I have to have a few drinks to want to kiss him? I'm not sure yet.0 -
TracyFlick wrote: »Thanks again for all advice guys, it is appreciated!
First off, I never said I think he's repulsive, far from it. That is a horrible way to think of someone and I would not use that language about anyone. I'm not attracted to what I think is fairly significant extra weight, partly because I think it speaks to a lifestyle I'd be concerned about, while also acknowledging that it's his life and he can do what he wants, and I either accept him as he is or move on.
Secondly, there's a fair range of thoughts on this, so much so that I'm still confused tbh! The poster above says I'd be unfairly putting a guy through an emotional trial for my own benefit (jeez ever heard of casual dating?) whereas others say I'm shallow and need to give him a chance!
I fully agree that guys you click with certainly do not fall out of the sky every day. I wish I fancied him more, physically, that's all. And yes we have kissed when we've had a few drinks and it's nice, but do I have to have a few drinks to want to kiss him? I'm not sure yet.
To what extent do you think you may be being influenced by the thought of how other people will see him, and you by extension? Do your friends/family tend to put a lot of importance on physical appearance?
(I have a friend whose husband in particular is obsessed with women being skinny, and he's always talked like that to his daughters, which I think is very unfortunate. Stuff like "Look at that fat cow", about some random woman in the street or on TV. I think it makes his daughters feel that they will only be lovable if they are like models. OTOH, they are both really good looking teens now, so maybe it works in that way!0 -
TracyFlick wrote: »The poster above says I'd be unfairly putting a guy through an emotional trial for my own benefit (jeez ever heard of casual dating?)
I can understand your objection to what i said and yes i get casual dating, however you seem to have a mindset that would place this chap as not someone you could see a long term with.
Do you feel if you did have further dates and the guy wanted to be intimate this is something you could go ahead with or would the weight be an issue for you? Would the thought of this chaps weight be more off putting naked compared to how you currently feel about him clothed?
I am not saying your feelings are wrong on the situation you are entitled to have a type, I just do not believe that having further dates with this guy if the weight is not something you can get over as this would not be fair to him, especially if he becomes more emotionally invested and then you reject him due to your feelings on his lifestyle.
Perhaps that clears up a bit more from my perspective.0 -
Casual dating is fine, once everyone is on the same page.
If his lifestyle or perceived lifestyle is going to be an issue along with the extra weight then there is really no future. However do you actually know his lifestyle or are you believing it to be a certain way because of the weight. I'm over weight but would have a fairly healthy active lifestyle but due to some issues dropping weight is a slow process.
With regard to your statement on if you need a few drinks to kiss him, this is never a good route to go down. From personal experience as someone who needs a few drinks to be comfortable with myself to kiss or be with someone its not a long term solution.0 -
If it were me I'd want to know what you need and then I'd do what it takes0
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To what extent do you think you may be being influenced by the thought of how other people will see him, and you by extension? Do your friends/family tend to put a lot of importance on physical appearance?
Good question. Mostly it's not an issue, and I don't really care what other people think. I'm in my 30s, I know my own mind. However, I do have one friend who finds any hint of fat totally unacceptable (to an unhealthy degree IMO) and I can picture her reaction, and it does make me cringe a tiny bit. Even though it shouldn't, at all! But really, it's mostly that I myself don't like the weight.Sour Lemonz wrote: »I can understand your objection to what i said and yes i get casual dating, however you seem to have a mindset that would place this chap as not someone you could see a long term with.
Do you feel if you did have further dates and the guy wanted to be intimate this is something you could go ahead with or would the weight be an issue for you? Would the thought of this chaps weight be more off putting naked compared to how you currently feel about him clothed?
I am not saying your feelings are wrong on the situation you are entitled to have a type, I just do not believe that having further dates with this guy if the weight is not something you can get over as this would not be fair to him, especially if he becomes more emotionally invested and then you reject him due to your feelings on his lifestyle.
Perhaps that clears up a bit more from my perspective.
Thanks for clearing that up, and I hear what you're saying, but yeah I think I'd sleep with him! Sex isn't that big a deal, and a good way to find out! :pac: He is super chilled out himself, it's one of the things I really like about him- neither of us seems in any rush to jump into a relationship, in general.Casual dating is fine, once everyone is on the same page.
If his lifestyle or perceived lifestyle is going to be an issue along with the extra weight then there is really no future. However do you actually know his lifestyle or are you believing it to be a certain way because of the weight. I'm over weight but would have a fairly healthy active lifestyle but due to some issues dropping weight is a slow process.
