Hen Weekends?

El_Duderino 09

sallyanne12 wrote: »

...Also even if he cuts contact with you and doesn't believe you, hold your head high cos honesty is the best policy, and he will see down the line her true colours

And then you'd have the last laugh because you were right and they were wrong. And now they're upset and unhappy all because they didn't listen to you. That's not really that important.

Fact is, honesty is not always the best policy. Other people are free to make their own decisions - even when they're terrible decisions. And this guy has chosen to marry her. Maybe he knows what his bride and her friends are like, better than the OP does.

El_Duderino 09

El_Duderino 09 wrote: »

And then you'd have the last laugh because you were right and they were wrong. And now they're upset and unhappy all because they didn't listen to you. That's not really that important.

Fact is, honesty is not always the best policy. Other people are free to make their own decisions - even when they're terrible decisions. And this guy has chosen to marry her. Maybe he knows what his bride and her friends are like, better than the OP does.

Definitely no harm telling him then.

sallyanne12

El_Duderino 09 wrote: »

And then you'd have the last laugh because you were right and they were wrong. And now they're upset and unhappy all because they didn't listen to you. That's not really that important.

Fact is, honesty is not always the best policy. Other people are free to make their own decisions - even when they're terrible decisions. And this guy has chosen to marry her. Maybe he knows what his bride and her friends are like, better than the OP does.

I think the most important criteria for being a wife is loyalty!?
Maybe he knows or maybe he doesn't, so tell him and then he will definitely know. Like seriously how people think it's ok is beyond me!!!
She could even become pregnant from one of these bits of "fun."
It's sick!

El_Duderino 09

sallyanne12 wrote: »

I think the most important criteria for being a wife is loyalty!?
Maybe he knows or maybe he doesn't, so tell him and then he will definitely know. Like seriously how people think it's ok is beyond me!!!
She could even become pregnant from one of these bits of "fun."
It's sick!

I haven't suggested what she did is OK. But it's definitely not the OP's job to tell him. The bloke probably knows his fiancé better than the OP does. So just leave him to make his own decision.

Honestly, most people know plenty of people who have cheated and we don't go round telling tales on everyone. I think the OP's Mrs should have kept it to herself and and if she knew the OP might blab, the she definitely should have kept it to herself.

It's not the playground. its adult life and adults are allowed to know things without telling anyone. Makes life simpler to stay out of other people's business, even when they do things that you don't agree with.

Kidchameleon

El_Duderino 09 wrote: »

No you should not tell him. If you tell him then you grass your Mrs up for telling you in the first place. If your Mrs wants to tell him then she can tell him. If she doesn't want to tell him then that's her decision.

OP, you weren't there so you don't have any first hand information, so what do you actually know?

Awful, awful, awful advise above ^^^ ignore it. The Op's wife told him so it is as good as first hand information.

Anyway...

Tell him immediately. She could have STD's and she risks cuckolding him aswell.

Also, he should know who he is marrying. If she is that promiscuous, she will no doubt do it again once married. Only then he will have to pay her maintenance / have the state take his home from him and give it to her.

No, this poor man should not be marrying that woman.

El_Duderino 09

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Awful, awful, awful advise above ^^^ ignore it. The Op's wife told him so it is as good as first hand information.

Anyway...

Tell him immediately. She could have STD's and she risks cuckolding him aswell.

Also, he should know who he is marrying. If she is that promiscuous, she will no doubt do it again once married. Only then he will have to pay her maintenance / have the state take his home from him and give it to her.

No, this poor man should not be marrying that woman.

It's not as good as First hand information and can't simply be taken as truth. If that's how it worked then the fiancé's denial could also be taken as truth.

The man probably knows more about the woman he's marrying than the OP does. And ultimately, it's really, really not for you to decide who should or should not get married. People are free to make terrible decisions. It's their right, by Jove

sallyanne12

Also OP being his friend I'm sure you would know if they have that "arrangement" someone mentioned whereby they cheat and stay quiet. Does your friend cheat on her???

sallyanne12

El_Duderino 09 wrote: »

It's not as good as First hand information and can't simply be taken as truth. If that's how it worked then the fiancé's denial could also be taken as truth.

The man probably knows more about the woman he's marrying than the OP does. And ultimately, it's really, really not for you to decide who should or should not get married. People are free to make terrible decisions. It's their right, by Jove

Yes people are free to make bad decisions but you're not getting it!!!
He might not KNOW it's a bad decision... OP needs to make sure he knows

sallyanne12

sallyanne12 wrote: »

Also OP being his friend I'm sure you would know if they have that "arrangement" someone mentioned whereby they cheat and stay quiet. Does your friend cheat on her???

