Hen Weekends?

KiKi III

El_Duderino 09 wrote: »

Well, the term "busy body" didn't become popular in the absence of people who fit the description. I'll take your word for it.

You have a strange value system where you think “telling” is worse than allowing a good friend to potentially make a horrible mistake with lifelong repercussions.

El_Duderino 09

KiKi III wrote: »

You have a strange value system where you think “telling” is worse than allowing a good friend to potentially make a horrible mistake with lifelong repercussions.

I'd assume that he knows more about her than I do. He's in a relationship with her so he almost certainly knows more about her than I do.

If I saw some the affair with my own eyes, then I'd be in a position to speak to him. Other than that I'd accept his decision and he's chosen to marry her her. So I'd just say nothing to anyone.

That goes double for the OP's Mrs. She really should have said nothing to the OP because she put him in this awkward position, not the cheating bride. The cheating bride didn't give the OP any evidence of cheating - the OP's Mrs did.

El_Duderino 09

ASMR Glow wrote: »

Some people care more about their friends long term well being than the risk of being "shot by the messenger".

Yeah but people shoot the messenger because the don't want to know what the messenger is telling them. I really think people are under valuing the role of discretion here.

Unless I had first hand, rock solid evidence and could answer follow up questions asked by the bloke, and I knew him well enough to presume to know his moral code and I presumed to know the rules of his relationship, I'd just stay out of it.

El_Duderino 09

ASMR Glow wrote: »

That's the cowardly option.

It's the adult option. The Jeremy Kyle option is to always blab, even when you don't actually have any first hand information and can't even answer the most basic follow up questions - because you don't actually know what went on.

Eire Go Brach

Time for you to get a new wife.
What happens on tour. Stays on tour.

bucketybuck

El_Duderino 09 wrote: »

It's the adult option. The Jeremy Kyle option is to always blab, even when you don't actually have any first hand information and can't even answer the most basic follow up questions - because you don't actually know what went on.

You have about 25 posts all repeating that the OP shouldn't tell his very good friend that his fiance cheated on him. You seem to be very invested in this.

But shout "snitches get stitches" all you want, the OP still has to sit in a room listening to a woman lie to his best friend about love and fidelity. If he is comfortable being part of that deceit then is he even a good friend?

Thats for the OP to decide.

Hoboo

El_Duderino 09 wrote: »

I always say now't when I find out about something that's none of my business.

If it's a story about someone I don't really know, it's none of my business. If it's my friend it's very much my business. And would expect nothing less in return. It's what friends do, they look after each other. Letting your friend walk down the aisle with some yolk he thinks is a perfect princess is a shameful thing to do. That's not friendship.

Rikand

KiKi III wrote: »

“Snitches get stitches” is a pretty immature attitude to take here.

This man is going to make a potentially lifelong legal and emotional commitment to this woman. She is likely to become the mother of his children.

He deserves to know the truth.

If he decides to go ahead with the wedding, so be it. If he decides not to, you’ve saved him literally years and thousands of euro worth of hassle.

The mother of someone's children.

It's in her nature to cheat and her defiance towards you is proof of that. If she was grovelling to you it would be like it it was all a big mistake but she attacked you with fire. She has cheated and she'll cheat again. That wedding band will mean nothing to her.

Tell your mate in some sort of way. He needs to know

KiKi III

El_Duderino 09 wrote: »

It's the adult option. The Jeremy Kyle option is to always blab, even when you don't actually have any first hand information and can't even answer the most basic follow up questions - because you don't actually know what went on.

No one is saying “always blab”. We’re suggesting a sensitive, adult conversation.

Your advice is hugely selfish. You’d rather lie (by omission) to a friend for the rest of your lives than have a difficult conversation. Have you been in a long term relationship? Are you honestly saying you wouldn’t want a friend to tell you if they knew you had been cheat on?

OP, I’d open a conversation something like this. “Jesus it sounds like they had a wild night at the hen altogether. Tell me, you know how some couples give each other a “free pass” for the stag/ hen nights - did ye do that yourselves”?

His answer will tell you a lot. If he says “ah yeah, what happens at the stag/hen stays at it” or anything to that effect you need say no more.

If he says “god no, we wouldn’t be into that” then you need to make a decision. I’d advise telling him.

Say something like “I heard some stories about what went on, and I’m wondering do you want to hear them.” Again, he can say no here if they have any kind of arrangement (or if he just wouldn’t want to know). But if he says yes, you tell him as much as you’ve heard.

For me personally the guilt would be too much otherwise, and I definitely couldn’t attend their wedding.

El_Duderino 09

bucketybuck wrote: »

You have about 25 posts all repeating that the OP shouldn't tell his very good friend that his fiance cheated on him. You seem to be very invested in this.

But shout "snitches get stitches" all you want, the OP still has to sit in a room listening to a woman lie to his best friend about love and fidelity. If he is comfortable being part of that deceit then is he even a good friend?

Thats for the OP to decide.

I have shouted "snitches get stitches" exactly as many times as I want (I haven't said it once).

I think it's so obvious that there's a difference between people giving it the big'n on the Internet vs what they do in real life. I guarantee most people don't actually tell every time they hear about an affair. In reality, most people stay out of it because it's not their business.

That's what the OP has decided to do and they're correct.