See this is the thing, I don't yet know him well enough to know much about his lifestyle- does he like hiking, long walks etc. However, so far he doesn't strike me as an active person at all, and he hasn't mentioned any active stuff, just seems to drink a lot tbh. I'm not a hugely sporty person myself but I do like running, cycling and hiking, and have lost a fair bit of weight myself in the last year. I guess maybe a guy who's into those things is more important to me than I had realised before.
I realise this is a lot of posts on my side for a fairly minor issue, but I am still on the fence! I guess I'm leaning towards it not being a romantic thing, but only slightly. I still don't see the harm in meeting up once or twice more, at least.0 -
Definitely no harm in a few more dates but I'd perhaps be delving into his lifestyle a bit more to suss out if its compatible with yours.
It can be as simple as suggesting different types of dates that maybe a bit more active or when you do meet him ask him would he be interested in a walk or what his hobbies are, getting to know what he likes to do will show you his lifestyle.
Obviously you can't drag it out for too much longer as he may get more invested and you may have to give a reason as to why you don't want to see him anymore especially if he feels its been going well.
Dating is some minefield!!0 -
Maybe turn the tables and try to imagine how you would've felt if you met a guy you liked let's say a year ago, before you lost weight yourself, and he felt this way about you. Like he really clicked with you and that felt meaningful, but he wasn't sure how attracted he was to you physically because you could stand to "lose two stone, maybe three".
Personally, I'd be devastated if I found out a guy was thinking that way about me, and even if I never found out I think it'd have repercussions on my self-esteem to date someone like this. Because it'll become apparent over time, little comments, them being half-in half-out of the relationship, always thinking they can find someone they're more attracted to.
So for that reason I'd say you need to move on. IMO you're fed up of going on 'meh' dates with total non-starters and that's fogging your judgement, when the reality is you're just not attracted to this guy and he's more like a friend.. And that's fine. Attraction isn't something we can control. But in dating, you have to take people as you find them and clinging onto "maybe it's Covid weight, maybe he's got a healthy lifestyle, maybe I can encourage him to shift a few pounds" isn't fair on anyone.0 -
bitofabind wrote: »Maybe turn the tables and try to imagine how you would've felt if you met a guy you liked let's say a year ago, before you lost weight yourself, and he felt this way about you. Like he really clicked with you and that felt meaningful, but he wasn't sure how attracted he was to you physically because you could stand to "lose two stone, maybe three".
Personally, I'd be devastated if I found out a guy was thinking that way about me, and even if I never found out I think it'd have repercussions on my self-esteem to date someone like this. Because it'll become apparent over time, little comments, them being half-in half-out of the relationship, always thinking they can find someone they're more attracted to.
So for that reason I'd say you need to move on. IMO you're fed up of going on 'meh' dates with total non-starters and that's fogging your judgement, when the reality is you're just not attracted to this guy and he's more like a friend.. And that's fine. Attraction isn't something we can control. But in dating, you have to take people as you find them and clinging onto "maybe it's Covid weight, maybe he's got a healthy lifestyle, maybe I can encourage him to shift a few pounds" isn't fair on anyone.
I totally agree with all of this and I think you've summed it up. I would be very hurt if a guy was having these thoughts about me (I have to say, at my heaviest I was still not as noticeably overweight at this guy) so it's probably best not to make this last too much longer. I'm definitely not going to try change him, regardless of whatever else happens.0 -
Tracy, if your not feeling it in your gut, and clearly your not, just leave it off, stop trying to force the issue here. It's perfectly ok not to fancy someone because they are overweight.
If you have self confidence and belief in yourself you will end this and start the search again for what it is you are looking for.
This just screams of trying to force a square peg into a round role.0 -
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I wonder how much your feelings about your own weight and recent weight loss, along with the voice of your hyper critical friend are impacting on your feelings about this.
The connection is special. Not easy to come by, at all. I think give it some time. See how your lifestyles jive. Maybe get intimate if you're feeling it, and see. Thats what dating is, isn't it? Just seeing. Something else might come up, that you do or don't like and may direct you further in either direction.0 -
Is your critical friend single too?
This year has really been exceptional
in terms of everyone being locked into their houses and there being none of
the usual outlets for socialising/exercising/sport etc.
