Partner called me a ‘c***’ during an argument

Tork

The main thing here, OP, is that you've got to get the ball rolling on this. Not just with talking to your solicitor but by cancelling the wedding, getting yourself some counselling and working on getting him out of your house. He is not going to budge without a fight - I hope you realise that. He is going to play the long game and wear you down. Also, while there is ambiguity about whether the relationship is over, he won't be going. As far as he's concerned, you haven't broken up so why should he leave his home? The longer this drags out, the worse it will get.

I'm leaning towards one final text to him along the lines of "I don't need any more time as I've decided this relationship is over. However long you need to process that is nothing to do with me anymore. Don't text me again, if you do I won't read or reply to it."

That leaves him in no doubt that further texting isn't going to go anywhere.

Idle Passerby

I'd be wary of continuing to text him trying to get the message across. The OP has stated her case, if he fails to understand that's his problem. What's more likely is that he does understand but he's deliberately trying to keep her talking because he can't manipulate someone who refuses to engage with him.

KiKi III

Just as a side note, people were really critical of the OP earlier in the thread for noting that he was texting her at work when she has a stressful job. Interesting to see her now ex is happy to bring that up when it suits him.

He’s blamed everything (Covid, her job, wedding stress) but his own actions.

Anongirl306

I emailed my solicitor yesterday and he advised to phone him to discuss it, I’m off work tomorrow so will do it then

Tork

Does your solicitor know what sort of person he is though? The impression I get from what you've told us here is that he's pretty good at pinpointing certain things, twisting them and turning them back on you. I know you can't continue to communicate with him over text messaging but phone calls have their risks too. At the very least, I'd be recording them.

tara73

Anongirl306 wrote: »

I emailed my solicitor yesterday and he advised to phone him to discuss it, I’m off work tomorrow so will do it then

what does it mean? tbh, I find the advise from a solicitor a bit weird. as poster above mentioned, didn't you tell him what kind of person he is?

we all advise you here to stop communicating with him and let it go through your solicitor and the solicitor advises you to discuss things with him.

did you just email this solicitor and didn't talk in person to him or on the phone? I think you need to handle this properly in finding the right/professional solicitor. it can all backfire if you have an unprofessional person here. you should ask for recommendations from the bar association, even better if friends/family can recommend one from personal experiencce with one.

Tork

I am not a fan of using written text as a way to communicate complex issues or resolve arguments. I think if you had had a telephone conversation wtih your solicitor, it might have been more fruitful. He's going to run rings around you tomorrow if you're not careful

rainbowtrout

Tork wrote: »

Does your solicitor know what sort of person he is though? The impression I get from what you've told us here is that he's pretty good at pinpointing certain things, twisting them and turning them back on you. I know you can't continue to communicate with him over text messaging but phone calls have their risks too. At the very least, I'd be recording them.

I think she means phone the solicitor

Tork

Ah, OK. I like that advice better.

tara73

rainbowtrout wrote: »

I think she means phone the solicitor

oh, I see, if that's the case complete misunderstanding OP, sorry.

Anongirl306

Sorry I wasn’t clear, phone the solicitor was what I meant. I haven’t mentioned about his personality to the solicitor yet anyway

rainbowtrout

Anongirl306 wrote: »

Sorry I wasn’t clear, phone the solicitor was what I meant. I haven’t mentioned about his personality to the solicitor yet anyway

It might be worth your while writing down everything you posted in this thread (nowhere it can be found) so you have it on hand to go through with the solicitor tomorrow so you don't leave anything out. Also note all of the responses/silent treatment etc to give your solicitor a clear picture of what is going on.

Big Bag of Chips

I don't think it's going to matter to the solicitor. He doesn't need to know specifics. He just needs to know that you are separating due to the breakdown of the relationship. Communication isn't good and what do you need to do, what does he need to do etc.

It will come down to a division of assets. Who said what, or who sulked for a week in a bedroom is all going to be irrelevant! It's a business transaction. He's not interested in personalities. The solicitor is going to act in your interests. You want sell the house, buy him out whatever. That is what the solicitor will deal with.

Tork

Naturally, the solicitor doesn't need to know all the he said she said stuff. But would it be helpful to know that he's not accepting the break up and that he shuts down discussions he doesn't like?

sadie1502

Would you maybe try councilling firstly and then together. Take some time. I know that goes against the majority but I think if you still love the guy. None of us are perfect. Maybe if you have someone else to perhaps help ye. I dunno but you seem to be flying way ahead. Do you still love and care for him?

MissShihTzu

sadie1502 wrote: »

Would you maybe try councilling firstly and then together. Take some time. I know that goes against the majority but I think if you still love the guy. None of us are perfect. Maybe if you have someone else to perhaps help ye. I dunno but you seem to be flying way ahead. Do you still love and care for him?

Um. Counselling jointly isn't recommended for abusive relationships which this appears to be. Did you also miss the parts where the OP has stated her partner is not engaging and not taking her seriously?