What’s the harm in telling him then if he already knows because of some arrangement? Even less reason not to tell.

El_Duderino 09

sallyanne12 wrote: »

Yes people are free to make bad decisions but you're not getting it!!!
He might not KNOW it's a bad decision... OP needs to make sure he knows

He doesn't need to make sure of anything. He can simply keep his nose out of it. Nothing could be simpler.

El_Duderino 09

ReginaldSmythV wrote: »

What’s the harm in telling him then if he already knows because of some arrangement? Even less reason not to tell.

Depends on the arrangement. Could be a "don't ask, don't tell" situation. In any case it's absolutely none of the OP's business and they've made the decision to keep their beak out - the right decision, in my opinion.

El_Duderino 09

El_Duderino 09 wrote: »

He doesn't need to make sure of anything. He can simply keep his nose out of it. Nothing could be simpler.

That’s the wrong thing to do though. Grand for the spineless who just want an easy time of it but if you have any decency in you at all then you tell them what you know and let them make the best decisions for themselves after that. At the very least you’re letting them get tested for whatever doses she could be dragging home, or leaving them rearing someone else’s mistake.

Sardonicat

sallyanne12 wrote: »

Also OP being his friend I'm sure you would know if they have that "arrangement" someone mentioned whereby they cheat and stay quiet. Does your friend cheat on her???

Why would anyone be privy to that sort of private arrangement between a couple? It's not something people generally share. For all any of us know this couple chose a 'don't ask, don't tell' approach to their hen/stag nights, in which case he most definitely would not want to be told.

Keep out if it, op, not your circus or your monkeys. They don't sound like a bunch of women I'd like to be associating with. They obviously have a very different value set to your oh too. Might be time to start distancing yourselves away from the inevitable drama.

El_Duderino 09

ReginaldSmythV wrote: »

That’s the wrong thing to do though. Grand for the spineless who just want an easy time of it but if you have any decency in you at all then you tell them what you know and let them make the best decisions for themselves after that.

Ah don't go down the name calling route. I could say that telling tales is for rats but it would be counterproductive.

Is there no value in discretion? It's OK to know things and not spread it around. I actually see value in someone who doesn't tell tales.

Hoboo

El_Duderino 09 wrote: »

Ah don't go down the name calling route. I could say that telling tales is for rats but it would be counterproductive.

Is there no value in discretion? It's OK to know things and not spread it around. I actually see value in someone who doesn't tell tales.

I'd prefer a mate that tells me tales than a wife who tells me lies. Far more value in honesty than discretion in this case.

El_Duderino 09

El_Duderino 09 wrote: »

Ah don't go down the name calling route. I could say that telling tales is for rats but it would be counterproductive.

Is there no value in discretion? It's OK to know things and not spread it around. I actually see value in someone who doesn't tell tales.

I’m not calling anyone specific names so don’t go card fishing. It is the easy way out to bury the head and let someone you know get taken for an absolute fool. It also shows a massive void where compassion normally lives in a person.
There is zero value in discretion in this case when you weigh up that you are actively participating in someone potentially wasting years of their life because of some stupid “no touting” rubbish.

Idle Passerby

I think if someone cheats so flagrantly, with no attempt at discretion, it's only a matter of time before news gets back to the partner. I imagine if its news to him, he'd rather hear it now than a few years into the marriage. If he already knows and is ok with it theres no harm done.

I think if there was an open arrangement, the OPs wife would have been informed. Why would someone cheat publicaly and just assume others won't be shocked/disgusted/feel a moral obligation to tell the cheated on partner?

If I was the OPs wife I think I'd be distancing myself from that friend group regardless. There's a big mismatch in outlooks.

ShaShaBear

Unfortunately now that you've decided to go down the most ridiculous route, there's not really much point telling your mate. You've given his partner ample opportunity to cover her tracks, get her story straight with the other married women and they will likely all come up with an excuse as to why your wife would "make it all up". If he loves her, he will more than likely believe her. If you were hell-bent on telling, you should have gone straight to him discreetly or contacted him anonymously to let him know.