Imagine you met him before you went on your big weight loss push. Would you have felt able to reject him for his two stone over then? Possibly not. You said you pointed his weihht out to
him in the mirror you put up in your room and you could see he was
mortified and he said he needed to lose weight.If he lost the covid stone (or two) that is so common it has now become a national catchphrase - would you fancy him then and see a relationship with this funny, etc guy. Chances are I think you would. As far as you know he could be lofting weights and running now to get back in shape to be worthy of you (in your new weightloss).
If you wern’t bothered at all about him I’d say leave it, but you talked so glowingly of how you both clicked and had craic together and are on the same wavelength & he makes you laugh & is a great guy... how long have you been looking for someone like that & not found them. If a few weeks and ine or two meets gives him a chance to roll back the covid stone and shoe you the rest of how fabulous he could be then what’s the harm? Suggest a hike - roadtest his intentions - see what his stamina is & his approach to fitness - for all you know he’s usually a rugby forward & has just lost the trim not training regularly. Give love a chance. Don’t be listening to your friend and strangers on the internet - let your heart speak. How long have you been looking and not found anyone this close - with the exception of the one aspect he can change and say he needs to.
Give love a chance.0 -
I’m caught between logic and feeling a bit sorry for myself with this thread.
I totally get that really clicking with someone without sexual attraction = friendship. However, I was a bit (as in a wee bit) overweight in my early 20s. I wasn’t the most happy in my own shoes, and my BF at the time had constant ‘helpful’ remarks which really weren’t. It was like a push-pull thing about ‘I love you, but I’d love you more if you lost half a stone’. He told me once that he thought I might have lost the oft mentioned 7lbs as a surprise ‘for him’ after he’d been on holidays.
Anyway. Weight is a super-sensitive issue, and I don’t think there is a remotely subtle way of saying it to someone. If it were truly a small amount of weight, then so what. If it’s a substantial amount of weight, and/or you’re just not attracted to him (which I think is the case), then let him go. Tell him that you don’t feel there’s a spark there, but think very carefully about even hinting as to why.
I’m not saying that you’re shallow, or expect the perfect package of looks and personality. You sound like you’re fully aware of how important personality is, but that you’re just not feeling ‘relationship material’ with this guy. I’d sY just let him go.0 -
Just wondering if you've kissed him yet or done anything physical? My partner was quite a bit overweight when we met. Maybe 4 stone, a lot. I was attracted to his personality and confidence though and he's tall and broad and I could see a great Dad bod potential there. After we kissed i fancied him more. I do remember being a little shocked when I first saw him naked as I'd never been in bed with someone actually fat before. But he made me feel amazing and was awesome in the sack. I never mentioned weight to him but he knew himself he wanted to change and over a couple of years he lost at least half the extra weight, maybe more. He's v fit and strong and exercises a lot and I really don't want him to look too different to when we met as I did fancy him from the start. I know your feelings are different but thought I'd share this. Just wondering if you have a hint of attraction or if there's really nothing there at all, which would be a shame as you do like him quite a bit.0
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I hear what you're all saying. Maybe it's more that it's that unidentifiable X factor physical attraction thing that I'm just not majorly feeling, rather than the weight per se. I can't say for sure I'd be physically attracted to him if he lost the weight, as there's no way of knowing at the moment. I definitely do not expect the perfect body, but this goes beyond the stocky kind of build.
Anyway, I'm starting to feel like a massive cow for even creating this thread :-/0 -
I don't think you should feel bad at all, OP, not in the slightest. This is supposed to be the place for advice. You're wondering if it's possible your feelings might change if you give it a bit more time, you're looking for other insights and experiences, where's the harm?
I totally get that worry that you'll need a drink or two onboard every time in order to want to get physical and that's just depressing, let's face it. If I were you I'd probably do another date, if it felt right I'd take it further physically and you never know it could be mind blowing:) Try and do that pretty sober, or totally sober, and see how it goes. I know it would be a little delicate to end things right after sleeping with him so there is that to consider. But we've all had to do it, following sexual incompatibility, or however you want to label it. If you end up breaking it off before it even gets going, I'd go with 'there was no spark'. it's a clichee but it's also true.0 -
JustAThought wrote: »Is your critical friend single too?
You said you pointed his weihht out to
him in the mirror you put up in your room and you could see he was
mortified and he said he needed to lose weight.If he lost the covid stone (or two) that is so common it has now become a national catchphrase - would you fancy him then and see a relationship with this funny, etc guy. Chances are I think you would. As far as you know he could be lofting weights and running now to get back in shape to be worthy of you (in your new weightloss).