KiKi III

sadie1502 wrote: »

Would you maybe try councilling firstly and then together. Take some time. I know that goes against the majority but I think if you still love the guy. None of us are perfect. Maybe if you have someone else to perhaps help ye. I dunno but you seem to be flying way ahead. Do you still love and care for him?

Is love a good enough reason to stay with someone who treats you badly?

Toots

OP I have a family member who went through something similar and what I would recommend is that if you have anything in your house that is of sentimental value, take it out discretely and put it somewhere safe, like your parents house or something like that. Same goes for important documents.

My relative's ex was still living there for a couple of months after the split and he turned very nasty in the end. She got all the manipulation you are getting now, but when she stood her ground he escalated and took a lot of her stuff and lied about it.

sadie1502

MissShihTzu wrote: »

Um. Counselling jointly isn't recommended for abusive relationships which this appears to be. Did you also miss the parts where the OP has stated her partner is not engaging and not taking her seriously?

Well that's why I was suggesting therapy of some sort. It may help them both. Look its a suggestion. That's it.

sadie1502

KiKi III wrote: »

Is love a good enough reason to stay with someone who treats you badly?

Look none of us are there. But being with someone for 5 years getting married surly its worth a go and then walk away if they both don't feel its working. Like I say its a suggestion. Give it a bit of time.

Tork

I think it's too risky for the two of them to go to couples counselling. It is the worst thing that a couple can do if the relationship is abusive. The reason being, it gives the abusive partner loads of ammunition to throw at the other one. None of us is in a position to say whether this relationship is abusive or not but it doesn't sound like a normal run of the mill one either.

Being together 5 years is no reason to save this. Maybe it was 5 years too long that she was in it?

sadie1502

Tork wrote: »

I think it's too risky for the two of them to go to couples counselling. It is the worst thing that a couple can do if the relationship is abusive. The reason being, it gives the abusive partner loads of ammunition to throw at the other one. None of us is in a position to say whether this relationship is abusive or not but it doesn't sound like a normal run of the mill one either.

Being together 5 years is no reason to save this. Maybe it was 5 years too long that she was in it?

Well therapy alone and then maybe together if things are going in the right direction. No I'm not saying that but they must have loved each other to be together for that time and thinking of marriage that's all I meant.

Of course I don't condone abuse on any level. Was he always abusive? Just trying to figure it all out or is this something of recent?

These are strange times is it only recently all this abuse started?

There is no magic wand but I'd give it a bit of time and think before I pulled the trigger. That's just me.

NewMan1982

It’s too late for counselling in my opinion. Any sort of reconciliation will be seen as a green light to act like that again in the future.

They weren’t compatible. She sulks to deal with issues and he huffs and goes silent.

There’s no way back from going missing in a spare room for a week. That’s just madness.

rainbowtrout

sadie1502 wrote: »

Well therapy alone and then maybe together if things are going in the right direction. No I'm not saying that but they must have loved each other to be together for that time and thinking of marriage that's all I meant.

Of course I don't condone abuse on any level. Was he always abusive? Just trying to figure it all out or is this something of recent?

These are strange times is it only recently all this abuse started?

There is no magic wand but I'd give it a bit of time and think before I pulled the trigger. That's just me.

Read his text messages to her. Nowhere in any of them does he suggest he cares about her at any level. It's all about control.

sadie1502

I read them. Yeah look its down to OP and what she wants. But that would be my advise. Take a step back think it out get some therapy and see. None of us are perfect and we do f up at times. I wish you the best OP for the future.

Tork

Sadie, did you read the entire thread? There is a lot of information to be gleaned from what the OP told us. Read her posts carefully and then ask yourself again if this relationship is one that should be saved. While we are only hearing her side of the story, there is enough there to pinpoint very troubling behaviours on her partner's side. The danger with her going to couples counselling with him (something he shot down before) is that he'll use what she says against her. She has also said he doesn't have much empathy and is able to close off his emotions. Is that really the sort of person to marry and have a family with?

sadie1502

Tork wrote: »

Sadie, did you read the entire thread? There is a lot of information to be gleaned from what the OP told us. Read her posts carefully and then ask yourself again if this relationship is one that should be saved. While we are only hearing her side of the story, there is enough there to pinpoint very troubling behaviours on her partner's side. The danger with her going to couples counselling with him (something he shot down before) is that he'll use what she says against her. She has also said he doesn't have much empathy and is able to close off his emotions. Is that really the sort of person to marry and have a family with?

Look we don't know the full picture really. Only what OP states. I've no reason to doubt but I'm sure her other half sees it very differently. That's why I suggest therapy alone and then maybe together.

Tork

I'm not going to get in argument with you because it will derail the thread. And we're starting to argue around the OP rather than talk to her.

OP, if you still think counselling should happen, please don't even think about it until you have gone to talk to somebody by yourself.

sadie1502

I'm not arguing at all.

Just my opinion that's it.

Best of luck op whatever you decide.