Hen Weekends?

LuasSimon

My wife was at a hen weekend in Killarney last weekend. The hen as it turns out is getting married to a good friend of mine. My wife tells me the Hen slept with different men both nights they were there and according to the noise from the room didnt get much sleep!
Makes me feel a bit awkward for my mate, should i just forget i ever heard anything and treat this as normal behavior these days or have a word with him. im leaning towards the former.

Father Hernandez

LuasSimon wrote: »

My wife was at a hen weekend in Killarney last weekend. The hen as it turns out is getting married to a good friend of mine. My wife tells me the Hen slept with different men both nights they were there and according to the noise from the room didnt get much sleep!
Makes me feel a bit awkward for my mate, should i just forget i ever heard anything and treat this as normal behavior these days or have a word with him. im leaning towards the former.

If he's your friend, you tell him.

Simple.

The above is not normal behaviour.

J. Marston

If he's a good friend, tell him.

DaeryssaOne

That is absolutely not normal behaviour, I wouldn't want to be friends with somebody who does that to her fiance

Church on Tuesday

Well if this is actually genuine then do tell your friend, it's better he knows now what he's really getting himself in for.

If anything he'll thank you for saving him the stress and bull**** and heartache which is inevitably coming down the line with this one.

El_Duderino 09

No you should not tell him. If you tell him then you grass your Mrs up for telling you in the first place. If your Mrs wants to tell him then she can tell him. If she doesn't want to tell him then that's her decision.

OP, you weren't there so you don't have any first hand information, so what do you actually know?

El_Duderino 09

Church on Tuesday wrote: »

If anything he'll thank you for saving him the stress and bull**** and heartache which is inevitably coming down the line with this one.

Rationally that's right but its absolutely the opposite to how people actually behave. The expression "don't shoot the messenger" is so prevalent because people's first instinct is to shoot the messenger.

In the is case he messenger will be telling them information that is embarrassing, insulting towards his Mrs and deeply, deeply hurtful. They won't thank the person who delivers that information.

silver2020

I'd find some way of telling him.

Divorce / separation is not easy in Ireland. It's a long road and very very expensive.

For this behaviour on a hen night, it will always be an issue.

pjdarcy

Are you willing to lose him as a friend because there's a high possibility of blow back after telling him?

pjdarcy

pjdarcy wrote: »

Are you willing to lose him as a friend because there's a high possibility of blow back after telling him?

That’s what being a real friend is.

El_Duderino 09

silver2020 wrote: »

I'd find some way of telling him.

Divorce / separation is not easy in Ireland. It's a long road and very very expensive.

For this behaviour on a hen night, it will always be an issue.

Maybe they had a "don't ask, don't tell" policy on the hen and stag. Who knows? Ultimately it's not the OP's business to interfere, particularly since they don't have any first hand information. Only second hand information about what their Mrs heard through the wall. Not enough evidence to get involved, in my opinion

Sleepy

New anonymous email account and pass the info along that way.

PARlance

Anonymous letter. Let him act then.

El_Duderino 09

El_Duderino 09 wrote: »

They don't know that. They have second hand info from their Mrs. Not enough info to tell the friend his Mrs is a slag.

Let him ask her once he’s been told then. And also get himself tested.

El_Duderino 09

ReginaldSmythV wrote: »

Let him ask her once he’s been told then. And also get himself tested.

Let who ask who? Let the friend ask his Mrs or ask the OP's Mrs? Because the OP knows nothing for sure. The OP's Mrs claims to know something so the friend should talk to her (if he should talk to anyone). The OP knows nothing and shouldn't pretend to know anything.

Seamai

pjdarcy wrote: »

Are you willing to lose him as a friend because there's a high possibility of blow back after telling him?

The alternative is covering something up which may surface at a later date causing a lot more heartache.

I have a friend who married someone 20 years ago, I won't go into the specific details but a lot of people on both side advised them against it (myself included).
They had a rocky start but things settled down, now with three teenage kids they are going through the mother of all messy divorces with neither of them prepared to take any responsibility, two of the three kids are seeing councillors, one has developed an eating disorder and is self harming. I feel really sorry for these kids. Both of these people knew what they were getting into 20 years ago but would they listen, no they wouldn't. There was a time when I would have considered him a close friend but have lost all respect for him, ruining your own life is one thing but dragging your innocent kids in this case is morally wrong.

