Partner called me a ‘c***’ during an argument

Anongirl306

The latest exchange has made me very confused

Me: This is not a decision I just made on a whim. If you want to talk in 2-3 weeks, I will do that. Are you planning on staying on the house during that time?

Him: Well i don't have anywhere else to go. What is the ideal scenario for you?I think it is safe to say that we both need time to cool off and talk properly when things are clearer and calmer (this is not really true because his parents and sister have spare rooms and don’t live far from us)

Me: that’s fine I just wanted clarification

Him: Ok. I feel like any talks in the next couple of weeks would be unproductive. It's clear that both parties are upset at the moment. If there's anything that I can do to help in this process, e.g. stay out of your way as much as possible, let me know.

My aunt suggested maybe he is depressed and doesn’t know how to deal with it, and now I’m feeling really confused

KiKi III

Why not ask him straight out to stay with his parents or sister for a while?

Idle Passerby

It sounded like you had your mind made up to end the relationship. Don't let him derail your own best judgement. From my own experience, Im certain he's only trying to confuse you now so you'll doubt yourself and agree to try again.

And as others have pointed out, he's not even being nice about it. He's acting like he's been completely reasonable and it is you throwing wobblies for no reason, which you know isn't the case.

Tork

Your aunt is not qualified to make pronouncements about his mental health. Depression sometimes gets used as a convenient label to excuse bad behaviour when in fact it is just someone being a ****head. Have you made an appointment to talk to a counsellor yet? I think you need to do it today. Don't long finger it. You are going to continue to read his texts, melt your head and succumb to his bombardment.

It comes as no surprise that he isn't going to leave. He knows that he will eventually find the right tricks and manipulate you again.

rainbowtrout

Anongirl306 wrote: »

The latest exchange has made me very confused

Me: This is not a decision I just made on a whim. If you want to talk in 2-3 weeks, I will do that. Are you planning on staying on the house during that time?

Him: Well i don't have anywhere else to go. What is the ideal scenario for you?I think it is safe to say that we both need time to cool off and talk properly when things are clearer and calmer (this is not really true because his parents and sister have spare rooms and don’t live far from us)

Me: that’s fine I just wanted clarification

Him: Ok. I feel like any talks in the next couple of weeks would be unproductive. It's clear that both parties are upset at the moment. If there's anything that I can do to help in this process, e.g. stay out of your way as much as possible, let me know.

My aunt suggested maybe he is depressed and doesn’t know how to deal with it, and now I’m feeling really confused

You telling him that talking in 2-3 weeks is sending him a mixed message that you haven't completely shut the door.

If his family live nearby then ask him to go there.

Him saying that 'we both need time to cool off' is not true. He wants you to change your mind in this time, while he continues to try and wear you down.

By telling him that's fine, you have agreed to all of that and haven't completely shut the door. It's either finished or it isn't. It makes no odds to me personally whether you split or not, but he will continue to try and keep you talking to get you back in line.

He then goes on to say that any talks in the next couple of weeks would be unproductive... so when is he suggesting you talk? Six months time? On the day of the wedding. It's just stall tactics.

Please do as Tork said and go and see a counsellor. It would be helpful to print out this thread to show the counsellor as well as detailing other parts of your relationship. But the more you talk to him the more he wangles his way back in. He's very good at it.

tara73

OP, after your last post, at the end of the day, I can see you are not really taking in what people say here.
This is going around in circles I get the feeling...starting also to confuse posters here who take you and this mess very seriously and take the time to reply lenghty posts.

Why did you reply to him? And with an answer which is very ambiguous regarding your assertiveness in this break up.

It's getting a bit tiring I think. If you know he can live somewhere else and he's offering it, why don't you grab that opportunity on a whim to get him out of the house?

Tork

It doesn't look like you've done anything more definite than make that appointment with the solicitor. You haven't cancelled the wedding yet, have you? Or booked a session with a counsellor. There is still an ambiguity about whether this relationship is actually over. Certainly, the way your partner is behaving he seems to be under the impression that this will all be fixed in a few weeks time. So what is it? Do you actually want to break up? I'm not convinced.

osarusan

If your mind is made up that the relationship is over, why are you willing to talk to him in a couple of weeks? Talk about what?