Think you're mixing this OP with another thread about a girl who's boyfriend has gained weightTracyFlick wrote: »I hear what you're all saying. Maybe it's more that it's that unidentifiable X factor physical attraction thing that I'm just not majorly feeling, rather than the weight per se. I can't say for sure I'd be physically attracted to him if he lost the weight, as there's no way of knowing at the moment. I definitely do not expect the perfect body, but this goes beyond the stocky kind of build.
Anyway, I'm starting to feel like a massive cow for even creating this thread :-/
Don't feel bad at all, Jaysus we live in a world where you cant' say boo, everything has to be PC or body positive.
Personally as someone who is overweight I hate the whole bopo movement in the way its been handled, don't get me wrong it would be great if we were all comfortable in our own skin and loved ourselves as we are but this isn't always the case.
It could be in the case of this guy, only you will know if he's worth trying to get to know better, maybe instead of the imaginary spark and butterflies you're meant to feel it could be a slower burn.
Regardless of all this and you've been told, do what makes you comfortable, its better to be left on the shelf than put in the wrong press for the sake of having someone0 -
Y - I think you’re right.
Isn’t there that awful girls slapdown - I can lose weight but you’ll always be a bitch.
I don’t mean that intended at the OP but in the context of her question. She says her friend thinks he’s not worthy of her & is too overweight, she is now wondering too if she can tolerate it, she too has lost the same amount of weight she wants him to lose in the past few months. If he met her when she was fat /chubby do you think he’d be saying lose weight darling or I won’t date you. I think the OP had said he had said she was beautiful and it didn’t make a difference to him. That sounds like a guy to really consider as a keeper - especially as they connect so well and get on so well and the OP has been single and looking for so long.
He can always go back to the gym and lose the stone or two - like she did.
I wonder if the OP puts back on a stone if she thinks he will be good enough for her then?
I’m not saying fat people are automatically (as) attractive or desirable as lovers but I am saying that he can lose the covid weight - it has been an exceptional year. He will still have the same great sounding outlook and personality. Only be hotter.
Pounds come and go. Personality is forever.0 -
It was mentioned above about a lot of overweight men won't date overweight women so he may not have given her a second look before she dropped the weight. This can also be the case the other way around.
Either way she needs to find him attractive, attraction is different for everyone, was one likes another detests.
Losing weight can change a personality as it changes how people interact and treat you and you can feed from this.
I don't think the OP has mentioned weight to this guy in any context so not sure if he said it made no difference to him, this was the other thread I think.
What it boils down to is you can't force attraction, you can give it time and see if it develops, its been a few dates and she doesn't know him fully yet so a couple more won't do any harm to see if their lifestyles are compatible0 -
JustAThought wrote: »Y - I think you’re right.
Isn’t there that awful girls slapdown - I can lose weight but you’ll always be a bitch.
I don’t mean that intended at the OP but in the context of her question. She says her friend thinks he’s not worthy of her & is too overweight, she is now wondering too if she can tolerate it, she too has lost the same amount of weight she wants him to lose in the past few months. If he met her when she was fat /chubby do you think he’d be saying lose weight darling or I won’t date you. I think the OP had said he had said she was beautiful and it didn’t make a difference to him. That sounds like a guy to really consider as a keeper - especially as they connect so well and get on so well and the OP has been single and looking for so long.
He can always go back to the gym and lose the stone or two - like she did.
I wonder if the OP puts back on a stone if she thinks he will be good enough for her then?
I’m not saying fat people are automatically (as) attractive or desirable as lovers but I am saying that he can lose the covid weight - it has been an exceptional year. He will still have the same great sounding outlook and personality. Only be hotter.
Pounds come and go. Personality is forever.
I never said I lost the same amount of weight I think he should lose. I don't think he "should" or shouldn't do anything! I did say I was not as heavy looking as he is now.
It's not about him being "good enough" for me, it's about me not wanting to force something that just isn't there physically, and potentially hurting his feelings, but also not being totally sure yet.
Weight is clearly a complete minefield, understandably so. I have not once mentioned it or even alluded to it on our dates, nor would I. We're talking man boobs and a pretty sizeable gut. I don't know how to phrase that in a way that doesn't offend anyone.0 -
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TracyFlick wrote: »I never said I lost the same amount of weight I think he should lose. I don't think he "should" or shouldn't do anything! I did say I was not as heavy looking as he is now.
It's not about him being "good enough" for me, it's about me not wanting to force something that just isn't there physically, and potentially hurting his feelings, but also not being totally sure yet.