TheBoyConor

Obviously the hen should not have cheated of course, but I think your wife is actually out of order here. She should not have squelt on her friend.
People who are not part of the couple should not get involved in matters relating to cheating. It is none of their or anyone elses business.
If it comes out and they break up and it becomes known that it was your wife that couldn't resist blabbering her mouth off, then she could be shunned by the group.

bucketybuck

El_Duderino 09 wrote: »

OP, you weren't there so you don't have any first hand information, so what do you actually know?

Are you telling the OP he can't trust his own wife and what she says?

If it was my close friend I would absolutely tell him, and I'd be disgusted with my own friends if they didn't tell me.

AndyBoBandy

MOD: Thread moved to RI - Please read and understand the Charter before posting. You are no longer in AH

KaneToad

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Obviously the hen should not have cheated of course, but I think your wife is actually out of order here. She should not have squelt on her friend.
People who are not part of the couple should not get involved in matters relating to cheating. It is none of their or anyone elses business.
If it comes out and they break up and it becomes known that it was your wife that couldn't resist blabbering her mouth off, then she could be shunned by the group.

My angle on it is that it may not be cheating. Who knows what arrangements the couple have?

Maybe they have an understanding that they can ride who they want up until they're married?
Maybe they've agreed they can ride whoever after they're married?

Having said that, letting him know anonymously is the best bet. He can act, if he wants to. Also there's no embarrassment if he has to 'confess' to being ok with it.

TheBoyConor

Yes, who knows what arrangements are in place. It is potentially possible that they have an open relationship. For all we know, maybe he gets off on being a cuck.

woodchuck

Mod note:

As this has come from AH, I've done a clean up to remove posts that fall below the standard expected in PI/RI and/or off topic posts.

The PI/RI charter now applies. A much higher standing of posting is expected here. Off topic posting is not allowed.

Please only post if you have advice to direct to the OP in a civil manner.

El_Duderino 09

bucketybuck wrote: »

Are you telling the OP he can't trust his own wife and what she says?

No. I'm saying the OP doesn't know anything first hand. So he has absolutely no business relaying information. But isn't it funny that the information he's supposes to relay is that his friend can't trust his own mrs.

The OP's wife could be mistaken. The hen might have swapped rooms with another woman so she could bang lads in the room. There are other possibilities than the wife is completely 100% correct or is 100% lying.

bucketybuck wrote: »

If it was my close friend I would absolutely tell him, and I'd be disgusted with my own friends if they didn't tell me.

If anyone has to tell him, it's the OP's Mrs - the person with the closest thing to first hand information. Only she can answer follow up questions.

Is she prepared to grass up her friend, the hen?

TheBoyConor

She'd be a pretty crap friend if she squelt. If she does that she needs to understand that she will probably be dropped by that group of friends. I'm not a woman but I'd imagine there is a certain unspoken girl code around hen parties and the like. A bit like lad culture.

El_Duderino 09

TheBoyConor wrote: »

She'd be a pretty crap friend if she squelt. If she does that she needs to understand that she will probably be dropped by that group of friends. I'm not a woman but I'd imagine there is a certain unspoken girl code around hen parties and the like. A bit like lad culture.

This is what I'm thinking. If I was on a stag and someone cheated, I would just mind my own business and just wouldn't tell my Mrs (definitely wouldn't tell my Mrs if she's connected to the group). And if I did tell my Mrs and she went behind my back and betrayed me by telling the bloke's Mrs, I'd be furious.

I wonder if the OP has told his Mrs that he's thinking of going behind her back and telling his mate. Or does she want to tell the groom? In which case, she should tell him.

So long as the groom finds out that’s the main thing really.

El_Duderino 09

Ultimately, there's a lot to be said for minding your own business. If the OP's Mrs wants to tell the bloke, she should really tell the hen that she intends to betray her - because that's exactly what she would be doing.