On the normality of hens, mine was 4 years ago. I am by no means a prude but I felt bold touching the bum of my very gay stripper. I would never have dreamed of cheating on my partner, nor would any of my friends. In saying that, said stripper informed us that the reason our booked session was late starting was because the last bride-to-be knocked him over, jumped on his face and peed on him. I was outraged and encouraged him to cancel or find a replacement, but he told us that it had become quite common for bridal/hen parties to have absolute scumbags present, and quite usually the bride the biggest culprit.

El_Duderino 09

ReginaldSmythV wrote: »

I’m not calling anyone specific names so don’t go card fishing. It is the easy way out to bury the head and let someone you know get taken for an absolute fool. It also shows a massive void where compassion normally lives in a person.
There is zero value in discretion in this case when you weigh up that you are actively participating in someone potentially wasting years of their life because of some stupid “no touting” rubbish.

Can you tell me you have never heard about an affair and kept it to yourself? I'll bet you never actually tell when you find out about an affair in reality, whatever you say on a thread. That's what I do any time I hear about it - say nothing to anyone because it's none of my business.

In reality, it's what most people do most of the time. I'd say now't. I always say now't when I find out about something that's none of my business.

I wouldn’t like to see some person I call a friend pick up diseases or end up raising something that isn’t his own. I’d always tell.

El_Duderino 09

ReginaldSmythV wrote: »

I wouldn’t like to see some person I call a friend pick up diseases or end up raising something that isn’t his own. I’d always tell.

That's internet talk. I'll bet you've heard about affairs without telling

I have heard of two and told both times.

But then you’ll say I’m just saying that.

Then I’ll tell you again that I told both times.

Then you’ll say I’m just saying that because it’s internet talk.

Etc, etc, etc.

To infinity.

El_Duderino 09

ReginaldSmythV wrote: »

I have heard of two and told both times.

But then you’ll say I’m just saying that.

Then I’ll tell you again that I told both times.

Then you’ll say I’m just saying that because it’s internet talk.

Etc, etc, etc.

To infinity.

And beyond!

Nobody has ever changed anyone’s mind in the history of Boards anyway.

I'm glad I'm not friends with most of the posters here!
If my friend knew the person I was due to marry was off riding other people I would expect them to tell me!

OP, depends how close you are with the groom, if he is genuinely a good close friend, I would tell him.

KiKi III

“Snitches get stitches” is a pretty immature attitude to take here.

This man is going to make a potentially lifelong legal and emotional commitment to this woman. She is likely to become the mother of his children.

He deserves to know the truth.

If he decides to go ahead with the wedding, so be it. If he decides not to, you’ve saved him literally years and thousands of euro worth of hassle.

Dog day

bubblypop wrote: »

I'm glad I'm not friends with most of the posters here!
If my friend knew the person I was due to marry was off riding other people I would expect them to tell me!

OP, depends how close you are with the groom, if he is genuinely a good close friend, I would tell him.

Seconding this OP, loyalty & having eachothers backs is surely intrinsic to any real friendship. For me it’s a no brainer to sensitively tell the groom if he’s truly a close friend of yours, he absolutely deserves to know.

Otherwise when he eventually realises what kind of person he’s marrying/married to (and he will see her true colours at some point either way) just imagine how much worse he’ll feel knowing that others knew & didn’t care enough about him or his future happiness to tell him.

El_Duderino 09

Dog day wrote: »

...just imagine how much worse he’ll feel knowing that others knew & didn’t care enough about him or his future happiness to tell him.

How would he know that others knew?

El_Duderino 09

ReginaldSmythV wrote: »

Nobody has ever changed anyone’s mind in the history of Boards anyway.

Well, the term "busy body" didn't become popular in the absence of people who fit the description. I'll take your word for it.

leggo

It may be useless now as I’d say the fiancée has poisoned the well to preempt any possibility she may get outed. She sounds scummy tbh, and the fact that this is who your friend has chosen to spend his life with may impact whether it’s worth telling him or not OP.

For people saying there may be an arrangement in place (unlikely since she probably would’ve mentioned that but still), there’s a very simple way around that: tell him you’ve come into some information that may affect his situation significantly and ask him if he wants to know. Simple. He’ll almost definitely say yes, unless this theory is the case, then the fact that you’ve then got permission and given him a chance to opt out of receiving it shows credibility, and if he trusts you generally then your information, the fact that she’s effectively confirmed it, plus his fiancee’s reaction to him will tell him what he needs to know. But also beware that you’re then involving yourself in a potential big relationship breakdown and then have a responsibility towards him if he needs someone, so if that’s something that may be too much for you, it’s not too selfish to think of your own needs and limitations here too in affecting any decision you’ve made.