It sounds like you are not 100% convinced that you do want to beak up. You need to work that out in your own head before you start communicating with him.

sadie1502

Giving advise. She can chose to take it or leave it. Its upto you OP but don't feel pushed or pursuaded by anyone. Do what's right for you. Take the time. Get the therapy and then go from there. Do what's best for you but I definitely think therapy before solicitor. Ask him to move out for the few weeks that would really help you both.

Tork

OP, get yourself to a therapist ASAP. You are very confused and I'm starting to wonder if this thread is doing you more harm than good. None of us knows the full facts about your 5-year relationship so we can only advise you based on what you're telling us. None of us is qualified to help you in the way you need either. I have a feeling there is a lot of complex thinking that needs to be teased out with somebody who is trained and experienced in dealing with relationships. You mentioned that you were going to see a counsellor. I hope you're not sitting on your hands and holding off on doing that because it's easier to post here instead.

KiKi III

I think some are being a little harsh on the OP here. It’s not surprising to me that a few days after the decision you haven’t cancelled the wedding, seen a counselor and met the solicitor. So don’t be too hard on yourself in that regard.

All that stuff needs to be done, but not necessarily immediately (I wouldn’t hang around on the therapy though - that’s priority number one)

When you talk to friends and family about it, are you talking in terms of it definitely being over? Or taking space/ time to figure things out?

Anongirl306

I thought I was 100% clear on wanting to break up. I have made an appointment to see a counselor next week. There is a tiny voice in my head that crept in saying maybe you should hear him out at least after 2/3 weeks. Guess I’m just all over the place

KiKi III

Anongirl306 wrote: »

I thought I was 100% clear on wanting to break up. I have made an appointment to see a counselor next week. There is a tiny voice in my head that crept in saying maybe you should hear him out at least after 2/3 weeks. Guess I’m just all over the place

Good on you for making the appointment.

I’d consider that niggly voice expressing doubt to be completely normal (you’d get that for almost any big life-altering decision).

Sitting down in 2-3 weeks to talk seems reasonable as you’ll have to make decisions on the house and wedding vendors assuming that the break up is permanent. Just don’t send him mixed messages.

SozBbz

Anongirl306 wrote: »

The latest exchange has made me very confused

Me: This is not a decision I just made on a whim. If you want to talk in 2-3 weeks, I will do that. Are you planning on staying on the house during that time?

Him: Well i don't have anywhere else to go. What is the ideal scenario for you?I think it is safe to say that we both need time to cool off and talk properly when things are clearer and calmer (this is not really true because his parents and sister have spare rooms and don’t live far from us)

Me: that’s fine I just wanted clarification

Him: Ok. I feel like any talks in the next couple of weeks would be unproductive. It's clear that both parties are upset at the moment. If there's anything that I can do to help in this process, e.g. stay out of your way as much as possible, let me know.

My aunt suggested maybe he is depressed and doesn’t know how to deal with it, and now I’m feeling really confused

OP, I cannot understand how you won't ask him to stay wtih his family - how can either of you properly have space while sharing a house.

I agree with the others that his behaviour is very worrying.

-duration of his silent period
-refusal to apologise for that (so he'd definitely do it again)
-tries to reshape your joint issues as your own personal issues (your work stress etc)

Please ask him to move out so you can get some clarity on the situation.

Tork

If he believes the relationship can be saved, moving out for a few weeks shouldn't be any big deal.

osarusan

Anongirl306 wrote: »

I thought I was 100% clear on wanting to break up. I have made an appointment to see a counselor next week. There is a tiny voice in my head that crept in saying maybe you should hear him out at least after 2/3 weeks. Guess I’m just all over the place

I'd ignore this thread for a while. You need to work out how it is you feel, and what it is you want.



It's easy for people on here to give advice, and you might have taken some useful stuff from the thread, but don't do anything just because of what's said on here. None of us know you. Talk to people who do know you, family, friends, see what they think.

Anongirl306

I imagine he doesn’t want to explain to his family why he’s not staying in his own home. We both pay the mortgage so do I have a right to ask him to leave?

Tork

I think you should make no big decisions until you speak to a therapist. Sometimes family members aren't the best people to give you advice so be careful. For example, your aunt wondering if he is depressed may be doing you more harm than good. I also believe you should ask your partner to move out for a couple of weeks and to stop texting you. You can see that every time he texts, the tone shifts and you're getting more and more doubtful about what you want. That is why you so badly need to talk to a person who knows what they're talking about and can ask the right questions.