TheBoyConor

Even with an anonymous tip off the chances are the groom won't believe it and the bride would deny it and come up with some story like she swapped rooms with someone. She could easily get someone single to give her an alibi.

El_Duderino 09

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Even with an anonymous tip off the chances are the groom won't believe it and the bride would deny it and come up with some story like she swapped rooms with someone. She could easily get someone single to give her an alibi.

And then the OP, and particularly his mrs, are sh1t stirring d1ckheads as far as everyone is concerned.so many reasons to say now't.

TheBoyConor

Exactly. Say nothing and keep saying it.
If she has any interest in keeping in with that group she should resist flapping her mouth about it.
Loose lips sink ships.

Both of ye would keep yer mouths shut if ye knew what was good for ye.

Has she told anybody else about this?

El_Duderino 09

El_Duderino 09 wrote: »

Ultimately, there's a lot to be said for minding your own business. If the OP's Mrs wants to tell the bloke, she should really tell the hen that she intends to betray her - because that's exactly what she would be doing.

Small betrayal is still better than the massive betrayal the bride did. He deserves to know and it’s the right thing to tell him.

Jurgen Klopp

Yep OP stay quiet on the fact your good friend is marrying a dirty cheating whore

I'd have more respect for the cheating missus than for a "good friend" who knew and kept their mouth shut.

TheBoyConor

Shure who knows, the groom might have cheated on his stag or any other time too for all we know.

I wouldn't be overly concerned about a hen/stag night indiscretion. At the end of the day it is only a once off ride for the sake of it and for the sake of it being the last gasp of single freedom. It is not like it is a long running affair with emotional involvement and ideations of eloping and all that.

They do it once they’ll do it again. It would be a win for this lad to find out before the ring goes on.

Neyite

That's kind of unfair of your partner to tell you and make it your problem. Selfish actually. Because she didn't want to be the one to whistle-blow she decided to land it on your conscience.

People here will either tell you to say something or don't. And that's something only you can decide. But here's a few observations:
Multiple people know this information. There's some success in keeping something like that secret if only one or two people know. But 10-15 women? Who likely all went home to tell their partners? He'll find out at some point it's just a question of when. And you have to decide that if he finds out that his friends knew before he got married, what kind of reaction would he have towards you.

All of you that know will have to sit there at that wedding and watch as they declare how in love they are. Listen to his speech about his wonderful new bride. Can you do that do you think?

Part of me wonders was the bride looking for some sort of 'out' but doesn't want to be the baddie dumping him before the wedding. Otherwise why cheat so prolifically and with so many witnesses? You don't mention whether she had form for cheating on him so if it was uncharacteristic, she might be doing the cowards thing of letting the grapevine get her out of a marriage she doesn't want to go though with. Just a theory though, I've no idea how off the mark I might be.

TheBoyConor

Excuse me! How dare you.

The notion of a hen or stag going off with someone random on their party night has been around as long as hens and stags have been ever going on. It is often joked about as a kind of "well now is your last chance" kind of thing. Stags and hens are full of messing and doing things you wouldn't normally do. Sure I was on a stag there last year and we had a group of strippers whip the stag's back in to whelts with his own belt. Granded, going off and riding someone is at the upper end of the scale, but it does happen.

Neyite

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Excuse me! How dare you.

The notion of a hen or stag going off with someone random on their party night has been around as long as hens and stags have been ever going on. It is often joked about as a kind of "well now is your last chance" kind of thing. Stags and hens are full of messing and doing things you wouldn't normally do. Sure I was on a stag there last year and we had a group of strippers whip the stag's back in to whelts with his own belt. Granded, going off and riding someone is at the upper end of the scale, but it does happen.

I've been to about 30 hens and not once have I seen or heard of any hen or her entourage cheating.

TheBoyConor

Neyite wrote: »

I've been to about 30 hens and not once have I seen or heard of any hen or her entourage cheating.

All that means is that you didn't see it or hear it. It could potentially have occured but there may have been a bit more discretion used.

Neyite

TheBoyConor wrote: »

All that means is that you didn't see it or hear it. It could potentially have occured but there may have been a bit more discretion used.