El_Duderino 09

El_Duderino 09 wrote: »

I have shouted "snitches get stitches" exactly as many times as I want (I haven't said it once).

I think it's so obvious that there's a difference between people giving it the big'n on the Internet vs what they do in real life. I guarantee most people don't actually tell every time they hear about an affair. In reality, most people stay out of it because it's not their business.

That's what the OP has decided to do and they're correct.

in real life, if people hear that their very good friends partner has cheated on them, they absolutely do tell their friend!
I don't know what life you live in, but this is very reasonable and expected from close friends.

Kidchameleon

El_Duderino 09 wrote: »

That's what the OP has decided to do and they're correct.

If you were about to marry a woman who recently cheated on you with two different men, risks giving you STD's, risks making you infertile, risks putting you through a divorce, risks stripping away all your assets, risks cuckolding you with another mans child, risks making a fool of you down the line by cheating on you again, has people talking about her antics behind your back and has zero respect for you, would you think your best friend was "correct" for not telling you assuming they knew? Because, that is literally what you are advising the OP.


Your replies to this thread are not about helping the OP, they are about protecting the woman at the heart of the issue. This woman is indefensible.

El_Duderino 09

KiKi III wrote: »

No one is saying “always blab”. We’re suggesting a sensitive, adult conversation.

Your advice is hugely selfish. You’d rather lie (by omission) to a friend for the rest of your lives than have a difficult conversation. Have you been in a long term relationship? Are you honestly saying you wouldn’t want a friend to tell you if they knew you had been cheat on?
...
For me personally the guilt would be too much otherwise, and I definitely couldn’t attend their wedding.

Yeah I’ve been on a relationship since we were 19. I wouldn’t have gotten into a relationship with someone with values that include cheating. This guy has chosen to marry a woman who does this and her friend group chooses to do this. I doubt he’s as wide eyed and naive as some people seem to think.

There’s no need to be guilty because it’s not your business. You might choose to get involved but it’s not your job just because you can’t across some second hand information.

El_Duderino 09

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Your replies to this thread are not about helping the OP, they are about protecting the woman at the heart of the issue. This woman is indefensible.

What she’s done is indefensible and that’s one of the reasons I haven’t once defended the woman.

Rikand

It's likely this sort of thing will haunt the OP.

A very good friend of my wife got married to a guy. He desperately wanted a kid but she didnt. However, she let him believe that she wanted one too and let him go at her as hard as he could to make it happen.... for years. She was using some form of contraception the whole time unbeknownst to her husband. He now thinks theres something wrong with him that he wasnt able to deliver the package. I've never told him. It haunts me to this day. It was about 5 years ago I first heard this and I feel like it's too long now. At least we dont socialise with them anymore so I dont have to see him but it still haunts me. The poor guy is a nice guy does not deserve that but I still cant say anything. It. Haunts. Me.

Trouble is, loads of her friends all know it too and nobody as said anything.

If you can live with it OP, then fair enough. But living with it haunts me.

LegacyUser

El_Duderino 09 wrote: »

i wouldn’t have gotten into a relationship with someone with values that include cheating

God this is a perplexing comment

I'd say most people who were cheated on thought the same about their partner. I mean on a first date the man or woman hardly says whether they're a cheater or not

The OPs friend may well have the same idea as you and believes his partner is whiter than white

I can only give my opinion. If it was a good friend I'd tell him. And I'd expect a good friend to tell me

“i wouldn’t have gotten into a relationship with someone with values that include cheating”

Is the single most ridiculous statement ever uttered on here in the effort never to back down. It’s admirable really.

Jurgen Klopp

El_Duderino 09 wrote: »

I wouldn’t have gotten into a relationship with someone with values that include cheating. This guy has chosen to marry a woman who does this and her friend group chooses to do this

Except literally nowhere has the OP mentioned his friend knows any of this, it's all your own making

I'd say it for exactly what I think it is but it would be deleted

El_Duderino 09

What the.... wrote: »

God this is a perplexing comment

I'd say most people who were cheated on thought the same about their partner. I mean on a first date the man or woman hardly says whether they're a cheater or not

The OPs friend may well have the same idea as you and believes his partner is whiter than white

I can only give my opinion. If it was a good friend I'd tell him. And I'd expect a good friend to tell me

I miss spoke. I meant that I wouldn't marry someone who is into cheating. I was with my Mrs over a decade before we married. I got to know her, her family and her friends. The hen said she was one of 5 or 6 women cheating over the weekend. So cheating must be fairly normal in her social circle.

I wouldn't marry someone who is Into cheating. Maybe he knows she's into cheating, maybe he doesn't. The OP has chosen to stay out of it because it's not his job to tell the bloke. He's made the right decision.

leggo

People don’t know their partners are ‘into’ cheating! That’s not a decision they make! Cheating isn’t a fetish! Your partner could be having an affair right now, or have had a one night stand a few years ago, and you may not have a clue.

You’ve made your point man and this is a thread with someone asking for help, can you please stop hijacking it with absolute nonsense?

Big Bag of Chips

Folks, this is an advice forum and posters are asked to offer advice to the OP when posting. As OP seems to have come to a decision on his course of action we will lock the thread for now.

OP if you require anything further from the thread, please contact one of the PI mods and we'll reopen for you.

Thanks everyone.