KiKi III

Anongirl306 wrote: »

I imagine he doesn’t want to explain to his family why he’s not staying in his own home. We both pay the mortgage so do I have a right to ask him to leave?

Well, one of you needs to and he has nearby options whereas your family are up North. Besides you being the majority owner.

If you’re breaking up, he’ll have to tell his family at some point?

1hnr79jr65

Anongirl306 wrote: »

I thought I was 100% clear on wanting to break up. I have made an appointment to see a counselor next week. There is a tiny voice in my head that crept in saying maybe you should hear him out at least after 2/3 weeks. Guess I’m just all over the place

Op, there is nothing wrong with your head being all over the place, it is a natural reaction to trying to deal with a stressful situation. I will say something very cold but needed to be said, it is not your responsibility if your ex has mental health issues, if it is a case he does have these issues then HE needs to seek appropriate help for them, it does not fall to you to resolve this for him.

At the end of the day whatever is going on with him, he has used that to abuse you emotionally/mentally and YOU need your own help. From what you have put into this thread it is clear staying together is not the right course to take and i get you are hurting and empathetic to possible needs you ex has, BUT you need to help you.

You have made great progress in a short time frame, you need to stay on this path for your own well being. If you need reassurance that you are doing the right thing by breaking up, then read all your own posts on this thread, understand where you have been led by your ex's actions. But what ever you do, don't let your ex try manipulate you with emotions, set boundaries and stick to them, don't revisit for talks in future, surround yourself with good friends/family even if only on skype and be good to yourself.

Tork

Anongirl306 wrote: »

I imagine he doesn’t want to explain to his family why he’s not staying in his own home. We both pay the mortgage so do I have a right to ask him to leave?

Just ask him to go to stay with someone to give you space for now. As far as he (and you?) are concerned, this is a blip in the road. If he thinks that the relationship can be saved and he respects your wishes, moving out for a few weeks should be no big deal.

LillySV

Op go talk to real friends/family about your scenario and make your own mind up ... don’t be taking advice from a boards forum... lots of high and mighty people here who spend all day either online or watching American dramas... and then think life is just like a far out US drama!!! .... they far from qualified to advise you

Anongirl306

Anongirl306 wrote: »

I imagine he doesn’t want to explain to his family why he’s not staying in his own home. We both pay the mortgage so do I have a right to ask him to leave?

That betrays him, really. As long as no one knows, he thinks the door is still open.

You have the right to ask him anything, and it's worth trying. He has options, he knows you don't so he may hold out.

FunLover18

Anongirl306 wrote: »

I imagine he doesn’t want to explain to his family why he’s not staying in his own home. We both pay the mortgage so do I have a right to ask him to leave?

He's already shown he had no problem sleeping in a different room for an extended period. As someone else mentioned, how is either of you supposed to get the time and space in the same house. don't pose it as asking to leave, pose it as asking for space. Whatever happens one of you needs to leave. As mentioned above it also might do no harm to take a break from this thread as there are now a lot of people posting different advice. At the end of the day this is your relationship and your decision.

HildaOgdenx

osarusan wrote: »

I'd ignore this thread for a while. You need to work out how it is you feel, and what it is you want.



It's easy for people on here to give advice, and you might have taken some useful stuff from the thread, but don't do anything just because of what's said on here. None of us know you. Talk to people who do know you, family, friends, see what they think.

I agree. Of course it's entirely up to you, OP, but it might be no harm to ask the mods to close the thread temporarily and just give yourself a chance to step back and process what has been said between you and him. Talk to the people in your life who know the situation.

The solicitor should be able to advise you in relation to the house.

Neyite

At this stage, I think you need specialised advice - about the house, you need to get legal advice from your solicitor. Acting on well meaning advice from people who are unqualified could hurt you financially.

The other area you need advice on is management of the split on an emotional /practical level. Several posters here have suggested that your partner shows traits that are potentially abusive/controlling and I agree. Even arguing you into knots so your head is utterly fried and you don't know which way is up is a form of coercive control/ Emotional Abuse.

That's why I'm suggesting you speak to a counsellor in Womens Aid. There are many forms of domestic abuse and only a couple of them involve anger or violence. The others are far harder to identify and to deal with when you are in the thick of it. I've personal experience of getting similar support and guidance from them when exiting a controlling relationship myself which is why I would recommend you have a chat with someone from that organisation.