No. Every hen I've been to, there's been shared rooms. Everyone tends to stick together and go to places as a group. You are literally surrounded by other women and very often sisters of the groom every moment of the weekend away.



Anyway, it might be different for men but women in drinking groups generally keep a look out for each other and anyone disappearing for more than 15 mins you'd tend to go to the jacks /smoking area to see if she's ok. It's an in-built safety thing that lots of female groups do because we have to look out for our safety in ways that a man on a stag never usually does.

El_Duderino 09

ReginaldSmythV wrote: »

Small betrayal is still better than the massive betrayal the bride did. He deserves to know and it’s the right thing to tell him.

The op doesn’t know it was a betrayal. The op has no first hand information at all.

El_Duderino 09

El_Duderino 09 wrote: »

The op doesn’t know it was a betrayal. The op has no first hand information at all.

Then inform the groom and let him ask the bride himself. Too big a risk not to.

El_Duderino 09

ReginaldSmythV wrote: »

Then inform the groom and let him ask the bride himself. Too big a risk not to.

He could tell his mate any info he has for sure. The OP has no first hand information and doesn't know anything got sure. So he has no basis to tell the friend anything.

It's been presented to us as if the OP's wife is sure she knows exactly what happened. But in truth she's speculating about what happened in another room.

El_Duderino 09

El_Duderino 09 wrote: »

He could tell his mate any info he has for sure. The OP has no first hand information and doesn't know anything got sure. So he has no basis to tell the friend anything.

It's been presented to us as if the OP's wife is sure she knows exactly what happened. But in truth she's speculating about what happened in another room.

No. She’ll know what went on.

El_Duderino 09

ReginaldSmythV wrote: »

No. She’ll know what went on.

Will she indeed? You don't know that.

It's a matter of keeping in mind the "unknown unknowns".

The OP's Mrs could talk to the hen and urge her to own up. But it's almost always right to stay out of other people's business.

Castlekeeper

Neyite wrote: »

That's kind of unfair of your partner to tell you and make it your problem. Selfish actually. Because she didn't want to be the one to whistle-blow she decided to land it on your conscience.

People here will either tell you to say something or don't. And that's something only you can decide. But here's a few observations:
Multiple people know this information. There's some success in keeping something like that secret if only one or two people know. But 10-15 women? Who likely all went home to tell their partners? He'll find out at some point it's just a question of when. And you have to decide that if he finds out that his friends knew before he got married, what kind of reaction would he have towards you.

All of you that know will have to sit there at that wedding and watch as they declare how in love they are. Listen to his speech about his wonderful new bride. Can you do that do you think?

Part of me wonders was the bride looking for some sort of 'out' but doesn't want to be the baddie dumping him before the wedding. Otherwise why cheat so prolifically and with so many witnesses? You don't mention whether she had form for cheating on him so if it was uncharacteristic, she might be doing the cowards thing of letting the grapevine get her out of a marriage she doesn't want to go though with. Just a theory though, I've no idea how off the mark I might be.

Great theory though. I wouldn't let it bother me, different stroke's and all that. He might end up a lonely bachelor yet and then how would OP feel with the wisdom of a few more years.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Jurgen Klopp I've deleted your post as it falls below what is expected in PI. I'm going on the basis that you didn't realise the thread was now here when posting.

Just a reminder to everyone please bear in mind you are in PI now and to take a look at the charter if you are unsure about what is expected here.

leggo

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Excuse me! How dare you.

The notion of a hen or stag going off with someone random on their party night has been around as long as hens and stags have been ever going on. It is often joked about as a kind of "well now is your last chance" kind of thing. Stags and hens are full of messing and doing things you wouldn't normally do. Sure I was on a stag there last year and we had a group of strippers whip the stag's back in to whelts with his own belt. Granded, going off and riding someone is at the upper end of the scale, but it does happen.

This reads to me more as ‘what people think hens/stags are like’ versus Neyite’s account being what hens/stags are actually like. The partner’s family are usually there. You don’t go riding around loudly and for all to see when your soon-to-be in-laws are close by. So no, it wouldn’t be normal in my experience. Like you say it’s more of a ‘notion’.