Weight is clearly a complete minefield, understandably so. I have not once mentioned it or even alluded to it on our dates, nor would I. We're talking man boobs and a pretty sizeable gut. I don't know how to phrase that in a way that doesn't offend anyone.
You're wasting his time and your own.0 -
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Bring it up. Be honest with him, he probably knows himself he needs to lose the weight. Make the next date a hike0
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Bring it up. Be honest with him, he probably knows himself he needs to lose the weight. Make the next date a hike
I think being honest is the best approach.
But also he's not going to lose weight overnight, if ever. So being honest about the weight means there's unlikely a future in this relationship. But at least the cards are in the table for both to see. People can make dramatic weight changes. It's not impossible. But it's very difficult.
What happens if he loses the weight and the attraction still isn't there. That would be hard.0 -
Or maybe if she doesn't take it any further, and then sees him in 6 months' time with somebody else, having lost the weight? :eek:I think being honest is the best approach.
But also he's not going to lose weight overnight, if ever. So being honest about the weight means there's unlikely a future in this relationship. But at least the cards are in the table for both to see. People can make dramatic weight changes. It's not impossible. But it's very difficult.
What happens if he loses the weight and the attraction still isn't there. That would be hard.
All the what-ifs are pointless. One thing she can't do, IMV, is make the relationship dependent on him losing weight. That would be really unhealthy.
What the OP needs to do IMO is work out for herself why she's so hesitant - and I still think her mentioning the girlfriend whose opinion is making her cringe in advance shows that other people's opinions have a lot more to do with it than she's allowed herself to admit.
Otherwise she wouldn't be hesitating - she'd know the relationship wasn't a goer for her. Obviously just IMO, but it's the impression I've been getting from the start.0 -
TracyFlick wrote: »I’ve been on a few dates with a guy. I’m 34F, he’s 38M. We get on great. Have lots in common and similar attitudes to lots of things, I already feel like I could chat away to him about anything. I do not underestimate how rarely I click with someone this way, I’ve had tumbleweeds dating wise for a long time now.
However, he could stand to lose at least 2 stone, more like 3. This bothers me. It doesn’t make me want to hop on him.
Should I carry on seeing him or not? Genuinely torn. At the back of my mind I’m also thinking, if he’s already got a fairly hefty paunch at 38, is it gonna be another 2 stone in 5 years time? I feel like I can’t tell him the real reason why I might end things here, I mean a man would never say that to a woman, even if that was the reason.
of course you should not carry on seeing him if this aspect of the guy bothers you
My fiance is overweight and it borrows me , she is two stone heavier than when i met her eight years ago so your instincts are correct about him being likely to put on more0 -
Don't feel like a cow, OP.
You're just not into him, it's clearly coming across in your posts.
Don't waste anymore of your time or his. Tell him, you enjoyed his company for the short time but going forward you don't see anything in you both as compatible. No need to mention sparks, looks, etc.
You're not together long enough for an indepth conversation on the hows and whys.
Wish him luck and move on.To thine own self be true
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TracyFlick wrote: »I kind of resent that, my original post came from a place of very much not wanting to just "throw someone away".
Tracy , we make up our minds in about five seconds after meeting someone as to whether or not we are sexually attracted to them
you arent when it comes to this guy , end it , its not a big deal after a few dates0 -
TracyFlick wrote: »I kind of resent that, my original post came from a place of very much not wanting to just "throw someone away".
Not sure what's to resent about that comment. You don't want to throw away a few dates with a guy you don't fancy, nothing wrong with not fancying someone but you're wasting both your time as it's not going to work without physical attraction.0 -
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Honestly, OP, I genuinely don't think the weight is the issue with this guy - you just don't fancy him, but wish you did because everything else is there and you're looking for something "fixable" to pin that lack of attraction on in the hopes you can make it go away.
In my experience if you don't want to rip someone's clothes off by three dates (and I reckon most of us know by pretty early on in the first), then you just don't fancy them, simple as. They can tick every other box you have, you can know on an academic level that they're otherwise perfect for you, but if you're just not sexually attracted to them then that's pretty much that, I'm afraid.
Does it absolutely suck? Yes, bet your ass it does. But all the navel-gazing in the world about "Am I just being shallow?" won't change that, because shallow doesn't come into it in these fundamental-lack-of-chemistry situations. I suspect that even if he wasn't carrying the bit of weight, you still wouldn't have fancied him.
I say accept that fact and free yourself from whatever weird guilt you're feeling about not fancying him. It happens. We've all been there, on both sides of the equation.0
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