Even if you think things are fairly calm now, leaving a controlling relationship can often escalate the behaviour from the controlling partner. So having a chat with someone in WA will be massively helpful to you at this time.

Neyite

osarusan wrote: »

I'd ignore this thread for a while. You need to work out how it is you feel, and what it is you want.

It's easy for people on here to give advice, and you might have taken some useful stuff from the thread, but don't do anything just because of what's said on here. None of us know you. Talk to people who do know you, family, friends, see what they think.

I agree with this OP. It's easy for me to recommend leaving - but I also remember how I wasn't ready to leave until I was ready - if you know what I mean.

It's wise to make this decision for YOU. By all means get advice and ideally from those who have your best interests at heart but now it's time for you to think about all that advice and work out what's best for you.

kg703

Hi OP,

I've been with my husband 15 years. There has been name calling, sulking and even some silent treatment - we are human. But we are very happy and despite both of us saying and doing things that werent nice and things we dont mean in the heat of an argument - we dont argue often and we always talk it out after a day. Relationships can be hard work. Just on the depression thing, I suffered from it... pretty badly. I didnt even realise how miserable I was making my husband with the constant negativity I aimed at him - without me even realising it. He was the person who helped me see it, lifted me up from it and we became very strong together.

Do what you feel is right. I have read this whole thread and to be honest a face to face honest conversation cannot be covered in a couple of texts and letters. Yes, it seems he has dealt with this very poorly, maybe he needs to work on how he manages his own emotions and deals with conflict. I'm not excusing what he said by the way. I think unless you are 100% certain this is what you want and you fear him, ghosting someone at the end of a five year relationship is cruel. If its what you want, sit face to face and break it to him. It might make the solicitor issue a bit easier.

Also be wary of people online - who do not know you - know him or know the other side of the story and are strangely persistent that you leave him, leave him now, dont speak at all, call solicitor and ignore for the rest of your life! I'm not looking for an argument - everyone here means well but they don't know the situation well enough to make life changing decisions for you. Nor do I. People can only offer advice but you'd probably be better taking it from family & friends who know you both better.

I wish you the best of luck with your decision. Whatever you do, I hope you end up with happiness.

bitofabind

Neyite wrote: »

I agree with this OP. It's easy for me to recommend leaving - but I also remember how I wasn't ready to leave until I was ready - if you know what I mean.

True enough. When I read back on the advice I got here at the time of my relationship breakdown, for the most part it holds true to this day but I didn't just up and leave my relationship. It took a few months to find the strength to do that, I was deeply in love, heartbroken, lost, alone, terrified and just trying to stay afloat most days.

It's one aspect of this forum that can be frustrating, and that I try to remember when I'm offering advice around here these days. Life and relationships are not transactional like a soap opera, it's not "problem identified - solution offered - life changes activated!"and the very act of offering practical advice or support to anyone does not entitle us to have that advice followed within a 'suitable' timeframe - we're talking about someone's life here.

So OP I would say just try to spend these weeks staying afloat. You'll be on an emotional rollercoaster and changing your mind and your feelings on every corner and that's ok, and normal. For me, I cried a lot, spoke to my mum and sister every day, made sure I had weekend plans to get out of the flat (which I shared with my ex for 6 weeks post breakup) and just gave myself permission to fall apart for a few weeks. I hope you'll give yourself that same permission and trust that in the end, you'll do what's best for you in your own time and it's going to work out grand in the end no matter what the outcome. Take care of yourself x

NewMan1982

It seems the opinion on the thread is starting to soften.

I have no doubt these two have communication issues that led them to this point but under no circumstances is hiding in a spare room for a week acceptable behaviour.

This is the beginning of the end. If you don’t dump him now it will happen further down the road eventually. There is no way back to a healthy relationship.

Tell him to move out for a few weeks. At least that way you can change the locks while he thinks a reconciliation is on the cards.

I’ve been with partners who acted a tiny bit like this. It doesn’t go away and it doesn’t get better.

You are bound to have doubts. It’s one of the reasons I stayed in relationships too long myself. I could never quite pull the trigger. Eventually they did for other reasons and once I got over the inevitable grieving period I was always glad it ended. I always wondered why I didn’t end it sooner.