El_Duderino 09

leggo wrote: »

This reads to me more as ‘what people think hens/stags are like’ versus Neyite’s account being what hens/stags are actually like. The partner’s family are usually there. You don’t go riding around loudly and for all to see when your soon-to-be in-laws are close by. So no, it wouldn’t be normal in my experience. Like you say it’s more of a ‘notion’.

OP hasn't been back to answer any questions like whether and of the groom's family members were there.

LuasSimon

Just to give an update , i went out of my way to have a word with the bride to be last evening as she lives close to my parents, i was fairly told where to go by the same lady when i started on about a few rumours id heard . It was absolutely none of my business what went on at the Hen and if she'd known my wife was such a safey safey she wouldt have invited her??. All thats wrong with my wife according to the hen is she was the only one who wasnt up for their iron??. and both myself and my wife would want to get with modern ireland and stop been such prudes
She told me if no uncertain terms if i or my wife open our mouths the other 5 or 6 married women on the hen who had a good time? would be out in the open as well?? there was about 14 of them on this hen and after talking to the wife when i got home it seems there was lots of male guests back in the hotel both nights with one of party ( a married teacher who teachs one of our children ) hardly able to walk to train station after the going over she got Saturday night from some young kerry buck.
The groom for what its worth has no sisters etc at hen so it seems they were all going to kerry for a good time and by all accounts had just that. A more concerning other point is many of them were coked up all weekend which might explain some of it but at this stage im going to forget i know anything considering how many of them would be outed if it came out in the open for the Hen. Go to the wedding in 3 weeks time, nod away and make our excuses early in the night.

TheBoyConor

Jesus, lad. You were warned by me and several others on this thread to keep your big nose out of it. But what did you do? You went Eastenders on it all.
You've really gone and blown it.

Bride was right, whatever went on there was absoultely none of your business. 1. you're a man, 2. it was a hen part and 3. You weren't even there so everything you heard was all hearsay!!! It was a hen party. Stuff goes on.
And it is not like it was all out having affairs and they are going to leave their husbands and partners over it. It is a wild hen, and it was just a once off ride for the craic of it.

I don't think it is the big deal you are making it out to be. Until now when you've gone and blabbed the whole thing.

I'd expect that the bride will see to it that both of ye will be gradually phased out of that group of friends.
Remember, they are now all in it together, so if you go flapping your mouth about it to anyone else, they will circle the wagons and deny everything and all back eachother up with alibis. They will paint you and your wife as deluded shít stirrers.

As I said earlier, loose lips sink ships, and by god you've just torpedoed you and your wife's boat right out of the water.

you sound very naieve

CrankyHaus

LuasSimon wrote: »

Just to give an update , i went out of my way to have a word with the bride to be last evening as she lives close to my parents, i was fairly told where to go by the same lady when i started on about a few rumours id heard . It was absolutely none of my business what went on at the Hen and if she'd known my wife was such a safey safey she wouldt have invited her??. All thats wrong with my wife according to the hen is she was the only one who wasnt up for their iron??. and both myself and my wife would want to get with modern ireland and stop been such prudes
She told me if no uncertain terms if i or my wife open our mouths the other 5 or 6 married women on the hen who had a good time? would be out in the open as well?? there was about 14 of them on this hen and after talking to the wife when i got home it seems there was lots of male guests back in the hotel both nights with one of party ( a married teacher who teachs one of our children ) hardly able to walk to train station after the going over she got Saturday night from some young kerry buck.
The groom for what its worth has no sisters etc at hen so it seems they were all going to kerry for a good time and by all accounts had just that. A more concerning other point is many of them were coked up all weekend which might explain some of it but at this stage im going to forget i know anything considering how many of them would be outed if it came out in the open for the Hen. Go to the wedding in 3 weeks time, nod away and make our excuses early in the night.

Did she concede that it happened? Then you can tell your mate in good conscience without having to worry about passing on a malicious rumor. Who cares about losing the friendship of her and her friends if they're like that, no loss and they'll just F each other over as they go along.